[mn125]

britt,
Just curious.........how does this "real" son treat your amom?

This has been another tough thing for me to deal with - and many more times than I care to remember-- I've got sucker into rescuing her from her own son. What a mess....
for instance, there was the time he threw out ALL her clothing into the dumpster on a trash pick up day,...... changed the locks on the doors..... and left her in the street with only what she had on her back. Now mind you, everything in that house was my amoms. She had furnished the entire place, including appliances. She paid 1/2 the mortgage, 1/2 of all utilites, all the food, ect ect
Even after tossing her out- and me taking her in and setting her up with an entire new wardrobe- she CONTINUED to pay him more than half of his living expenses!!!!!

Then, there was the time I literally left my children and hubby, and moved out of my home- into hers- and cared for her after major surgery to remove a lung to cancer. I was there for 3 months. I did everything for her....she was bedridden for the better part of that time. Imagine what a kick in the head and heart it was to me to have the "real" son show up one day- and announce he was hungry- and omg...... how fast that woman jumped out of her sick bed to head off to the kitchen to cook an entire meal for him! Sooooo- wait a minute- why am I here??!? sigh......

It's been like that all my life. There are other instances that have been very hurtful to me, but even now, I can't bring myself to talk about them often......it hurts so bad.
But now, I am free. I can sleep at night knowing I did my best to re-pay this family for taking me in, or whatever feelings I followed to allow this to continue to happen throughout my life... I'm done. Amen.

I would have been better off growing up with my natural mom....at very least, I wouldn't likely had the struggles of "Blood DOES count"

[Hadley2]

I'm a prospective amom, and I know how foster/adopt kids will see a difference if they are looking for it, but what you describe is far beyond what I see in my household.

If it were me, I would say, in as quiet and dignified a way as possible: "You have once again made it very clear that I am not your daughter or even a loved one. Disinheriting me is disowning me, there is no question of that. Since you have disowned me, I have no place or role here. I owe you nothing. You did not give me a childhood with family, you took it away by adopting me and denying me when another family would have cherished me. You have been unutterably cruel and callous where others would have been loving and kind. Good bye."

It doesn't seem cruel to me, only realistic. Maybe such a statement would open a discussion, maybe not. In any case, I think it is harder for you to let go of what could have/should have been, maybe secretly still hope might be, than you realize or you would have walked away some time ago.

Hugs for the hurt, blessings for the future.

[Peace.]

If it were me, I would say, in as quiet and dignified a way as possible: "You have once again made it very clear that I am not your daughter or even a loved one. Disinheriting me is disowning me, there is no question of that. Since you have disowned me, I have no place or role here. I owe you nothing. You did not give me a childhood with family, you took it away by adopting me and denying me when another family would have cherished me. You have been unutterably cruel and callous where others would have been loving and kind. Good bye."

This is fantastic advice, there doesn't seem to be much to be gained by maintaing this relationship

[Shai's Mom]

I agree with Hadley2. And my heart breaks for you that you should have had to have this kind of upbringing. Still, despite all you went through, you're a dedicated daughter, caring for the only mother you know.

You are an amazing person. A daughter like you is a blessing and a god-send gift.

As I mentioned before, I have one bio-daughter and two a-sons. And I love my children, with all my heart and my soul. I can't imagine it being any different.

Give your love to your husband, your beautiful children and don't let this bitter, horrible woman spoil your life further.

[Dobie]

Alright, I wasn't going to respond but the more I thought about it, the more I could relate. My amom and adad made me get a job at14 years old, I worked FULL TIME and then sometimes overtime as well, being that I worked for my adad as a cashier for his hardware store. But the point is, I didn't have a choice. And they took my paychecks and used them to furnish their lavish materialistic lifestyle. But 4 years after they adopted me they had a baby girl, and 2 years after her another girl. Both biologically.
Now here comes the meat... My sister got the good nice expensive car, parents give her gas $ whenever she asks, and to top it off, even though my sister is now a freshman in college, amom still does her laundry and makes her bed and cleans her room for her. I was doing ALL of that because I didn't have a choice by the time I was a sophomore in high school. Now that I'm an adult with my own family, my amom MIGHT help out here or there if I'm low on diapers or wipes for my daughter, but if I need something, like underwear or socks, she just berrates me for not working, while I'm the only one that can watch her during the day. I do what I can, but I don't have the luxurey of having it handed to me on a silver platter like both my sisters do.
I'm so thankful I found my birth mom, shes so much like me, shes like a clone! Anyways, thats my contribution to the post, hope it made sense... Which I bet it didn't, I need a cigarette so for reading.
~Jamie

[Britt42]

Hi everyone, Sorry I haven't responded in a while. mn125,to answer your question, my brother treats her ok I guess. They are like best friends who go out to eat together alot, etc. Although, he can be nasty to her sometimes. She has never really allowed him to grow up. I am so sorry for everything you've gone through with your adoptive family. Also, everyone else, thanks for the comments. It really helps to know others understand.

[Britt42]

Here is an update on this situation. My "so called mother" has just decided that she has more than one child and will do things fairly, but then of course says, "Will you be the executor, NOW?" I feel this is the only reason she is doing this and it means absolutely nothing to me . I mean, it took 40 years for her to realize she has more than one child. It all comes down to her just wanting me to help my brother out by doing all the work that goes along with this. At this point I don't want anything from her. I wish I could get past all this bitterness and move on. Some of my friends say at least she's trying, but to me it is a little too late. Things will never be normal between us.

[gottahavehope]

My heart just breaks for all of you who felt less. You are not less. You are wonderful, special people. Your parents should be ashamed of themselves. I'm the mother of the most beautiful, wonderful, smart, sweet little 11 month old boy. I did not carry him in my belly, another woman had that honor, but I love him more than life itself. I got pregnant when he was three months old-a total suprise-and I can't imagine this other child changing how I feel about my son. In my opinion, I'll have a son and a daughter that I love equally. I hope they grow up to love me and each other with their whole hearts. I'm sending you all big hugs and lots of support. Again, I'm so sorry.
Peace,
K

[aldes]

Just my 2 or 3 cents...I believe the court will ask you if you accept the executor position. You can decline & leave it up to them to figure it out. You can also tell your mom that it would make it easier on everyone if she would just put everything in a trust with brother as beneficiary. No paperwork or probate involved there. My kids each think the other is the favorite; all I know id that I have a favorite son & a favorite daughter. I'm so sorry for your pain.

[sislookingforbros]

i was in a foster home and the parents had alot of money and they took in foster children it seemed so they would get moremoney ad not have to pay for child care for the bio kids and free housekeeping. at 14 i was taking care of 6 kids a day with ADHD under the age of 9 and i had to clean a 6 bed room house. at the time i was going through "depression" from leaving a previous foster home that i was in for 4 years. every holiday these parents got the kids presents amounting to (and not word of a lie) at least 2000$ each. (one time they actually handed all of the kids the money cash right in front of me) all i got was two outfits from the salvation army. i think that aparents or foster parents that are going to treat the kids this way have no right to take them in in the first place.

[Anjilic]

Trust me, you're not alone. I had to deal with it my entire life and was always made to feel inferior. The favoritism was quite extreme and was very painful for me. Just try not to take it personally (I know that is easier said than done), but remember that they are the ones with the problem, not you.

Best of luck to you :-)

[akcskye]

Sure, it would bother me, but I don't think how you came into the family has anything to do with it at all.

My family is like this, and we're all bios...that's why I keep less and less contact.

I'm the one they run to and use completely up, one sister runs off when there's a crisis, and the other wants to be the one the crisis is all about, so I know exactly what you're talking about...but it can be in any family, not just an a-child/b-child blended family.

Originally Posted by Britt42

Has anyone else been adopted and then your adoptive parents had a child of their own and they show favoritism for that child? How do you deal with it? I could deal with it if it was in the past, but it still goes on to this day. I was told by my amom that she wants me to be the executor for her will, but she is leaving everything to her REAL son. I can do all the work and he can have everything. When I told her he needs to take care of it himself, she just couldn't understand it and said, "But he wants YOU to do it." I mean I guess I understand them wanting to leave everything to their natural son, but then to throw it in my face. Did anyone else grow up with this kind of dysfunction? Would this bother anyone else, or is it just me?

[Britt42]

I understand that it can happen in any family, but when you're adopted it's like being rejected twice. First by the birth parents and then the adoptive ones.

[Jen5727]

I hope I don't come off as a total jerk. I found this forum/post while searching for "parents who favor their adopted child."

My parents adopted my older sister when I was 10 and she was 14. Since they made that fateful decision my life has never been the same. From the minute she arrived my parents began to over compensate where she was concerned. There is nothing they would not buy for her, nothing they would not do for her because afterall, she had previously endured a difficult life.

This would not have been so difficult to accept if their attitude towards me had gone unchanged. At x-mas time I would receive clothes. She would not only receive clothes but diamond earrings accompanied by a matching tennis bracelet, tv's and stereos. The difference was blattant and severe, and when I would say anthing to my parents about it they would sternly remind me that I was blessed with a wonderful life while she had, had a rough beginning. She had received several new cars, they paid for her school, paid for her wedding etc...While I drove used cars, paid for my own school and my own wedding.

While in her early 20's my sister began to have problems with drug addiction. They paid for lawyers, treatment and various other bills stemming from the trouble she was in. While I have never had legal issues, during times of trouble (for instance when I lost my job)there has never been any money to help me out of a bind. If my parents were questioned as to why they had money when my sister needed help yet never had money when I required assistance, I would be told that my sister suffered from drug addiction because of her horrible childhood. And since I had a wonderful childhood, they simply weren't compelled to help me.

Now we are both in our 30's married with children, I find this behavior extends to our children. While my parents can not make it to my childrens birthdays or manage to visit on the weekends they are always available to my sister and her children. You see, my sister does not work and her husband does not make enough money to support their family, so she requires their help,support and assistance. My husband makes twice as much as her husband so they "don't feel sorry for me." My mother is always available to watch my sister's children if she had an appointment, wants to get her hair done etc. I ask my mother 3 times a year(at most) to watch my kids. 2 out of three times she will tell me no- why can't my husband watch the kids??

My son turned 6 last month and because my parents had a hefty list of yard chores so they chose to mail my son's gift rather than attend his party. My nephew turned 5 this past weekend and you can rest assured who was at the party. My kids are both starting to notice that grandma and grandpa spend a lot more time with their cousins. I'm not certain how to explain this to them and I am becoming increasingly resentful towards both my parents and my sister. Though I realize their behavior is not her fault I shouldn't have to explain to my kids they are second best because their mother is the natural child of their grandparents and because their mother had 10 years of childhood bliss we must all be treated like inferiors for the benefit of my sister-their aunt.

It would not surprise me in the least if I found out I am not even included in my parents will. I fully anticipate my sister receiving the bulk of any inheritance because God knows she deserves it- afterall her first 14 years were tough.

[Jen5727]

I hope I don't come off as a total jerk. I found this forum/post while searching for "parents who favor their adopted child."

My parents adopted my older sister when I was 10 and she was 14. Since they made that fateful decision my life has never been the same. From the minute she arrived my parents began to over compensate where she was concerned. There is nothing they would not buy for her, nothing they would not do for her because afterall, she had previously endured a difficult life.

This would not have been so difficult to accept if their attitude towards me had gone unchanged. At x-mas time I would receive clothes. She would not only receive clothes but diamond earrings accompanied by a matching tennis bracelet, tv's and stereos. The difference was blattant and severe, and when I would say anthing to my parents about it they would sternly remind me that I was blessed with a wonderful life while she had, had a rough beginning. She had received several new cars, they paid for her school, paid for her wedding etc...While I drove used cars, paid for my own school and my own wedding.

While in her early 20's my sister began to have problems with drug addiction. They paid for lawyers, treatment and various other bills stemming from the trouble she was in. While I have never had legal issues, during times of trouble (for instance when I lost my job)there has never been any money to help me out of a bind. If my parents were questioned as to why they had money when my sister needed help yet never had money when I required assistance, I would be told that my sister suffered from drug addiction because of her horrible childhood. And since I had a wonderful childhood, they simply weren't compelled to help me.

Now we are both in our 30's married with children, I find this behavior extends to our children. While my parents can not make it to my childrens birthdays or manage to visit on the weekends they are always available to my sister and her children. You see, my sister does not work and her husband does not make enough money to support their family, so she requires their help,support and assistance. My husband makes twice as much as her husband so they "don't feel sorry for me." My mother is always available to watch my sister's children if she had an appointment, wants to get her hair done etc. I ask my mother 3 times a year(at most) to watch my kids. 2 out of three times she will tell me no- why can't my husband watch the kids??

My son turned 6 last month and because my parents had a hefty list of yard chores so they chose to mail my son's gift rather than attend his party. My nephew turned 5 this past weekend and you can rest assured who was at the party. My kids are both starting to notice that grandma and grandpa spend a lot more time with their cousins. I'm not certain how to explain this to them and I am becoming increasingly resentful towards both my parents and my sister. Though I realize their behavior is not her fault I shouldn't have to explain to my kids they are second best because their mother is the natural child of their grandparents and because their mother had 10 years of childhood bliss we must all be treated like inferiors for the benefit of my sister-their aunt.

It would not surprise me in the least if I found out I am not even included in my parents will. I fully anticipate my sister receiving the bulk of any inheritance because God knows she deserves it- afterall her first 14 years were tough.