[marymaid]

I found my Bmom about 2 years ago.How do you come to calling her mom when you have only known one mom ? My adoptrd mom has passed away but she was the only mom I ever knew.I get my birthmom cards that say mom but on the phone or to her face I call her by her first name. Also she doesnt introduse me to her family or friends as her daughter I am a friend. PLEASE HELP! Thanks for listening. MAry

[MaryannsMiracle]

Hi

It seems as though your Bmom not very comfortable with you calling her mom at this point in time by the way she is introducing you to others. These relationships do take time. By the time I found my bmom she had passed away even though she was someone that I knew my entire life (she was my aunt) Even still, just the thought of referring to anyone other than my amom seens awkward and not natural for me. IMHO, I only have one mother and that is the only mother that I ever knew and the one that raised me. Amom is the woman who earned the title of mom despite being birthed by bmom. Of course this is not meaning disrespect in any way to Bmom or than I love her any less. I guess for me it is a tad different as Bmom was not a total stranger to me, yet she was very much a stranger as far as any kind of maternal attatchment went.

I imagine it would be just as awkward and uncomfortable to my Bmom too since she raised her subsequent children and was used to only them calling her mom. It is quite dificult to just one day decided to call someone mom as an adult. My only advice to you is to bide your time and work on building a mother/daughter type relationship. One of the things I worried about when seaching was looking to replace amom or in some way betraying amom. Then I realized that nothing could take away from the love I have for amom or lessen her importance in my life.

Truth be told, I probably would have never search had I not been in a position of dire need for medical information.


Good Luck and God Bless,

Maryann

[pg13209]

Hi.
My amom is my only mom. It is to difficult to explain to people when they ask about my "real" mother. My real mother is my amom my bmom is Manuela. I only call her by her first name. In my opinion she gave up the right o be called mom when she signed the papers terminating her rights to be my mother.

[soccercmh]

I feel the same as pg13209 does, but some people do and prefer to call their bmom "mom." If you would like to refer to her as your mom and her to refer to you as her daughter, I would recommend talking to her about it. Or maybe calling her mom on the phone/in an email just to see how she responds. She may just be referring to you as a friend because she thinks that's what you feel most comfortable with. In my situation, I am only comfortable with a friend relationship with my bmom. She tested the waters a few months after we met by leaving a message on my voicemail saying "this is your mom." Next time I talked with her I explained I wanted to be on friend terms, and she was ok with that. You just need to figure out what each person is comfortable with.

[sarahbunny]

I'm sorry that you seem to want to, but don't know how to go about it. I don't have any real advice, but maybe you could ask her about it? Like ask her if she is most comfortable with you calling her "X" and see what she says. I agree that she may not be ready for it.

I guess I'm looking it like how I would approach it if I were to call my mil mom.

[Peace.]

Originally Posted by pg13209

Hi.
My amom is my only mom. It is to difficult to explain to people when they ask about my "real" mother. My real mother is my amom my bmom is Manuela. I only call her by her first name. In my opinion she gave up the right o be called mom when she signed the papers terminating her rights to be my mother.

I feel the same as PG...Since I've been in contact with my b/mom other people refer to her as my mom, but I always call her birth mom or bio mom and Jenny to her face. I've no desire or intention of ever calling her my mom. But then, I still can't believe that she is my b/mom!! Is it something you actually want to call her? or do you think you should.

[sal]

I grew up knowing that I had two mothers... one that gave birth to me and one that was raising me... one not superior over the other... it was just the fact that I had two mothers. I called my bmother her first name for a while at the beginning of the reunion... but easily slipped to Mom not too far in. I've been calling my best friend's mothers "Mom" since Junior High School... adding another mom this one bio and not just honorary..just seemed to fit. It took awhile but I finally felt comfortable calling my bmother's husband "Dad" after my afather died.. I grew up having very little respect for my bfather for not standing by my bmother and marrying her...so wasn't ever thinking as I grew up that I have 2 dads... I was fiercely loyal to my afather...but then after he died... the natural progression for me was to call my bmother's husband "Dad" which has made him VERY happy. I think it's important to use whatever term/name fits for you... and them... Reunion is such a personal journey... and even when you locate and connect... the journey doesn't end. It's important to feel comfortable with whatever you decide... AND what's comfortable for your bparent as well... good luck to you all.. sal

[austin0i]

Peace,

I just wanted to chime in on this subject and say I chose to call my birth mother mom because I felt it, as did she.

I believe I have two mothers and each to me are mom.

Reunions are deeply personal journeys and each of us pave our own way, so what works for each of us is right.

[eyejustam]

I located my DH's first mother after an 18 year search. He had his aparents blessings on finding her and even gave us paperwork to help. I found her right after my DH turned 52. His aparents had both died before we could find her. He had a very fast reunion. I located his mom on a Sunday, confirmed on Monday, met her on Tuesday. We also met his 2 1/2 brothers and his aunt. We are all pretty straight forward people. So DH asked her what did she want him to call her, he asked her if it was ok to call her mom. She then listed the things a mom does for her children, tucking them in at night, kissing their boo boo's, teaching them to walk and talk. Manners, etc. My DH told her yes they do all of those things, but they also give birth to you and make hard decisions on what is best for you. She then said well I guess that means you can call me mom. Both of his brothers thought that was great, that she was his mother. She only lived 2 months after that, but she always refered to him as her son and he refered to her as his mom. His brother called him after she died and asked if it was ok with him if they included him in her obituary as her son. He was honored to be listed as such. It is a very personal choice. My DH loves his aparents. Nothing can change who and what they are to him. He also loves his first mother for who and what she is too him.

[Peace.]

Originally Posted by austin0i

Peace,

I just wanted to chime in on this subject and say I chose to call my birth mother mom because I felt it, as did she.

I believe I have two mothers and each to me are mom.

Reunions are deeply personal journeys and each of us pave our own way, so what works for each of us is right.

I must admit I do have a tendancy to think others feel as I do......

[austin0i]

Originally Posted by Peace.

I must admit I do have a tendency to think others feel as I do......

I have a tendency to do that too Peace.

What happened to me is that as soon as I had contact with my bmom, I knew she was my mother and it felt natural to call her mom. What felt unnatural was to use her first name and I do not like all the qualifiers, birth, first etc.

Of course there were hesitations when I thought of my mom (Amom), but I realized that they were more out of guilt and obligations than anything else.

I can have two mothers and I can surely love two mothers. I really believe our birthmothers gave up the right to parent, but not to be a mother. I know I never left my bmom's heart all these years. That is a mother's love.

So, she is my mom and my mom is my mom and I have two mothers.

I love them both.

[jrainbow]

I can have two mothers and I can surely love two mothers. I really believe our birthmothers gave up the right to parent, but not to be a mother. I know I never left my bmom's heart all these years. That is a mother's love.


What a great way to put it! That is exactly how I feel.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by MaryannsMiracle

Hi

It seems as though your Bmom not very comfortable with you calling her mom at this point in time by the way she is introducing you to others.

It could be her reluctance has more to do with you calling her by her first name. Maybe she is trying to protect your privacy

[ccurrycarla]

IMHO, titles do not really matter. Don't get caught up in what to call your birth mom. Concentrate on developing the relationship. If you want to call her Mom then call her Mom. Don't worry so much about what she may or may not say. I hope that I'm not sounding cold because I really don't mean to. I've been in reunion for a little over a year now and I didn't feel comfortable calling her Mom at first. Like you my amom also passed away and she was my real mom. As time progressed I became more comfortable with callling her Mom because calling by her fist name was disrespectful to me. So my advice is to enjoy getting to know your birth mom and let what happens happen.

[disolveme]

There many be many reasons why she doesn't introduce you as her daughter. She may be being thoughtful about your feelings.

In my case, my bmother hasn't told her friends or her fathers side of her family about my birth. She's kept this secret for over 40 years and I imagine it would be very difficult for her to admit to having a child out of wedlock now. She still (even in this day and age) feels the stigma and shame of that.
I'm not saying this is why your mother doesn't introduce you as her daughter.

Talk to her, she maybe longing to be called mom and to introduce you as her daughter. Until you talk, you may just be guessing.