[Shadowfaerie]

Hi,

I'm hoping to adopt an infant next year and my greatest fear is that one day when child grows up he or she won't think of my husband and I as parents. Won't come home for the holidays or consider us grandparents to his or her own children.

I have no problem at all pursuing an open adoption, but this idea that we won't be considered the parents to our child when he or she grows up is a constant worry to me.

I'm posting to adult adoptees to see how you feel about your adopted parents vs. your birthparents when it comes to holiday get-togethers and who is your own children's grandparents?

Thanks,
Dawn

[kelceesmom]

I'm an adoptive mom too and my philosophy is that if we are open with our children from the time they can understand the better. I don't think that will stop them from possibly wanting a relationship with their bparents either. You are who you are, love them for who they are, and that is all you can do. On a funny note boy are you jumping way ahead in life!! It is already to short so don't rush it. One day at a time and enjoy it. Good luck in your journey.

[BrandyHagz]

Dawn,

I don't consider my bmom a grandparent to my son, but not because I don't consider her a mom in any sense of the word...she's just never played that roll in my life or my son's life.

I do consider my amom my son's grandparents - but I don't have a mother/daughter relationship with her...not because of my being adopted tho, just because I've never been a daughter to her, by her own admission.

A lot will depend on your relationship with the child...if you treat him or her like your child, while still respecting the bond the child has with their birthparents, then I doubt you'll have an issue.

I am also a birthmom and with the support of my daughters amom, she calls me mom (it kinda makes me feel odd, but thats a different topic) - she, however, has no relationship with my amom or any of my extended family.

Its important to remember that adoption doesn't disolve the birthparent connection...and each adopted person will react to that connection differently.

Its also important to remember that those who are happy/content with their adoptions and have healthy well adjusted relationships with their afamily or both afamily and bfamily, most likely aren't posting here, because they have no need for adoption support

[Sniffles]

Originally Posted by Shadowfaerie

I'm posting to adult adoptees to see how you feel about your adopted parents vs. your birthparents when it comes to holiday get-togethers and who is your own children's grandparents?

I am an adoptee who just recently got in contact with my birth grandparents (b-mom wants no contact now). I have grown up in a wonderful home where my parents were always open about my adoption, my mom has even helped me search as I got older.

I have thought about this question since the holidays are just around the corner and I have come to the conclusion that I will spend them as I have always done in the past and that is with my a-family. My birth grandparents understand too. In fact we have planned our first f2f for the spring. Now I will get them something for Christmas and I will make sure that I call them.

I want to add that I have always considered my a-mom to be my mom. However the other day we were discussing my b-grandparents and she told me that I was lucky to have grandparents now because all of my a-grandparents have passed away. So I do consider them my grandparents and my children's great grandparents. I am glad that my mom feels the same way too.

IMO just be honest with your child and love them with all your heart.

[amytwice]

Dawn~
I am an adult adoptee and I am impressed by your concern and tenderness. Just being able to vocalize and recognize these worries and begin to try to take the right steps for you and your child tells me you are on the right track. You will do great!

Will your achild when they are grown want to spend holidays with their bparents? Who knows. But I do know you will be the one they are spending holidays with for the next several years. You will be the person making memories of family and starting traditions that make the holidays special. Unless your relationship suffers incredible setbacks I think you're holiday assured. I try to call, or stop for a quick hello or spend some time Christmas Eve with my bparents.

I think as far as being a grandparent goes it's the same. You will be the real parent. You will be the real grandparent. There is a connection to your birthparents. But you will be the day to day person who takes care and loves them. You will be their memories.
You cannot replace that with any birth parent no matter how good that relationship becomes.

Spend your time showing your love to this lucky baby. Spend time making them fell treasured and wanted and important. They will want the same for their children- to know you and how loving you are.

Wishing you the Best
Amy

[InionGrinn]

Originally Posted by Shadowfaerie

I have no problem at all pursuing an open adoption, but this idea that we won't be considered the parents to our child when he or she grows up is a constant worry to me.

I know that adoptees have different experiences, but I can tell you that in MY life the family that I "do holidays with" is my afamily. Of course, I have just re-connected with my birthfamily, and who knows how things will go ten years from now, but I will NEVER stop going to thanksgiving dinner at my (a)Moms. Hey, you could always have your adult children and the birthparents invited to the holidays with you, why not?!

I commend you for researching open adoption thoroughly so that you will be prepared and comfortable with it if that is how you choose to make your family. Your adopted child's roots will be important to him/her, but of course so will you!

[Shadowfaerie]

Thanks to everyone who responded. I think maybe the fact that my own parents are going to be grandparents for the very first time has lead me to think about this more now. I feel much more at peace with this issue after reading your responses. Thanks for taking the time.

Dawn

[mom2justynsarah]

I am a mom to both a bio and adoptive child. I used to wonder the same thing about my beautiful daughter. Would she consider me her real mother? Would she abandon me? Would she think of me any different as she grows up?

My daughter is only 2 years old. But let me tell you this. I AM my daughter's real mother. Yes, she has a birthmom (who I talk to her about). But the woman who she calls mommy and is bonded with is me.

When you are raising an adopted child (especially when they are with you since birth) they are your REAL children. I would never in a million years even think to call my daughter my "adopted daughter".

I can also tell you that if the the bond between mother and child is true and strong, nothing will ever break it.

If my daughter ever wants to spend time with birthfamily during holidays (when she is grown up), that's something I will have to deal with at the time.

But our relationship will always be open, strong and bonded. After all, I am her real mother.

[cantwait2bmommy]

Hey Dawn!

Dh and I are currently waiting on a referral from Guatamala so, although, I am not currently a amom, I can totally relate to your concerns. Early on in our decision making process I thought of all these things and my bottom line finally was that all the concerns I had about my adopted child were concerns anyone should have if they give birth, but frequently they don't.

People aren't concerned with whether or not the children they give birth to will spend the holidays with them, but you know what, they should be. There are plenty of people out there who can't stand spending the holidays with their parents or have cut them off completely. It seems to me that no matter how God brings your child to you, your number one concern is to help that little soul become a happy, healthy, well adjusted human being. Once you have done that you have hopefully have a human being standing next to you that you are proud of and who loves you, respects you, looks up to you and spends time with you because they enjoy it.

Best of luck!
Chris

[mom2GRLC]

I think a big part of raising children is just loving them with your whole heart, giving them a great foundation and then as they are ready to spread their wings being able to let them go.

lol....I think your biggest concern when it comes to future issues like that shouldn't be the birthfamily but your childs husbands family.

In the world we live in today with family moving all over the country or even world, it will be impossible for your child to be with you every holiday and by then their will be other realtives that need visiting other than just Mom and Dad.

As long as you raise your children with lots of love and the best way you know how your children will always know where HOME is. They will always see you as MOM and DAD because that is who you will ALWAYS be to them. But as our kids get older and get married they also get another MOM and DAD (a mother and father in Law) will they call them MOM and DAD (maybe). Will they want to see them a lot (maybe). Does that relationship diminish your role in your childs life? (No) You will always be the parent she grew up with. You will be in all her memories. Your influence on her will have guided her entire life, schooling, achievements, beliefs, gestures, figures of speech etc etc.

You will NEVER be the mother who gave your child life. But don't focus on what you won't be able to give your baby. Rather, focus on what you can give your child. On your special place as MOTHER/MOMMY in your childs life forever. A position that his/her birthmother will never be able to fill or take away from you, just as you can't take her place as birthmother to the child.

Just because your future child may call her mother-in-law "Mom" does not mean the mother-in-law will fill your place. They will have their own special connection. Their own special relationship and memories together. Just as a birthmom will have her own special connection, relationship and memories. She will never fill your shoes and your place in your childs heart.

But part of raising a child is allowing the child to grow up. To build relationships with others outside the immediate family, inside their extended family, community and the world. But if we give them a solid foundation they will always know where HOME is and know that they will always be loved and welcome there.