[shadow riderer]

Won’t go into details. It would take too long, and I am just way too upset. In short:

Don’t have any kind of real relationship with Bio Mom, because she is so ashamed of the whole unwed mother of the 60’s thing that she can’t bring herself to tell anyone I am her daughter. but, on the rare occasion we do talk she will tell me she loves me.

Relationship with Bio Dad is really crazy. He treats me more like his mistress than his daughter, because his wife is jealous, posessive, and “Doesn’t understand our relationship.”…but, he tells me that I am the most important thing in his life. He always ends our phone calls with “I love you.”, well except when his wife may be within earshot.

Been in contact with Bio sister, on my Bio Dad’s side, for a year and a half. Not much communication in that time and only by email, and only if I email her first. She says she wants to get to know me and loves me, but it’s so hard for her. She can’t tell her mother, my Bdad’s first wife, because she ( my Bsis mother) hates my Bdad so much. My bio sis is 39!

Everyone wants me to “bare with them”, “try to understand this is so difficult”, etc. After 18 years with bio mom, 2 years with bio dad, and a year and a half with bio sis, I’m not feeling the love. I’m a little tired of being patient and understanding, and very, very close to telling them all to kiss my you know what! Cause, all this love is killing me.

This is all crap, and they all need to grow up and get a back bone.

Thanks for letting me vent. I figured better here than emails to them, although, at the moment, I’m really, really, really tempted.

I'm really, really tired of being everyone's secret!

[TxMom65]

I don't blame you. I hope they all realize soon that there is nothing to be ashamed of or reason to have to choose one person over the other.

[kune]

Hey shadow riderer
What do you get out of the relationships? Do they give you a sense of self, or make you feel wanted?

I’m not feeling the love. I’m a little tired of being patient and understanding,

Understandable!!!!!
((Hugs)) Noone deserves to be a secret after 18 years.
Ann

[shadow riderer]

So much has happened in the past several months that I can’t even put my thoughts, feelings, or emotions into words. I would try to stop and work through whatever emotion, and then something else would happen, and the only thing that comes up in my head and heart is “I’ve had enough.” It’s not like me to not be able to process what I am feeling or why. All I’ve been able to process is that this has got to stop. I’ve been seriously considering getting some counseling, or finding a support group. I know what I need to do. I need to set boundaries. So, I’m back here on the forum.

The last straw with bio mom: My bio brother graduated from college in May. At the annual Easter family get together, my bio mom made it a point to tell me that my bio brother probably would not send out invitations, but she gave me the date and such so I could come. About a week before the graduation, she had my bio sis call me to let me know that my bio brother could only get 6 tickets. My Bsis told me that bio bro’s Dad, his wife, my bio mom, grandmother, and a couple, who are friends of Bio brother’s Dad, were getting the tickets. Bsis and I would not be able to go. O.k. whatever, but I found out a week after the graduation, that bio brother came up with several more tickets, but bio mom did not call me. She called my aunt and cousin, and gave them the extra tickets. My aunt told me she just assumed that I would be there and had she known, well, water under the bridge, but I was very hurt that no one called me. Turns out bio brother’s dad took everyone out to dinner to celebrate, which explains why I wasn’t included. When I first contacted my bio mom, he told her she should deny me contact. They were divorced at the time I contacted her, and he has never acknowledged me as a part of his children’s lives, which wasn’t a problem for me. It sure has been an issue for my bio brother and bio sis at times, though.

On top of the sting of not getting to see my brother graduate, I find out a few weeks later about another incident, which was the end for me. A friend of my bio mom from her just out of high school days, moved back to the area about a year ago. They had gone on a trip to San Francisco. While in SF, my bio mom calls my aunt one night. She tells her, “You won’t believe what I did.” “I told Joyce that I had another child.” The whole thing upset my aunt, and it didn’t do much for my ego either. This was supposedly one of her very best girlfriends. They were roommates. After a year of being back in each other’s lives, she just now tells her she has more than two children! Like it’s some deep dark secret that will send her “very close” friend screaming in the other direction! I’ve been in her life for 18 years, and this friend has never known about me. Ouch! I’m done. Relationship over, not that I’ve really lost anything. It still hurts. Oh, and that’s not the only time she’s done something like that. She used to tell her friends and coworkers that I was just her friend. I always wondered how she explained the family photos my bsis, bbro, and I would have made for her of the three of us for Christmas. .

In the crazy situation with my bio dad and his crazy wife, I’ve started setting some boundaries where he is concerned. I’m not the one making him choose. I’ve done everything I can think of to try to get along with and be nice to his wife. The harder I tried to be nice and build a relationship with her the more disagreeable and difficult she became, and it’s not getting better. I’m setting some boundaries where she is concerned and he as well. I will not allow her to treat me with disrespect, and I won’t listen to her criticize and bad mouth my Bio dad. My bio dad is a major “people pleaser”. It’s kind of interesting to watch people who can’t set boundaries of their own, and don’t know how to respect boundaries other people set, react when a boundary is enforced. The saddest thing here is that, the way I see it, this is a no win situation for both me and my bio dad. It’s breaking my heart, but I don’t know that any relationship is worth losing my self-respect. I know without a doubt that my bdad loves me and wants a relationship, but his wife is making it impossible for the both of us.

Thanks to all the crap with bio mom and bio dad, the situation with bio sis is a little easier to deal with. It’s time for her to start putting the effort into building a relationship with me, if she wants one. I’ve decided to let that go until she makes the first move. I’m not going to do for her what I’ve done with my Bdad. If we can’t have an open and honest relationship, one in which, no one has to sneak around or lie to someone else, what’s the point?

Sorry about this being so long, but itfeels good to finally get some of this out and into words. I would be interested in any thoughts or opinions anyone has as well. This forum is a life saver. Thank you for your replies. They helped me get this out.

[mom2GRLC]

Are your adoptive family still around? Did you grow up with any siblings? Do you have a good relationship with them?

I'm asking becasue if you did have a solid relationship growing up where you knew you were loved and wanted. Maybe it's time to take a little break from your birthfamily and all that hurt for a bit.

Get in touch with your adoptive family a little more. I think you need to remember how loved and special you are by others in the world. Once your feeling more secure and grounded ....then maybe you'll be ready to handle working on your relationship with your birthfamily some more.

I'm sorry they have been less than excepting of you. It is true...these kinds of relationships are difficult. There are a lot of feelings (especially with the birthmom) burried deep down that may have never been resloved.

I don't think she can truly accept you ...until she accepts herself. That doesn't mean YOUR lacking in any way. It just means that SHE is ready(even after 18 years) to fully feel comfortable with herself and what others may think of her.

Part of being a part of a family is realizing you can't change people. You have to accept them for who they are. I think after 18 years it's pretty obvious that she won't change and you have to just be willing to accept her and the relationship the way it is ....and love them for who they are...and be willing to keep moving foreward....or if that's not something your heart can take...than maybe you need to step back...for your own sake.

There are others in the world that DO love you....your family, friends, co-workers etc etc...I'm SURE you are so special and important to sooo many people. Don't let your birthfamilies actions and reservations affect how you feel about yourself.

I hope your heart finds peace...sometimes stepping back a little helps hurt/angry feelings dissapear and puts things in a clearer perspective.

[snuffie]

I agree that sometimes stepping back, taking a deep breath and figuring out what is the best thing for ourselves is the best thing. By stepping back I mean trying not to go over and over things and keeping so busy doing something that you enjoy that you don't have time to think. Then, later on, after your mind has had a chance to "rest" things might seem totally different or be easier to deal with.

I know it is difficult to hear that our bmoms didn't even tell their best friends! I recently visited my bmoms best friend that she had all over life from kindergarten till she died and this friend never knew about me! It was such a huge secret. It does get so tiresome being a "secret" but that was the norm back in the day.

I, too, hope you find peace. Please remember that our bfamilies are only a portion of our lives. There is much happiness to be found in other relationships in our lives.

Hugs

Snuffie

[kune]

Snuffie wrote.......

I, too, hope you find peace. Please remember that our bfamilies are only a portion of our lives. There is much happiness to be found in other relationships in our lives.

Great advice Snuffie -
Ann

[shadow riderer]

This is the reason I came back here. You guys are right. Time to focus on the positive things in my life. Thanks for everything.