[PastorStephanie]

I am interested in talking about the role of adoptive parents in the reunion experience of adult adoptees. I am wondering how adult adoptees feel about including their adoptive parents in their relationship with their biological families and what adoptive parents see as their role.

Personally, after nearly ten years of struggling with an on and off relationship with my birthmother, I am one and a half years old into a stable reunion with her and her entire family. We are really striving to a form a lasting family dynamic. When things were on and off, my aparents were protective and skeptical of our reunion relationship but did not appear to be threatened by it. They communicated support and compassion, especially during the low times and expressed a need for caution during the high times, which was certainly good advice. Now that my relationship with my bmom and her family has stabilized and there is a real connection amongst us all, they have cooled considerably towards the relationship. I attempt to be open with them sharing stories and general thoughts and feelings (nothing too overwhelming) but it seems to me that they do not want to hear about it. For example, I’ll share with my aparents plans for an upcoming visit with my bfamily and they respond with a cool, “That’s nice, sweetie.” Or I will tell a story about a bsibling and they say, “That’s interesting.” And then promptly change the topic. So we have slipped into a “don’t ask, don’t tell” style of dealing with things. They don’t ask about them and I don’t tell them much. I feel like this is driving a wedge between me and my aparents.

I am wondering if other aparents could direct me on this issue. Am I being unrealistic concerning the role the aparents would reasonably want to play in a reunion experience? Also, I am looking for any suggestions from adoptees on how they include their aparents in their reunion relationships and what roles they are asking their aparents to play.

[DebsW]

Hi Stephanie, I grew up in a home (adad was a minister) and both adad and amom said that they would help me find bfamily if I ever wanted to. Amom even pushed me to do it in my late twenties. Well, I am 12 months into a very successful reunion with both bmom and bdad. Amom pulled out of the whole situation about 4 months ago. Up until then I shared most of everything that was going on. She decided that she could not handle it and told me not to share anymore with her (my adad died this summer). I have honored her request, I do not share anything at all. She rarely asks me anything about it. I was heartbroken about it for a long time but now I am just angry with her. She is missing out on a fantastic time of my life (she even told an aunt of mine that she has never seen me so happy). There is a big rift in our lives now and I can't get past it. I have been keeping my concact with her to a minimum because I hurt so much after I talk to her.

DebsW

[Sniffles]

I have very supportive a-parents, they have given me every bit of info they knew, mom spent hours in the libary with me looking at the birth records on microfilm, and when I made the first phone call to my b-grandparents I drove 40 miles to my mom's house just so I could have her support during the call.

This past week, my b-grandmother called my mom twice. No I was not upset I thought it was neat. When I called her this weekend, she told me that she just loves my mom to death. I embarassed my mom by telling her that, but she likes her too.

My mom did tell me one time that I was lucky to have found my grandparents because unfortuatly all of my a-grandparents had passed away. I only knew one of them and that was my mom's mom. Grannie died when I was about 11. So she considers me very blessed that I have them in my life now and so do I.

My mom has been my rock during the whole search and reunion process and she still gets me through some of the rough spots.

[Peace.]

Your situation is similar to what I am going through. I took 30 years to need to find my ** and met her briefly and since then (10 years) have been sending and recieving Xmas & B/d cards each year. My am and ad haven't really discussed our adoption throughout our lives and I felt very emotional when I had to tell them that I wanted to find her. Since I found her I haven't told my aparents that we have kept in touch. The only time that it is discussed is when I bring it up and then it is not talked about in depth. I feel like it would upset them and that I'm being disloyal. I also don't think they understand the need for ongoing contact and that that would be hurtful to them (one meeting to see what she looks like would be OK, but why the need for an ongoing relationship??) Anyway, I won't ramble on, but I think it is very common that we think that our aparents will be upset...it's all very emotional and I think that the aparent just want us to be all theirs and when we search it brings back the pain of the fact that we aren't.

[PastorStephanie]

Originally Posted by DebsW

There is a big rift in our lives now and I can't get past it. I have been keeping my concact with her to a minimum because I hurt so much after I talk to her.

DebsW

DebsW, I am so sorry to hear that you feel such a rift in your relationship with your amom. That must be extremely hard. Balancing all the emotions in a reunion situation is very confusing. Hearing your experinence and that of Peace makes me feel like I am "not the only one" as I juggle my own thoughts and feelings towards my aparents. Thanks for sharing it.

Sniffles, how exciting for you that your amom has been so supportive to you during your journey. Have you done anything in particular to help ease her concerns or insecurities or was she this her immediate natural response?

I know that my aparents would be heartbroken if I were to withdraw from them even subconciously and that is the last thing that I want. It just seems so strange to not share such an important part of my life with them in detail... and yet so awkward to share it??! I hate having secerts... there are already enough secerts connected with my adoption. The last thing that I want to do is keep secerts from my aparents about my bmom but it doesn't seem fair to throw it in their face either.

[zxczxcasdasd]

I'm an amom and I'm really touched by your obvious love and concern for your parents in the midst of your reunion. Thanks for that.

Anyway, why not ask them how much detail they want or can handle? Aparents, just like adoptees don't follow any pattern as a group, they are all individuals, especially during reunion. Some parents want to hear it all and feel part of it all. For others, it's just too difficult or scary or painful and even though they know it's happening, don't want to hear about it or talk about it. Why not ask your parents how much they want to be a part of this and how much they want to hear?

As for how to help them...1) Know that if they feel afraid or hurt it's common and nothing they, or you, should feel guilty about. You can deeply love each other without dancing around every feeling or being controlled by emotions that are a natural part of the process 2) Research some support options for them you can share with them 3) Both you and your parents need a "safe place" to share feelings honestly and receive comfort, clarity and encouragement. For many families, you sharing every feeling with them or your parents sharing every feeling with you could cause each of you pain and guilt. Each of you should have another place you can go to cry, be angry, be confused and have help regaining focus, strength and peace.

God Bless You as you navigate this.

[kune]

Hi
I'm a birthmother (different perspective all round) and have been in reunion with my bson for 5 years.

I have always wanted to meet his aparents. I was sure that I would love them - not only for what they did for bson, but also for what they allowed me to be. I asked my bson in the early days of our reunion if he felt they would like to meet me. At the time they didn't. They found the whole reunion rollercoaster very hard to understand. But ........4 weeks ago, we met them on neutral ground - just them, myself and hubby, and somehow it made the reunion "right" His Mom and I are so similar and could easily be friends. They shared all his toddler and school-boy stories with me - some sad, some funny but every tit-bit was very special. I heard what I had missed, but also the family stories that confirm that he had a good life with parents who loved him, and allowed him to be who he wanted to be. And I am so thankful to his parents for sharing it with me. At the end of the day, his Dad pulled us into a group hug and said "We are G*****'s family" and I guess that is how we all felt.


Peace and Stephanie - have you thought about asking your aparents to join you one day when you are spending time with your birthmother. Chances are your aMom will be curious about the woman who allowed her to have a family that included you. AND....look what they have in common!!!

Merry Christmas everyone. I hope you all find Peace and Happiness with the friends and family who share this holiday season with you.

Ann

[Sniffles]

Originally Posted by PastorStephanie

Sniffles, how exciting for you that your amom has been so supportive to you during your journey. Have you done anything in particular to help ease her concerns or insecurities or was she this her immediate natural response?

Stephanie, I was blessed because both her and my dad have always been that way. I had the concerns and insecurities about their feelings and I still do. I do keep some things from them mainly because I know how much they love me and do not want to see me hurt. When I discussed how they felt about me searching with them one day, Mom told me that when they went to the home to pick me up the home discussed with them that there was a possibility that I would want to search for my birthparents. They also asked for them to be open about the adoption. As far as I can tell this was very unheard of during this time. I don't know if this had anything to do with their decision, but it was nice to hear it.

[loveajax]

PastorStephanie,

I am an a mom and also married to an adult adoptee who has "located" but not contacted his birth mom.

About 10 years ago, DH's sister (also adopted) located and met her birth mom. Unfortunately, at that time, birth mom was dying of brain cancer (so sad!). Anyway, she came to the house and had dinner with my DH's family. My a mom said it was so wonderful to finally meet her because it gave her a whole new perspective on my SIL, etc.

On the other hand, I can see that it may "hurt" a bit for DH to find his birth mom. I think a parents from the closed adoption era really could never fully prepare themselves for reunion. They are people with feelings and jealousies, etc. (Heck, my mom is jealous of my relationship with MIL!!).

We are in an open adoption relationship. One of the things I never wanted was to have to "deal" with reunion issues because they seem so overwhelming to me!!! (I am feeling that right now helping DH thru this process). I think there may be a tendency for adoptees in closed adoptions (not all, obviously) to either romantacize or demonize their birth parents. Hopefully, the "openness" throughout the years will help with that.

Anyway, I am sorry that you feel the need to be on a don't ask/don't tell basis. I bet if you told your a mom that is how you felt and also maybe asked her to meet with birth family, you may find that she will have a change of heart! Good luck to you!

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by DebsW

Hi Stephanie, I grew up in a home (adad was a minister) and both adad and amom said that they would help me find bfamily if I ever wanted to. Amom even pushed me to do it in my late twenties. Well, I am 12 months into a very successful reunion with both bmom and bdad. Amom pulled out of the whole situation about 4 months ago. Up until then I shared most of everything that was going on. She decided that she could not handle it and told me not to share anymore with her (my adad died this summer). I have honored her request, I do not share anything at all. She rarely asks me anything about it. I was heartbroken about it for a long time but now I am just angry with her. She is missing out on a fantastic time of my life (she even told an aunt of mine that she has never seen me so happy). There is a big rift in our lives now and I can't get past it. I have been keeping my concact with her to a minimum because I hurt so much after I talk to her.

DebsW

Sometimes aparents don't understand why they couldn't have given you that happiness. When in reality, they did give you that happiness, by orginally being open to your searching. By giving you the gift of being able to search.

Now with your adad gone, your mom has no one to talk to about her feelings.

Good luck,

Teri
bmom, reunited since 1997

[DebsW]

Thanks Teri. I am always interested in looking at different perspectives on this. I had not thought of that. My abrother believes that my amom never thought I would actually find my bfamily so maybe she had the wind knocked out of her on this one along with losing her spouse of 48 years. I am very glad that I did my search and found my bfamily before my adad got sick.

DebsW

[PastorStephanie]

As suggested by several people, I brought up this topic up with my adad yesterday. I told him that I feel like he and mom are hurt whenever I mention my bfamily and we tried to have an honest conversation about it. (My adad and I are pretty close.) The conversation was interesting... my adad said that he can see why I think that he does not want to hear about my relationship with my bfamily but that that is not the case. He said that he does want to know things about them and wishes that I would share more detail. Then I offered a few stories about my bfamily from a recent visit and he changed the subject (I took this to mean that in his heart, he wants to be open about my bfamily but it is just too hard to do and I can undestand that). My adad also mentioned that my amom has a much harder time with hearing stories and sharing things concerning my bfamily... that he thinks that my amom is threatened by my bmom and is afraid that bmom will take something away from her. I am trying to think of ways to reassure my amom that I love her and bmom's absence or presence does not change that.

Kune & Loveajax, My aparents and bmom have met. Once about 10 years ago... when we were first reuniting. That meeting was really awkward. Alot has changed since then so I suppose we could all take another shot at something like that (although we live in 3seperate states now so that would take some doing).

[Peace.]

I wonder what aparents were told about reunions (back in the '60's-'70's closed adoption epidemic). Was it considered that bparents and children could/would ever find each other..or were the laws and society's attitudes sufficient for you all to believe it wouldn't be an issue. Were aparents counselled on the differences in rasing adopted kids or was/is there more time spent in grilling the applicant for their sutability as a parent?
I never really considered searching for 30 years, but as time passes and especially since the birth of my 2 children (3 & 17mths) the need to see my biological family gets stonger.
I also wonder if perhaps after 30+ years of not dealing with it every one thinks that it doesn't need to be addressed and are therefore taken by surprise ( and probably hurt) when we drop it on them that it is still 'there'.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by Peace.

I wonder what aparents were told about reunions (back in the '60's-'70's closed adoption epidemic). Was it considered that bparents and children could/would ever find each other..or were the laws and society's attitudes sufficient for you all to believe it wouldn't be an issue. Were aparents counselled on the differences in rasing adopted kids or was/is there more time spent in grilling the applicant for their sutability as a parent?
I never really considered searching for 30 years, but as time passes and especially since the birth of my 2 children (3 & 17mths) the need to see my biological family gets stonger.
I also wonder if perhaps after 30+ years of not dealing with it every one thinks that it doesn't need to be addressed and are therefore taken by surprise ( and probably hurt) when we drop it on them that it is still 'there'.

I wonder if they were told anything.

I know they were told that babies were a blank sheet, that you could make into someone "just like you".. Before DNA, before genetics proved otherwise. Even though we all know we inherit traits from our bio family. In adoption at birth, doctors actually told PAPs that children would be whatever you wanted them to be.
That the birthmothers would forget and not to worry about them.


Birthmothers were told to go home, pretend like it never happened, not to ever talk about it.

No one would talk to the birthmother about it, there were no therapy for it.

Some did go home to pretend and never tell.

Others, like me, couldn't live with our children. My OBGYN was really pissed at me when I showed up in his office at 17, Just weeks after my birthson had turned one. Married and pregnant with my second child.

I didn't do what he expected, "go on with my life"... I found my life incomplete without my child, so I wanted another baby to take his place. Another baby cannot take the place of the first one. You just get another baby to love.

Oh and that old saying, "go on with your life", the opposite is to "not go on with life" to die, and some birthmothers did commit suicide. Or turned to drugs or alcohol to dull the pain of that loss. They weren't alcoholics or drug addicts before they were corerced into giving up their babies.

Some never had any other children because they beleived they would never be "good enough" to mother a child.

Some had secondary infertility and could never concieve again.

That is why, a few, certainly not all, aparents are so surprised when the adoptee wants to search. They too pretended, they too ignored what nature told them. Just as they had been told to do.

Such was life in the time before the 1980s..

[MrsHoot]

Scarlet - I just want to say that although I may agree with you on several of your points there is one comment in particular that I don't agree with..."Such was life in the time before the 1980s.."

I gave birth to BD in 1985 and things were no different then. Just because the number of the decade was different doesn't mean there was any more help or acceptance available nor does it mean that an adoption was any more socially aceptable because it happened post 1980...IMHO, we are all dealing with the same issues no matter what decade our children we born in.