[Peace.]

Posting my update here so I don't have to fully re-tell my story... I have been putting off having a discussion with my amom about having had contact with my bmom over the last 12 years. (She knew I met her once back then, but not that we've been exchanging b/day cards and photos) I was pleasantly surprised the other day after I initiated the talk (we never talk about it) and I told her that I am very curious to see other b/family members, and that my b/mom wants to tell her other children about me (I am a big secret in her life). My amom was very encouraging and told me to do whatever I need to be happy. I told her that the only thing stopping me from having more contact is that I'd upset her, but she was very insistant that it didn't upset her when I met b/mom and to go ahead and meet any of them that I want (assuming that my b/mom can tell her family about me). She talked about the trauma of not being able to concieve and then how happy they were to get me and my brother. She even told me a great story about when they went to collect me from the hospital. They were waiting at the window of the nursery looking at all the babies. Mom saw a baby and said to dad how cute that one in particular was and she wished that one could be theirs, that baby was then taken out of the nursery and she thought it was being taken back to its mother for a feed, but then it was me being taken to them! It was such a nice story and made me feel like I was destined to be with them. I feel like such a weight has been lifted and that I should have brought it up with her ages ago instead of stressing and imagining how she felt.

[kakuehl]

I'm so happy for you. Often we worry ourselves silly imagining we know what the other person is thinking. Eventually we discover we were really way off -- after we've worried and put off the discussion for far too long!

I hope your bmom is able to break her silence!

[DebsW]

Hi Kathy, I did not see this post until today. Sometimes I have to take a break from the chats as I get sad at times.

My Amom was very angry when she asked to not be included. She called my bfather a "jerk" because he called me his daughter. She was upset that he was coming in just after my Adad passed (not his intention) and thought he was trying to take his place. She was very unreasonable. Birth parents got married and she was frantic at the thought that they "could have" come back to take me, not likely in the 1970's.

Anyway, she has gone from angry at contact to angry that I don't tell her anything to cloud nine for me and my happiness. I cannot keep up anymore and I do not talk to her about any of it. She has caused me a lot of pain (not just over this either) and I just have to step back and remove myself emotionally.

I cannot write anything to her. In her generation everything put to paper is forwarded on to every realative we have. I think it goes back to the depression, you read it and send it on so the information is shared at a minimum cost of one stamp. I just hate this, there is nothing private in the family, EVER. I only call.

I am thriving in my reunion with my birth family, I have never been happier in my life. People who have known me for many years who do not know about my reunion have even commented on how different I look, and I seem much more content also. Things just make more sense to me now.

DebsW

[kakuehl]

I am so happy you are thriving in your reunion with your birth family. Someone said to me when I began my contact with my bson, that I had found a missing piece of my heart.. Sounds like it's the same for you.

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by DebsW

Hi Kathy, I did not see this post until today. Sometimes I have to take a break from the chats as I get sad at times.

My Amom was very angry when she asked to not be included. She called my bfather a "jerk" because he called me his daughter. She was upset that he was coming in just after my Adad passed (not his intention) and thought he was trying to take his place. She was very unreasonable. Birth parents got married and she was frantic at the thought that they "could have" come back to take me, not likely in the 1970's.

Anyway, she has gone from angry at contact to angry that I don't tell her anything to cloud nine for me and my happiness. I cannot keep up anymore and I do not talk to her about any of it. She has caused me a lot of pain (not just over this either) and I just have to step back and remove myself emotionally.

I cannot write anything to her. In her generation everything put to paper is forwarded on to every realative we have. I think it goes back to the depression, you read it and send it on so the information is shared at a minimum cost of one stamp. I just hate this, there is nothing private in the family, EVER. I only call.

I am thriving in my reunion with my birth family, I have never been happier in my life. People who have known me for many years who do not know about my reunion have even commented on how different I look, and I seem much more content also. Things just make more sense to me now.

DebsW

The depression? you mean the 1930s? I am 59, born 1948, I had my bson in 1964 when I was just turned 16.

How old is your bmom?

It sounds like she needs threapy. There are self help books out there just for bmoms and some for adoptees too. The author I used was Heather Carlini. But I also went to an adoption threapist. It was a big help.

It sounds like, she is angry at the bdad for not marrying her before you were born and jealous of any relationship you may have with him. Even if she wants you to have this relationship.

I wanted to have my son all to myself, not share.. but I did share. Matter of fact I found the bdad and introduced them to each other. After that any relationship they might have had was up to him. The bdad dropped the ball. His lose.
But part of me didn't want to share at all. That part of me that was that 15 year old pregnant girl who wanted to get married and have the husband and baby. That part of me was very selfish. That was the part of me lost everything.

Sorry this is so hard on you. Maybe she will see the light and help herself.

[Dobie]

I wish my aparents could TRY to be supportive in my searches and reunion... but unfortunately they have expressed that "That WOMAN is NOT your MOTHER, you only have one mother, and her children are NOTHING to you. We have no interest in meeting this woman because frankly, we feel like you are trying to replace us with people you don't even know." Pretty blunt, I might add, was my sisters response that "You can't replace us with those people, they don't even know you, and HOW DARE you bump us down on myspace and replace us with THEM" when they never call, write, visit. They want little to nothing to do with me. My bmom's daughter (My half sister) calls to chit chat often, and I love it.
Main point is this... I wish more people could understand the desire to fill a void when it comes to adoptees searching for answers to questions that go unanswered for far too long. Its part of who we, as adoptees, are, it makes us unique to the rest of the world, and if we desire to now about our origins, it should be embraced as a journey for fulfillment rather than be labled as something egregious. It breaks my heart that i don't have their support, but I long ago accepted that they don't deal with things well, so Im spearheading my life and Im living it for ME.
Life is about living each day in hopes that the millions of tomorrows ahead will be happy ones, not mourning the wasted unhappy yesterdays that will never change.
I applaud anyone that supports an adoptee in their search. It makes life a little more happy to know that people love one another enough to accept them in all of their ways.
I ramble... sorry... I blame my lime green sweater.
~Jamie

[Benedicta]

y e a h Jamie !!!!

vicky

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by Dobie

I wish my aparents could TRY to be supportive in my searches and reunion... but unfortunately they have expressed that "That WOMAN is NOT your MOTHER, you only have one mother, and her children are NOTHING to you. We have no interest in meeting this woman because frankly, we feel like you are trying to replace us with people you don't even know." Pretty blunt, I might add, was my sisters response that "You can't replace us with those people, they don't even know you, and HOW DARE you bump us down on myspace and replace us with THEM" when they never call, write, visit. They want little to nothing to do with me. My bmom's daughter (My half sister) calls to chit chat often, and I love it.
Main point is this... I wish more people could understand the desire to fill a void when it comes to adoptees searching for answers to questions that go unanswered for far too long. Its part of who we, as adoptees, are, it makes us unique to the rest of the world, and if we desire to now about our origins, it should be embraced as a journey for fulfillment rather than be labled as something egregious. It breaks my heart that i don't have their support, but I long ago accepted that they don't deal with things well, so Im spearheading my life and Im living it for ME.
Life is about living each day in hopes that the millions of tomorrows ahead will be happy ones, not mourning the wasted unhappy yesterdays that will never change.
I applaud anyone that supports an adoptee in their search. It makes life a little more happy to know that people love one another enough to accept them in all of their ways.
I ramble... sorry... I blame my lime green sweater.
~Jamie

Sorry that was said to you. They wish they could erase your beginnings, not too unusal in itself. Except we are our genetics.. We are raised hopeful by loving parents, who raise us to be the best we were born to be. They can't change who we look like.

I found that my bson has my personality, he even has food likes and dislikes that are the same as mine. Totally different then his afamily. He even processes information the way I do.

We were talking and I said something or other, and he jump in with, "you can't think that, I think that". I laughed, his half sib laughed. My younger son says, sorry bro, mom thought it first.

So, I really am sorry you were put though that, and that you don't have more contact with bfamily.

may all be well with you;

[kakuehl]

Jamie,
Do you know the song,"Magic Penny"? The words are: Love is something - if you give it away (give it away, give it away), you end up having more. It's just like a magic penny, hold it tight and you won't have any; lend it, spend it and you'll have so many, they'll roll right out the door.

So often people think of love as a like a pie... that each of us has only so much to give. Parents wonder if they can love more children like they love the first, etc. The truth is that love expands... the more you open your heart to love, the more you can love! Connecting with D doesn't mean I love my other 2 children less. Adding 3 more grandchildren simply means more love!

I can understand how aparents can worry they're being replaced. My mother used to feel that if she had been a better mother, I wouldn't have done certain things (including get pregnant out of wedlock and go to seminary!) D's mom couldn't figure out why D would want more than his medical history from me and she once made a comment to me about him already having sisters. D has made it clear however by his actions that she is his mother and that will never change. It is my hope that all our lives have been enriched through the connection I have with D.

Adoptees, try to be gentle with your aparents... all of us have insecurities that often come out at the worst possible times. We expect our parents to be grownups - they aren't always able to be as mature as we need them to be. (Parents are people too!)

I guess my advice (for all of us) is to try to keep lines of communication open: write, call, email, etc just to say, "I was thinking of you," "how are you" ,etc. It is my hope that all of us can understand that as we change and grow our relationships change (and can grow) as well. That more relatives (birth families, etc) can mean more love for all!

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by kakuehl

Jamie,
Do you know the song,"Magic Penny"? The words are: Love is something - if you give it away (give it away, give it away), you end up having more. It's just like a magic penny, hold it tight and you won't have any; lend it, spend it and you'll have so many, they'll roll right out the door.

So often people think of love as a like a pie... that each of us has only so much to give. Parents wonder if they can love more children like they love the first, etc. The truth is that love expands... the more you open your heart to love, the more you can love! Connecting with D doesn't mean I love my other 2 children less. Adding 3 more grandchildren simply means more love!

I can understand how aparents can worry they're being replaced. My mother used to feel that if she had been a better mother, I wouldn't have done certain things (including get pregnant out of wedlock and go to seminary!) D's mom couldn't figure out why D would want more than his medical history from me and she once made a comment to me about him already having sisters. D has made it clear however by his actions that she is his mother and that will never change. It is my hope that all our lives have been enriched through the connection I have with D.

Adoptees, try to be gentle with your aparents... all of us have insecurities that often come out at the worst possible times. We expect our parents to be grownups - they aren't always able to be as mature as we need them to be. (Parents are people too!)

I guess my advice (for all of us) is to try to keep lines of communication open: write, call, email, etc just to say, "I was thinking of you," "how are you" ,etc. It is my hope that all of us can understand that as we change and grow our relationships change (and can grow) as well. That more relatives (birth families, etc) can mean more love for all!

One of the things adult children forget, is that parents are grow adults with many years of wisdom, and very often don't need protection, but just need to know there are loved and to be told what is going on.

[Dobie]

Truth be told in an ideal happy perfect world that might hold true, and I hope for everyone elses' sake they experience loving parents, because my adolescent life growing up was full of not only neglect but abuse and resulted in years of feeling like I should never have been born. Instead of love, they showered me with physical abuse and mental anguish that to this day I still shudder at the thought. My afather told me I was a mistake and wished he had adopted a BOY. He beat me till I was unconscious, all over my failing grades, which resulted from feeling like I could never be what they wanted of me, so why try? But finding my birth mom made all the difference. A mom that has time for me, even just to call and say hi, or to go out with for a bite to eat and chit chat. My amom claims that shes too busy, EVEN TO VISIT her first born grand daughter, MY daughter. In the last 5 months she has come here ONCE to see her and now makes excuses like Laundry is more important.
Maybe that helps my previous post make more sense?
~Jamie

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by Dobie

Truth be told in an ideal happy perfect world that might hold true, and I hope for everyone elses' sake they experience loving parents, because my adolescent life growing up was full of not only neglect but abuse and resulted in years of feeling like I should never have been born. Instead of love, they showered me with physical abuse and mental anguish that to this day I still shudder at the thought. My afather told me I was a mistake and wished he had adopted a BOY. He beat me till I was unconscious, all over my failing grades, which resulted from feeling like I could never be what they wanted of me, so why try? But finding my birth mom made all the difference. A mom that has time for me, even just to call and say hi, or to go out with for a bite to eat and chit chat. My amom claims that shes too busy, EVEN TO VISIT her first born grand daughter, MY daughter. In the last 5 months she has come here ONCE to see her and now makes excuses like Laundry is more important.
Maybe that helps my previous post make more sense?
~Jamie

I was raised by my mom, she would spank me until the backs of my thighs were black and blue..

she is the same one who forced me to give up my frist child at birth..

HUgs for you

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by Dobie

Truth be told in an ideal happy perfect world that might hold true, and I hope for everyone elses' sake they experience loving parents, because my adolescent life growing up was full of not only neglect but abuse and resulted in years of feeling like I should never have been born. Instead of love, they showered me with physical abuse and mental anguish that to this day I still shudder at the thought. My afather told me I was a mistake and wished he had adopted a BOY. He beat me till I was unconscious, all over my failing grades, which resulted from feeling like I could never be what they wanted of me, so why try? But finding my birth mom made all the difference. A mom that has time for me, even just to call and say hi, or to go out with for a bite to eat and chit chat. My amom claims that shes too busy, EVEN TO VISIT her first born grand daughter, MY daughter. In the last 5 months she has come here ONCE to see her and now makes excuses like Laundry is more important.
Maybe that helps my previous post make more sense?
~Jamie

Jamie,

I am so sorry you had to go through that. Being adopted can be a blessing after the lose is acknowledged. But being abused is bad enough and being adopted adds another dimension on to it. It is NOT the same as being abused by biofamily.which is horrible in its self. i cna trully understand your confusion.

[longingtomeetyou]

makes me so sad to hear you all talking about your adoptive parents.....and abuse .....wow why adopt if your going to abuse the kids.....
im so sry to all who are dealing with hurts from abuse/controlling parents....

you would think most adoptive parents would want the adoptee/birthfamily happy and if reunion is what is needed embrace it ....interesting

[sister5]

Originally Posted by kune

Hi
I'm a birthmother (different perspective all round) and have been in reunion with my bson for 5 years.

I have always wanted to meet his aparents. I was sure that I would love them - not only for what they did for bson, but also for what they allowed me to be. I asked my bson in the early days of our reunion if he felt they would like to meet me. At the time they didn't. They found the whole reunion rollercoaster very hard to understand. But ........4 weeks ago, we met them on neutral ground - just them, myself and hubby, and somehow it made the reunion "right" His Mom and I are so similar and could easily be friends. They shared all his toddler and school-boy stories with me - some sad, some funny but every tit-bit was very special. I heard what I had missed, but also the family stories that confirm that he had a good life with parents who loved him, and allowed him to be who he wanted to be. And I am so thankful to his parents for sharing it with me. At the end of the day, his Dad pulled us into a group hug and said "We are G*****'s family" and I guess that is how we all felt.


Peace and Stephanie - have you thought about asking your aparents to join you one day when you are spending time with your birthmother. Chances are your aMom will be curious about the woman who allowed her to have a family that included you. AND....look what they have in common!!!

Merry Christmas everyone. I hope you all find Peace and Happiness with the friends and family who share this holiday season with you.

Ann

Hi there, reading this was really interesting for me. My mother adopted a child out over 30 years ago after me. Late last year the adopted daughter made contact. Things have been going well, slighty awkward, with a few complications, however this weekend my mum is going to meet for the first time ever her adoptive parents. Mum says to me, I feel funny when she calls them her parents as I am her real mother, I say that i understand that but as they have cared and raised her for the last 30 years, they are actually her PARENTS in every sense of the word even though yes you did give birth to her. It is a very complicated situation, I don't know how the weekend will go.