[tikiboo33]

Has anyone else discoveeally late in life that they were adopted? How did it change you? how do you feel? from everything i read i feel like im the only one. Most people know when they are kids. I was never told and found out by accident. no one ever wanted me to find out.

[jrainbow]

I'm so sorry you weren't told when you were little - it does seem to be easier if you basically knew that you were adopted your whole life. I'm not in your position but there are a lot of adoptees who post who discovered late in life.

Late Discovery
This is a several stories about late-discovery - at least you will know you aren't alone. Good luck as you move forward.

[StarryNights™]

Yup, I found out when I was 35 I was adopted. How did it change me? I became very angry at a number of people who knew but did not tell me and still am angry though it has been 6 years later. Same goes with my amom. I am still furious with her. Adad died when I was three, so I can't be furious with him. I felt like I have been lied to for most of my life. What ticks me off is my birth father who I am reunited with recently told me I need to keep searching because there may very well be another sibling connected to me and birth mother. sigh The lies still persist just in a different form now. Amom flat out told me she never wanted me to know. Feel free to holler at me if you want to vent or talk. ~L

[tikiboo33]

Originally Posted by StarryNights™

Yup, I found out when I was 35 I was adopted. How did it change me? I became very angry at a number of people who knew but did not tell me and still am angry though it has been 6 years later. Same goes with my amom. I am still furious with her. Adad died when I was three, so I can't be furious with him. I felt like I have been lied to for most of my life. What ticks me off is my birth father who I am reunited with recently told me I need to keep searching because there may very well be another sibling connected to me and birth mother. sigh The lies still persist just in a different form now. Amom flat out told me she never wanted me to know. Feel free to holler at me if you want to vent or talk. ~L

This is aweful..... Im glad to know there are others in my situation though. I really have no one to vent to and yell at. My a-father is still alive but lives in another state. I dont have the best relationship with him since my parents got divorsed when i was 7 and he wasnt a big part of my life. My a-mother is dead now. Shes the one im most angry at cause she is the one who begged my entire family and all her friends not to tell me.. she was scared i would leave her and want to find my birth parents. What a load of crap. If i have never known anyone more selfish and nasty in my life it is my a-mother....i have already yelled and abused my a-father as much as i could on this. all he can say is sorry. of course he cant change the past and neithier can i. I can only accept what they did to me and move on. Trying to find my birth family... I can never in a million years do this to my own child. How can someone be soooo selfish? These adoptive parents are surposed to love you and give you life. Not use you for their own personal use to not be "lonely". im not a fix for their screwed up mental state....
ug i am just amazed that not one person in all the years everyone knew had the balls to step up to the plate and do the right thing and think about how I was going to be affected by all of this. It is truly amazing what people will do for themselves.

[EZ2Luv]

I didn't find out I was adopted late in life,I was always told how I was"chosen". However, I was never told that my mother's sister was my biomom. I felt like my whole life was one big joke. Like I was living a lie. I was basically in shock when I found out at 48yrs old. I cannot even put a name on the emotion I felt. Devastated? It seemed like this was something that so many people knew and I was the last to find out. I have always been grateful and viewed my adoption in a positive way. Blessed by wonderful aparents, only to discover that they lied. My aunt who I was close to was really Bmom also proved to be another liar. Anyone I once loved and trusted had decieved me. I felt like an alien alone and living n the twighlight zone. It's been a few years since I found out andit still blows my mind that so many people lied. Bmom is dead(she was already dead when I found out) but half sibs are actually mad at me for finding out. Hello! if anyone should be angry it is me. I am by no means anti adoption what I am aganst and hate are any and all lies srrounding adoption. The lies are like a cancer in adoption, they will eat every good thing away. I hate begin a victim to anything, anyone or any circumstance. The lie made me feel like a victim and it still makes me want to vomit just thinking about it. Sorry you were lied to. Any ommision to part of the story I consider a lie. In adoption any lie or ommision is devastating as the truth defines who we are.

EZ

[StarryNights™]

Tiki,

Exactly. You know I counted up how many people knew of my being adopted and it was 15 so far. 15 people believed it was not their place to talk with me about it. Since I found out who they were I have told each of them my view point about the whole mess and what I think of them. They were suppose to be my friends, my godmother, my next door neighbors and my aunts/uncles. It is insane and how on earth do you live with yourself keeping such a secret? Big hugs dear.

As for finding your birth family, let me tell you first hand that it will not help your situation any if anything at all you will end up being more mad due to realizing there are more people out there that knew of your adoption.

My adad died when I was three of a heartattack. So it was just amom and I. She took care of me in that case she fulfilled her duties as a parent. I suppose we all have our ideas of how a parent should ask. But being lied to all those years is not part of anyone's idea that I am aware of.

As for being a fix for them feeling lonely, I could not agree more. I am my amom's caretaker. She is 84. I am her only child and only "relative" that is close by that could help her. So the guilt I deal with daily can be very overwhelming. Even more so now that I know about my being adopted. Honestly it sucks!

How far are you in searching?

EZ, your siblings are mad at you for finding out? As if! They don't have that right to be mad at you. Nor should you feel bad for being angry!

[EZ2Luv]

Yes the bsibling are mad at me. They are saying that I am wanting to "Claim" their mother who is dead. My aparents are alive and quie frankly wouldn't want any other parents. Only one bsister was nice to me, I was so overjoyed with her niceness and acceptance I took a 2k diamond ring off my finger and gave it to her when she told me she lost her wedding ring and was wearing a cubic zirconia. Then it was rides and money that she needed. I finally realized I was being "played" as she and her husband were heroin addicts. So I walked away.
The thing is I knew these people all my llife, raised as cousins. (Amom and Bmom were sisters) I know it was Bmom that wanted the truth covered up. Amom would have told me in a heartbeat.
When I found out(apparently I was last to find out) everyone, I mean EVERYONE was like "Oh we knew that". here I am going around telling people thinking it was this big revealation and they all knew except me.
They all said Bmom didn't want me to know so they never said anything. Yes it was people I was close to and though I could trust. Talk about the rug being pulled from under you..

EZ

[tikiboo33]

Wow.... I am amazed....
First of all thanks for sharing your stories with me guys. I appriciate it.

I am truly amazed that EZ's siblings are mad that she found out the big "secret". Thats aweful... They should be glad at this point they dont have to keep it in anymore. I just cannot imagine going through life holding a secret like that. Maybe its just me. I dont know....I guess we are just better people then most.

My search is actually getting interesting now.. This whole thing is just sad and upsetting for me.. but at the same time it is a total wacked out story that makes me feel like im an actor in a Lifetime movie.
Im not sure if you guys read my whole story in the "introduction" area... but i was raised by a jewsih family.. I am not jewish.. never felt it.. never wanted to be part of it.. always felt "different". Well i am actually Columbian i have just found out from a friend of my afathers. I spoke to him being that he adopted a little girl in 1974 as well. My amother and afather got the attorneys name and info from this guy.. I was "supposedly" born one month after they adopted their daughter. Im not so sure this is true. me and their daughter were very close friends when we were little girls and i have many old pics of her. I look back at them and i think we look ALLOT alike.. maybe we can be from the same family.. maybe fraturnal twins.. who knows. but she is Columbian as well. Her name is Merri. My father told me he was not at the hospital when i was born. The lawyer met him on a street corner a few blocks away from the hospital i was born in and handed me to my afather through a car window.. nice..... im now thinking "black market adoption" Merri was given to her parents this way as well.
I am now trying to get in touch with some of my amothers old old friends and trying to locate Merri and her amother to see what they might know and if she has looked for her birthmother. I havent spoken to Merri or her amother since we were 10 years old.Im 33 now.. Long time.. Im not sure what happened back then but somehow we lost touch. Maybe because of my amother and afathers divorce. I dont know.
I spoke to one of my amothers old friends last night and my amother told her that i came from a married couple who could not afford a child. thats all she knows. Which makes me feel possibly a bit better that they were married and might make it easier to find them. I dont know.
I really beleive that i need to get in touch with Merri and see if we can somehow put this puzzel together for the both of us.
I have not counted how many people knew about my adoption my whole life but i know my number is definitly well past 50... All my amothers and faather friends. the whole family, aunts uncles cousin on my amothers side and afathers side.. grandparents, friends my amother even knew later in life. I know i had a wonderful friend when i was 16 who was adopted and her whole family even knew.. but not me.. so the feeling really is just aweful.. I feel like... an ***.. I guess might be a good word.... all those people and not one person let it slip.. ever.... Just incredible.. I would NEVER have been able to keep a secret like that. of course it wouldnt be my place its the parents place to tell a child something so devistating but i think, for me.. thinking about how i feel right now and stuff i definitly would not have felt this way if i knew earlier.. eithier as a little girl or even as a teen or early adult.. but to find out on my own because my amother passed away and i just happen to "stumble" upon her secret stash of stuff is just too much to handle. And of course the first thing some people in my amothers family said to me was" OMGD who told you??"
Like they didnt care that i actually found out and how i feel about it they just wanted to know i guess who let the cat out of the bag.....
Not sure if you know this eithier but i have no one in my amothers family to talk to as they all disowned me after this happened and my amothers brother actaully tried to sue me for the condo my amother left to me in her will. thats a whole other sick part of my story.... But i have absolutly non of them to talk to about this now as all of them have nothing to do with me anymore.... sick sick family i was adopted into....
But i can my amother and afather did the best they can. They didnt beat me they raised me well and gave me what they could and it could have been worse. I thank them for that. Again i am angry at my amother for being such a "coward" and such a small little scared women who didnt believe in me. But the real trash is the rest of her family for walking away from me. The only thing my mother really lived for. sick.... you would think they would have been there for me not for "me" but for my amother.

[tikiboo33]

Starry.....
did you and your amother ever really sit down and have a good talk about why she felt the need to not tell you? Was she afraid you would leave her too since you were her only child and cause she didnt have your afather anymore? It seems like her reasoning is so much like mine its scary. They both were just afraid to be alone, couldnt move on after they lost their husbands and didnt want us to leave them.... so sad...

[EZ2Luv]

Just wanted to be clear. The bsiblings did not know about me either so I was both the messenger and the villian in their eyes.

EZ

[tikiboo33]

Originally Posted by EZ2Luv

Just wanted to be clear. The bsiblings did not know about me either so I was both the messenger and the villian in their eyes.

EZ

oh no...... ug..... maybe it was just their initial shock? how long ago was this?

[StarryNights™]

Tikki,
Yes and no. The ridiculous answer I got to that question was that she was trying to protect me from the way adoptees were treated back then in the time of "free love". I told her that was a line of bull and she was only trying to protect herself since she had told everyone she "had" me. My birth father even remembers her stuffing pillows under her clothing to pull the lies off with. (You have to realize amom babysat bfather as he was growing up and they lived across the street from each other, along with the fact that bmother lived with amom last 4 months of her pregnancy.) Since we had no relatives remotely close by, (the closest ones were in middle IL and we are in southern MI)... there was little chance of her cover being blown. The kicker part for me is that she has stopped talking to or is very limited in talking with anyone who is a relative. Except people on adads side. So I really do not have "family". I honestly believe she ran off or argued to death people that knew because none are around now.

I am not sure what she was thinking about when afather died in regards to all of this, but I do distinctly remember her telling me I was to never find out. ugh



EZ, I know that feeling. My bfather has a daughter who is 10 years younger then I am. She wants nothing to do with me. Both her mom and bfather agree she does not wish to share him with me. They thought maybe it would change when she had her daughter, but nope still set in her ways.

I have a dear friend of mine on here who knows and has met his brother but his brother really wants nothing to do with him either. Which is sad for both of us. I honestly believe they are scared to share their parent with us. Unfortunately it is a decision they have to make, we can only leave the door open so they can come in our lives at a later time if they wish.

[Jackiejdajda]

EZ wrote

When I found out(apparently I was last to find out) everyone, I mean EVERYONE was like "Oh we knew that". here I am going around telling people thinking it was this big revealation and they all knew except me.
They all said Bmom didn't want me to know so they never said anything. Yes it was people I was close to and though I could trust. Talk about the rug being pulled from under you..

Oh EZ no words.. How awful for you.. I can not imagine going through something like this..



This is such an interesting thread.. tikiboo33 I am so sorry this has happened to you.. What resentments this must bring up.. to be not told who you are..
Again I can not imagine..

StarryNights .. thanks for sharing


Jackie

[EZ2Luv]

Jackie,
It was horrible, but I can laugh at it now. There was all proud and excited like I discovered some long lost secret and I was just dying to share the news only to hear that everybody around me and I do mean EVERYBODY(even the neighbors) knew already. Then I got to thinking about how many people I came in contact with throught my life like school teachers or girl scout leaders knew about this and I didn't, it was like total strangers knew more about my life than me..
As my bmom and amom got older they would get in stupid arguements and each must have threatetened each other to tell because they would both call me and try to pump me about what each of them said. Bomom would say "Did your mom tell you?" and I would say "tell me what?" and she would then say something like "She didn't tell me that we had an arguement?" It was nuts cause then amom would call and ask the same questions.
Of course I was totally unsuspecting and in the dark so no way in my wildest dreams wold have ever thought or figured it out.

EZ

[mom2behappy]

I keep seeing everyone knew and no1 told me, my personal belief is that it is the Aparents responsibility to tell their child he or she is adopted, no other person not even a grandparent should be telling withought the ok from the parents. My son is only 2 and he will always know but if i had chosen not to tell her for whatever reason and another person told family memeber or not i would NEVER speak to that person again. that is something that should come fromthe parents its no1 elses right or business to tell the child. so pls dont be mad @ family members. im sorry you all never knew or never found out. and the fear of how the achild will respond is very real for some AP. i have a cousin who never knew until he was 27@ first he was very angry @ his parents but after talking to them he quickly gotover his anger. i know that searching isn't about the aparents or the bparents for that matter but it still is a subject everyone deals with differently.