[full-of-hope]

I will give a quick run down on our history before I ask my question. 2yrs. ago I came home and a DHHR worker was at my door asking that I keep my niece (she had just turned 1) for awhile until my sister could straighten her life out. O.K. - now it is 2 yrs. later and siters oarental rights are going to be terminated soon and we will adopt. This little girl became my daughter in my heart a long time ago. She calls me and hubby mommy and daddy. Thru out these past 2 yrs. my girl has seen my sister/her bio. mom periodically and has always referred to her as Mommy Nancy and I am just Mommy. Do you adult adoptees think you would have been confused by this as a child? Do you think it would be more confusing to change it after the adoption is final considering she is now 3 and will likely be 4 by then? I know for me it is sometimes hard to hear another be called mommy even if Nancy is in front of it (I also know it is painful for sister) but what is best for her and healthy for her is what is important. Please advice me.

[shadow riderer]

Please remember this is just strictly my opinion as an adoptee.



Does your daughter seem confused, or is it really just a painful feeling for both you and her bio mother? You and bio mom will have to decide that. As
an adoptee, I don't think I was ever confused about having two mothers. It was just a fact of my life. Even before my reunion, and for as long as I can
remember, I always had two mothers. It wasn't something I questioned. That is just how it is. Nothing wrong with that and normal for an adoptee.



Again, just my opinion. I am no child expert. I think your daughter should be allowed to decide for herself how to distinguish between the two of you. Questions will probably arise as she grows older, but I think if you and her bio mom are honest with her, show her that you both love and care for her, she will adjust fine to having two moms. Besides, you can never have too many people to love you.


Hope this helps.

[kathy0987654321]

Adding my opinion (FWIW) as an adoptee and a prospective adoptive parent.

I have a history that is very similar to your daughter's. My adoption was within family and I went to live with my parents at 18 months. I am told that I was confused for a while about who my parents were and what names to use for the various people in my life. After much reflection as an adult, I truly think that my confusion came from the confusion of the adults around me. If the adults in my life had been clear (emotionally) as to their role in my life, then I would not have been confused. As to changing names once the adoption is finalized, my experience as an older child was that I felt weird (like I was lying) calling my bio father "uncle".

As a prospective adoptive parent, I am planning on referring to my child's birthparents as "mommy (first name)" and "daddy (first name)". I feel that this does not take anything away from me being their parent.

[fauxgina]

I don't think it will be too confusing for her to have two mommies, although she may find another term for your sister as she gets older (or maybe not). It seems like a good idea to acknowledge your sister's relationship to your niece/soon-to-be adopted daughter without diminishing your own role as adoptive mother; it may prevent either one of you feeling cheated later on. She may have questions about it when other kids find it strange that she has two mommies, but as long as you're honest about why that is the case, I imagine she should be fine with it. Kids are resilient little creatures!

Also, like shadow said, if she seems uncomfortable with it now it might be a good idea to change it. If she's fine with it, though, I'd stick with it for consistency's sake.

[sleepdeprived]

Just another opinion, I would be honest to her about where she came from. I think one of the reasons that being adopted was never a big deal to me is it was explained to me before I was old enough to understand. I personally don't think it matters what she calls her bio mom/legal auntie in terms of your relationship. Names are not what build relationships. My daughter called a lot of people mama when she was learning to talk (including grandma and the daycare lady), but it didn't make me less special. I think that the most confusing thing you could do is all of a sudden ask her to start calling someone a differnt name than what she has been using.

Good luck and congrats on the adoption!

[mom2GRLC]

I'm not an adoptee. I'm an adoptive parent but thought I'd chime in here.

While fostering my oldest daughter from the ages of 14months to 2 1/2 years we called her birthmom....Momma ______ (first name). Once she had terminated her parental rights we switched it to just calling her by her first name and dropping the momma. It was a very confusing time for my daughter and we felt the best way for her to understand what was going on, that she was no longer going home to birthmom was for her to SEE and actual change.... talking to her about adoption adn about how she won't be her mommy _____ anymore that she would now be her birthmom_______ really helped her make that realization of what was happening. She also helped to pick out her new name. So that's a decision that even almost 3 years later I am really happy we made for her and for our family.

Some kids may not NEED to see that change or feel that stability/security but with the way our daughters case went especially the last several months of it, it was REALLY important that she clearly realized that she didn't have a momma_____ anymore that she was going to go live with....she had a birthmom______ that would always be a special person in her life but that she would be adopted and now live with us forever.