[8cats2kids]

I am a mother to two beautiful girls. One of them joined my family through birth and one joined my family through adoption. In my research of how to parent my children, I realize more and more that there is much more to adoption than just trying to "normalize" it as just another way of making a family. In speaking with different people, doing some reading, and just trying to unravel all the complicated threads in my own head.... I know that the more information I have from various sources, the better off we could be.

I was reading a little bit on the thread entitled, "What are the effects of being an adoptee"...and was wondering if there was anything that their aparents could have done to make their lives easier and help them through some of their issues...or just an understanding that I need to gain...or is it just inevidably work that my child will need to accomplish on her own as part of self discovery?
I was thinking that getting some feedback from adults who had adoption as part of their story might be a great source of information for someone starting out parenting a child with adoption as part of her story.

My daughters are 9yrs and 2yrs...
We are open with them in talking about adoption. We are respectful of her personal story...and still learning how to handle the general public when issues come up. It is a very positive experience for everyone in our family. We have all bonded and attached to each other...We are very open minded individuals with a parenting philosophy of "we are here to help each child grow to their potentials and to give them every opportunity we can to have doors open to them in the future" and to raise them to be "healthy, happy, productive people" - whatever that means to them...

Through most of our adoption process, we have only heard about adoption from the adoptive parents perspective. I would like to learn more about adoption from people who were adopted. ...to give me a little hindsight...

Thanks very much

lisa

[snuffie]

I am an adoptee and I had wonderful adoptive parents. I always knew they loved me very much. I grew up in the "closed" era though and it was difficult for me in that I would feel a sense of guilt if I even thought about looking for my bfamily. I think being open with adoptive children and letting them know that it is OK to "wonder" and later on to search if they want to.

It sounds like you are wonderful parents and I commend you for asking questions that are so important to adoptees.

Snuffie

[jrainbow]

i'm an adult adoptee, one sister adopted, and one.brother born to the family. I also had a closed adoption - so closed in fact that I would have needed my aparents written permission to open any records and search.

You sound like a marvelous mom, just like my aparents. The only advice I have is to treat adoption as just a fact of life - not something to hide or something that you have to think about. Also, know that although you probably forget that one of your daughters is adopted, she will never forget. Hopefully it will be a part of her just like the color of her eyes and the color of her hair.

I know that my search and reunion with my bmother would have hurt my amother. But although my reunion is marvelous, my bmother can't replace my amom. I don't think my amom ever realized that.

[TxMom65]

I'm so glad that you asked this question. I have a daughter that joined our family through adoption and I have wondered the same thing.

[8cats2kids]

Originally Posted by jrainbow

The only advice I have is to treat adoption as just a fact of life - not something to hide or something that you have to think about. Also, know that although you probably forget that one of your daughters is adopted, she will never forget. Hopefully it will be a part of her just like the color of her eyes and the color of her hair.

What a beautiful way of putting it..."part of her like the color of her eyes and the color of her hair." That's just so simple, so natural, and all encompassing.
Thanks for your advice and your clarity.

[8cats2kids]

Originally Posted by snuffie

I am an adoptee and I had wonderful adoptive parents. I always knew they loved me very much. I grew up in the "closed" era though and it was difficult for me in that I would feel a sense of guilt if I even thought about looking for my bfamily. I think being open with adoptive children and letting them know that it is OK to "wonder" and later on to search if they want to.

It sounds like you are wonderful parents and I commend you for asking questions that are so important to adoptees.

Snuffie

I have heard many different schools of thought on how much information about birth family to tell children and at what stages. I am still trying to figure it all out. We are very matter of fact about adoption and I have also found some very wonderful childrens books about adoption that we have bought. We still have physical contact with foster family and we have some one way contact with bfamily right now (from me to them), but there is also some potentially hurtful information about bmom that may prevent positive contact in the future. It's hard to figure out sometimes what might be best for someone else when they grow to be adults.
Thanks very much for your response and very kind words of encouragement.

[cnb1099]

What a great thread! Just to let you know that I am an adoptee who is in reunion with my bmother. She initiated the search. I am also a mom to 2 young boys, 6 and 3. I had wonderful parents who never hesitated to open discussion about my adoption and answered any questions that I had that they had any answers to.

The funny thing is that until I was found being adopted is not anything that I ever brought up to my children (age appropriately of course) until I tried to introduce "MIss J" into their lives. So I too really liked Snuffies response that I will just make it be a part of their lives so that J can just be a natural part of their lives.

You sound like you are doing such an awesome job with your little ones. Just remember to answer the questions honestly and understand if the need comes up to "know more". I know that even 37 years later my parents were worried and scared when J became a part of my life, but I always reminded them that they are my parents, they are what made me who I am!

Best of luck to you, thank you for a very thought provoking thread and for letting me learn something new today!

[MistyAnn22]

I had wonderful adoptive parents. They always were open and honest about my adoption. I don't remember not knowing about it. They said they would practice telling me when I was a baby and kept telling me my adoptive story until it just became part of me. The one thing is that I didn't always feel like my differences were acknowledged. When the doc would ask for family medical info my mom would start rattling off medical info on our family. I would calmly tell the doctor that we didn't know and that I was adopted...My mom would tell me that she forgot. While in some ways this was sweet and let me know I was a part of the family in other ways it minimized my experience as an adoptee. Just my two cents.

[sal]

I think one of the most difficult things that I dealt with as an adoptee was loss and grief...that wasn't ever acknowleged so I never had a chance to work through it when I was younger. I was adopted in the 50's when aparents were told that the baby they were getting was a "clean slate" and they could create what they wanted in their child. That wasn't the truth in my case...I AM my bmother's daughter..which wasn't always ok with my amom...(created alot of friction with the personality clashes) I would recommend reading 20 things adopted kids wish their parents knew..by Sherrie Eldridge ..it gives good insight to some of the common threads that some adoptees have.. I commend you for asking these questions now...rather than waiting for some issues to crop up..sal

[BrockBaby]

I think it is wonderful that you are aware that there are "differences" in having an adopted child. I think that is one of the things I would have liked my aparents to understand. They told me when I was very young that I was adopted, and it was never hidden. But on the flip side, they didn't talk about it either. It was like....you get to know, but we aren't going to see what you feel about it. Even as a VERY small child, before kindergarten, I would think about adoption....and I had questions, but never felt I could ask them. So I shoved them down. My point in telling that, sometimes adoptive parents think that the child isn't interested in discussing it or asking questions, when in reality they are afraid to bring it up. I was afraid of hurting my parents. I was afraid that they would get mad. While inside I was hurting and wondering. I think it's important to bring it up every once in a while, not ALL the time, but when the opportunity arises, and make sure your child knows that she can ask you questions.

And as an adoptee, I can tell you that my wondering and questions never had anything to do with the lack of love I felt, or that my parent's "weren't good enough." It was all about me! Ha...that sounds selfish, but truly it was about me.....where I came from, who birthed me, who loved me first, my medical information, my history....and the neat thing is, in my opinion, is that THAT history doesn't cancel out the history and love I have with my adoptive family...it adds to MY unique history!!! One side doesn't cancel out the other!!!!
Sorry this is soooo long....sometimes I start typing and can't stop!!!!!! I think you are doing a WONDERFUL thing by educating yourself!! You seem to be very aware, and through that, and KNOWING your child, I think you will be more than able to give her what she needs!!!

PS.. I also like Sherri Eldridge books!! Good resource!

[8cats2kids]

Thank you all for your wonderful words of encouragement and for sharing your personal stories with me. I appreciate all of your input very much. I have ordered Serri Eldridges book "20 things adoptive kids wish their adoptive parents knew"... Thanks for the book recommendations....I imagine it will be very enlitening and helpful for all of us. I will read it and then pass it on to all the other adoptive parents I know.....

[8cats2kids]

Correct me if I am wrong, but I am hearing a common thread throughout the responses.... of children who were adopted not feeling that others have accepted that there are differences with being adopted and also accepted that birth family is part of the childs personal identity and overlooking or minimizing that aspect of them has very negative affects.

This website is great...it's becoming much clearer in my head what I need to do as a parent.

It's interesting to me that those are the two issues that I, as an adoptive parent, experience myself when I talk with other parents (that have no adoption expereince). Whenever I bring up adoption, or even make some recognition of the difference, everyone immediately tries to "normalize" it as much as possible. When I talk about her birth family, I can sense their discomfort and desire to change the subject or revert to the theory of "well, she's with you now...". It shuts me down pretty quick.

Thanks for confirming my gut instincts of these issues being important... I know that I need to keep educating the people around me, and keep working at helping her include those aspects of herself into her personal identity.

[BrockBaby]

Lisa,

It is interesting how people "shut us down" because of their comfort level! Why is it that adoption makes so many people uncomfortable. In my opinion, I think part of it is because adoption in the past had been seen as a "secretive" thing. Records were sealed, the issue wasn't discussed, and people could raise an adopted child AS IF it was born to them. So society, as a whole, hasn't caught up with the mind set that we seem to have here. I think that we need to celebrate the differences in adoption!!! The funny thing to me, is that the idea of making it so it doesn't "seem different" is to not make the child feel different. Guess what, i bet most, not all, adoptees will say that they felt different anyway. WE know there is a difference, and the pain, for me, came from not being able to communicate those feelings of being different....and yet feeling them! So i applaud you for YOUR comfort level, for your willingness to open up with your child and dealing with adoption as a whole!!! Your child is blessed for sure!!!

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by 8cats2kids

Thank you all for your wonderful words of encouragement and for sharing your personal stories with me. I appreciate all of your input very much. I have ordered Serri Eldridges book "20 things adoptive kids wish their adoptive parents knew"... Thanks for the book recommendations....I imagine it will be very enlitening and helpful for all of us. I will read it and then pass it on to all the other adoptive parents I know.....

I think its great that you are prepared to go to these lengths to understand your child more. I think what Sal wrote touches a nerve with me:

I AM my bmother's daughter..which wasn't always ok with my amom...(created alot of friction with the personality clashes)

in that my son wasn't told (closed adoption in late 70's) he was adopted until he was 13, and it seems that from then on as he went into adolescence, he clashed with the emotional difference between himself (identical to me) and his amom. They are so different emotionally - I'm heart on my sleeve, so is my son. His adoptive parents hide their emotions, find it hard to talk, that kind of thing.

Since reunion I've very definitely wanted to take on board the feelings of his adoptive mom but he wasn't keen on my contact with them, so for now, its on a backburner. But one thing I would say, which you may find helpful, as I certainly did, is to read the Primal Wound by Nancy Newton Verrier - whilst this is tough reading for any birth mother, I'm not so sure if it would affect an amom the same way? (but then I'm not an amom, so I can't really comment). Pain to one side and thinking of my son, I found this book extremely helpful in the issues that adoption brings to an adoptee and it was not only helpful in my responding to his pain, but to respond in such a way as to take the heat off his amom (hopefully!) as like Sal, the personality clashes and his own personal pain from relinquishment, has meant in his words, arguing with her morning noon and night.

Now I am appreciative that my reunion has been a particularly difficult one, but what I'm trying to say here, is that there was a very poignant part of that book where it suggested that an alert amom may recognise some of the reactions in their adopted child and be able to acknowledge the pain of being parted from their birthmother. I thought that was rather moving. I also thought that any amom that could do that deserves a better relationship than my son relates to me he has not got with his amom. Oh dear this feels as though its getting complicated, but I do so hope you get the gist of what I'm trying to say here!

My son wanted me to know, even though an adult nearing his 30's, his pain and that I cared what he'd been through. I'm not saying this to give you a guilt trip, but having read the book, and having a deep insight into his reactions - I feel it has helped me.

I get the impression that my son was acting out so much, even at his being nearly 30, that the parents hoped he would be happier if he did find me, they were supportive, which was great. Trying to fathom out why he is at war with them is very hard for me and I'm hoping that the next book I've ordered Coming Home To self - the adoptee grows up, may shed some light on what is happening.

However, I was very warmed by your post and you deserve a good outcome, certainly better than what my son's amom seems to have been on the receiving end of. She loves him very much, but he has been a lot to handle and has brought the family much distress. I'm hopeful that such insights can help me mend something along the way.

Warm wishes,

[Peace.]

I agree with many of the posters above (especially Sal). I would like my wonderful aparents to have kept talking to me about the fact that I'm adopted (they told me when I could talk so I always knew, but didn't bring it up during my childhood) this would have lessened the shame I felt about it. Also to acknkowledge the fact that there is a lot of pain in being adopted, rather than to just focus on the "you're so lucky to be here, you could have been brought up in the gutter" type of thought. Comment occassionally that "mabe you get your eyes/nose etc from your b/mom" etc. Ignoring these things made me feel like I landed here from outer space in some ways!! If you are secure in your role as mother and acknowledge that there was another mother before you your child will feel it's OK to bring up the subject when SHE needs to as well.
The fact that you are even here enquiring and reading these posts gives you a head start on the aparents that struggled in the dark ages of the '60s when I was born.
Good luck