[SilverWitch]

I have been in a weird reunion with my DD for five years and I am stuck. I am asking these questions, not to be judgmental, but to get honest answers from those that actually know, the adoptees. Ok, here are the questions I have:

1. How much information do you think as an adoptee you are entitled to?

2. If your birthmother wants a relationship and you or she is not really ready, will you be willing to back off or let her back off for a while, a cooling off if you will?

3. Do you feel it is your right to meet your biological family?

4. Do you feel it is their right to meet your child(ren)?

Please help me understand better where the adoptee is coming from. I have read all the books, watched all the tapes and am totally out in left field when it comes to DD. I feel as if I am going crazy. If I try to be part of her life - even in a very small way, she is angry and pulls away. I tried to take a break and she got furious and now won't speak to me....what do we do?

HELP

[txrnr]

I'm not in reunion, but here's what I believe at this stage. I'm also offering the disclaimer, it's just my opinion, and likely not shared by the majority of adoptees.

1. How much information do you think as an adoptee you are entitled to? Medical, and that's it. Anything else would be appreciated, and nice to have, but knowing if I look like great Aunt Myrtle, or laugh like my bmom is not life or death.

2. If your birthmother wants a relationship and you or she is not really ready, will you be willing to back off or let her back off for a while, a cooling off if you will? Sure. As a marathon runner, my favorite thing I've heard about reunion is it's a marathon not a sprint. To train, I spend months building my mileage, eating right, doing speed work, and then I run the 26.2 miles. Nothing happens overnight, and without work. When I'm training, my rest days are equally important so I become stronger.

3. Do you feel it is your right to meet your biological family? Not at all. It's not just my bmom who would be affected. I don't have any right to disrupt other families. My bmom did what she thought was best for me, and for that, I owe her.

4. Do you feel it is their right to meet your child(ren)? If I initiate the relationship, then I should at least be willing to consider it after our relationship has been established. (of course, I don't have kids, so what do I know)

[DebsW]

Hi Silver, Sorry to hear you are having a difficult time.

I have been in reunion with my birth family for almost two years. It has major ups and major downs. I'll speck to what I know about my feelings as an adoptee.

1. Since I did the search I felt that I was due only what my mother wanted to share. I had to respect her boundries. I could tell her what I wanted but I always remained respectful of her feelings.

2. I think my first answer will answer the second. I feel I intruded and I had to let her set the pace.

3. I do feel I have rights as an adoptee, I feel like I have the right to know my medical history. I have the right to be treated with respect. My bfather even went so far as to tell me I had a right to know what happened and why I was given up. I did not take my feelings that far.

4. Again, I will only enter my mother's life as much as she allows. She actually did not tell my half siblings for several months after we reunited, she said "I need more time with you alone".

Don't get me wrong, I have many feelings about my adoption I have not shared, I have questions that I have not asked. I have a very strong bond with my bmom and bdad. They have been so good to me and I count my blessings every day. I gues I don't feel angry about being adopted, sometimes I have overwhelming sadness about it. I wish I could have stayed with her in many ways she was what I needed.

Is it possible that your daughter has sadness about being given away and it is coming out as anger. Or is she upset that you are placing boundries on your relationship that she did not expect? She was raised with different viewpoints, different attitudes towards expression so she may not react the way you would expect?

Trust me, no matter who finds whom in the relationship of adoptees everyone is going through alot. It helps me to try to remember what my mother went through 38 years ago.

I hope this helps.

Deb

[SilverWitch]

Is it possible that your daughter has sadness about being given away and it is coming out as anger. Or is she upset that you are placing boundries on your relationship that she did not expect? She was raised with different viewpoints, different attitudes towards expression so she may not react the way you would expect?

I don't know what she feels. She is deceitful to the point of OMG!! I found out recently that she has had more problems with the law than I ever did as a kid and I have never been in trouble as an adult. She tells me lies about other people in her life. But then her amom is the same way - she invites me to her home, knowing I live across the country, to meet my daughter. Very polite, then she has her phone number made unlisted! All I called her for was to thank her and tell her that I appreciated that she loved OUR daughter and cared for her. She also immediately called my daughter and told her that I was harrassing her! I have called her one time! It is like a sick game.

I am sure she feels rejected since I searched and then, after five years of games of "I hate you/I love you" and lies that would curl your hair, I asked for a little space until she was ready to have a real relationship. I don't know how to fix it and in a way, I am scared of her and her problems. She wont get help, her soon to be exhusband number two begged her to get help and finally decided that a divorce was the only way he could keep his sanity.

For me, it is more about what do you all as young adult adoptees, or older ones, consider a good balance and stuff. You know, whether or not I should email or what, cause she is great at hiding and right now she is in hiding mode. I am at my wits end and my family wants her gone and to never hear from her again.

My heart is breaking and I cry in the bathroom at night so my husband does not know.

[austin0i]

Hi Silver,

I am a 40 year old adoptee in reunion with my mother since July 07. Here are my answers to your questions. Let me know if anything I say needs further explanation.

1. How much information do you think as an adoptee you are entitled to?

I feel entitled to my medical information and the story surrounding my relinquishment. I also feel entitled to truth in reunion, in terms of my mother’s feelings for me, her ability to reunite and her expectations of our reunion. If she can’t handle it, tell me now. Do not string me along.

2. If your birthmother wants a relationship and you or she is not really ready, will you be willing to back off or let her back off for a while, a cooling off if you will?

Yes, I would be willing, but that withdraw will not come without consequence. I was totally shaken to the core when I established a connection to my birth mother. I can honestly say that any hint of rejection or hesitation from her, will cause parts of me to shut down. It is hard not to, as I quickly realized that my mother can hurt me deeply.

3. Do you feel it is your right to meet your biological family?

Yes, especially my siblings.

4. Do you feel it is their right to meet your child(ren)?

Yes. They have the right to be connected to their biological grandparents. It would not be right to keep that from them. I would never deny them their birthright.

Kim

[SilverWitch]

Kim,

Do you believe that it is possible that my daughter shut down and went into hiding because she felt rejected by my need for a time out?

[DebsW]

This sounds much more than adoption issues. I can see why your family wants her out of their lives and I do understand why you cry alone about it. I am so sorry to hear that.

I reunited with my birth mother first, then I met her family, two more kids, her mother, her sig other etc.

My half sister is a master manipulator and has caused me an immense amout of pain over the last year an a half. Just the other day I had to tell her that she could not be a part of my life as it is an unhealthy relationship. As an example, she thinks I am to sensitive because I will not allow her to call me a certain name (female dog) as a joke. My respone to her is that it is not funny and I won't allow her to treat me that way. I have also caught her in countless lies, but she runs to mommy and tells more lies and I look like a loser for rocking the boat.

In other words - lots of mental health issues. If your daughter has learned all these coping styles from amom then I can see why she may be doing these things. It must get her the results she is looking for and your daughter learned that along the way? Just some thoughts.

You do need a break, my favorite is getting a threaputic massage, stop thinking for that one hour and give yourself at least that much.

I would also think about talk therapy for yourself if you are open to it. I cannot imagine how difficult to find you daughter and have so many issues.

I would also have to agree with Kim's #2 answer. I would let her decide to do a break, but it would never leave the back of my mind.

Deb

[austin0i]

Silver,

Well, I can only tell you how I would feel and yes, I would think that is entirely possible.

I have great aparents and have lived a relative calm and nice life.

But, as an adopted child, there is a place inside me that has always felt disconnected, empty or just different. I could never understand what it was, but after meeting my birthmother, that part of me opened up and she filled it.

I immediately understood what the heck was wrong or missing in me. It was my connection to my mother and everything that represented.

This place inside me goes very deep and it sometimes feel raw and very vulnerable because of the insecurities I may have over my place in her life, so if she were to ever do anything to make me feel not wanted, I would shut some of that place down, like it had been shut down before.

I would not know what else to do, because I am not sure what to do with the pain.

Oh and I am a person who deals with things. I go to therapy. I read the books. I work out my feelings. It is just such a deep connection…almost primal.

Just my thoughts Silver about the request for time out. Honestly, I do understand from reading your other posts about why you need a time out. You deserve one. I just tried to answer your question as to how the request for space would effect me.

I know we are all different and I hope your girl finds her way back to you.

Originally Posted by SilverWitch

Kim,

Do you believe that it is possible that my daughter shut down and went into hiding because she felt rejected by my need for a time out?

[austin0i]

Silver,

The part about the amom made me think she is deliberately trying to sabotage your relationship with your daughter. She is probably very insecure about your reunion.

Can you keep the amom out of the situation and make it just between you and your daughter?

Originally Posted by SilverWitch

Is it possible that your daughter has sadness about being given away and it is coming out as anger. Or is she upset that you are placing boundries on your relationship that she did not expect? She was raised with different viewpoints, different attitudes towards expression so she may not react the way you would expect?

I don't know what she feels. She is deceitful to the point of OMG!! I found out recently that she has had more problems with the law than I ever did as a kid and I have never been in trouble as an adult. She tells me lies about other people in her life. But then her amom is the same way - she invites me to her home, knowing I live across the country, to meet my daughter. Very polite, then she has her phone number made unlisted! All I called her for was to thank her and tell her that I appreciated that she loved OUR daughter and cared for her. She also immediately called my daughter and told her that I was harrassing her! I have called her one time! It is like a sick game.

I am sure she feels rejected since I searched and then, after five years of games of "I hate you/I love you" and lies that would curl your hair, I asked for a little space until she was ready to have a real relationship. I don't know how to fix it and in a way, I am scared of her and her problems. She wont get help, her soon to be exhusband number two begged her to get help and finally decided that a divorce was the only way he could keep his sanity.

For me, it is more about what do you all as young adult adoptees, or older ones, consider a good balance and stuff. You know, whether or not I should email or what, cause she is great at hiding and right now she is in hiding mode. I am at my wits end and my family wants her gone and to never hear from her again.

My heart is breaking and I cry in the bathroom at night so my husband does not know.