[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by SuddenlySusan

I understand that each reunion situation is unique, especially with closed adoptions. From what I've read so far, though, it seems that perhaps bdaughters are more okay with a "mom" relationship with their bmoms, but bsons prefer a "friend" relationship with their bmoms. What has your experience been?

Susan
(In Reunion with Bson)

Hi Susan,
I've had a particularly rough ride with my bson since reunion 15 months ago. Its calming down a bit now, but my counsellor who herself is a bmom in reunion (17 years) has had about 20 years experience in counselling all members of the triad and she told me that in her experience, out of the two (i.e daughters/sons), sons tend to beat up (emotionally) their bmothers something chronic.

Hope that gives some indication in response to your question as to what's going on.

I've also read that the permanence of the amom stands in good stead over any relationship with the bmom. Whilst my son and I have an amazing connection, he's not in any hurry to meet me again, not ready for it. At times I feel he treats me more like a "mate", but the yearning for me to be his mom is definitely there, but the years of being apart means that it will take a long long time in our case before it can take off, if ever. I'm not feeling that confident that we will ever be "mother and son" in the true sense of it, but I feel I mirror him and he's finding his identity and that may just be that. Perhaps I will end up being someone at the end of a phone/email and I have no idea to be honest where this is going to go. I almost feel that when's had enough/argued with his aparents that he comes to me. The need has been satisfied to find me and find out who he is. Anything else is a bonus.

After finding him in such a poor emotional state when he searched and we were reunited, he's nowhere near ready for a second time. Yeh, everyone is different in their reunions, but I have to admit to getting depressed when I see others meeting up more times. But Kune encouraged me to look at the many years ahead and that the most successful reunions are those that take their time, time to adjust, etc. I still think that is good advice.

[SuddenlySusan]

Hi Jannyroo,

Thanks for the post. I posed the original question almost four months ago -- where does the time go? Bson and I have a weekly email exchange, and in a letter early on he asked how he should address me in his letters -- "Mom" or "Susan." I told him if he was ready to call me mom, then I was ready to hear it. Evidently, he wasn't and isn't ready. I gave him a bunch of choices on how to address me, generally nicknames that my close friends use. I also sign off my letters with a nickname (along the lines of "JR" or "CC" or "PJ", that sort of thing) and told him that I thought my formal name was a bit, well, formal.

The weird thing is that he has never called me *anything* in his letters. The letters just start without a greeting. Sometimes in the subject line there is a "Hello, there." Other than that, he hasn't written my name at all...until his email last week when he, myself, and a couple other bfamily members were trying to decide on times for our first F2F.

We started doing a group email because people's schedules were getting confusing, so we all wanted to be on the same page. He referenced me by my proper first name, in a third person kind of way.

I was sad to see my proper name written out.
I think I like "hello, there" better...

I know, I know... I shouldn't be whining about this, but sometimes I feel like I'm slipping back into the shadows... kwim?

Peace,
Susan
(aka "hello there")

[quantum]

Susan,
I get the same kind of thing from my bson!
He addresses emails like 'Hey'
I guess it hasn't really bothered me so much, sometimes he refers to me as 'mom' as in 'I wouldn't want my mom to think...' meaning me. Which thrills me, but isn't that often.
I'd be upset if he used my whole formal first name and not my nickname, which is what I sign emails/letters with.

Unfortunately he seems super super busy right now, so I don't get referred to as anything at all. :-(
Hopefully when school starts and he has more of a schedule?

I forget, how old is your son?

Take care!

[SuddenlySusan]

Hi, Quantum...
My bson is 36 now. He did say when we first started writing that he was glad we found each other now, rather than when he was younger...he said he was pretty much absorbed in himself and his friends then.

I'm looking forward to our F2F ... maybe things will become a little more relaxed then.

Peace,
Susan

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by SuddenlySusan

Hi Jannyroo,

in a letter early on he asked how he should address me in his letters -- "Mom" or "Susan." I told him if he was ready to call me mom, then I was ready to hear it. Evidently, he wasn't and isn't ready.

Peace,
Susan
(aka "hello there")

Oh Susan, oh dear!!! I'd better not say 'hello there' for sure huh?!!! Oh these birth sons of ours, don't they just at times drive us mad???? I've had emails like you describe, and I wonder how they would feel if we kept calling them by... nothing. It just goes to show how complex the whole thing is. He sounds as though he's still struggling to come to terms with you in his life.

Whilst my son has called me mom right from the start - I don't always get mail saying "mom" and like you I'm confused, and whilst others meet up pretty quickly after the first F2F, he isn't ready to see me for a second time - and I dont envisage he will be for a great deal of time to come! Others see theirs several times almost straight after reunion and that hurts. Oh the up's and down's of reunion!!! I've been told though by those who know, that the slower the steps are taken, the more successful an outcome is likely to be.

Like you say, how nice it would be to called "mom" but it depends on a lot of things, it could be how disloyal they think they are being to their amom, or how secure they do or don't feel at this time. As every person has a totally individual response, its impossible to gauge when things will change, but the fact you said either or and he chose ..neither, shows he feels in a bit of a predicament. His feelings haven't caught up with his head. In one breath he asks you what you want to be called and when you actually tell him, he backs off!!! How frustrating for you!!!

Another post I've read illustrates something similar in that it shows how emotions can depth charge and put us off course even in something one would think as simple as what to call your bmom. A bmom when found by her daughter told her that she could ask anything. So she did, it was quite a deep question so early on in the reunion, but the bmom hasn't replied yet after some weeks. So, it just goes to show, be careful what you ask for, you may get it and are we ready for it when it comes?????!!!!

My son has driven me absolutely daft in the head but for different reasons and we hang on in there. Susan, you are doing a grand job of hanging on in there, I send my commiserations. As you say, it may seem trite, but it absolutely isn't, it means so much to us to be called "mom" but for some adoptees, it just may not come, well not just yet. The fact is he ASKED you what you'd like to be called, so there is some hope in there I think. It probably feels so weird calling you mom after so many years of you not being in his life. I know my son still gets emotionally fatigued after the end of a phone call to me, it can take him a while to recover - thats how strong the emotions are in reunion. There's absolutely nothing normal about trying to be mother and son after (in my case) 29 years apart, so it IS hard. I guess we have to be grateful for what we do get. My counsellor has told me that I have to go at my sons pace, not the pace I would like to set. I think as bmoms, we are always ahead of our sons as to what we are ready for.

However, it doesn't sound as though you have had your first F2F yet, and THAT is a nerve wracking time. Just a tip - you may wish to send your son a video of yourself just to break the ice. It did wonders with my son, as he was a wreck just contemplating seeing me for the first time. It broke the ice and he was looking forward to seeing me. We met, It was great, then he went to pieces afterwards (!!!!) and its taken us all this time (15 months) to build up some sort of relationship. Step by step. Its been slow, but we're getting there. So will you, hang on in there.

Sending you some ((((hugs)))) Jannyroo

[Jannyroo]

Originally Posted by SuddenlySusan

Hi Jannyroo,

in a letter early on he asked how he should address me in his letters -- "Mom" or "Susan." I told him if he was ready to call me mom, then I was ready to hear it. Evidently, he wasn't and isn't ready.

Peace,
Susan
(aka "hello there")

Problems on the website - I didn't think my reply had been accepted even, so this is duplicated. I've deleted the text by editing. So I'll send some more ((((Hugs)))) instead!!!

[SuddenlySusan]

Sometimes I think when bson asked the "what should I call you" question, that I should have been more direct and honest: "Why, I'd LOVE for you to call me mom!" But, I didn't want him to feel pressured. Probably just as well, because he hasn't opted for that, yet.

As time has passed, though, I am beginning to feel more comfortable and I think he is, too. The irony: my bson is more chatty and forthcoming than the son I raised.

I like the idea of the video, and was thinking about doing just that. Plans for our f2f in October have changed, however, and it looks like DH and I will be starting our cross-country journey to meet bson & his family (wife & children) in about 8 days...

I'm going to start another thread, seeking advice... I can hardly believe it's happening!!!

Thanks for the hugs, and the extra hugs!

Peace,
Susan
(bmom in reunion)

[dominoangelo]

I discovered that I had a birth sister who was adopted into another family. I discovered her at the same time that I discovered our birth mother and began attempts at a relationship.
Our birth mother was mentally ill. My sister managed to maintain a semblance of relationship with her while I was reluctant. They lived in the same city and would make plans to see other on a regular basis. I lived in another state and virtually ceased all contact until January of this year.
I likened my sister's relationship to the fact that she was a girl and therefore much more able to connect with our mother.
I had large guilt issues around having a relationship with my b-mother because I am close with my a-mother and an only child.
My bmother died in May and I am struggling to establish and maintain contact with her side of the family before it is too late.

[dominoangelo]

I have a birth brother from my birthmother's side who was adopted into a different family at age 7.
Our b-brother's adoption was open because it occurred when he was an older child.
Our birthmother visited him often while he was in foster care. He was adopted into a family who knew his foster parents and was raised very close to our birthmother.
When he reached age 18, he was able to meet our birthmother and maintained a consistent relationship with her until she died 4 months ago.

A short time ago, he legally changed his last name to the one of our birthmother.
He feels a strong kinship with our birthfamily, i.e, our mother's brother, his wife and daughter.
They are a very established Sicilian family whose roots go deep and back as far as 4 generations in the community.

Our birth uncle was a very successful criminal attorney and served as the district attorney at one time as well as an active member on the steering committee for several community festivals.

Our mother was schizophrenic and could not care for us.
My sister and I reunited a couple years before we connected with our brother. Because he is 7 years younger and has no idea who his birthfather is, he feels dejected.
Our mother died a few months ago, just as I was beginning to establish regular contact with her after years of none.
All three siblings attended the funeral. My sister and I felt outnumbered and intimidated by the ease and familiarity that our brother shared with the other members of the family.
Our uncle, the family patriarch stonewalled us when we inquired about tidbits of information.
I am curious about my brother's drastic choice to change his name to the one of our mother.
When I was at the funeral, I met friends of the family who addressed me by the name I would have had without adoption.
Hearing the name felt odd and indicated evidence myself at birth as if he existed as a real life person in the present.
My sister also introduced herself with the name our mother gave us. She has admitted to hating the name in the past. It was odd to hear her speak the name as well.
I struggle with the duality of my pre/post adoption identity.
I know for certain that there is no possible way that our mother could have raised us as her own. I have explored every scenario in my head and am adamantly convinced that there is no way she could have raised us.