[contentwu]

Hello,

My husband has a bchild (girl) that is now 21 years old. My husband and her mother divorced when she was only six months old. My husband relinquished his parental rights because he thought that would be better for her than fighting over her for the next 18 years. The girl was adopted later by her new step dad. My husband has not had any contact with her in all this time (21 years).

We met after his divorce and have now been married almost 20 years. We have an eight year old only child (boy). We have not told the eight year old but will have to soon before someone else does (extended family). My question is should we try to contact the 21 year old at all. Should we tell her about the eight year old? We think our eight year old would benefit from a relationship with her. My husband thinks he would like to contact her but is afraid of disrupting her life, rejection etc.

We know her adoptive name and where she is. We do not know if she knows she is adopted or anything about what her feelings would be about this at all.

What a difficult situation.

[PastorStephanie]

Every story, every expectation, and every adoptee are different. I cannot predict what your husband's bdaughter would want or hope for. It would be extremely helpful to know if she knew she was adopted and that her stepfather is not her bio father... If she knows that she may have questions and desires that would be significantly different than if she doesn't know. Is there any indirect way to determine that piece of the puzzle? Old, mutual friend of your husband and ex-wife? Speaking as an adoptee, myself, I would personally want to know if I were adopted. I could be open to contact in the situation you described... if my bfather approached it gently but I would be UNLIKELY to ever initiate given the circumstances.

In my opinion, telling your son about his sister is important... even if there is not going to be a reunion. Secrets tend to come out eventually. (In my experience, my bmother did not tell my younger bsister about me until she was a teenager. Thus when it finally came out, my bsister was angry and felt lied to her whole life. My older bbrother found out about me from a cousin when he was 12 and that was a huge blow for him as well. Again the secrets and the lies were the main factors.) Honesty is always best, even when it is hard. Children tend to be more gracious about such things then teenagers or adults.

Good luck. I hope that your journey is everything you and your family need it to be!

[maccafan]

I agree with Pastor Stephanie, it would be best if you could find out if your husband's bdaughter knows she's adopted. If she doesn't know, hearing about it from a stranger could be very traumatic and could hurt your husband's chances of getting to know her.
If she does know, I would encourage you both to contact her.

When I first contacted my bfather, I sent him a letter explaining that I didn't want to disrupt his life, but wanted to at least know something about him, and would be open to contact if he was interested. He later told me that that was the perfect way for him to hear from me, it felt very non-threatening. We ended up having a very good relationship, which has lasted over 10 years so far. (His wife has been an important, wonderful part of this, too.)

I wish you both the best of luck! Keep us posted on what happens.

[contentwu]

Maccafan,

How old were you when you contacted your birth father?

[zxczxcasdasd]

If you are not sure that she knows whether she is adopted or not, you might start with a letter from your DH to his ex, just explaining that now that his daughter is grown you would like to extend the invitation to her to meet or to communicate if she is willing. You could say that you bear them no ill will, do not wish to do anything but just let her know that she is welcome in your lives if she wishes to be, you hope to hear from them and from her, and you are writing to them first just in case she hasn't been told she is adopted so that neither they nor she will be caught off guard when you contact her.

That way, if they need to have a conversation with they have a chance, but you are still making it clear that since she is an adult, you will be contacting her directly as well.

You could send a letter to the daughter maybe a month or so after the letter to her parents, which gives them all a little time to emotionally process some things and hopefully respond.

Just a thought.

Keep us updated.

[maccafan]

Contentwu - I was 28 when I contacted my birthfather. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk "offline."