[lilraskels]

I am wondering what if anything could the adoptive parents done in the reunion that could of helped or made it postive?
Also should one wait until the child says lets find my birth mom or should the adoptive parents find them?
I have a daughter I adopted at 7 years old now she is 16 years old. She does have vague memories of her mother but it has been awhile. The birth mother wrote a few times before the adoption and I kept them and shared them with my daughter but my daughter asks me questions I tell her only her mother can answer.
I just want his to be positive for both of them but I don't know what I can do to help. Thank you bunches for the input.

[LindaSusansMom]

Well I am only 2 months into my reunion so I'm no expert. My daughter is 21. We had a closed adoption, but I got to select her parents from a stack of profiles.

I wrote letters the first few years but they never got forwarded. I received a few letters and photos from them all in one batch and then nothing for 20 years.

Then she searched for me. (I'm so glad because I never would have thought to consider this a possibility!) Thru our steady stream of emails and IMs and MySpace messages she has revealed to me that her parents made her aware that she was adopted from before she knew what that really meant. They also always included me in their prayers and made me a real part of her life.

When I revealed to her that I was worried she may have been traumatized by the whole adoption thing (that's the impression you get reading a lot of these boards) she explained that her mom shared some of the adoption documentation with her from an early age. In it I had described that although I thought the pregnancy was a mistake for me, I didn't believe the baby was a mistake.

She said that gave her comfort to know that she was loved and not rejected...she said that although being adopted had impacted her life in so many ways, she at least had that to get her through. Her parents were very supportive when she decided to search. She's very close to her mom and she really leaned on her during the process. When she finally found me on MySpace she called her mom and they cried all night.

After our first f2f, her parents picked her up and as we stood on the curb saying goodbye her mom jumped out of the car and said we must be crazy if we think she's just going to sit there and not come hug me. She squeezed me tight and said she had been waiting 21 years to hug me and say thank you...It meant the world to me...

After another meeting between her and my son and I, we got together with her parents and my grama and my dear friends. By the end of the night it was like I had known them my whole life...

So, I don't know what you can do to make it easier in your situation, cuz each case is soooo unique...but this is how it happened for us. And I will always cherish the gift her parents gave to her by keeping me close to their hearts...

LSM

[sweetpea012607]

1. Always be supportive of that child. No matter what they are going to stay with the ones they realize is mom and dad and if you have raised that child right you should have no doubt in your entire mind that the child just wants to know who they look like, what their true heritage is, or even just to say, "Okay, I've met them but they're nothing like my real parents" and by real I mean the adoptive parents. Don't sull up and say that you don't want them going to visit or to just be friends. Don't tell the child you don't like the birth family whether you do or don't. It puts a damper on your relationship with the child. Always tell them you love them and that they can talk to you about it. Be open and show them you really care.

2. I would give the child to the age of 18 so that they will more or less be out of high school and so that they can have time to straighten out their emotions. After they turn 18 you can both find the birth family and work through it together. It makes everything so much easier. Make sure your child knows that you are with them every step of the way. I know you will want to be protective of the child but please, I urge you not to be over-protective. This is a time where the child wants to find out who they are and who they will be.

Believe me I know. I hope this helps.

[ocracoke]

Lil,

I was placed for adoption at 7 years old. I was removed at 5 years old. I had very vivid memories of my life before adoption. I think that the best thing you can do is listen and be supportive. Let it be a constant open discussion in your house. When she brings it up -- listen and tell her the truth. I think it is great that you shared the letters you have. When she asks for more information give it -- if you have it. As for searching, my best guess without knowing your daughter is that at this point it needs to be her choice. But be supportive. Ask if there is anyway you can help. I opted to wait until I was 25 to search because I had to sort through some very difficult feelings. My mother completely supported my search. When my reunion started to go downhill fast my mom encouraged me to hang in there a little longer to make sure I was doing the right thing. My bond with my mom is very strong because she had the confidence in us to do that.

All that being said... as an adoptive mom of a 3 year old (adopted internationally) I am already doing the searching for her. I know that her mom is already dead and I know that her dad is very ill so I feel I do not have the luxury of waiting until she is old enough to do it herself. You need to decide what is best for you and your family.

Best of luck,
Samantha