[emurf49]

I am new to this site but am hoping someone with a similar experience might be able to offer some advice. About 12 yrs ago I asked my a/mom for the name of my b/mom and she gave it to me no questions asked. She did say if i found anything out to tell her....and i didnt because i didnt want to hurt her since she was so sad and hysterical in giving me the name in the first place. So i carried the "secret" and a long distance relationship for a few yrs, but it was a bit overwhelming and so i eventually cut ties. In doing so i severed ties with 2 half brothers as well which i had quite a connection with.

Anyway, to my shock last week she tracked me down (after name changes of being married and a nonlisted number) and i felt more irritation and anxiety than happiness or excitement. I am extremely excited about reuniting with my 1/2 brothers...but that is different.

I feel some of my anxiety comes from this "secret" i have carried with me for all these years of contacting her, but to tell my a/mom & family wouldnt help solve anything.

I guess my issue before was not setting boundries with my b/mom, so she thought she had the right to dictate as to what our relationship would be about....and now married, with a family of my own i will not allow anyone to dictate to me. I feel selfish for finding out, bringing them into my life, and leaving, and she said she just wants us to be "friends". That to me feels like i am betraying my a/family. So needless to say i have this mixed set of emotions in wanting to have a relationship w/ my 1/2 bros but wanting distance from my b/mom...and then I have this big ugly secret.

I probably confused you if you got to the bottom of my post....but if anyone has advice or similar experiences i would love to hear about them!

[zxczxcasdasd]

My humble opinion...

You get to decide whom you welcome into your life and on what terms. Relationships must have mutual agreement of the "terms" in order to be healthy. You need not feel guilty for the boundaries you determine for yourself and your family.

Your mother can be sad and scared and still be supportive. Hence, her crying but giving you the name immediately when asked and asking to be kept updated about the results of your search. You can keep to yourself whatever you want, your life is your own business. But you may be assuming guilt about your parents that you need not be. For example, moms may cry (maybe even hysterically... ) on their kid's first day of school, graduation, leaving home, etc., but that doesn't mean that those are things kids should feel guilty about. Parenthood means joy and pain can be mixed up together in a lot of ways for a lot of different reasons. It may pain her that you wanted to do this, but it doesn't mean it's wrong or something she would wish you to feel guilty for, anymore than she would wish you to feel guilty about any part of growing up, becoming your own person, leaving home, etc. even if it made her hurt a little. My point isn't "you should tell your mother" but rather that you may be carrying a burden of secrecy that you need not carry. It might be that sitting down with your mom and being honest about everything (what has happened and why you didn't tell her before) will lift a huge weight from both of you: secrecy for you and wondering for her.

Of course, I'm assuming the best about your mom and for some people whose parents are truly unsupportive and angry because of their hurt, doing what I've suggested would not turn out well. But based on your post it looked like your mom was emotional but supportive and you assumed this guilt and this secrecy yourself because of that emotion you saw. You know your mom and your relationship with her. If you judge that this might be something you could both handle and might actually help you- it might be worth a try.

It also sounds like your bmom understands that you felt overwhelmed with her control of the initial contact and wants to open it to you on your own terms this time; "as friends" is probably her way of saying "no expectations".

Maybe this can be a second chance for you on both ends to deal with this on an entirely new level and hopefully with a better result for you.

[emurf49]

thanks for the feedback Heidi! You make some really good points and I definitely plan to think this out the best way I know how before I make a decision one way or another. I am secure in my relationship with my mom and very close, so the burden of guilt i carry is to protect her but like you say, may be unnecessary. The other end I need to think about is how she will feel if somehow she discovered this on her own, and then not only would it be a burden to me but she would feel that i was disloyal to her in our "agreement" to share information found. Anyway i appreciate your input, so thanks again!

[zxczxcasdasd]

I hope it all goes well. Do keep us updated!

[Pinakitha]

Loyalty to aparents? I am not sure how many of you know that, according to research carried out on all parties of the adoption triad, most aparents are NOT as devastated by their achild wanting to have a relationship with their bfamily as the adoptee believes.

Perhaps this is because the aparents love their adopted child and, if you really love someone, you want their happiness above anything else. I am sure that most aparents might have apprehensions and concerns about the outcome of reunion on their child; however, if the reunion actually makes that child feel more fulfilled and increases their happiness, then I am sure that most of them will be pleased for their achild.

Obviously, there will be some aparents with 'issues', or who do not feel able to have such generosity of spirit. They are only human, after all. Nevertheless, I do not think that at least 95% of adoptive parents are going to disown an adopted child or 'reject' them simply because they feel a need to connect with their bfamily.

BTW - it IS possible to love 2 sets of parents. It is also possible to call both sets of parents 'Mom & Dad' (or variations on that to distinguish between the 2). Surely such relationships only increase love (when they are approached by both parties with sensitivity, compassion, patience and understanding) and offer you, the adoptee double the love and attention that you had previously?

Adoption is always a very complex issue and many emotions come to the surface during reunion. However, to cut someone out of your life with no regard for their feelings, simply to assuage the perceived feelings of someone else, seems to me a very cruel and thoughtless thing to do.

Obviously, some people may not agree with me. These are merely my thoughts. Nevertheless, it would be nice if all concerned in reunion could think more positively and work towards integration and an increase of love rather than seeing it as an 'all or nothing/black & white' situation.

[lonni]

I am both adopted and admom. Can you ask your admom what pain she feels about you meeting?Since she asked to be informed (but was upset) my guess is FEAR ;~((
She fears that your love for her will lessen.So can you make her a part of it?My 2 moms are friends.My son's mom and I are friends.(dads too) and move slowly and establish a new extended family of sorts,similar to inlaws.Works wonderful for us,although bumps along the way-just like INLAWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[dmca]

I do believe honesty is the best policy. There is no reason to build up your natal mothers hopes. You should, IMO, be straight up about it and honest, so she has no expectations from you at all.
Having said, be kind about it, say "perhaps in time" but " not right now" or something like that. Never know if you will change your mind in the future.
As far as "dictating terms" WHO is to do that? The child? The adult? IMO, NEITHER. IT'S A MEETING OF HALF WAY WITH ACCEPTABLE BOUNDARIES ON BOTH SIDES. no one person "trumps" the others persons needs or wants. WHO OWES WHO WHAT? Remember a bit of sage advice I read " Do unto others as you would have them do unto you".
Well, that's my two cents and not a command, just my feelings on the matter
dmca

[Lynard1210]

Pinakatha, I agree with your post. Although we don't know the a-mom in question, the adoptee in this situation is taking on the responsibility of her a-mom's feelings, which is really not her burden to carry.

I totally understand the loyalty and when I began my reunion, I had not planned to tell my a-mom in the beginning because I needed time to process it on my own. Because of some financial circumstances, my a-mom moved in with me, so i could no longer hide it. I told her and she was threatened but supportive. (I'm also 40 years old . ... which i believe played a factor).

It sounds like in the beginning of the exchange of information of the birthmom's name, the a-mom was laying out an expectation that her daughter communicate all information to her. Although, clearly she had a right to be emotional, she did not have a right to expect that the adoptee share any information with her. Would it be nice to communicate openly about it? Sure .. . but we don't live in a perfect world. The loyalty issues adoptees feel run deep . . .so deep that we end up taking on the full responsibility of burdens that were not ours to carry. Don't forget - adults made decisions for each of us - that we had no control over - similar to a divorce. So, my view is, and this may not be hugely popular, that each person in the triad is responsible for their own feelings. The adoptee is not responsible for the reaction of the a-parent. Not to say, that the adoptee couldn't gently share limited info and reassure the a-parent that she will always be mom and that you love her very much.

I have had a lot of people say to me, "aren't you worried your mom is upset that you found your b-mom" . . . there seems to be this assumption amongst many people that we are doing something wrong by looking for the lost connections and biological ties that we are entitled to (assuming our birth families are willing).

Any adoptive parent that goes into adoption not recognizing that information and love from the birth family are the child's birthright, is kidding themselves. And to play the loyalty trump card is not love ... it is control.

[kakuehl]

I am a birthmom, so I come to this from a different place, perhaps. I do agree with the others that often we view our parents as more fragile emotionally than they are. Sometimes our attempts to protect them backfire and they are more hurt that we didn't trust them with our "secrets." D and I first met f2f right before Thanksgiving last year and he chose not to tell his parents until after Christmas. I was uncomfortable with that especially since his Dad and I were in contact by email and R kept telling me that he thought D would be ready to meet me soon.

At this point, we've all been together several times and I think his Mom is more comfortable with my presence in his life. My goal is to let D set the limits on our relationship. I hope he will not cut off contact, but it is his choice. He has developed relationships with his 1/2 siblings that are apart from his relationship with me. I would hope that you can have a relationship with your brothers.

Personally, I'm not comfortable with secrets in my life. You can tell your mom about your bmom finding you and wanting to be friends without telling her about the past. You might also ask her how she feels now about you building a relationship with your birth family.

Do know that what ever you decide to do, this is a place you can come to for support.

[emurf49]

I appreciate everyones kind words, opinions, and support. I do agree that you can have and love two sets of parents, but being a bmom doesnt make you a parent, and doesnt require the child to love you. When an adopted child looks for answers to their past, family history, etc, in no way can anyone anticipate the outcome or where relationships will end up. There is a "bond" to some degree, but personality wise, needs wise, etc there are many other variables that make up this truely complex relationship. I enjoy my 1/2 brothers, and our bond is unique and hard to explain since I have never felt that before, even with my a/sister that i have known since birth. I too dont want to live a life of lies, however telling (and hurting) my a/parents will serve no purpose at this point. My bmom lives 2000 miles away, and it is a life of chaos and instability, and the "friendship" she wants is for us to talk daily and be best of friends. Unfortunately that is not what I want, and I am on the other side of the equation. Maybe it was unfair of me to seek her, but not wanting a relationship with her isnt out of respect for my a/parents, but we honestly have very little in common other than genetic makeup and DNA. In any "other" situation she is not someone that I would have in my life, so why does having a biological bond make it any different? I guess if there was a handbook when I was a teenager and made the first contact with her that spelled it all out for me it would have been easier to figure out. <SIGH>

[kakuehl]

How do your half-brothers deal with their mom?
Unfortunately there's no handbook for lots of things (either that or I get the book for the wrong model!)

[emurf49]

Hi Kathy,

They actually have limited contact with her and recommend that I just set some limitations. She calls the youngest (who is in his early 20's) every hour some days. Part of it is due to mental illness, as she has been diagnosed but wont take her medication. Either way, the boys totally understand how on outsider looking in is effected, and fully support me whatever my decision yet still want us to have our own contact/seperate relationships with each other.

[kakuehl]

Unfortunately your bmom sounds like she's very needy (and toxic!) I think your brothers have the right idea. Unless she takes her meds, it sounds like she's incapable of a "normal" relationship. How sad.

I hope you will continue to build your relationships with your brothers. I really think at this point, that if there were a fallout between D and me (I don't anticipate that happening), he and my other two would continue the relationships they have begun.

[emurf49]

Yes, I am a very independent individual and she is very needy. The older brother is also diagnosed but takes his meds so he can actually give me insight into her thoughts since he knows what its like on the other end. My husband even commented that if it were any other situation she would be the type to drive me crazy and whom I would avoid. Unfortunately she has made this an "all or none" situation for me, and left me no other option but to lay it all out and hope that I dont have to change my number....I guess I expected to find someone similar to myself whom I could share with and develop a friendship with, not complete polar opposites. If I had the knowledge I have now ten plus years ago, then maybe things would be different. A positive thing is the relationship with my brothers, so everything happens for a reason. Live and learn...