[tdmacke]

I was adopted at 15 months but at 5 years my amom got sick with M.S. and the courts took me away and put me into foster care. I spend most of the rest of my minor life with them and didn't return to my adoptive family until I hit 18 and graduated from high school. Since then I have married, had two daughters, divorced, and married again. The problem I am having is that I have never felt like I belonged to my adoptive family. My a/brother has harbored feelings of resentment because of the pain my mom went through when I was taken even though it wasn't my fault. My a/sister is all the rage with my a/parents and they can't stop talking about her to others. Often times when they speak of her they say our daughter, not our oldest daughter. And every time they do that it cuts like a knife and reminds me of all the years of bonding I missed with my a/family while i was in foster care. My a/sister is really sweet towards me and treats me the best she knows how. She is a very important person in her business. My a/brother is also closer to mya/parents. He lives a few hour's drive away but I never see or hear from him. When I say I feel like I don't belong I really don't feel it at all. My a/ parents rarely talk about me to others and when they do it is talking about the mistakes I have made. When they talk about my a/sister and brother they are usually braggin about them. Holidays are brutal because when memories are talked about I feel left in the dark because I don't have any memories of life with my a/family. My a/sister and mom always spend time in the kitchen during the holidays cooking and talking about stuff I can't share in. I wish I had a bond with my a/mom that my a/sister does. I live an hour's drive from my a/parents and I rarely get a email or phone call from them. I am the last to hear about any family announcements, and my a/parents are always spending time with my other a/siblings. My a/parents are retiring and moving to live in the same city as my a/sister to be nanny's to her kids. She can afford to pay them and still pay her own things. Anytime anything happens in the famliy I hear about it second hand. To top things off I have clinical depression passed down through my b/family. So, not feeling like I belong and not being able to bond with my a/family is compounded with the depression. My a/family has not really accepted my husband or my daughters either. In fact they never mention them to me or anyone else. My husband is eccentric in a good way. He came from a family that had two Navy parents so he has tons of military talk and characteristics in him. I love him none the less. But, I feel like my parents treat him and I different than my a/siblings family. I don't know how to handle this. I just want to belong to and have the bonds and memories that other families and siblings have. i really don't feel like I belong to any family right now. This christmas I will be spending with my in-laws who have been very accepting of me. I am looking forward to this trip and hoping that I will be able to form a bond/relationship and have some memories with them and somehow gain the family I never felt like I have had. Is this a common thing to experience or has anyone else delt with this and how did you handle it? Sorry to ramble on so much but I felt like the more info the better to understand.

[purplehaze_85]

Hello I am a 40 year old that has known my whole life that I was adopted. I was born on Oct 5 1966 and my parents brought me home on Nov 7, 1966. My mom did not take me out of the house for 1 year because she was terrified that someone would come up to her and say that is my kid and take me away. So my mother was very protective of me. My dad on the other hand has told me now that I am older that he only got me to shut my mother up. ( I love my dad he is the only one I know, but I have NO respect for him). Anyway...My older sister was not adopted she is there child. But when we were kids and when my parents were together, if I did something wrong she would get in trouble. They never once laid a hand on me, but my sister had it bad. I could never figure it out. So you would think that I would feel better then I did. I have never felt like I fit in. My mom comes from a very large family she is number 2 of 8 so we always had family around. Now that we are all older it has olny gotten worse. I have 2 other cousins that are my age. One was born in March of 66 the other was April o 66 and I was Oct of 66. When we were kids we all were really close. But now it is like they don't even know who I am. And yes it hurts. Because I went to school with the one had the same friends did everything together. And now it is like I don't excist. My mom and dad split in 79 and my mom remarried in 85. She lives in Tenn. and my dad lives in Florida. My sister was in North Caroline for 7 years and now she has been back home for about 4 or 5 years now. We are close but that is only because I will not let my nephews not know me. Does that make sence?? Anyway yes I believe it is common to feel like you don't fit in. My sister and I have completely differant memories of our childhood of when the parents were together. What I remember is not the same as what she remembers. Even as spoild as I am (and I was a spoild brat, still am really) I know things are not right. I know people feel differantly then the used to and I don't know why. Well I may know why but that is for a differant post.


Big hug and know you are not alone.

[Pinakitha]

I too agree with those who have said that it is quite common to feel this way.

Obviously, you will be a mixture of both your a & b families. However, you will have been raised with certain values and ideals by your afamily which may not tally with those of your bfamily. You may share interests with both families - or neither. This is normal too.

I was not adopted. However, I neither look like anyone from either side of my family (nor ancestors - from photos I have seen going back 100 years), nor do I share anyone else's talents or interests.

Like you, this did make me feel very odd and an 'outsider' when I was younger. However, as I grew older, I realised that this is just the way things are sometimes and that I was not 'odd' per se, simply not like other people in my family.

I don't know if it helps, but if you have friends and/or a partner/husband/wife etc, who share your interests, who love and acknowledge you, then at least you know you are not a freak and that there are other people like you in this world.

Other adoptees have told me the same as you - that they are not sure where they 'fit in'. However, some of them have, like me, come to realise that they are still special, unique individuals in their own right.

Whilst it is perceived as the ideal to have a lot in common with your family and to share the same interests, values and mannerisms etc, it isn't actually true. There are probably millions of (non-adopted) people out there who feel/felt like I do and, I assume, like you do too.

I do empathise with your feelings. I know it is hard to feel 'different' when you would so like to feel you fit in somewhere. However, maybe it helps a bit to know that this is not a situation that is unique to adoptees and that, most of all, you are not a freak nor are you alone in your feelings.

If both a and b families are happy to see you and respect your feelings and views, then I am sure that they all love you for who you are - even if they are a bit different from you and you are a bit different from them. This is what love is about. This is what friendship is about. After all, if we were all alike, then wouldn't the world be a rather boring place?

Value your individuality and teach others to respect it as you respect them. I am sure that if you can do this, you will find that you can still have a rewarding relationship with both a and b families that is mutually satisfying.

This is said with the best of intentions and with a heartfelt empathy for your feelings. I am only trying to help and, if I have upset you in any way, I certainly did not intend to. I am merely passing on to you what I - and others with similar feelings to both you and me - have discovered. I hope it helps you to find some way to come to terms with your dilemma as it has for us.

[tdmacke]

I want to thank all those that posted replies to my thread. Through my counseling I have come to the decision that instead of putting all my emotional energy towards an area where I am feeling nothing but pain and rejection and loneliness that instead I will be redirecting my energy towards my foster family who raised me from 5 yrs until I graduated from high school (19). They are who I have the memories and stronger relationship with. Unfortunately they live in the next state and I can't afford to fly and see them. But, i plan to write and call as much as possible. I will still chat and talk with others here on the website. But, just wanted you all to know how I was able to handle this.

[kakuehl]

It's always hard not to feel a part of your family. This can happen (as others have said) in any kind of family. I think your decision to reconnect with your foster family is a good one because you do share memories with them. Connecting and building memories with your in-laws will also help. Recognise that you can't change the past. You can only start where you are and move forward from there. Keep in contact with your asister, and keep the lines of communications open with the rest of your afamily.

It is important to mourn the family you didn't have; allow yourself to grieve and then find ways to move on in positive ways. (You're working on that!)

Do you know anything about your birth family or are you looking or interested in looking?

Remember as well, that holidays are difficult for many people. We set our expectations very high and want the ideal family Christmas... very few of us can achieve the ideal and there's a BIG letdown when it doesn't happen. Create your own traditions and memories for your children. In the process you'll make your own memories to cherish.

[Scarlett_A.]

Wow, I can only imagine.......though I can say that although I was raised in my family with 5 siblings, occassionally I just feel like, "Why can't we be like this family or that family? Where is the love?" I REALLY hope you are able to bond with your dh's family. It sounds like a good possibility. I know that for myself, I have decided no matter WHAT, we will begin our own traditions and form our very own family love and bonds. I am so sorry that you have such difficulty with your afamily. Everyone deserves undying, unconditional love.

[tdmacke]

Hi! Yes, the holidays can be brutal. As for my birth family I have met my bmom a few years ago accidentally. I wasn't ready but she was. It didn't go well for me but she was thrilled. Since then we correspond through letters. She divorced my bfather in the early 80s and after corresponding with him through letters I decided to discontinue that. Unfortunately one thing I may never be able to have that I long for is that bond and closeness of a sister or brother. I have a younger bbrother that I met when I was 16 and have never seen since then. We looked like twins. It was cool. I spent the majority of my life with a special needs foster brother. So, I have never been able to have a "normal" sibling bond and that is something I am jealous of others that do have that. It also gives me a sense of loneliness. My husband has three younger sisters but they live in Vermont so we rarely hear from them. But, he at least has that bond and memories. he has been a great support to me dealing with my emotions, rejections, and my depression and I thank God for him daily.

[kakuehl]

Is it possible to reconnect with your bbrother? I must admit it's been fun watching my bson connect with his 2 half-siblings. It seems to be far less mine-filled than the connection between the 2 of us. He has two asisters whom he loves (but who generally drive him us the wall with the competition that exists between them -- the youngest is a surprise(!) bio-child and the "princess" of the family.). D's personality fits very well in my family - not so much in his afamily. After his parents told him I'd contacted them, he looked up my parish webpage and was please to find someone he looked like.

Unfortunately, you can't reinvent childhood memories. You can only start from now. Depression of course makes it harder to move forward, but remember you do have a choice. Talk with your counselor about how to "reframe" your memories. Again, you can't change the past, you can build new memories and new relationships. (We can choose how we look at life -- is the glass half full or half empty -- but we may have to consciously choose to be positive each and every day.)