[SuddenlySusan]

I understand that each reunion situation is unique, especially with closed adoptions. From what I've read so far, though, it seems that perhaps bdaughters are more okay with a "mom" relationship with their bmoms, but bsons prefer a "friend" relationship with their bmoms. What has your experience been?

(This was posted on the birth mother support forum as well.)

Just trying to sort it all out...

Peace,
Susan
(In Reunion with Bson)

[PastorStephanie]

I am a birthdaughter in relationship with my bmom. Our relationship is a mother/daughter relationship. Which is certianly the way we both want it!

My older abrother is in reunion with his bmother. Their relationship is much more distant. They've been in reunion for several years now but are still very much in the foundational stages of casual friendship. My abrother seems content with that... his bmom seems to want more.

My younger abrother is not in reunion. His bmom has requested contact. He has rejected. He gave me permission to contact her and give her some limited info and then to close that door on his behalf... mostly because I begged him not to do nothing... which was his plan, even after she contacted him several times.

[irisheyes33]

I am a birthdaughter who has been in reunion with my birthmom for almost two years. We are extraordinarily close, but I wouldn't define our relationship as exactly mother/daughter. We are definitely more than friends, almost like sisters...it is very much a "love" relationship. My birthmom is just as important to me as my adoptive mom, but they both fulfill very different roles in my life.

Personally, I can't imagine trying to maintain a "casual" relationship with my birthmom...there is just far too much emotional stuff there for me. But it seems like a lot of men are wired differently.

[SuddenlySusan]

PastorStephanie... Are your brothers close to your amom? Do you think there is a loyalty issue?

IrishEyes... I tend to think that men are wired differently, also. Sometimes I see close relationships between mother/son, but more often between mother/daughter.

Susan

[cnb1099]

I am fairly new in reunion (about a year) and although we are not at a mother/daughter point in our relationship, we are not exactly friends either. Kinf of like in the "still feeling each other out phase". But I have to agree with Irish that I do not see us as having that same bond I have with my amom.

[Jan18]

I have been in reunion with my mom for about a year and a half. I have to agree with the previous poster who said that it is more like a sister releationship. We don't have the same mother/daughter relationship that I have with my amom. My bmom understands that, but at times, she does do mother like thinks to me. It doesn't bother me when she does that. She offers motherly advice at times, and will correct my behavior as a mother would. Sometimes it is like I am 12 instead of 34!

I just spent five days alone with her. My two sisters were there, but my bmom and I spent a lot of time alone just chatting and catching up on where we have been and what our lives have been like apart.

I couldn't have a causual relationship with her either. It took us a while to get to the point in our relationship that we are at now. She told me she loved me for the first time when we had to say good bye at the end of our trip. It was the greatest thing to hear her say those words to me. I know she has wanted to say it for a long time, but hesitated!

Hopefully in time your son will open up more. It takes a lot for all members of the adoption triad to open up!

Good luck to you in your reunion!

[PastorStephanie]

Originally Posted by SuddenlySusan

PastorStephanie... Are your brothers close to your amom? Do you think there is a loyalty issue? Susan

Well, I wouldn't say that my brothers are super close to my amom either. I would classify them more as unemotional in the typical guys aren't as intimate relationally as women sterotype. My oldest abrother is quiet and withdrawn, by personality. He isn't emotional or intense about anything. He is peace-loving and laid back about everything in life.

My younger abrother is explosively emotional about some things. His non-interest in his bmom is one of those things. He has stated as clear as day from the time he was 10 that he doesn't want a relationship with her and can't understand why anyone would think he would. He is a black and white thinker. He does express loyalty to my amom in the form of "She raised me. That's all the family I need" sentiment. Yet he and my amom fight alot and general have a frustrated with one another untone to their relationship. He has other emotional issues.

This is of course, only how things happened in my brothers' lives. I have no idea if this is typical or unusual. I hope that your reunion with you bson is everything you both want and need it to be!

[Ghettopops]

I have a "Casual" relationship with bMom, we have been reunion for 12-13 yrs. It has mostly been me that has been on and off. Thing is that everytime we hook up it's like we were never apart weird huh. I do not speak with my afamily, besides 1 sister. I actually just spoke to my bmom today about "US" and asked her to think about readopting me. She started crying and said she's always wanted that. It is just the fact she is willing that fills in part of that gap.

[SuddenlySusan]

Originally Posted by Ghettopops

...I actually just spoke to my bmom today about "US" and asked her to think about readopting me. She started crying and said she's always wanted that. It is just the fact she is willing that fills in part of that gap.

... would be to do exactly that. I'm sure bson would run away screaming if he ever knew, though.

Thanks for sharing that with me, Ghettopops.

Susan

[PastorStephanie]

Originally Posted by Ghettopops

I actually just spoke to my bmom today about "US" and asked her to think about readopting me. She started crying and said she's always wanted that. It is just the fact she is willing that fills in part of that gap.

What does "readoption" entale? I have never heard that before?

[Ghettopops]

Well my understanding is basically that my afamily adopted me making afather and amother and asiblings my afamily. From what I have read I sign papers she signs papers and as far as the government is concerned she is now my new mom. For me it is a way to help undo the abandoment issues I have. Basically when I say readopt I am just saying I have been adopted once.

[SuddenlySusan]

State laws may vary, but in Washington the RCW (Revised Code of Washington) states that basically anybody can adopt anybody, over the age of 14, with the adoptee's consent. It still has to go before the judge. There is someone on the board here who was "readopted" as an adult by her bfather after her stepfather had adopted her as a child.

I would sooo love to do that!

Susan

[PastorStephanie]

Ghettopops & Susan, thanks for the info! That is mind blowing... I did not know that was possible. Very interesting. I can see how such a process could be very healing. I hope that you each recieve the healing you long for!

[maccafan]

I have been reunited with my bmom for almost 19 years. I call her "Mom" and have a mother-daughter relationship with her. My half-siblings and I relate as brothers and sisters, we don't refer to each other as "half" anything. (They were between the ages of 5 and 14 when we first met, and I was 21.) Still, I'm closest to the brother I grew up with, which I think makes sense. My relationship with my amom is pretty much nonexistent, but it has nothing to do with my being adopted. Even though I don't talk to her, I still think of her as "Mommy."

I've been reunited with my bdad for over 11 years. I call him by his first name, and we are more friends than anything else, but it's been getting more father-daughter over the years. I don't really try to put a label on what it is. I consider my adad "Dad" and have a very good relationship with him. Fortunately, both of my "dads" like each other!

This is just my situation. I think everyone is different, every relationship is different. And no one can take the place of anyone else.

[SadMother]

I don't come here very often so missed the post on birthmother support.

With my son it was very important that I acknowledged to him that I was his mother and he was my son. This came up early in reunion and on the telephone and I had no problem with this. Although I can't have the "normal" mother/son relationship with him as I didn't raise him on the other hand our relationship is different to a "just friends" relationship. I suppose it's somewhere in between and we are making our own memories. He has told me that if he has children I will be either Nana ******** or Granny ******** which lefted me feeling a bit choked in a nice way.

However I have a friend who has been in reunion with her son for a few months less than I have been with my son. Their relationship is completely different and they are more like casual aquaintances. Beyond wanting medical info which has given to him she really doesn't know what he wants from her.