[snoopylou]

Hi,

I'm not originally from the USA, instead, I come from the UK, and this was the only site that I found to be promising real support and the fact that it was free helped alot.

I'm a 32 year old Adult Adoptee and this is the first time I investigated on getting support. Unfortunately, I seem to be having a problem with getting support in the UK and feel like I'm looking for a needle in a haystack. I think the geniune consencous is that once your adopted the buck stops there (so to speak!).

I'm currently having problems both at my adoptive family's relationship and I've had disasterous atempts at getting back in touch with my birth family. I hadn't got in touch with my birthmom for 24 years and then this year I got in touch but realised how difficult it would be to keep up the meetings when I noticed how bad her Mental Health was. I had two meetings with her over two months and then never got in contact again (both meetings were supported physically by an ex-foster mum that I kept in contact with from my teens, and who my birthmom had a positive connection with during the handover process at the childrens panel back when I was 8yrs old, hence the reason I thought it to be more logical than taking a complete stranger with me for support). I feel awful for ceasing the contact but for my own mental health, I thought it to be wise.

My ex-foster mum (efm) had noticed how history was repeating itself, when I suddenly became the parent to my birthmom and my efm had to tap me on the shoulder to calm me down. Obviously, the meetings HAD to come to an end, because, not only was it stressful for my efm but also for me and it really needed a professional mental health worker to intervene. How do you convince your birthmom you haven't seen for 24 years to get help, in order to help our relationship, when my birthmom consistently has said she doesn't need help. Many of you think she probably doesn't, but my sister (who wasn't adopted) has been consistently going to see her, to buy her food, etc and often discusses with me how difficult it seems to communicate with her and the fact she keeps trying to persuade her to get help, so it becomes really quite distressing for all involved. My birthmom has always said that she doesn't trust the government and the social care system, and I can only assume that she's been deeply scared in the way I had been split apart from my birthmom but the full story never seems to surface.

I feel very isolated at the moment with nobody physically I can talk to about having been adopted at the age of 10, and the feelings I have about my adoptive parents don't seem to be there. I feel like my adoptive parents are there for me financially but nothing is there emotionally and it's very difficult to convey these feelings when nobody I know has been through a similar feeling.

At the moment, I am on the verge of completing a Theraputic Community of being a patient of for 15months and feel I've gone as far as I can with it and it now feels that the feelings I have about being adopted have opened a new crossroads in my life and is a completely different issue to what I deal with in the TC. I believe the group have given me certain coping strategies to deal with every day life, but it seems, that since I investigated a support group for adoptive adults, about 150 miles away from my home, there is a sense of want to understand and accept being adopted and rejected and I seemed to get more out of that group than the group I currently get therapy in. I'm very confused and not sure what way in life I need to go. Trust is a very big issue for me so it's been very hard to trust this TC I'm attending when not a single patient in the group is adopted themselves so I've noticed I isolate myself further because of it.

If anyone has any contacts to the UK that might be able to help me I'd greatly appreciate it. I'm having a nightmare with these feelings and really don't want to make more mistakes, regrets etc for the next 10 years and just desperately alone with how I feel.

Snoopylou

[wilted rose]

Hi Snoopy, welcome to the forums! I'm confident you'll find a true support system here. We've all listened to one another, and helped shed some light on some very personal and emotionally charged areas with regard to adoption issues and reunion issues. I'm sorry you are feeling alone right now, that can be a very devastating place to find yourself in. I think you've done the right thing by reaching out, in therapy and certainly here on the forums. I encourage you to take time for yourself and read some of the posts here, you'll soon discover you are not alone! Keep posting as your thoughts arise, we'll answer you...
Regards,
Rose

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by snoopylou

I'm a 32 year old Adult Adoptee and this is the first time I investigated on getting support. Unfortunately, I seem to be having a problem with getting support in the UK and feel like I'm looking for a needle in a haystack. I'm currently having problems both at my adoptive family's relationship and I've had disasterous atempts at getting back in touch with my birth family. How do you convince your birthmom you haven't seen for 24 years to get help, in order to help our relationship, when my birthmom consistently has said she doesn't need help. My birthmom has always said that she doesn't trust the government and the social care system, and I can only assume that she's been deeply scared in the way I had been split apart from my birthmom but the full story never seems to surface.I feel very isolated at the moment with nobody physically I can talk to about having been adopted at the age of 10, and the feelings I have about my adoptive parents don't seem to be there. I feel like my adoptive parents are there for me financially but nothing is there emotionally and it's very difficult to convey these feelings when nobody I know has been through a similar feeling.

Originally Posted by snoopylou

If anyone has any contacts to the UK that might be able to help me I'd greatly appreciate it. I'm having a nightmare with these feelings and really don't want to make more mistakes, regrets etc for the next 10 years and just desperately alone with how I feel.Snoopylou

Hi Snoopylou,

I'm from the uk and I'm about to include info that should help, with reading, professional (free) help and contacts, so don't feel alone.I'm a bmom in reunion with my son and he feels the same as you do. He has been raised by financially well off adoptive parents that love him very much, but emotionally....? well he's completely messed up because of the lack of connection and not being able to feel as he thinks he should. The emotional difference is huge and he has private counselling alone just for that one reason.

I feel you have about as much chance of changing your bmother as I have convincing my son that he needs help with his adoption issues! As a bmother myself, I was very bitter at the way social services connived to put me in a situation that would make it tough for me to continue keeping my son and indeed, they got their way (thats another story) so please believe me, you need to understand what your mum is going through and I can assist with that with what I've found in my reunion journey with my son. Remember, the wounds are very deep, and whilst adoptees may not 'get it' about their bmum's, neither can bmum's 'get it' about their adoptees unless they get insider information as to what is going on and to me, that spells Verrier.

Nancy Verrier has shed so much light in the realms of adoption and reunion that it is well worth you taking a look at 3 books that will help you, they are:

The Adoption Reunion Survival Guide - Julie Jarrell Bailey & Lynn Giddens

The Primal Wound by Nancy Newton Verrier and her follow up book "Coming home to Self"

The first two (adoption reunion/primal wound) you can order from your local library, so that keeps costs down. The third you can get nearly half the price of shops through the Amazon website. All are very valuable in the reunion journey.

Like you, I found next to no help on UK forums, they were not moderated in my opinion, and seemed to be a lot of individuals floundering and not knowing where to go as well as bitter. This forum IS different and you will get the support you need, we all need.

Thanks to a new government directive on adoption issues, you can contact your local county council and ask for the post adoption team and they should be able to arrange counseling for you now that you are in reunion. This is free and they should pay your travel expenses too to the counselling session. It is usually for 4 sessions once a month that they pay, but they may use discretion and allow you to have more. In my case I obtained 16 sessions, which was very generous. I was sure to thank them for their support through this difficult time.

The next contact is:
The Post Adoption Centre
5 Torriano Mews
Torriano Avenue
London NW5 2RZ tel: 020 7284 0555.

Their contacts are:
www. postadoptioncentre.org.uk and
advice@postadoptioncentre.org.uk

They are quite a good organisation that has been going for quite some years and well known in adoption circles in the UK, a bit like Barnado’s and Norcap. They provide counselling and help in all aspects of adoption and may be able to put you in touch with whatever is local? My son lives elsewhere out of the catchment area and would not be prepared to travel there, so I got in touch with his local county council social services and they use Barnado's for adoption counselling in that area, but he's not able emotionally to go down that route (so I understand your head banging, but from the other point of view!). I had counselling with them over 13 years ago and they were there for me when I went into reunion April last year.

Finally, a little bit about what bmothers go through (don't worry, if you read The Primal Wound you will have all your feelings validated by someone who has counselled literally thousands of adoptees and knows how to express how you feel, as well as bmothers, amothers etc).

The Adoption Reunion survival guide -Julie Bailey & Lyn Giddens

p138
birth mothers will experience emotions similar to those of adoptees - but possibly more intense. The prevailing philosophy that time heals all wounds - which most birth mothers were reassured at relinquishment, is false. Time doesn't heal anything for birth mothers. Instead it generally serves as a reminder that adoption means loss - and a pretty permanent one at that. A birth mother can never recapture the lost years, even with a reunion. She will also find herself thrown through time, reliving the experience of the pregnancy, broken relationships, anger or hard feelings with her family, labour and birth. And finally, she will again confront her grief over having lost something most precious to her, then being told to "bury" the experience deep within her and never divulge its secrets.

For some birth mothers, the emotions are buried deeper than for others. In these cases, a woman might never be in a psychological position to experience reunion. If you are an adoptee and are rejected by your birth mother either at first contact or later in reunion, there will be few words anyone can offer to comfort you. You will rejected and abandoned by this woman for a second time in your life.

If you are able to work through your own emotions of rejection, try to put yourself in her position. Your bmother was conditioned to forget you and in some cases it was more like brainwashing. She was told that if she "loved you" she would "forget you" so that you could be completely free, emotionally and physically, to bond with the adoptive family. She was told never to tell anyone about having relinquished you for adoption because bad things might happen to her if she did tell.

Although the attempt to forget you never worked because she always held on to memories and fantasies of you, she most likely did keep your existence a secret. If she never told anyone in her immediate family, your contact will be perceived as a threat to all that she has held private and secret for decades.

You can't overcome emotional wounds with one phone call, or one visit or one letter. For some birth mothers, the wound of relinquishment will always exist. At the least it will be a scar to remind her; at worst the wound gapes open forever, unable to heal...

The book is extremely well written and I would recommend it to anyone in adoption reunion because it is gentle on all feelings.

Then there are the stages of reunion, that may help?
RELATIONSHIP STAGES AFTER REUNION (Author Unknown)

Not every individual goes through every stage; they may not be sequential, they may be repeated. The stages are common to the post-reunion period and are normal consequences of reunion.

HONEYMOON STAGE:

Characterized by euphoria, joy and sense of being on top of the world

Effort made by parties to find similarity and common interests

Much time spent together in an effort to catch up on each other’s life with exchanges of photos, letter and gifts.

Preoccupation with other party

Minor negotiations about relationship, i.e. What to call birth parent

Some uncertainty about place or role in other’s life, frequency of contact, how to introduce each other to friends and family members

TIME OUT STAGE:

One party may pull back to evaluate and process events. The honeymoon is over. Other party may feel confused when this happens. Birth parents may feel hurt, angry, frustrated and frightened if adoptee pulls back and adoptee may feel rejected by birth parent if he/she pulls back

Problems in relationship may develop here due to lack of understanding of the process; society has few role models for this experience

Parties may seek professional help to resolve situation

SHOWDOWN STAGE:

Confrontation of parties to address status of relationship and its future development

If birth parent initiates confrontation, she/he may fear loss of child again – different confronting adopted adult because biological tie is not enough to assure success. In parenting, the element of permanency exists and the bond is not so fragile

If adopted adult confronts birth parents, she/he may fear being rejected by birth parents

DISENGAGEMENT STAGE:

Characterized by adopted adult or birth parents really moving away from the other, not just pulling back

Can be extremely painful for either party with feelings of anger, loss and rejection

Can occur if expectations are too rigid and differences between parties are too great

SOLIDIFYING STAGE:

Characterized by earnest negotiations between parties; roles, differences, issues continue to be worked on, but the relationship is more solid and settled with few ups and downs because agreement has been reached in many areas

Re-negotiations occur as life changes and growth takes place and new relationship roles emerge

I hope it helps. Please feel free to PM me any time.

[snoopylou]

Originally Posted by wilted rose

I'm sorry you are feeling alone right now, that can be a very devastating place to find yourself in. I think you've done the right thing by reaching out, in therapy and certainly here on the forums. I encourage you to take time for yourself and read some of the posts here, you'll soon discover you are not alone! Keep posting as your thoughts arise, we'll answer you...
Regards,
Rose

Thank you Wilted Rose. I appreciate your support and welcome to the site. It does feel quite lonely and devastating just now and it really is comforting to know that you understand and get on board with my feeling I carry. It's a nice change from being told to get on with it, because that's life! If only they knew how often I "get on with it" and fail consistently in the process. So thanks for the support and it feels a little weight has been lifted from your acknowledgement of this.

Blessings to you
Snoopylou

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by snoopylou

Thank you Wilted Rose. I appreciate your support and welcome to the site. It does feel quite lonely and devastating just now and it really is comforting to know that you understand and get on board with my feeling I carry. It's a nice change from being told to get on with it, because that's life! If only they knew how often I "get on with it" and fail consistently in the process. So thanks for the support and it feels a little weight has been lifted from your acknowledgement of this.

Blessings to you
Snoopylou

Nice point Snoopylou and its nice that someone can touch you in this way. Just goes to show what a little insight and gentle welcome can do. It made me ashamed to be honest that I just whacked in with all this 'info' and directions. Yeh, thats one lesson I've learned today. I will have to make sure that I watch that with my son, so busy putting information his way, that maybe he just needs a bit of acknowledging. Always something to learn on these threads. So if you don't mind, and if its not too late, welcome on board ship and bathe in the warmth that the forum members can give you. Warm hugs !!!!

[keepitfluffy]

Hiya,
I'm in the UK too, although I'm mostly lurking at the moment. I get so much out of reading these boards and I too find it comforting that others can relate to my feelings and experiences, I'm not quite such a freak here.
It's a shame there isn't more support for us in the UK. I know Norcap have some support groups... I went along a few times but I was at a stage where I needed to get some space, so I didn't continue. It did seem good though and I might try it again in the future.
Wishing you all the best on your journey.
Nomad

[lisariding]

Originally Posted by snoopylou

Hi,

I'm not originally from the USA, instead, I come from the UK, and this was the only site that I found to be promising real support and the fact that it was free helped alot.

I'm a 32 year old Adult Adoptee and this is the first time I investigated on getting support. Unfortunately, I seem to be having a problem with getting support in the UK and feel like I'm looking for a needle in a haystack. I think the geniune consencous is that once your adopted the buck stops there (so to speak!).

I'm currently having problems both at my adoptive family's relationship and I've had disasterous atempts at getting back in touch with my birth family. I hadn't got in touch with my birthmom for 24 years and then this year I got in touch but realised how difficult it would be to keep up the meetings when I noticed how bad her Mental Health was. I had two meetings with her over two months and then never got in contact again (both meetings were supported physically by an ex-foster mum that I kept in contact with from my teens, and who my birthmom had a positive connection with during the handover process at the childrens panel back when I was 8yrs old, hence the reason I thought it to be more logical than taking a complete stranger with me for support). I feel awful for ceasing the contact but for my own mental health, I thought it to be wise.

My ex-foster mum (efm) had noticed how history was repeating itself, when I suddenly became the parent to my birthmom and my efm had to tap me on the shoulder to calm me down. Obviously, the meetings HAD to come to an end, because, not only was it stressful for my efm but also for me and it really needed a professional mental health worker to intervene. How do you convince your birthmom you haven't seen for 24 years to get help, in order to help our relationship, when my birthmom consistently has said she doesn't need help. Many of you think she probably doesn't, but my sister (who wasn't adopted) has been consistently going to see her, to buy her food, etc and often discusses with me how difficult it seems to communicate with her and the fact she keeps trying to persuade her to get help, so it becomes really quite distressing for all involved. My birthmom has always said that she doesn't trust the government and the social care system, and I can only assume that she's been deeply scared in the way I had been split apart from my birthmom but the full story never seems to surface.

I feel very isolated at the moment with nobody physically I can talk to about having been adopted at the age of 10, and the feelings I have about my adoptive parents don't seem to be there. I feel like my adoptive parents are there for me financially but nothing is there emotionally and it's very difficult to convey these feelings when nobody I know has been through a similar feeling.

At the moment, I am on the verge of completing a Theraputic Community of being a patient of for 15months and feel I've gone as far as I can with it and it now feels that the feelings I have about being adopted have opened a new crossroads in my life and is a completely different issue to what I deal with in the TC. I believe the group have given me certain coping strategies to deal with every day life, but it seems, that since I investigated a support group for adoptive adults, about 150 miles away from my home, there is a sense of want to understand and accept being adopted and rejected and I seemed to get more out of that group than the group I currently get therapy in. I'm very confused and not sure what way in life I need to go. Trust is a very big issue for me so it's been very hard to trust this TC I'm attending when not a single patient in the group is adopted themselves so I've noticed I isolate myself further because of it.

If anyone has any contacts to the UK that might be able to help me I'd greatly appreciate it. I'm having a nightmare with these feelings and really don't want to make more mistakes, regrets etc for the next 10 years and just desperately alone with how I feel.

Snoopylou

snoopylou i am also in the uk and i know how you feel bout there being no support.
I recently found my birth mother and i was overjoyed i found a great stepfather and a 13 yr old half sister who had to be eoncieved by ivf ironic i thought.
My new family is huge and supportive and we all really want this to work but are having trouble communicating,i feel very counfused about it all ,as much as i want a relationship with my birth mother and family at times i find it hard as shed not making much effort to see me or talk to me .
I to have had a relationship similar to yours with my adopted parents , i had everything finacially but all they were were providers ,theres never been any feeling there ,we have never been close and they hate the fact ive traced my birth mother ,i have gone to my local authorites though and i am in the process of strating counselling ,my relationship with my adopted parents has broken down and it would have anyway to be honest this was the straw that broke the camels back so to speak ,but the local socail services can provide support for you if you ask and for free so try them .