[Britt42]

Has anyone else been adopted and then your adoptive parents had a child of their own and they show favoritism for that child? How do you deal with it? I could deal with it if it was in the past, but it still goes on to this day. I was told by my amom that she wants me to be the executor for her will, but she is leaving everything to her REAL son. I can do all the work and he can have everything. When I told her he needs to take care of it himself, she just couldn't understand it and said, "But he wants YOU to do it." I mean I guess I understand them wanting to leave everything to their natural son, but then to throw it in my face. Did anyone else grow up with this kind of dysfunction? Would this bother anyone else, or is it just me?

[ripples]

Hi Britt42,
What you described would bother the living daylights out of me.

I'm sure that the favoritism by parents regarding their children in non-adoptive families has similar dynamics and complexities if one child gets all the money and the other one gets none. Regardless of the adoptee/non-adoptee status, I just don't think it's fair that one child gets everything while the other one gets zilch except a lot of work. What I think is different with the adoptive child vs. non-adoptive child in this case is the reinforcement of feelings in the adoptive child that we really don't belong - and that would really hurt.

I wish you all the best in sorting this situation out.

Yours,
Ripples

[BrennaMiriam]

I have te same feeling,read this link if you'de like:
Adopted but my siblings are not...

[cnb1099]

The above link is my original thread. I would just like to point out, and not being disrepectful to Brenna, that this thread is about how I felt different with my siblings. It was never about my parents making me feel different. Quite to the contrary, my parents treated us all equally. They were always open and willing to discuss my adoption and any issues that I might have with such. My issue was the fact that although I love my brother and sister immensely and I know that they love and respect me, there was always a feeling of being "different" from them. That they had a special bond that I could not grasp and I still feel that it is rooted somewhere in my adoption issue.

Britt- My heart goes out to you and like Ripples stated I do hope that you find a way to heal.

Blessings,

cnb

[BrennaMiriam]

Didn't notice,was just trying to help

[cnb1099]

Brenna- I totally understand...I just wanted to make sure that the OP understood that it was sort of on the same line but with my siblings and not my parents!

[babygirlCA]

Originally Posted by Britt42

Has anyone else been adopted and then your adoptive parents had a child of their own and they show favoritism for that child?

This happened to me! My amom made it her mission to make sure I knew that my sister (bio daughter) was better than me...this was done long before I ever knew that I was adopted...as a child I just thought she didn't like me because I was bad!

Originally Posted by Britt42

How do you deal with it?

At 11 I was suicidal. Once I was removed from afamily and placed into foster care...I never went back to live with them. So I don't have to deal with it on an adult level as you are doing now.

Originally Posted by Britt42

Would this bother anyone else, or is it just me?

This so bothers me! I would love to hear your aparents defense to favortism accusations!!! Could there even be a defense?

[amyshaw]

Just found this thread, and I'm soooo glad I'm not the only adoptee who saw the favortism swing towards the "real" child. My amom was told she couldn't have kids, so they adopt me. 15 months later they had my brother. This happens quite often, from what I gather. Anyway, my brother was always 'mama's boy' and I was 'daddy's girl.' Dad loved me unconditionally, but I was never good enough for mom. This even went to the extent that she bought him his first 3 cars, while I had to not only buy mine, but also pay for the insurance and all repairs. I got a job as a waitress when I was 15, and had to buy all my own school clothes and supplies after that, right down to the pencils and paper. He finally got a part-time job when he was 19. You'd think I'd be resentful (and I probably am), but the whole experience has made me a stronger person. Now that a-dad has passed away, a-mom is making more of an effort, but I get the feeling she's only doing it because that's what my dad would have wanted. I guess it's better than nothing! Maybe that's why I'm so driven to find my b-mom, because I never really had a mom.

[BrennaMiriam]

Big big hugs and understanding to you girls.

xxxx

[Britt42]

What I think is different with the adoptive child vs. non-adoptive child in this case is the reinforcement of feelings in the adoptive child that we really don't belong - and that would really hurt.

Exactly, it has absolutely nothing to do with money.It's just the point of it. It's like someone saying you're not good enough and have no feelings. I couldn't imagine doing that to my own kids.This is just typical of my whole life, I don't know why I was surprised. I guess it's really all about self esteem, I don't know. I guess I put up with this, because I feel I owe them something for taking me in. Well anyways, thanks everyone for responding, I really appreciate it.

[teranga]

I'm sorry to butt in on this thread. If you don't feel comfortable answering my question, I will totally understand. I am just wondering what I, as an a-parent can do, to help my adopted child not feel what you are feeling....I had my 2 bio children first, and so adopted only b/c we really wanted to, not for infertility reasons or anything, but I do worry about my son (our youngest)...Any time I do something differently with him, b/c I have learned from mistakes w/my daughters or something, I worry he'll look back on it like I was favoring my girls. I am somewhat obsessed with it...

Especially for those of you whose parents did treat you the same, but you still felt different, is there anything at all a parent could do to help with this??

If anyone could answer, I would love to learn from you so as not to make my darling son's life more difficult than it has to be! If youd prefer to keep this a conversation w/o a-parents, I'll tunderstand.

Thank you,
Teranga

[zxczxcasdasd]

I am SO sorry. I happen to have one adopted son and one bio son and I cannot even fathom being so heartless and cruel. Cannot even comprehend. Blows my mind. I have TWO sons and they BOTH have my whole heart and I'd give my last dime and my last breath for either one of them, period.

But I sadly have to admit that I have seen this in other families. A guy I went on a couple dates with in high school was adopted and then they'd had a bio son and the favoritism to the bio son was heartwrenching and appalling. I hope hope hope that this is the EXCEPTION.

I am really sorry for you. You should absolutely refuse to be the executor of a will that's directly cruel to you. What are they thinking??

[mom2justynsarah]

I always get extremely disturbed when I read about these stories. I have a son conceived through the miracle of IVF. He is now 8 years old. I also have a daughter who was brought into our lives through the miracle of domestic open adoption. She is now 2 years old.

I can't imagine NOT thinking of my daughter as my REAL daughter. The same goes for my son. Yes, I physically gave birth to him. But they are BOTH MY REAL children.

It also gets to me when people ask about my daughter's REAL mom. When I correct them by saying "birth mom", they kinda roll their eyes and say "Well, you know what I mean."



To think of my daughter any differently than my son or vice versa makes me want to rip my soul out. I just can't fathom..

[TaraL]

Although we did not come to adoption due to fertility issues (at least none that we know of) we have decided not have any bio children in fear that our daughter would feel this way. I guess that sounds crazy because we would NEVER treat her differently but we decided that if we aren't able to adopt again (but we probably will) then we wouldn't have any other children.

To put another spin on this I always worried that if I had a child biologically I would treat my adopted child better because in my eyes adoption is my ultimate bond. My dad adopted me (through a step parent adoption) and the bond is incredible.

Its sad but I think this happens in alot of families even if both children are bio or both are adopted. My MIL treats my dh terrible and my BIL like gold. When he got married he got a card full of money, when we got married a few months earlier we got an empty card. When he bought a house they gave him $50,000 toward it. When we decided to adopt they said they couldn't help but then pointed out that they helped my BIL because "A house in such an important investment." Huh? Oh the list goes no.

Anyway, sorry for babbling (the China board is use to it). My heart goes out to you as a parents should love each of their children the same and with all that they have.

[Kindreds]

I don't necessarily find this heartless or cruel - I makes me believe your amother has a dementia of some sort. It would seem that is would be nearly impossible for a mother to leave everthing to their bio child and then ask the adopted child to be the administrator. Are their any afamily members that you could go to? This clearly smacks of some kind of dementia.