[thanksgivingmom]

Thanks for that Link Raven! Like I said, I only know what the American Cancer Society recommends Of course I trust that your gyno went over it with you, I was just tossing out the info that I had.

Good luck with your Drs. appt!

[sweetpea012607]

I ended the relationship with my biological family today.

[MrsHoot]

Oh Dear! What happened? Are you okay?

[sweetpea012607]

Well my biological mom and sister and I had agreed that we would meet twice a month for lunch to get to know each other. Well we also agreed that we would let each other know a week ahead of time if someone wanted to bring a friend. At 11:30pm on saturday night (we were meeting sunday) my sister asked if she could bring her friend betsy. I told her I thought it was just gonna be us. Then she told me to be honest. This is probably where I messed up but I was being honest. I told her no I did not want betsy there that I did not like to be around betsy because she smoked and every other word out of her mouth starts with a "f". So then my sister got mad and started in on how she doesn't like my boyfriend and I told her that I didn't like her boyfriend or her stepdad. It was stupid but I was being honest. Then she got mad and started calling everyone in my family and in my church family hypocrites. Now she could've said things about me all night but I will not stand for anyone saying things about my family. I don't care who they are. Any way I told her how I felt and then her boyfriend got her phone and told me I was a drama queen. I told him to stay out of it that it was between me and her and then he told me to "f" off. I told them goodbye.
Then my biological mom texted me the next day asking why she was being punished for something that someone else did. I explained to her what happened and she hasn't texted me since.

[Oceans]

Hey Sweetpea… I read this post yesterday - pretty much from beginning to end - and I noticed a few things (understand that I got 3 months of emotion piled into ½ hour - I skimmed some of the longer posts).

First, let me say, I think it’s GOOD you have stopped contact… for now. This was a rocky reunion from the start and has quickly escalated to something that has the POTENTIAL of never being mended. I hate to pull the “I’m older than you and have been there, done that” card but here it is… better to walk away BEFORE things get said you will always regret….

I think in time you will come to see how this was meant to happen for a reason. If you look at this as a gift, you will see in the past few months, you have acknowledged some things need to be to be changed in your OWN life. I have heard about you wanting to help your aparents financially, rocky relationships with your amom, loving relationships with your amom, issues with others regarding alcohol, etc. All of this can be terribly confusing!!! And that’s OK. I get that we all vent at times but I thought I heard you crying for help at times… Now again, I could be wrong…. I also applaud you for seeking counseling and I hope you continue to do so.

So that is my thought… Take some time now, work on YOU, get stronger and then if reunion is still important to you… try it again. You will be a stronger, wiser person for the experience… Put up roadblocks for now, state your boundaries, but don’t burn bridges.

OK… here’s the part where you are going to get mad at me so brace yourself… If you were my best friend in the whole wide world, here’s what I’d say…

The one thing you may have inherited from your birth family is their “hard headedness” (my gma’s words). ALL of you seem to have a stubborn streak a mile wide which has resulted in a “push you, pull me” type of relationship where NO ONE is compromising. If you aren’t willing to compromise something you will probably get nothing from this… That goes for your birth family as well. You don’t have to compromise… but if you want THIS you might consider it… btw, I not suggesting you start drinking, swearing or develop a tolerance to smoke… but maybe you could suggest a restaurant where there is no alcohol or smoking, instead of just saying no to you sister’s friend joining in…. And let go of the week deadline for changing the schedule.

And finally (this is the first mom in me talking), don’t ever, ever think that your sister feels the same as your Mom does about you. I think you may want your sister to feel an immediate bond but she probably doesn’t (sorry if that hurt). YOU are the adoptee and therefore have the issues that come with that… You are “missing” something… It is unfair, and quite frankly it bites!!! But this is the path God wants you to walk… so walk it well, walk it with pride. Your sister isn’t “missing” anything – YOU are a bonus to her so look at it that way when evaluating her actions….

Make sure you aren’t punishing your Mom for your sister’s actions. Not saying you are – Just a make sure. I think you have wanted a sister more than a first mom through all this. I’m just suggesting that you be kind to your first mom – introducing your sister was probably too much, too soon…

But most of all, take care and be good to yourself …

[sweetpea012607]

Wow. Thanks Oceans. What you've said has made me think, but there are just some things I cannot compromise on. I did think about a place with no drinking or smoking, but there would be smoking outside and I'm allergic to it. I mean, my lung collapsed when I was a baby, I just don't want to put myself at risk for it to happen again. Plus all of the obscenities. I can't stand them, taking the Lord's name in vane, and saying terrible words that start with "f". I just can't deal with that, I won't.

I may love both my bio mom and sister but it's hard to see eye to eye with someone who, for 18 years, wasn't allowed to be there and then the once they had the chance they completely blew it. They weren't there the one time I asked them to be. I'm still having a really hard time with it.

[Jackiejdajda]

sweetpea012607

but there are just some things I cannot compromise on.

Good boundary setting..

Well done!

Jackie

[rainmon]

Sweetpea, I agree with oceans,and the others.... you really need a bit of a break. but please explain it to your Mom, that you just need a break for awhile, a little down time. but don't do it in anger....just tell her you are just totally overwhelmed with everything right now...and need to slow things down for awhile.
you do seem so very overwhelmed & stressed out with everything in your life right now and concentrating on your counseling should come "first" now for your own well-being...
and I do think your sister was out of line to invite that friend, she does not seem to be the type of person that would fit well into your bonding time.
and it seems your little get togethers were for your new family to bond with each other, and the relationship is still so very fragile as it is....she could have easily met her friend after your lunch.

maybe when you do get together again, it could be just your Mom & you the first few times, it seems your sister will be busy with her wedding plans and other friends anyway.

[sweetpea012607]

thanks, I want to contact by b-mom and talk to her, explain what's going on, but I'm afraid that she's mad at me now and that she won't give me time. I also have my pride, and I don't want her to think I'm feeling guilty for the things that I said. I won't compromise my beliefs. I'm just so scared.

[Jackiejdajda]

If your birthmom wants to have a relationship with you then who you are matters.. what you can tolerate and what you can not tolerate is important and needs to be taken into the parameters of your relationship with her and your half sister..

I remember participating in a thread with an amom in an open adoption and she did not want to visit with the birthfamily when a lot of 'friends' were there..
She was not into it.. and she told them about this..

You did not want a friend to come along and you did not want smoking etc happening.. Telling her.. telling them.. is a good thing.. maybe if it was done in anger it may be wrong.. but you did it.. and this is so darn hard to do..

No blame IMO on how you did it.. you did it..

You stood up for yourself.. and I do not think you cut them off.. I think you just told them what you were willing to put up with and what you were not willing to put up with..

One of the hardest issues around me learning how to put up boundaries was being left alone because no one liked me after I told them what I would not tolerate..

Early days..

Jackie

[sweetpea012607]

Thank you Jackie, I find what you said very comforting. You are right, they need to take into consideration my beliefs. It's still hard for me to fathom that just because I stood up for my adoptive family and church family that I am now un-invited to the wedding.

I agree about the being lonely part. I tried to talk to my adoptive mom today about my counseling and she is completely dead set against it and I'm not sure why. I just don't understand.

If it weren't for David I would feel alone and helpless. I mean, at least he's someone I can talk to physically and someone who will let me cry on their shoulder when needed. He even said he was going to talk to my mom about the whole counseling situation. He's such a sweetheart.

I just want to be able to stand up for myself no matter what, I know there will be some things I will have to compromise in my life time but my beliefs will not be part of them.

[sweetpea012607]

Please pray for me, I'm terribly sick and I didn't sleep at all last night. I have a doctor's appointment at 3:15 so please pray that I will be okay.

[Jackiejdajda]

I have been sick.. finally getting better..

How are you doing now?

I am sorry your amom is not into you getting counseling.. I say get it anyway.. its your life

Jackie

[kakuehl]

Sweetpea, how was your appointment at the doctor's?

I was thinking about your amom's feeling about counseling? You'll have to ask her why she's against it, but my mom never liked the idea of counseling because to her it meant she'd failed or done somethng wrong with the way she raised me. She also felt that counselors/therapists would not be Christian and would try to convince us that God didn't exist. Recognise that those were MY mother's reasons. Again, you need to ask your mom (in a less emotional moment), why she is so against counseling. Is it counseling in general or this particular subject.

[sweetpea012607]

My doctor's appointment was excruciatingly long. I had to wait for blood tests to come back. According to the tests I'm perfectly fine, I have no infections and I'm normal. But I feel terrible. I was given nasal spray and told that I should start taking a multi-vitamin. So I started both last night. I hate the nasal spray, it always runs down the back of my throat. And the multi-vitamin tablets are literally 1inch by 1/2inch So I have to cut it up into 4's before I can swallow it. Just because I have a graphic tongue and everything gets stuck.

As for mom being against counseling, I think most of it is because she thinks that the counselor will force me to press charges or that he will tell and an investigation will start and all this other junk. But I've read all of his agreements and statements saying that he is bound by law to keep this confidential and between patient and counselor only. Other than that I don't know why she has a problem with it. I mean my daddy has been to counseling before.