[AMom2Two]

Adoptee's I need your input so we can make a decision please, if you have some time.

This is the question....

If you were growing up in a home in which you have a adopted sibling, and found out you had a half-bio siblings that were born after you and placed for adoption also, would you want to have contact with this sibling?


We are being asked to consider establishing a relationship with our child's half bio-sibling that is due to be born this month. This child will also be placed with other people. The bmother did not ask us to take our child's half bio- sibling but is asking that we maintain a relationship with the new adoptive couple.

This is our child's bmothers second placement. MY dh and I wonder if we should open this door. We fear if we opened it for this bio. sibling, then, if and when she has any more children and if she places future children, then we would feel obligated to reach out to them all. We don't know how our child will take the news one day that they have a half bio sibling that was also placed but bmother did not consider keeping them together. Is this now our responsibility to have our children form a relationship with their half bio siblings?

We do have visits with their bmothers. We feel their bmothers can share that information with them without having to expose our children to more visits from people we do not know. We also worry about explaining this to our children at a young age. How do you explain half siblings and placing them with other people? I worry about what morals and values we will be teaching our children by opening the door to this. Our child's bmother is only a teenager. This will be her second placement.

So, I ask kindly again, if you had a half bio siblings out there, would you wish you had contact all thru your growing years, or would disclosure of this be okay at an older age. (when we can explain it better). We feel our children, both adopted, have each other as siblings right now. Let them grow up some and bond with each other first. Both of our children were adopted as newborns.

Please share your thoughts with us so we can make an informed decision.

How would you feel? Would you want to know this half sibling? Would you feel hurt that your bmother didn't consider placing your half sibling with you?

[lonni]

I would be upset that my half sib was not with me and my sib(lol,adopted sib) but you get the picture!!
This makes no sense to me.I would resent her probably for the split.

[AMom2Two]

JustMom

For your time and sharing your thoughts with us as we try to sort this all out.

[krielly]

I think I might feel poorly about not being raised together, but would feel more upset about not having the opportunity to maintain contact while I was growing up if the option were available.

I don't think there is a need to explain everything in great detail to a small child about adoption/birthsibs, and circumstances. I was in a closed adoption, but have known from such a young age that I was adopted, that I don't even recall my mother telling me. As I got older, and mature enough to ask more specific questions, I did, and that's how my mom knew I was ready for the answers.

I understand your concern, however to be honest, I think I would be even MORE resentful to find out later in life that there was an opportunity for a relationship with a birth sib, which was witheld from me until later on. You can't turn back the clock and get those years back of growing up knowing eachother..........

Just my honest opinion..............

Karen

[snuffie]

I agree with the others. One of the greatest joys in my life is getting to know my bsibs. There had been no chance of having a relationship with them when I was growing up, and that is a great regret of mine. And if I knew that the relationship had been possible but been denied, I would have been very upset.

You are in control of how much and when and where etc.
And like karen said there is really no need for long explanations. Children don't need them.

I know it is a difficult decision to make. Just one of many in raising children, I guess. And in the end, going with your "gut" feeling is good too.

Snuffie

[InionGrinn]

Originally Posted by AMom2Two

We don't know how our child will take the news one day that they have a half bio sibling that was also placed but bmother did not consider keeping them together. Is this now our responsibility to have our children form a relationship with their half bio siblings?

I know you are trying your best to protect your child from feeling hurt b/c their bmom didn't place their sibling with them...but IMO it could be a double hurt when your child finds out later in life that he had a sibling he wasn't placed with AND wasn't allowed contact with.

I think establishing contact with the sibling could be very beneficial to your child. The siblings could support each other's hurts (if they experience them) as they grow.

[AMom2Two]

Originally Posted by InionGrinn

I know you are trying your best to protect your child from feeling hurt b/c their bmom didn't place their sibling with them...but IMO it could be a double hurt when your child finds out later in life that he had a sibling he wasn't placed with AND wasn't allowed contact with.

That staetment just about clinced it for me.

I can't cause my child any hurt, disapointment or compound what he might feel.

Since some of you feel this way, I think my only option, is to embrace this half bio. sibling.

My new fear is this...will allowing bio. sibling relationships with the children effect their bonding toward EACH OTHER? I want them to feel like brother and sister too, not less then the bio. siblings. I think this is an irrational fear I may have, but I have to ask it, so please if you have an opinion, please share it with me.

THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR SHARING AND HELPING ME SORT THIS OUT. Your inpurt has changed my mind. Thank you for your time.

[InionGrinn]

Originally Posted by AMom2Two

will allowing bio. sibling relationships with the children effect their bonding toward EACH OTHER? I want them to feel like brother and sister too, not less then the bio. siblings. I think this is an irrational fear I may have,

Hey, don't fret about it being irrational. It's perfectly reasonable that GREAT moms sometimes overthink things!

My only experience with the siblings thing is that my abrother has full biosibs that he is in contact with. They have only had an adult relationship, but my bro's contact with his other sibs hasn't affected OUR relationship in a negative way at all. In fact, on some level I have gained some family members through his.

He and I share the same family memories, the same parents and all that goes along with being raised together. I don't think having "extra" bio siblings could detract from that bonding.

The great thing about having siblings is you can have alot of them and there's the potential to have different and good relationships with them all.

[AMom2Two]

Originally Posted by InionGrinn

My only experience with the siblings thing is that my abrother has full biosibs that he is in contact with. They have only had an adult relationship, but my bro's contact with his other sibs hasn't affected OUR relationship in a negative way at all. In fact, on some level I have gained some family members through his.

That gives me A LOT of peace.

Thank you! For the first time in a week, I'm starting to feel better about this. Thank you, so much, for helping me.

[Justann]

As an adoptee - and having two other adoptee brothers - we were all raised just KNOWING we were adopted. My thought is - knowing as early as possible aboput the other sibling will make it easier when older......secrets kept generally don't result in good.....but I could be wrong..?? I don't have any siblings out there no one told me about - I have my own situation I am dealing with, but just wanted to respond (smiles)

[thediva320]

I agree with the others, I would like to know my other siblings, if the opportunity is there. As an adoptee, growing up, I often wondered if I had any other siblings. (I was adopted with my bio-half sister.) When I searched, I found out I had two more half brothers, but they still lived with bmom.
I think that you have to do what you feel most comfortable with. If your adoptee is still pretty young, then consider swapping letters and photos with the other aparents until your adoptee is old enough to understand. If that is what you feel comfortable with. I believe that they deserve to know that they have other siblings out there and if you know where they are and how to contact them then that is even greater. Good luck.

[ladysapphire]

well i know that i have a btwin sister that was kept. i think it would be a good idea to look for your childs sibling but also retain caution. there are alot of things that could hurt your child when you go looking for there other sibling. It could also hurt many more people. just something to think about i guess.

Anna

[JanetM]

My birthson (4) and his sister (almost 1) are full bio siblings. We are in a fully open adoption. I have to admit that it broke my heart when my birthson cried during the last visit because he was afraid he'd never see his sister again. He was assured he would see his sis again and he was fine after a few minutes but still it broke my heart. There was a part of me that wondered whether saying goodbye to her was worth the heartbreak. Reading the various responses here though makes me realize that our original reasons for turning this from a semi to fully open adoption are right. A little hurt now is far better than a LOT of hurt down the road.

[Socrmom3]

As an adoptee, you've already "lost" the chance to grow up with your bfamily. By not allwoing them at least contact with bio-sib, you are taking that away too.

It is hard enough for me to know know I have 5 half-sisters I knew nothing about when I was raised as an only child. A rather LONELY only child.