[Dobie]

Alright, after some thought I realize I need some advice from someone that might be able to relate to me, and so here I am... My adopted family treats me awful... and once they found out that I found my birth mom (Met for the first time yesterday in fact, my story is elsewhere in the forums if you're interested) they threw a fit. They told me that My daughter only has them as family and her father's as well of course, but that "That WOMAN is NOT your family, WE are, and that WOMAN is NOT Mackenzie's grandmother and HER children are NOT related to her in ANY way, don't EVER forget that" but... well, my real mom and half siblings are so much like me, so open minded and big hearted, I can't help but feel like I found where I fit in after 23 years of being nithing but an inconvienence to my adoptd family. My aparents biological daughters could give 2 flips about me, never call or write or visit, claim they don't have time, but my bio mom's children are so excited to have me in their lives now its incredible to be welcomed with open arms after only JUSt meeting them for the first time. It feels so RIGHT. I just don't know... if I embrace them as family, my adopted family will be so angry at me and feel betrayed, but if I don't then I'm not being true to my heart. I already LOVE them. The word MOM slipped but I let it because she IS my mom... I just don't know how to handle the anger and resentment and bitterness my adopted family is showing towards both me and my biological family. It breaks my heart. I never felt right with them, they hurt me both physically and mentally, but I finally feel whole... I just feel a little lost. Any advice, kind words, anything would be appreciated. I need to hear it from someone that might understand... This site has helped me so much, I know someone out there might know what I'm feeling... maybe...
~Jamie

[SchmennaLeigh]

You are now an adult. You do not need the approval of family-x to associate with family-y. If your (adoptive) family cannot treat you with respect regarding the realtionship you wish to have with your other (birth) family, then you can tell them not to ask about it or simply respect it.

This is YOUR life. Live it.

[Sniffles]

I fully agree with Jenna. Your are an adult and it is your life, live it the way you want to.

IMHO if my a-mom treated me like that I would not want to be around her even though I love her. She would be considered toxic in my book. In fact, I try to stay away from my a-brother due to his behavior. Do I still love him, yes, but I do not want someone with his attitude around my children.

[txleanne]

Jenna you just told my story right down to "That woman"! I have struggled with the very delicate balancing act of being true to myself without disrespecting my afamily. The problem is they don't seem to have the same respect for me. I have the same feelings of belonging and family with my bsiblings who have shown me what real unconditional love is. I feel like my life with my afamily is wraught with conditions. The biggest being my birth history, bfamily and allthings that related are never to be spoken of, You are ours and BELONG to us. WHAT??? I have made myself crazy over this situation to the point that I am not very present in my afamily's life and right now that has to be ok.

[bromanchik]

Some people hold so tightly to a relationship they kill it by suffocation. It sounds to me as if your adoptive family is going down that road.

[alphagal]

Sounds like your family is threatened by your new relationship.
Do you have to tell them what you are doing? If it's not going to be a positive conversation, then don't feel the need to tell them anything.
I didn't tell my amom about my reunion for a few months. They were supportive (she gave me bparents names), but I also know she probably could not handle the situation. I told her when I was ready.

[mountainflowers]

the thing that has helped my a.family is a book I gave them to read. 20 things adoptees wished their adoptiveparents knew. before the book there were feelings of insecurity and jealousy. they still struggle, but are at least understanding. my experience was different with my a.family, because we have a great relationship and can have open and honest conversations. they are hurt, but they are dealing with it now that they understand how i feel. it is fun to be welcomed with open arms and that instant connection was not at all what i expected. mine is with my b.father. i have been trying to find information about the b.father but everything out there (book wise) is about the b.mom.

[irisheyes33]

Dobie, Jenna is right. This is YOUR life...you are an adult...you deserve to be treated with respect.

I also have aparents who are not happy about my reunion. However, I am lucky that they don't actively oppose it - they just stay quiet and we don't discuss it at all. It's not an ideal situation, but it sorta works. Try not discussing your reunion at all with your adopted family members and see if that helps. Don't let them make you feel guilty about spending time with people that love and respect you.