[Mothertoo3]

Hello All:

My name is Ali and I found my birth family about 6 years ago. I had gained 7 new sisters and a brother. Also reuniting with my birthmom and bf, although they were never married. "A very long story"

I don't really feel like getting into how we all reunited and what has gone on since then, other to say, I honestly don't understand the birthmothers and what they are wanting out of a relationship with the child they gave up. I just wrote my birth mother a letter after 6 years of her playing with my heart and head. I have provided the letter below. I honestly don't understand where she is coming from and what she wants from me other than to torment me and my heart. Please read the letter and let me know all of your comments:

Dear J:

I wanted to write to you and let you know how I feel. I am not sure how you feel about me, but in order for me to move on with my life, I need to tell you what I am feeling. I don't expect you to share your feelings unless you want to, but I believe that I am owed the right to my own feelings, and I feel as a person, you should be able to respect them.

First of all, I am very disppointed in the way our relationship has turned out. I feel you have closed the door on me along time ago, lets say 37+ years ago. You had decided to release me from your life and move on. I respect your decision to do so, however, when we first made contact, you should had informed me that you did not want a relationship with me in the future. I feel I have given you a sense of comfort in knowing I was doing alright, and basically this is all you needed. However, filling that void at my expense was completely wrong. I feel very used and taken advantage of. Hurting me over and over I will NOT let you do anymore to me. Ignoring me and making me feel less than perfect or inferiour to you and your family will no longer exist in my world.

You my dear, brought me into this world, feeling rejected, torn and abused. I am not less than average, nor do I deserve to feel this way by the women who brought me into this world. Obviously your "upper class" feeling of wealth, has brought you a sadness one way or another. Giving up a child is a hard thing to do, but being able to have the oppurtunity to have a new life with a child, who was accepting and giving and wanted so much to be a part of your life, you abandoned. Do you know what this made me feel like??? Do you have any idea of the anger I hold towards you? You were given a second chance in life to make a difference to me and you have turned your back on me. This was your choice and ONLY your choice, I hope in the future you can make right with your God, that you have chosen to leave me for a second time.

I believe this whole ordeal was hard on you, as it was on me. But you being the mother, could have taken more time out of your life to enjoy the child you brought into this world. Getting to know my family, loving me for exactly who I was. Not showing me rejection. I truly believe in my heart, if you would have cared an ounce for me, you would have tried a little harder to get to know me, as you know, I am part of you, your blood, your skin, your mind. Denying me once if forgivable, denying me twice is unbearable.

I honestly cannot figuare out how I hurt you so bad that you were unable to enjoy a relationship with me or me and my family. My mother, was willing to give you chance, willing to accept you for you being the person who brought me into this world because it was important to me! She was willing to give but why couldn't you?

Bdad must have really done something to you along time ago that is unforgiving. But to deny me pleasure because of a mistake "which the way you make me feel about myself" a mistake, is not fair to me. I did not do any of this....I was created out of a love you and Jim thought you had. If he hurt you, this was NOT my fault. You told me I was created out of love, if I was so much created out of love, when you had a chance to be reaquainted with me, why did you turn your back on me so much?

Was it too hard because you already have a family? I was told from the very beginning that you ALL were searching for me and would accept me. Why did you lie to me, why did you open up your hearts to me to turn your back on me 5 years later?

I am honestly tired and fed up with being tormented over the fact that I found my birth family and my mother who does not want me. That is a pain that I will NEVER forget. I offered you a new life, a time to forgive yourself and rejoice in the chance to have a relationship with your own flesh and blood. I am not a hurtful person, I am not a bad person, I am not a person who deserves anything less than love from other human beings.

When and if you ever find it in your heart to be there for me, get to know me, and love me for me, you can let me know. If you have found closure in your heart to let me go, then be honest and tell me.....Tell me exactly what I did to you and how you are able to live day in and day our denying me of a love that I deserved. I deserved to be respected as your child, then and now. I deserved to get to know my sisters the way any other person deserves it, but no, I was turned away.

Explain to me how you can justify this in your heart.I hope someday J, before it not too late, you can respond maturely to my questions, explaining everything to me. Otherwise, as I mentioned above, just tell me you no longer seek a relationship from the woman you brought to life.

Regards,

[Oceans]

(( Ali )) I think your letter is fine. It is heartfelt and you absolutely have the right to express how you feel to your birthmom. I truly hope you can find some peace with all of this. Even more I hope your Mom "wakes up" and appreciates the opportunity you have given her so she can start her own healing.

Take Care. This is a great place to find support.

[Mothertoo3]

Thank you....(((as tears run down my face)))

This letter was extremely hard to write and I am tired of trying to hold on to something that maybe not even there. J was very very anxious and cooperative to meet with me. She fully embraced me and so did her 4 girls. We had a great relationship for about 3 months and then all of a sudden it started to change. I believe she woke up from the fantasy of it all and realized it was now a reality.

She has given me tons of mixed messages along the last few years, she tells me she loves me then does not talk to me for months. If I ask her to do something she is busy. She almost has changed her life to avoid me. I am tired of not knowing what she wants and was not sure if my letter came across as angry or not.

Thank you for the support.

Ali

[Mothertoo3]

Well J has already written back. Here is her response to my letter:

Ali,

I appreciate you sharing your feelings. I will not put my feelings down on paper. I would be willing and desirous to discuss this with you and answer your questions ONLY if there is third party (non related) present to help both of us accurately hear each other. I am in place now that I can do this with Lee's recovery.

You can let me know if you are willing and able to move forward in this way. I believe we can have a healthy and adult relationship.

J

And this is my response to her:

J:

I have been willing and able to do so for some time now. Whenever we have discussed this in the past you said you were not ready. I have respected that decision for sometime now. Then not hearing from you for months on end, I assume you are no longer desiring a relationship with me, in turn, YES this letter is how I feel. I have wrote many letters in the last few years and have thrown them away. Not ready to truly end something that was never given a chance. I have finally reached my "letting go" point in my life and the ball is in your court.

I honestly, am not able to wait another year or many months for you to want to have a counceling session, as I feel that day will never really come??>? Speaking from past experiences. My suggestion along time ago was to do this and to get a third party involved as I feel I need to vent how I feel and have you be able to listen in a comforting environment as I feel that is the type of environment you will need. Again, let me know what and when you would like to proceed. If you have someone in mind, please be respectful enough to let me know who it is so I can check with my insurance company to make sure I would be covered.

Ali

[Oceans]

Perfect... I think putting the ball in her court was a great idea.

She sounds like she is willing to try. It also sounds like there is a bit of history between you both that needs to be resolved. Have you clearly defined for yourself what you want from this relationship... Yes, it is OK to want something... we all do.

Having clarity around that will help the counseling go smoother.

[Mothertoo3]

No, but you are right, clarity is what I need. I have to really figuare out what I want from this relationship with her. Along the way it has changed greatly. J has only wanted a relationship with me if I called her Mom or if I let her think of me as her daughter. She at first just thought, she would meet me and instantly I would become part of her loving family (her family is very loving, moreso than any other family I have ever met) Once she realized that I was not ready for that right away and that I needed to get to know her, she backed off. I believe she imagined things going so differently when we first met and me not living up to these expectations she had of me has put a strain on any type of relationship we could have had. I explained I needed to get to know her, start a relationship with her and get to understand her better. I could not become the daughter she wanted me to be right away, she said she understood this, but her actions speak clearly differently.

Ali

[Oceans]

Ali - Ahhhh... You know I would have guessed your situation to be the other way around. You wanted a mom/daughter relationship but she did not.

In this case I do hold a lot of hope for your future together. I don't know why, it seems "better" to me - I guess it's because I too am a birthmom - lol...

I am hoping some other people chime in here with advice/support. I just know that for me, understanding exactly what I want from my reunion someday has helped me thru some conflicted feelings at times. It didn't make it easier, it just helped me to re-focus on what was important.

My best suggestion would be to visualize the future and what you want it to be. If that vision is valuable enough, maybe you can get to a place where you are willing to make a fresh start.

I still believe that letting her set up the counseling is a good thing. She may need to re-connect to this relationship. But keep in mind, she may be just as disappointed as you are... She didn't get what she was hoping for either...

Hugs -

[kune]

Whow....time to take a big breathe here and really work out what's going on.

When someone upsets you (or me) they create a reaction and you have to sit down, take a big breathe and decide what it is that you are upset about. What you are not getting. How that person has not delivered on what you expected. So, yes. Being very clear on how you wanted them to be, and what you wanted them to do.

J has only wanted a relationship with me if I called her Mom or if I let her think of me as her daughter.

The title you use for Jennifer should be a loving one - Not necessarily Mom but something that is respectful of her position - Jennifer as a title is not disrespective in my book.

I could not become the daughter she wanted me to be right away, she said she understood this, but her actions speak clearly differently.

She will always think of you as a daughter. She gave you life, went through the birthing process so in her mind you are her daughter and nothing you can do can change that.

Neither of these statements means you can't have a relationship.

There's a lot of pre-guessing going on. I'd suggest you ask direct questions so you get direct answers in the counselling session. If you can establish clear and open communication lines you will both know for sure what the other wants. From your posts I get the impression that she thought that you needed time (without her) to sort this relationship out, when you (I'm assuming now) wanted time with her - more time to get to know each other on a friendly basis; to find out how each other "ticked".

Ali - reunion takes years to work out. It can't be sorted in a month, a year, or even 6 years if there is anger and hurt and disappointment still swirling around in the relationship. But you have a lifetime to get it right. There's no finish date. And "leaving it in her court" and waiting for her to meet your demands is not actively working together to make a wonderful relationship. You also need to look at your issues, acknowledging to yourself first and then to her that you may have been over-reacting, and together coming up with a plan that will work with both of you. An intermediary is not going to fix this. Kind words and a little bit of loving will.

I will keep watching this thread and hoping that two people can weave their way through all this and come together as friends. Only then can you start making a solid relationship.

Ann

[Mothertoo3]

Hi Ann:

I appreciate your imput, but not really knowing the circumstances of where we are today and suggesting that I am not actively working together with her is an assumption.

This letter was a good bye letter of allowing her to let me go. I have tried extremely hard in the relationship and have given her many oppurtunities to become part of my life, however I have the right to want to be friends first before becoming anything meaningfull to her. I do have a Mother already and family is who you choose it to be. It takes hard work and dedication and Susan has chose not to do this in the past.

Thank you,
Ali

[MamaS]

when we first made contact, you should had informed me that you did not want a relationship with me in the future. I feel I have given you a sense of comfort in knowing I was doing alright, and basically this is all you needed. However, filling that void at my expense was completely wrong.
I really like this sentence in your original letter. Sometimes it seems like people are so hung up on what they want that they do not think about the effect of their desires on the other person. This is true on both sides.
Some say: I want to know who my bmother is and I don't care whether she wanted a closed adoption. I have the RIGHT to know my whole bio-family whether they like it or not.
Then there are bmothers who say: My child is 18 now I am going to find him/her and declare myself whether they are searching for me or not. I have the RIGHT to contact them now that they are 18 whether the aparents like it or not and whether my bchild has expressed a desire for contact or not. I want to know.
You sound like a person who has been very considerate of your bmother's feelings and wishes. I am sorry she was not as considerate of yours.

[kune]

Ali
I'm sorry you took that from my post. (Reading it back I can see how it looked that way) I don't for one minute think you have not actively worked on the relationship. The way I read your post was that you have been doing all the work and she has been stepping back.

From a birthmothers perspective (mine) I don't think she is trying to intentionally upset a possible relationship. To me her letter sounded like someone who is scared to move forward (or scarred because she's still stuck in the past). If this is true, she needs to work through her own emotional fears before she can come to a place of real understanding.

I feel for you Ali - I can only imagine how emotionally draining this conflict is and as a young Mom with a family you need your energy for everyday things. I hope she can see what is possible, and make that appointment for counselling.

Ann

[Jackiejdajda]

On reading this thread I am reminded of a book written by A.M. Homes...
The Mistress's Daughter..

I think of the mystification of reunion.. and the line.. "She is on stopped time."

I know that line does not apply to the situation in this thread but its about how hard all this is.. for everyone involved..
That’s the message to me.. not the apples and oranges of who did what to whom.. and whether it was done right..


Jackie

[Mothertoo3]

I guess my confusion in all of this is maybe I don't understand how the "birthmothers" feel. Not to be mean.....but being an adoptee, speaking for Adoptee's out there, I truly do not understand how us adoptee's can hurt the birthparents. I suppose if I was not willing to have a relationship with my "Mother" that I agree would be hurtful, however, seeing as I had put an effort in trying to make this work, waiting months upon months to years of trying to start a connnection, I have slowly started to accept her (Jennifer) not wanting to be a part of this. How long must us Adoptee's have to wait for the Birthparents to work out there emotions? Why are we expected to suffer the reminance of there emotions from so long ago?

As I mentioned before, there is tons of history between J and I. I originally only started searching for my birth family for the sake of my childrens health. I never anticipated to find anyone and for me, I was one of the lucky one's where everything fell into place within days of posting a search. For this, I thank God above and believe "HE" had a reason why this was all too happen. But on the other hand, there is alot of which I have not told you all about us first meeting, and the progression of the relationship. Maybe if I summize this information, you all would have a better understanding of why I am so upset and angry. I am not here to start conflicts, I believe it will be quite healthy for us "ALL" to give our own perpespectives on the situation so maybe we can grow and help each other along the way. I really need support and guidance and would love to hear from others that have gone through this before. Whether it is from a Birthmothers, fathers, or siblings perspective.

Thank you,
Ali

[RavenSong]

Hi, Ali...

I think it's helpful not to make sweeping generalizations about all birthmothers or all reunions. Each of us have our own experiences, our own emotions, our own way of dealing with relationships. For example, as a bmom, I have never shared my feelings of grief or loss with my son during the past 18 years that we have been in reunion. I have always considered those feelings and issues to be mine alone. But then I have never been someone who agrees with any parent burdening their children with their own emotional baggage.

A couple years before I reunited with my son, I joined a triad support group, read every book that was published on adoption, and went into psychotherapy. I felt it was my responsibility to be as emotionally healthy as possible and to deal with the trauma surrounding relinquishment. I think many of the birthmoms here on these forums who participate on a regular basis have done the same.

You ask how long adoptees should wait while their birthmothers "work out their emotions". There is no specific timetable for healing. One thing I think you need to recognize is that your bmom may not have had the time you did to prepare for this reunion. You say you are the one who initiated the search, so you must have been somewhat prepared emotionally to deal with this new relationship. But if Susan didn't have any idea that the two of you were going to be reunited, she very well may have not taken any proactive steps in her own emotional recovery. And that's going to take time...I know that sucks, but it's reality.

I realize that you haven't told us all the specifics of your reunion, including your post-reunion relationship. But from her response to your last email, it sounds to me as if she does want you in her life. Believe me, if you weren't important to her, she just wouldn't have answered. She especially would not have invited you to join her in a counseling/mediation environment to open up the communication.

You say that you truly don't understand "how us adoptees can hurt the birthparents." There are many ways that people can hurt the ones' they love in any relationship. Birthmothers are human beings too, after all. For me, personally, it hurts if my son withholds his affection for me as a means of punishment for some unintended transgression. Fortunately, he doesn't do this very often, and when he does, I have to step back and realize that in my heart, I know he loves me. We've gone thru a lot during the past 18 years. The hardest part of reunion for me was the first few years...my son was an 18-year-old drug addict when we first reunited, so we had a rough time of it for a while, until he finally cleaned up. (He recently celebrated his 14th anniversary of being clean and sober.)

While many reunions develop to be strong and healthy over time, some do not. I think that some people just are not as willing to face things head on, to communicate their feelings, to define their expectations, or to deal with past traumas that are now impacting their relationships. Reunion can be a difficult journey, more so for some than others. We hear a lot these days about unconditional love, but sometimes I wonder how common that really is and what it really means. I know some bmoms I've met in support groups over the years have been afraid of setting boundaries with their now-adult children, citing how that wouldn't be practicing unconditional love. I know in my own situation, I had to get tough with my son in the early years of reunion. His drug of choice in those years (crystal meth) resulted in some really obnoxious, scary behavior. After placing him into rehab multiple times, only for him to sign himself out, I finally had to step back...to "let go and let God". So, yes, there are ways that adoptees can hurt birthparents, just like there a multitude of ways that "raised" children can hurt their biological parents.

Finally, you asked, "Why are we expected to suffer the reminance of there emotions from so long ago?" My answer for you is that you aren't...are you sure you aren't subjecting yourself to your own self-expectations? I think most of the bmoms here on the forums would agree with me when I say that if you were my daughter, I wouldn't expect you to suffer on my behalf. On the other hand, I do often advise adoptees to be patient with their bmoms (as long as the bmom isn't being abusive in any way) because it does take time to heal. And I also advise birthmoms to be patient with their reunited adult children. Heck, I advise everybody I know in life to be patient with each other, to envision walking a mile in someone else's shoes. The world could use a bit more patience, a bit more empathy, and a lot more love.

[kune]

How long must us Adoptee's have to wait for the Birthparents to work out there emotions?

That's like asking how long is a piece of string.

Ali I gave my son up for adoption. At the time it was the best decision I could make in what I thought were desperate circumstances. I left the hospital telling myself I did the right thing yet spent the next 33 years always questioning my motives. I lost my baby. I couldn't grieve or mourn what I had lost. I was told to get over it and move on. But I've since found out that very seldom do birthmothers do that. I thought of my son every day, and I beat myself up more times than I can remember for giving my first-born away to strangers. I was ashamed of myself - no good woman could possibly be that cruel and heartless. Women nurture....but I didn't. The nursing staff were pretty vocal with their opinions, and treated me like a piece of trash. I never knew anyone else who had done something as unwomanly as I had.

I married a really good man 2 years after he was born and within 12 months was a mother to another son. His birth was amazing and wonderful, but also very very sad as I went over what could have been with my 1st son. I sought counselling (unheard of at that time) and started to make sense of my grief. I really thought I had sorted it 30 years later when my bson found me but after the 1st meeting my 50 year old psych took another hit and I was back in that dark place again. It was easier this time. I had this wonderful young man to focus on and I could see and dream about what was possible if I sorted my emotional self out. I had to tell my family (who never knew) that I had a son and placed him for adoption. Instead of being judged I was hugged...amazing!!! I told very close friends and found two had done exactly the same but were always ashamed to acknowledge it. (These are women I had known as close friends for 20 years..???) Like me they always had felt less womanly...less motherly and overcompensated with their kept children in many ways.

What I'm trying to say is it actually took me 37 years to come to terms with my own actions. I doubted myself and when I finally met my son, I doubted he would want to be part of my life. Again I went through the process and when I had finally trusted his intentions, life and our reunion blossomed.

Why are we expected to suffer the reminance of there emotions from so long ago?

It's not your place to heal your Mom. Only she can do that - at her own pace and in her own way. You can support her need to take it one step at a time though. If she broke her leg you would wait for it to heal. Her courage may be broken, and you can only do the same....Wait.
But I also think she needs to keep you in the loop. Anyone who has been in reunion hates the waiting and/or the lack of response.
Ann