[klinger39]

My adoptive parents are so unsupportive of me in relationships I can't stand it!

Background: My parents got married in their mid-30's and found they couldn't conceive, so I was adopted as an infant 2 years later, and wound up being an only child. Looking back at my childhood, I basically grew up in a home where there was never any love or affection shown. It was the stereotypical "momma didn't hug me" upbringing.

I never heard either of my parents call each other "sweetie" or "darling", it was always "Joseph" and "Elaine." Never, ever did they hold hands with each other or basically even touch each other.

I just don't get it. They're retired now, and they're still married after 40-plus years. They basically never do anything together outside the home and seem to have absolutely nothing in common. They live across the country from me so a weekly (or so) phone call is about the only contact I have with them.

But, anyway, on to my problem with them. I'm a 39yo male and pretty "relationship impaired." Probably because of the lousy environment I was raised in, but that's for another post. I've been married and divorced twice, and have been in at least another 10 relationships that have come to similar ends but without the lawyers being involved. I have no children.

Whenever I'm dating someone new or go through a breakup, I do what most people I think would naturally do: I tell my parents about it. However I just can't do it anymore.

Last year I had a 3-year LTR end. We just "weren't working" anymore and she left me, saying she needed to be alone and not in a relationship for a while. She had gone basically straight from a 10-year marriage into our relationship, so I took that at face value.

Called the folks and told them: It's over, she left. They ask why? I tell them. My dad pipes up, right away, with: "Well, that's probably not really why. She probably met someone else and just doesn't want to tell you." Gee, thanks Dad...

Then a few months ago I'm dating someone and it seems like it could become serious, so I tell the folks. I tell them that she's a real classy lady, someone unlike the last 3 or 4 girlfriends I've had. Someone who likes fine dining and good wine and the theater. A far cry from the NASCAR-loving previous girlfriend. I'm excited, and looking forward to starting something new with someone a little more "upscale."

Immediately, instead of a "good for you" or "she sounds really nice," this is what I get from my mom: "Well, she sounds really 'high-maintenance.' Don't be letting her make you spend all of your money on her..." Gee, thanks mom...

Fast forward a couple of months, and I've gotten a Dear John e-mail from the upscale gal. She says she doesn't have time for a relationship now because she needs to devote all of her weekends (the only times we saw each other over the several months we dated) to spending quality time with her children. They are 7 and 8 and starting to have behavioral problems at school, and she thinks they need more time with mom, and less time with babysitters, on the weekends. I take it at face value.

Talk to the folks: How's it going with your new girlfriend? It's over, she needed to spend weekends being a parent, blah, blah... Right away from dad: "That's probably not really why..." and from mom: "Well, she wasn't any good for you anyway, she was all into 'the finer things' and you're not some rich guy. You're better off..."

Je$u$!!! I'd had enough. I went off! I asked them why in the heck they couldn't just be good, supportive parents and say things like: "Well, it's good to hear you're dating someone new and we hope you have a good time and that it works out" when I'm starting something up. And when the inevitable breakup happens, simply say to me: "Well, we're sorry it didn't work out. We wish you luck in finding someone new."

They totally didn't get it. Had no clue at all that their lack of support and the things that they say hurt. They got all defensive and said things like "We don't know what you're talking about" and "We ARE supportive and only want what's best for you." I was more frustrated and angry after the confrontation than before it!

So I've decided that I'm never going to tell them anything about my personal relationships ever again. When I talk to them, it will never be about what's going on in my life dating-wise. "Weather, work and who won the game" is going to be my mantra when talking to my folks from now on.

But inevitably they'll ask: "Dating anyone?" What do I say? I'm thinking I'll just give a simple "No, not right now," or say "I've gone out on a few dates lately, but nothing serious..." I don't want to have to deal with their negativity anymore. But at the same time, I don't want them to feel like I'm shutting them out of my life (even though I am to a point) because they're in their 70's now and probably won't be around all that many more years, and I still have something of a desire to be a "good son."

Any and all suggestions appreciated!

[healingfeeling]

i think you probably hit the nail on the head....don't tell them anything that you don't want to hear their twisted responses too....i do that with people all the time...lol....

i know its hard NOT to tell your parents things that are heavily on your mind ie, a new relationship or recent breakup...however you know how they react to things and the only thing you can control is a) how you react back or b) what you tell them in the first place.

[zxczxcasdasd]

First, if this has been a longterm loveless marriage, it will be hard for them to have a positive perspective on relationships. They are relating from their own experience and may be subconsciously discouraging you from serious relationships.

Second, some people just know how to see the negative in any situation. If you're looking for the negative you'll see it. If they see it, they feel "responsible" to warn you about it.

Third, it's a common misconception that diminishing the thing recently lost ("it wasn't that good anyway") will make someone feel better about having lost it.

It doesn't sound like your parents are malicious. It seems more like they are probably ever-so-slightly bitter about romance, well-meaning people that just lack insight and sensitivity. Therefore, their attempts to say things they think they should as your parents, actually make you feel worse. It's a common malady, unfortunately.

There is a certain person, that I think I've learned my lesson about taking to about certain things. But every now and then, I feel all generous and optimistic and do it again, and what do you know? The same thing happens every time! I can have a great loving relationship with this person, but I just need to keep certain things to myself. I never advocate lying. But you can learn the art of truthful one-word responses and smooth subject-changing to avoid that.