[Britt42]

No, it's not dementia. It's just her twisted way of thinking. My brother has been babied and favored his whole life. No one would ever want life to be hard for him or for him to know what it's like in the real world. I guess it's because they probably never thought they would have a child of their own. The funny thing is I get along ok with him. It's my mother who I have a problem with. She does these type of things and expects us to be best friends and wonders why we are not close.

[Shai's Mom]

I am so, so sorry! I have one bio-daughter and two adoptive sons. I love all three of my children and my boys are no less mine than my daughter. It is inconceivable to me that someone would make their precious child feel inferior, just because they didn't happen to be born from her.

[DASmith]

I know exactly how you feel. I was adopted at birth and 16 months later they were able to have their own daughter. From as far back as I can remember my adad was okay when he wasn't at work( he had to work a LOT of OT to keep up with amom's love to spend) but my amom was a different story completely. She would do things like leave me a list of all the work to be done around house while she and asis would go shopping or swimming or whatever fun stuff they wanted to do. It was bad enough from amom but agrandparents on mom's side treated me even worse. my agrandpa would look at me and nearly snarl or make some rude comment then in the same breath look at asis and say something so sweet. My amom swore from day1 (the day I FOUND my adoption papers) that she had NO intention of ever telling me I was adopted. After I found the papers it got even worse. The BAD thing is now she is alcoholic and manic depressive so All the treatments and stuff she has had has supposedly wiped out all memories of any of that stuff in my childhood. Honestly I think the way she treated me growing up is come back to bite her in the butt and caused all of her problems.. She gets the easy way out ( no memories of the crap she put me through) and I have to live with the memories and unfortunately at this point in my life I just can't forgive her yet. I want to but can't do it....I'm still working on it.....

[teranga]

I guess my question is...what does your brother think about this? If my parents told me they were giving all their money to me, I would split it with evenly with my siblings......has he said anything about what he plans to do if he actually gets all the money? Like give you half??

Also, are you sure that is even legal--would it hold up in court? When we were finalizing our son's adoption, they very pointedly said to us "are you sure you understand that your son (adopted) will have all the rights of your bio children, and that your inheritance will be split amongst the 3 of them?"

Not that the legality changes how awful it must be for you to go through this....

[Britt42]

No, my brother and I have never talked about it. I think to him this just seems like something normal because this is how he has been treated his whole life. I don't think he gets it. I remember even as a kid, my father trying to get me to do his homework for him. I wouldn't want anything at this point anyway. As far as I'm concerned he can have it all, but he needs to take care of it himself. It's just so hard, I do love my amom, but sometimes I want absolutely nothing to do with her. It's just such a dysfunctional situation. When I do visit, I feel like I am putting on an act the whole time, like everything is wonderful, when I am actually very bitter. Sometimes I think it would be healthier for me to not bother with them at all, but I don't think I could be that cruel. Not to mention the fact that we live in the same town and she is really big on guilt trips.

[klinger39]

Originally Posted by Britt42

Has anyone else been adopted and then your adoptive parents had a child of their own and they show favoritism for that child? How do you deal with it? I could deal with it if it was in the past, but it still goes on to this day. I was told by my amom that she wants me to be the executor for her will, but she is leaving everything to her REAL son. I can do all the work and he can have everything. When I told her he needs to take care of it himself, she just couldn't understand it and said, "But he wants YOU to do it." I mean I guess I understand them wanting to leave everything to their natural son, but then to throw it in my face. Did anyone else grow up with this kind of dysfunction? Would this bother anyone else, or is it just me?

This angers me beyond words, and I can't believe I'm the only one to think of this so far: Legal action.

Yes, children can be "written out of wills."

But legally both you as aChild and your brother as bChild are your mother's children, and if you can show a Judge (family court maybe) that you've been a "good kid" to your mother all these years, and that her leaving everything to your brother as her "real" child (but asking you to do all the work to ensure he gets it) is spiteful, vengeful, without basis or merit and unjustified, he could possibly sign an order that a court appointed mediator or advocate decide how to divide the estate.

If your mothers estate is sizeable, it could be very much worth your while to pay a lawyer even a few thousand dollars to research that situation, and the laws relating to it as they apply in your state.

It sounds like your mother pretty much doesn't give a care about you at this point if she's flat-out told you she's not leaving anything to you and that your brother is getting it all (but she still asks you to do the work as executor... that really burns me up), so it would seem to me that you have nothing to lose in going after this.

At least in the "making mom mad" department.

Good luck!

[Britt42]

Hi Klinger, Thanks for the advice, I really appreciate it. People have told me that before about doing something legally. But for me, money really isn't the issue. It's more about how someone could treat one of their children this way. I couldn't even imagine doing this to my own kids. I think the only thing legal I would probably do, if I am still on the will as the executor, is to find out if I am legally bound to do it. If she still has me on there, I am going to refuse to do it. I mean, I told her I didn't want to do it and she should have respected my wishes. It's just such an unreasonable thing to expect of anyone, adopted or not. But I think being adopted just makes it more hurtful because there are already alot of issues there.

[MamaS]

Britt42 if you decide to be the executor, at least bill the estate for all the work you do -- keep records of time spent, gas receipts, any filing fees paid, and pay yourself back. That is exactly what a lawyer would do as an appointed executor. It is only fair and it does not require you to sue anyone -- you are just taking what you earned.

[rdhgirl]

I, too, am glad I'm not the only one who has felt this way. It was my a-dad who was the one who treated me differently though. I cannot pinpoint whether or not it was because I was adopted (my younger brother is their bio-son) or if it's because I'm a girl. My a-dad is a very controlling man and always wanted me "under his thumb." For example, I got a scholarship to college (not full, but about 3/4 of my way would have been paid) but my a-dad would not let me go. He made me go to a community college so I could live at home and he'd know where I was. I was a great teenager (if I do say so myself!), I never disobeyed (for some reason I always felt as though I "owed" my a-parents for "taking me in" even though I was only 12 weeks old when they got me), I was a great student, blah, blah, blah, but he always wanted to know where I was every second. It was definitely "control" not that he cared so much for my safety. My brother, on the other hand, had no scholarships, decided he wanted to go to a private college ($18,000/year) and my parents WILLINGLY let him!!! There was a lot more than just that, but I'm still a little sore about it all these years later, despite the fact that I am very happy with my life and I wouldn't change a thing now. I just found this website and I have to admit it is nice to read what others have to say, it makes me feel like my feelings are validated. My husband just doesn't understand even though he tries.

[mn125]

Britt42,

I have just gone thru the very thing you are describing here.....UGH!!!!!!!!

I could write a book about my feelings of never being good enough and being told bluntly time upon time by the REAL son "its all mine!" and "youre not real!". It even got to the point where, when I'd bring my children over to visit my aparents, the real son would (at 30+ years old- living at home - sponging off mom and dad) yell at me and the kids- "Don't eat MY food!"

I've grown up in a dysfunctional family where it felt like my abro and myself were in the middle of "cinderella".....we were treated VERY differently than their "real" son......to the very end. sigh

Amom passed away just 6 months ago. Being executor of the estate was brought up to me by both aparents at the time my adad became ill. They both sat there with the wills out explaining to me that they felt I would be FAIR and distribute evenly to the sibs and myself. They admitted that their son likely would not behave in such a manner. I believed them, hook- line and sinker.

I signed for amoms funeral expenses, and paid cash- thinking, it will come back to me thru the life insurance. WRONG! I quickly learned that all her life insurance was left to her "real" son entirely. It was her final kick in the teeth and heart to me. In essence- I got stuck with the bill.

Closing her estate has been a real chore...I never thought it would be this difficult! (and btw- if you decide to handle this- do some research NOW on resources to help you navigate the system. I found NONE - and finally wound up going to an attorney- even with a "smiple- small estate" under $3,000).

Looking back, I wish I had said NO to doing the estate. It WAS alot of work. physically- and emotionally. What passed thru probate would have been divided evenly amongst the sibs according to the will anyway. It was never about the money - but I never understood that I was signing up to do ALL the work- while the fat cat sat back and collected his share, and more.

[Britt42]

mn125, Thank you so much for your advice. I couldn't help but notice the "angry adoptee" under your name. I feel anger towards them all the time. I have a wonderful husband, great kids, but I am so angry. I wish I could just move on. My afather had passed away a few years ago and I helped my amother through alot of the paperwork and came across his will which stated he leaves all his property and possessions to his bio-son, but is wasn't valid because it was never notarized. That was very hurtful. The only thing about that was at least he didn't list me as the executor. So now, I have alot of anger towards him that of course will never be resolved now. So, now my amother pulls the same thing, but expects me to do all the work for her "baby". The funny thing is he is in his mid 30's and still lives at home just like your brother did. Strange. It's hard enough to deal with all the emotions of someone dying, but then to know how they really feel about you, it's very hard. I'm so sorry for what you've gone through, especially after doing all that work. That must have been horrible.

[Ferney]

I just saw your posting. I feel a kick in my gut over what you told this forum. I absolutely understand your feelings over what your amother said. I think you are absolutely justified in being hurt and angry. Don't you let ANYONE tell you that your feeling are not valid. I am not happy about your amon. Do you think some of her biological family members might be behind the cause of her treatment of you? That might be it.

As an adopted person, I am on your side totally.

[Britt42]

Thanks Ferney, It really helps to hear someone say that my feelings are valid. I tend to second guess myself alot and think sometimes I am acting like a big baby over this, like I should just be greatful they took me in and that I owe them something. My amother doesn't have a very big bio family. All she has left is 1 sister. I don't really think she knows what goes on. The sad thing is that my amom doesn't realize the situation she is creating. Like I said, she only has her sister and who will my brother have left someday, but me, and she is ruining that relationship. At least I have my husband and kids and a very large bio family that I see a couple of times a year. Doesn't she see that she really isn't helping her son out by being like this.

[Boulderbabe]

I'm also an adoptive parent, and I just don't *get* how somebody could do something like Britt is describing. It's not just because I'm thinking "oh, they're both my real children, yada yada" (although of course I think that). It's because my relationship with my FIRST child, my adopted child, is so incredibly intense and special, I can't imagine how anything on earth could displace that. I mean, yes, I hope someday I'll adopt another of my foster children. But as much as I will of course love that second child, it can't possibly be the same kind of relationship I have with my first child. He's the one that really made me into a mom. He taught me as much as I ever taught him. And it's been just the two of us as a core unit for so long.....how could any child, bio or adopted, white or black or pink with yellow spots, ever push him out of the very center of my heart?

I guess I just have to shake my head at Britt's story. It's not that I don't believe it---I'm sure she's telling the truth. It's just that it seems so foreign to me and my heart that it might as well be something told to me about strange Martian customs.

Britt, I'm really sorry you're being treated this way. Nobody ever should be made to feel like a second class citizen, much less a second-class daughter.

[Peace.]

I too am astounded that any parent could show such nasty favouratism towards any of their children and not 'even' an adopted child but 'especially' one. I'm an adoptee with a brother also adopted so I can't relate to growing up with birth sibs....but I certainly can relate to feeling a bit lost, alone, regected just because I am adopted. Then to have your situation on top of that...well I would be absolutely crushed. There's been a few mention that you feel grateful for being taken in...DON"T!! There are sooo many wonderful people trying to adopt, you shouldn't feel grateful for being treated like crap when the fact is that if your parents didn't adopt you there would have been many other families desperate to give a baby a good, fair, loving home...so don't give yourself a guilt trip about doing something (being executor of a harsh will) because you feel you should be paying back for being raised!
If your brother doesn't 'get' what is happening, then I'd enlighten him-promptly- if you say that your relationship with him is OK then your should tell him how it feels to be adopted and that the treatment you have recieved over the years just compounds those negative feeling.
You have been treated very badly by your aparents...that is their problem, don't continue to make it yours by going along with their insane demands.
All the best, I truly feel for you