[lanie777]

Long story short...I located my son who was 21 year old at the time. Only when I found him I learned he had a history of violent behavior with his adoptive parents and he was completing drug treatment. His adoptive family had at times been abusive and they on a regular basis as well were violent to him. He had never bonded with the adoptive parents and they had never figured out how to raise a child they repeatedly medicated him when he didn't behave like they thought he should.

The adoptive parents refused to have him move back home with them. I believe we were brought back into each others life for a reason and wanted a chance to work on a relationship with him. Fearing also he would have no place to go I have taken him in. I love my son with all my heart but it is a constant struggle to know how to deal with all he has been through. We are going to couseling to help us adjust to the situation but neither of us can afford the high cost to go more then every other week.

I just need to know if anyone else has gone through these struggles. If so are there any words of wisdom to help me find direction here.

[RavenSong]

Hi, Lanie, and welcome to the forums!! You'll find a great group of people here from all sides of the adoption triad.

Yep, I've been exactly where you are. It sounds like your son and mine could easily be twins. I reunited with my son when he turned 18 years old. He had not been allowed to live in the parental home since he was 14 y/o, residing in group homes and psychiatric wards. There was also some physical and emotional abuse in his adoptive home while he was growing up.

I discovered pretty quickly that he was addicted to crystal methamphetamine. And I put him into rehab several times, as well as letting him live with me. His parents were at their wits' end about what to do with him, and they encouraged him to turn to me for help. I had to learn how to be the mother of an 18-year-old very quickly. And it was really hard at times.

One of the most important things you can do right now, in my own opinion, is to join either Al-Anon or Nar-Anon. Both programs are the counterparts of their respective 12-Step programs, Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and Narcotics Anonymous (NA). I can't emphasize how important Al-Anon was for me during that time period.

You say that the money is limited for counseling. That is completely understandable. Your son really should join either AA or NA. It is free and really does work. It is a LOT of very hard work to achieve sobriety, but it is entirely possible. If possible, he should attend a meeting every day for the first 90 days. He should also get a sponsor, and then listen to what his sponsor tells him to do. As many "old-timers" say in AA, he'll need to "take the cotton out of his ears, and put it in his mouth." If he learns to take everything one day at a time, goes to meetings, works the steps, and follows his sponsor's instructions, he can become clean and sober and, most importantly, stay that way.

My son recently celebrated his 14th year of being clean and sober. It took him several years of constant relapsing before he finally got serious. At that point in time, he went through the Salvation Army's intensive 1-year residential program for addicts and alcoholics. They then placed him in a halfway house for about six months. I thank God every day for that organization. They really have a great program, and take the guys to different 12-step meetings each and every day.

Like you, I also felt that God had brought me back into his life at that specific point in time. When my son was 4 years old, I had a full-blown near-death experience. I was given a choice of coming back to earth or staying in the most beautiful place I've ever seen. I remember wanting to stay so badly because there was absolutely no pain and an incredible sense of peace. But then I was told that my son was going to need me in his late teens/early adulthood, and that if I chose to go back, I would be reunited with him at that time.

Sure enough, when the time came, we were reunited. Neither of us ever had to search. When he was 11 y/o, I filed a Waiver of Confidentiality because I had been told during my near-death experience that his parents would want to contact me. Two years later when he was 13 y/o, his parents asked the adoption agency to locate me. The post-adoptions caseworker was blown away when she located my file and discovered that both his birthparents had already signed waivers two years previously.

For the next five years, we were allowed to exchange photos, gifts, and letters, using the county adoption agency as the go-between. On his 18th birthday, he signed his own waiver of confidentiality, and the caseworker called me with his phone number. And the rest is history...

I'm sorry I got so long-winded with this. Do try to join up with Al-Anon. You're going to need a support system, and Al-Anon is a fantastic one. Take things one day at a time. The going might get rough for you like it did for me, but you and your son will be okay. Drug addiction is a hard disease to deal with, but it is 100 percent treatable. Hang in there!

[lanie777]

Thanks so much for the information and support. I continue to hope we can get through this. I will look into the Al-Anon/Nar-Anon suggestions. I will also check into the Salvation Army program to have the information available. Congrats for your reunion with your son.

[Jackiejdajda]

RavenSong.. whew..
I did not know your full story before reading this recent post..


lanie777

I love my son with all my heart but it is a constant struggle to know how to deal with all he has been through. We are going to couseling to help us adjust to the situation but neither of us can afford the high cost to go more then every other week.

Alanon is an easy meeting to attend you do not have to share.. you can just sit and listen.. If you are in a big city you can go to more than one meeting and decide which one (ones) you like..

Also Melody Beattie.. her books.. Her daily reader..

And her Codependents Guide to the Twelve Steps..How to find the right program for you and apply each of the twelve steps to your own issues..

In the back of this book there is a list of recovery books and a list of the various groups available..

Welcome to Al-Anon and Alateen

Alanon helped me with my birthmom issues.. I went to the meetings and worked the program because my hubby drank/drugs and my parents drank..
I learned that I could help myself.. and it says in the Alanon booklet first given to a new member that when one member of the family gets better the rest of the family follows.. learns by example..

Jackie

[RavenSong]

Originally Posted by Jackiejdajda

RavenSong.. whew..
I did not know your full story before reading this recent post..

Jackie, I totally surprised myself by revealing that part of my story here on this thread the other night. I've only shared it with several people since I had the near-death experience in 1976. When I came out of the coma in ICU, I told my mother and my pastor about it. My dad knew about it...in fact when he was dying, he told me that my experience in the "afterlife" had helped him deal with his own upcoming death. But I don't think I've shared it with anybody else for at least the past 20 years or so.

Al-Anon helped me with my birthmother issues, too. Sometimes I think we should start up some type of 12-Step program for birthmothers. I wonder if it would catch on??

[Jackiejdajda]

RavenSong

Jackie, I totally surprised myself by revealing that part of my story here on this thread the other night. I've only shared it with several people since I had the near-death experience in 1976. When I came out of the coma in ICU, I told my mother and my pastor about it. My dad knew about it...in fact when he was dying, he told me that my experience in the "afterlife" had helped him deal with his own upcoming death. But I don't think I've shared it with anybody else for at least the past 20 years or so.

I have been thinking of you throughout my day.. wow.. I know this kind of thing happens..

I have logged on at nite as my son is moving to Toronto tomorrow and we will be following him in.. and helping him move into his new apartment..
So I won’t be on tomorrow morning..

Al-Anon helped me with my birthmother issues, too. Sometimes I think we should start up some type of 12-Step program for birthmothers. I wonder if it would catch on??

The first time I spoke about my grief was in an Alanon meeting.. at that time I was going to a lot of meetings.. and it was bson birthday.. and I finally allowed myself to feel the grief.. I ended up at my favorite meeting and shared my pain..
As we went for coffee after (we had a great group and would sit and have hours of talking after the meetings) a woman walked next to me and she told me she was a birthmom too..

I would love to get involved with a project like that..

Jackie

[alynp]

I am overwhelmed by your stories and feel the need to tell you how my bmom changed my life.

I did not have a drug problem, but I had other issues that controlled my life in similar ways. I also had abuse in my ahome growing up. Something I have managed to cope with as an adult because of the very fact my bmom became a part of my life. I searched when I was 19 and we have been in contact since then (18 years). I lived in her home when I was 22 and pretty lost.

What impacted me the most about my bmom was that she lived her life in a completely different way than my afamily lived. She reacted to things differently, she had different hopes and goals. She was self reflective and a lover of learning. She gave me hope that I could change my life because of way she lived hers. Without her, I would never have learned to appreciate my afamily as dysfunctional, but having the best intentions. I would never have realized that I can be smart too. I think everything about me would be different and in my mind less developed, less whole, if I had not been able to know her throughout my twenties.

My heart goes out to you both and any other bparent in this situation, not out of pity but out of possiblity. I hope your sons grow up and see how lucky they are to have you in their lives. Time and patience will be needed. I know it worked for me.

[lanie777]

I have to thank all of you who responded for your thoughts and insight. It has been of great help! My son did reach a point where he knew he was substituting alcohol for drugs. He checked himself into a detox center. We worked on a plan of action before he came home which includes AA for him and Al-anon for me among other things. Family and friends have also been very supportive, thank goodness, as I admitted to myself I was in over my head and needed some help with the situation. You know it's not always easy admitting you need help but for my son and I it was the beginning of a big change for the better. Some male mentors have stepped up to be there for him and work with him on anger management, life skills and physical health. This has truely been a blessing since I couldn't have afforded other services.

We have made great strides the last few weeks as he had also addressed issues from his past. It was amazing to see a great change in his personality as I could literally feel the daily anger that he had carried with him being lifted like a weight off his shoulders.

I am realistic that we may face further relapses with his addiction. I feel more confident and capable to be there for him as we take things one day at a time.

Thanks again and I'll keep you posted on our progress.

[echox]

Wow, Your son sounds like me. I got into trouble as a teen, got into drugs and what-not. I never got the support I needed and I have been n my own since age 16. I always hoped my bmom would come find me. I hope your son beats his addictions. I did, but it was the hardest thing I have ever done. Just support your son, no amount of therapy or "Dr. Phil" solutions will replace old fashioned love. I wish you the best of luck, your son is a lucky man to have a mom that loves him.