[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by MrsHoot

Scarlet - I just want to say that although I may agree with you on several of your points there is one comment in particular that I don't agree with..."Such was life in the time before the 1980s.."

I gave birth to BD in 1985 and things were no different then. Just because the number of the decade was different doesn't mean there was any more help or acceptance available nor does it mean that an adoption was any more socially aceptable because it happened post 1980...IMHO, we are all dealing with the same issues no matter what decade our children we born in.

True, depending of family, religion, large city or small town.

That in 1980 you were less likely to be put in an unwed mother's home, or incarceated in a juvenile facility for just being pregnant, that sort of thing happened in the years before 1980.. I know that in 1964, my mother could sign for me if I refused. I didn't know there was a court date. Someone I met once, went in my place. No one told me, I didn't know who she was or why she was asking me stupid questions, this one " do you play with stuffed animals?" No? my mother told her I did. No one told me I had 48 hours to get him back, when I asked my mother to take me back to the hospital to get my baby, she refused, then left me alone in the apartment.

I do know women who had similar stories in the 1980s, though far fewer then in 40s, 50s, 60s, and 70s.

But as much as things change, they seem to stay the same at some level.

[Peace.]

Thanks for that post scarlet...so when did things change (or have they?) what are aparents told now? Is perhaps the nwe open adoption supposed to make it all better?? I think that may be rather confusing to the child having 2 sets of families present....or in & out present. No easy answers with this of course!

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by Peace.

Thanks for that post scarlet...so when did things change (or have they?) what are aparents told now? Is perhaps the nwe open adoption supposed to make it all better?? I think that may be rather confusing to the child having 2 sets of families present....or in & out present. No easy answers with this of course!

I personally feel that even if fully open, or simi open that Aparents should always know how to contact.

There are different degrees of open.. some letters and pictures to the birthparent.. some back and forth.. some with visits..

All of this depends on the mental health of the both parents.. can aparents handle it? Can bparents handle it?
Does the bmom know she has no say, she isn't the parent? if yes, then things will go well.

I know aparents with open adoptions for 3 or 4 children. some have contact, some restricted contact. some of the kids were infant adoptions, some though foster care..

It is better then knowing nothing at all. For aparents they will know pretty much all health issues that may pop up later.

When I was 15 everyone in my family was healthy.

Later my dad had triple by pass, lost a leg. I told them there was diabetes in the family, the aparents were not told.

I met at a triad support group one adoptive mom and dad who had health issues with their Adaughter. The judge would not open the file to find out what it was. There were not sure their daughter would live pass 12 and no one would help them. That was 10 years ago, I hope they got into the records to find the bmom's family. To see if it was genetic.

So open is good, ok, and sometimes bad. But mostly, it is better then a life time of never knowing where you came from, or in the bmom's case, never knowing if your child is alive or dead.

A bmom I know in Canada, her sister was an amom, when the boy died at age 16 from a stupid teenage stunt, she refused to let her sister the bmom try and find the boys bmom.

So there is a woman in Canada who may dream of seeing a grown man someday, maybe grandchildren, and she has no idea the boy is dead.

I am half adopted (age 8), at least I knew who my dad was. At age 35, he adopted me back into my birthfamily.

I had many of the same issues that many full adoptees have.

Oh, my bson and his boys were here for thanksgiving.

We have a great relationship.

[SJ2461]

I was afraid to tell my parents, mostly my mom that I was in contact with my birth family. When I was young, adoption was something we talked about openly and often, but as I grew older it has become much less frequently discussed. I finally told my mom about my birth family and she became upset. I tried to reassure her that she would always be my mom, but she kept crying and seemed angry and sad. She said she always knew that either my sister or I would search for our birth families, but she had hoped that we wouldn’t. She told me that she didn’t want me to meet my birth mother yet and that she would let me know when she was ready. That was about 8 months ago and we haven’t talked about it since. I have seen my birth mother on 3 separate occasions, we speak on the phone about once a week, and our relationship is going great. It’s just not something that I share with my mom.

It wouldn’t be terrible to continue this way indefinitely. The only problem is that I am going to be married next year and that I would like my birthmother to come to my wedding. I don’t want to upset my mom but I know that if my birthmother was invited, my mom would not be comfortable or happy at the wedding.

I’m not sure that introducing them ahead of time is an option. I’m considering lying to my mom and telling her that my birthmother is a friend of my fiancé. I guess it’s either that or not invite her at all.

How would you handle this?

[Scarlet Moon 13]

Originally Posted by SJ2461

I was afraid to tell my parents, mostly my mom that I was in contact with my birth family. When I was young, adoption was something we talked about openly and often, but as I grew older it has become much less frequently discussed. I finally told my mom about my birth family and she became upset. I tried to reassure her that she would always be my mom, but she kept crying and seemed angry and sad. She said she always knew that either my sister or I would search for our birth families, but she had hoped that we wouldn’t. She told me that she didn’t want me to meet my birth mother yet and that she would let me know when she was ready. That was about 8 months ago and we haven’t talked about it since. I have seen my birth mother on 3 separate occasions, we speak on the phone about once a week, and our relationship is going great. It’s just not something that I share with my mom.

It wouldn’t be terrible to continue this way indefinitely. The only problem is that I am going to be married next year and that I would like my birthmother to come to my wedding. I don’t want to upset my mom but I know that if my birthmother was invited, my mom would not be comfortable or happy at the wedding.

I’m not sure that introducing them ahead of time is an option. I’m considering lying to my mom and telling her that my birthmother is a friend of my fiancé. I guess it’s either that or not invite her at all.

How would you handle this?

Your mother is a grown woman, she has always known this was a possiblity. Tell her what you have told us, then give her time to absorb it.

Reunion isn't as much about or for aparents, that doesn't mean they don't have stake in the outcome of the relationship. It means it is often something the adoptee needs or wants. It is unfair, and in a way selfish, ( please don't flame) for aparents to make it harder or impossible for an adoptee to do what they feel they need to do.

We let go when our children marry, take in new family, who are often strangers to us, and deal with it. It is the same in reunion. Only in reunion, the adoptee often has a higher stake in the whole thing.

You can pick your spouse, but you can't pick your family. For an adoptee the parents choose to adopt, the bparents may have chosen to relinquish, but the adoptee never had a say either way. Now it is their turn.

When the adoptee is an adult, then they should have the final say, and all the other people in their lives should honor that decission and find a way to accept it.

Not use tears or guilt to try and control them or the situation.

Teri (Scarlet)

bmom and adoptee lite

[Britt42]

SJ2461, I can kind of understand what you're going through. My amom is big on guilt trips. I've known my birth family for years, but have to keep everything separate. My birth family has been so nice to me and I feel so guilty that I don't invite them to any of my family events, when they invite me to everything. My husband doesn't get it. He insists I should get everyone together and get it out in the open, and if people don't like it too bad, but it isn't that easy. I guess I feel some sort of loyalty to my amom, even though we haven't had the greatest relationship. My kids are now in their teens and early 20's and I have a feeling one of my daughters will be engaged soon. It's all so complicated, isn't it? Good luck with whatever you decide to do. I guess, just invite your birth mother and your amom will just have to deal with it. Hopefully, some day I can take my own advice.

[erikamarie]

At first I thought my parents wouldnt understand me wanting to find my biological family. then when I found my brother and I was 100% sure it was him, i told my parents. my mom was so excited. she was a little disapointed that I didnt let her help me, but she was happy for me none the less. my brother was in germany in the service. he sent me contact info for the rest of his family, and they were excited to hear from me. we set up a meeting for the next day! i told my parents that night. they wanted to go with me. at first i didnt want them to, but as i look back on it, i am glad they were there with me. for the superbowl this year, my bfamily came and spent it at my house with my afamily. Both of my families are very understanding and i am glad that my parents were involved.

[PastorStephanie]

Erikamarie, that is so awesome that you were/are able to include both your afamily and your bfamily in things. That is such a blessing.

I have been thinking about the issue of "intermixing" afamilies and bfamilies quite a bit lately. My afamily continues the "don't ask, don't tell" policy towards by bfamily... which has been the case for a year and a half now. On the other hand, my bfamily is totally comfortable talking about my afamily.

I have been considering how much of my afamily's discomfort with my bfamily has to do with my own feelings on the topic. If I were to be 100% honest with myself... I would have to say that I want my afamily to be completely intersted in my bfamily and I want my afamily to want to talk openly with me on the topic but in reality, I only want the afamily to want to but I don't actually feel that comfortable sharing with them things within my bfamily. It is pretty twisted, I know.

I guess I wish that I was totally comfortable sharing things about my reunion with my afamily but I am not... rather than just want admiting that - I kept trying to force the issue- with myself and with my afamily. And I feel gulity that I am not able to be as open with my afamily as I know I "should be".

When I first posted this question a few months back, I thought the problem with communication was my aparents but I am now wondering if the problem isn't me... Does anyone else feel this way?

[erikamarie]

It goes back to the saying, you can lead a horse to water but you cant make him drink. There are things that my bfamily tells me that I don't always share with my afamily. It is hard. You can't force either family to want to know about the other. I am sure it will get better with time and as your afamily sees that your interest in your bfamily is not just a phase, they will come around a little more.
I hope it all works out for you.
~Erika

[zxczxcasdasd]

It may be a combination of both. It's certainly a normal thing to project our feelings onto others. If you feel guilty or uncomfortable- you may imagine it coming from them. If they sense your discomfort, they may think you don't want to talk about it.

Maybe you're each thinking you're doing what the other person wants. And knowing how it makes you feel uncomfortable, even though it's something you want, should give you a great frame of reference for understanding that it may be an uncomfortable thing for them to ask about.

Have you tried having a loving, but frank face-to-face on the subject with them?

[PastorStephanie]

Originally Posted by zxczxcasdasd

Have you tried having a loving, but frank face-to-face on the subject with them?

zxczxcasdasd,
I have tried to have many honest conversations with my afamily on the topic... they shut down the conversation almost immediately. They deny any concerns what so ever with my reunion relationship. They claim to "have no idea" what I am talking about. It is really strange.

Yet, I think that you are right... the problem is most likely a combination of their fears and mine. I want to want to share with them developments with my bfamily but I don't really want to because it feels so personal. But the afamaily doesn't want to admit anything is happening at all with the reunion... their denial makes it feel even more private. But at the same time that they are denying it is happening... they are pretending to be sickeningly open towards the bfamily. It is a strange balancing act... that drives me crazy.

I am always a "lets bring it out in the open and talk it all through" kind of person. I have gone this route with them about 4 times. The afamily can't do it... and at the same time, your suggestion that they are picking up on my hidden feelings on the topic is interesting. I appreicate your perserpective on the issue!

[zxczxcasdasd]

Ack! I HATE the "I have no idea what you're talking about" with a smile! I've had that happen and you sit there thinking "Am I supposed to act like you're telling the truth?"

Well, maybe they're covering their feelings thinking it's the right thing to do for your sake. That would be highly "parental." Even if you don't sense sincerity, the words themselves may be their best effort right now. And they shut it down from there because they just can't go beyond that. Or maybe you should just take them at their word and take them up on the offer of openness.

I really hate the whole "let's each pretend that nothing's bothering us" dance.

I know you're being thoughtful about this and I know you love them. Some things just can't be worked out with a conversation (as much as a talk-y person like me hates to admit that!). Some things just have to be lived out over time. Hang in there.

[keds]

I have to agree with Mrs. Hoot. No matter the year there will always be someone who looks down on you. My daughter told me tonight her close friend is expecting and I am so happy for her. Yet, there are others who wish she had taken another path. It is her decision not mine or theirs. Keep safe and all the best.

[kakuehl]

Hi, Another bmom chiming in here! As some of you know, my reunion has been an interesting journey. When I found D, I actually found contact info for his adad first. I emailed him (I think I titled it "Strange question from a colleague" since adad and I are both ELCA pastors.) I didn't put a lot of info in the first email, because I was only 99.99999% sure I was right (LOL) and because I didn't know what his reaction would be. When he responded, I gave him more info. D's aparents told him that I had contacted them. They gave him the info and left it up to him to contact me. His adad and I exchanged several emails and he gave me some info, but he wanted to leave it up to D.

D contacted me (10/3/05) the day before our joint birthday. Now that was a birthday present! We mostly emailed and IM'd until our first meeting right before Thanksgiving. D fits well into our family and the relationship has been comfortable from the beginning (getting less tentative!). He chose not to tell his parents we had met until after Christmas. (I figured it was his choice - but it was awkward, his Dad kept saying he thought D would be ready soon.)

I met D's adad before I met him. In one of the ironies of life, R is the pastor of the congregation where I grew up. I went "home" one day met R and had lunch with him.

It was clear from the beginning that the reunion was more difficult for D's amom. I think she could see wanting medical info, but nothing more. (The main reason D chose to wait until after Christmas to tell them.) I don't think it's been easy for her but she has been very gracious.

D invited me and my family to his daughter's first birthday party as well as his a family. I met his amom as well as his adad's sister. That was in March, for Mother's Day I sent S a card with a picture from the party, and told her how much I appreciated her being D's mother. (She told me later that she had shared it with a woman at work who was also an adoptive mother.)

R invited me to preach at "his" church which was fun. (We didn't announce our relationship since as he said, they really don't know D there.) My dad joined us for the second service and then we (and the organist?) went out to eat. Mostly though, we've met at D's home. We were all there on Christmas Day. I finally met D's sisters and brother-in-law.

I don't think that D has ever been very open with either of his parents so I don't know that he has shared too much of our times together with his parents. (Then again, his wife tells everything!)

I have made it very clear that I have no intention of (or desire to) take the place of D's amother. (even if D wanted me to!) I'm content to have my own unique place in D's life. I'm hoping it's a lifelong journey!

[kakuehl]

Originally Posted by DebsW

Hi Stephanie, I grew up in a home (adad was a minister) and both adad and amom said that they would help me find bfamily if I ever wanted to. Amom even pushed me to do it in my late twenties. Well, I am 12 months into a very successful reunion with both bmom and bdad. Amom pulled out of the whole situation about 4 months ago. Up until then I shared most of everything that was going on. She decided that she could not handle it and told me not to share anymore with her (my adad died this summer). I have honored her request, I do not share anything at all. She rarely asks me anything about it. I was heartbroken about it for a long time but now I am just angry with her. She is missing out on a fantastic time of my life (she even told an aunt of mine that she has never seen me so happy). There is a big rift in our lives now and I can't get past it. I have been keeping my concact with her to a minimum because I hurt so much after I talk to her.

DebsW

It seems to me that your mother is in the midst of grieving the loss of your adad. I suspect she is glad to see you happy, but it also reminds her how painful life is for her right now. Try not to let there be a rift. Why not write a series of "letters" to her sharing the things that you want to tell her. Then when she's at a "better place' in her life you could give them to her.

By the way, recognise that anger is part of grief too! Are you angry with her or with your adad for not being there either? (Just a thought!)

I'm glad your reunion is going well.