[everempty]

I am a 38 year old 'adoptee' (God, I even hate using that term!).

I was adopted as an infant, and was told of my adoption when I was about 3 years old. My aparents already had one biological daughter when they adopted me, and soon had a biological son following my adoption.

I recall the day I was told I was adopted so clearly - it is the day my world fell apart.
I was told i was 'special', 'chosen' - all the old cliche's - so why did I feel so utterly sad and confused?

I don't think it helped that my 'brother;' & 'sister' were both my aparents' biological children. Not only was I stuck in the middle, so dealing with good old 'middle-child-syndrome', but children can be very cruel, and many a time I stood with defiance in my eyes as they repeatedly told me how they wished mum & dad had never got me & wished I would go back to the orphanage - nice! As I grew up,I was told that my agrandmother (a staunch Irish Roman Catholic) had resisted my aparent's adoption plans, and it was made very clear that in her eyes, I was not part of the family.

Anyway, at the risk of falling into a pit of self-pity, the story at the moment is that, I met my birth mother when I was 18.

It was an emotional meeting and one which I had longed for for as long as I could remember. She had given birth to me at the age of 15 after being sent away to an unmarried mothers home, as was the practise in those days. To her family, of course, the story was that she had been taken poorly and was going to stay with some distant cousin in the country to recover! She had not married my bfather, but had continued to see him for a further 4 years after my birth. She was married with three small boys, who have grown up knowing that I am their 'Big Sis', and things for the last 20 years have been relatively pleasant between us all. Of course there is the odd family occaission that I am not invited to, and yes, it hurts, but I try not to let it eat me up. I have wasted enough tears and anger over the years.

My aparents have been supportive, but I am always very cautious not to hurt their feelings, and feel guilty whenever my bmother comes to visit. I almost feel like I should hide the visits from them, but have not done so. In fact my bmother is very good, and always makes a point of popping in to see my aparents while she is here. It must be very strange for both of them, and yet it is something that none of us talk about.

My 'brother' & 'sister' & I, are not too close, however we do see each other & I do think of them as family to a degree. The problems are on my part, I know, and I do distance myself from them. I don't know why I do, but there you go! They both have children, but neither of them has ever explained to their children that I am adopted, and have certainly never told them about my 'other mum'. When my niece stayed with me recently, she seemed quite perplexed when going through my photo albums, that I had this whole seperate family to the one she assumed I was in. I guess that is the crux of the problem - I don't quite fit into either, and I have no real sense of 'belonging'.
This is no reflection on my aparents - although they did say things that cut me to the core sometimes. An argument would occur in my teens, and they would respond 'Although you're not our real daughter............', too late - it had been said. The rest didn't matter. I'm sure they said really positive things too, but somehow it is always the hurful things that I recall.

Anyway, I am rambling! I was hoping to go and stay with my birthmother this Christmas - the first Christmas I would have spent with her, and my new step-father. Last night, my (lovely) new step-father rang to speak to my husband, and we are NOT going for the holidays.

Why? Not because we are not wanted by my bmother, but because my bgrandmother will be there, with her new boyfriend, and she hasn't told him about me!! He is a 'man of the church' and she doesn't want to tell him - obviously because despite being welcomed by my bmother & her boys, my b-uncles etc - I am still a sordid, dirty little secret that she wishes she could just brush under the carpet! I am So incredibly upset, and dissappointed.

My husband asked if I was angry - & although perhaps I should feel an element of anger (perhaps towards my bmother - why didn't she stand up to her mother & say tough!), or perhaps towards my bgrandmother (for her short-sighted & bigotted views), I'm afraid that all I feel is alone. Alone, small and so not special.

I do feel some anger - anger at the word 'adopted'. I hate it HATE IT HATE IT!!!!!!! I wish I had never heard of it. I feel re-rejected all over again.

So many feelings I had supressed & learnt to live with for so long, have all re-surfaced & I feel totally torn apart.

I keep trying to be logical and am trying to tell myself, this is not my problem, it is my bgrandmother's problem, but it is affecting ME and hurting ME. Just like it always has.

I will have to explain to my kids why their mom isn't quite good enough for them to be able to spend the holidays with their Nana.

So, you are not alone FireMedic - but yes, you are. We all are.
I know I am.