[Mommy24]

Apparently aliens have taken my ex-husband (bfather of my bson) and replaced him with an idiot. Ok, so he was an idiot before and that is why I divorced him but that is for another thread at another time, here is my real problem:

Our bson is almost 17 (october 16) and he has a MySpace, which is open for all the world to see. It includes lots of pictures of himself and his girlfriend. My ex took it upon himself to download a couple of those pictures to his own computer and then upload them to his MySpace and then proceeded to say that he was a dad to bson's initials and our other 3 children's initials. He see's nothing wrong with this and I do. Infact, I have a HUGE problem with it for various reasons. So, I come here to ask you all, how would you feel if you came across your bfamilies myspace and saw pictures of yourself that you did not give them? How would you feel about seeing that your bdad had writtent that he was dad to "your initials"? I am freaking out here, I do not want him to ruin any chance we have at making this a positive reunion (if at all, KWIM).

Please be honest as I am going to give him your responses and if you disagree with what he is doing please remember I am just the messenger

THANKS!!

[akcskye]

That's hard to say Michelle, because I don't know your story.

If this was a simple, amicable divorce, then I would see no problem with this, and the initials rather than his name could easily be explained away to your son as your ex not wanting to make his minor child easy to find on the net.

However, with your reaction to it, I sense there is more to it...so if you want to PM me to explain the situation further, you're more than welcome to; however, it is none of my business, honestly, so I will not be offended if you say no, too.

So, with that, I'll go by worst case scenario (at least in my book).

Let's say ex took you to the cleaners, you lost everything, and he emotionally (and perhaps physcially) abused you and your son to the point he's not even allowed to see him for this reason.

If something like this was the case, I can see why you'd be upset, but I can also see why he doesn't see the problem, too.

After all...animosity aside...he is his father, and even though those pictures weren't given to him, it is his son, and if he's not receiving updates on his son (whether by a judge or by your own choices for your family), I can see where he got his temptation.

Does it make it right or excuseable? No.

I realize your son didn't care who saw...but if you really wanted to make a point to your ex if he doesn't see the "personal" point, is that what he did was a violation of copyright.

Your son owns the rights to those pictures, and your husband copied them and redistributed them.

I'm sure that you feel your privacy has been violated, and that is the cause of much of your emotions. It's a very valid argument.

But, like I said, without knowing the whole story, it's hard to make a judgement of "right or wrong" without knowing a little more detail...even if all you said was "yes, he did harm me or my child" would even help.

Because then, I would think "stalker".

IF any of the above drivel of mine makes sense. LOL

(((HUGS)))

[Mommy24]

Kristi~ I am talking about our birthson, whom we do not have custody of. We placed him in a semi-open adoption that was closed on us 10 years ago.

Thank you for your input though, now what do you think about this? If it were our parented children I wouldn't have a problem with it, as much as I think he is an idiot we have an OK relationship.

[lonni]

When I upload my pix to picassa online albums, it asks me if I want my pix to be downloadable or not. I wonder if myspace has that? Since many teens have magical thinking (nothing is dangerous,Cause I am superman) then they may not use that option anyways, but it would take away copyright I believe. But being a minor, who knows what may apply. I do not think he should have it public (exhubby) but maybe for private? If he insists on having a public myspace, then he should not have them on there.As an adoptee, it would feel freaky to me I think.(ya know, the whole world of teens can have my pix,but thats different in a teen's mind)
Then as an adoptive mom I would be fine because we have an open adoption.However, some APs would not be okay with it in this situation~I am guessing.

[Jackiejdajda]

I do not think you can control what your ex husband is doing.. I think he is wrong.. as wrong as it gets.. tho.

But when we try and control someone else or heck the outcome of a reunion we are in trouble..

Maybe make sure your bson knows you do not like what has happened..
But you can not take it back..

Check out this from Melody Beattie about control..

From Melody Beattie.. from Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps..

Page 22..


...."I hate that I can't control... I hate being vulnerable and
helpless. I don't like feeling uncomfortable or being in emotional
pain. I get sick having to detach and surrender. But the love affair
with this step comes in when I admit the truth.. I am powerless over
much in my life, and when I try to have power where I have none, I get
crazy. I can't control others, no matter how much I want to, no
matter how much better I think I know what's right for them.


I can't control what others do, think, or feel, whether or how they
choose to interact with me, whether or when they choose to grow and
change, and whether or when they choose to recover from their
addictions.


Sometimes I can't control myself.


I'm powerless over the backlog of feelings and negative beliefs I've
accumulated. I'm powerless over my own and others people's addictions,
including addictions to alcohol and misery.. I can't control my
children or other people's children.. I'm powerless over results,
life, circumstances, events. I can't control the course of
relationships.. I can't control timing..


God, I wish I could control timing..


But I can't..





..............further down the page..


When I try to control people, I make them and myself crazy. When I try
to control addictions, the addictions control me. When I try to
control what others think of me, I turn into a puppet on strings.
Controlling makes me and others crazy. It puts me under the control
of whatever I'm trying to influence. I lose myself. I lose touch with
myself.


And other people get angry with me and tend to back off..


When I try to control situations and circumstances, I set up blocks
to events moving forward.. When I spend time and energy trying to have
power when I have none, I lose my ability to live my own life..


Every time I get into a situation similar to yours I go back and read this..

Jackie

[Mommy24]

Ok, I do not want control. I am not asking for advice on how to change him, he is who he is, he does what he does. I am asking for input from adoptees on HOW THEY WOULD FEEL if they came across this.

Thanks

[akcskye]

Okay, yeah, that changes things.

Whatever the reason was for closing (no matter how "wrong" the reason if it was a decision that didn't involve the birth parents), then there was an expectation of anonymity from him, or the a-family at the very least...so yes, pictures should come down.

It would be more appropriate, if he wanted those pictures, to print them off and keep them in an album...not post them online for all to see.

What if your son doesn't have a clue who you guys are now or something?

I think it would damage your son by seeing his pictures on the net with someone else claiming to be his father...even if he knew 100% who you are...you're not the ones he's in custody with...so that would feel QUITE akward to him, to say the least.

Originally Posted by Mommy24

Kristi~ I am talking about our birthson, whom we do not have custody of. We placed him in a semi-open adoption that was closed on us 10 years ago.

Thank you for your input though, now what do you think about this? If it were our parented children I wouldn't have a problem with it, as much as I think he is an idiot we have an OK relationship.

[txrnr]

As an adoptee, it would freak me out. (of course, I'm 40, not a teen). I have parents, and I wouldn't want someone else claiming me, especially if we had never met. (after we have a relationship...then maybe) That's simply my opinion though. I'm sure others may be touched to see their birthparent thought of them in that way, even before a reunion.

[Sniffles]

As an adoptee, if I was that age I would be a little upset, but part of me would think it was kind of cool. HOWEVER, as a parent and I know my parents would say the same, he has no right to post a pic of a child who is not legally his. I would be furious and it could jeopardize any future relationship.

[browneyes0707]

Sometimes I wonder if we have the same ex. I think at the least they are long lost relatives. Or maybe they share a half a brain.

You know my story, and since what my stupid ex did DOES have some effect on how my own contact\reunion is going, I don't blame you for being upset. Sending good thoughts your way.

And yes, there is a way to stop photosharing on myspace. I have my settings set to no photosharing, and my pics and my profile are private.

I'm interested in hearing some responses too.

[heidibay66]

as an adoptee I would want my parents to find me, but then again at the moment I am a stranger to them so downloading my pictures would really freak me out. But this is your ex, he is the one with the problem not you. As long as you do what is right, and what you believe to be right, then it should not affect how your bson feels about you. I am sure that someday he will realize that this is one of the reasons this man is your ex and why you thought your bson might be better off somewhere else.
We are only responsible for and to ourselves in the greater adult world scheme of things. Just pray for your ex, God's wrath is much worse than ours will ever be. He will end up being the one who looses out in the end.
If my birth father did that to me at 14 I would probably think he was a freaK (I am 41 now) and probably have a greater understanding and compassion for my birth mother.
good luck to play for your dancers above

[disolveme]

I'd report him to my space..stealing pic's is not allowed. He's broke the copyright rule.

I'm an adoptee and this would of made me mad as hell. A father claiming me as his, but having no idea about my likes, dislikes, thoughts, feelings.

My own bdaughters are on my space, one is an adult and has left home now to work in Scotland, the other is still at home, though 18. I do not even look at the one who's at home, as it's her private (public I know) business. She uses my space to commicate and share with her friends, most from our old home (we moved)
I'm babbling here. What I'm trying to say is I honor my bdaughtes privacy. I don't take their photos and even though I've been added to my eldest daughters list of friends, make sure I don't step over any boundaries.
IMO your ex has stepped over a boundary and it could effect any reunion (if it ever happens) between the two of you and your bson. You son isn't a prize for you ex to show off to the world.

[lahdh4]

He stole your bsons pics and sorry but that just isn't right on any level. There are other ways of going about and getting photos the right way but to download them to his own page.
Just not right.

[loveajax]

Ack! So not right. The question is: do you rat him out to your son or his a parents? It's outrageous. If this happened to my DH (who is an adoptee), he would have a cow. Do you think your son will "find" this somehow?

[Amyie]

I found my bson on myspace. I printed up some of his pictures and bookmar