[Mom2be9257]

I have been reunited with my birthmom for 8 years now. It's weird, because she's not my mom, but she's more then a friend. Hard to put into words.

Anyway, she and my adoptive parents do not get along at all. They have a very bad history, and it's clouded everyone's judgment. My parents banned her from our wedding, and don't want ANY involvement with her whatsoever. Being that she is apart of my life, I do want her to be involved in my children's lives (I am due in April with our first child). This is not only going to kill my mother but I am also terribly afraid that this will ruin my relationship with my parents. I mean, some things (like births, baby namings, etc) simply cannot be separated. I guess a large part of it is that I feel torn - between loyalty/respect for my parents and the right to have my bio mom apart of my life. I'm sure that my parents never believed in their wildest dreams that this would be happening. Truth is, no matter what I do, someone gets hurt. And that's what I hate.

So ... do I wait until this issue surrounding who is invited to this hospital comes up, or am I proactive and write my parents a letter, stating that they are my parents and always will be - and even though she isn't apart of their lives, she is apart of mine?

The other half of this dilemma is .... how do I put my bio mom in her place? We've had repeated conversations over how I don't feel she is my mother, and she just left a message on my mother-in-laws machine stating that she is my "other mother". Should I left her go on thinking like that? I am not sure why it bothers me so much, it just does. ANy help/thoughts are greatly appreciated.

Thanks in advance

[bromanchik]

It is so hard to have split loyalties. I would write a letter to both parents explaining how you feel and setting boundaries. If your birthmom refering to herself as your "other mother" is offensive, that needs to be discussed. Your quote "they are my parents and always will be - and even though she isn't apart of their lives, she is apart of mine" is a perfect way of putting it.

Can I ask what the "bad history" is? Have people changed? Any chance of them forgiving each other for your sake and moving on?????

[dpen6]

I had the same question as Brenda....WHY are they not getting along? Why are they demanding loyality and Bmom calling In laws....I see huge crossing of boundries here just based upon what you have said.

You are nobody's possesion, you are an adult and about to embark on your own mother thing. I thinks its good you are trying to get this resovled before your child is born. It sounds like its going to take lots of strenght to sift through all the stuff to find out whats best FOR YOU and your new little family. Nobody can tell you how to feel, and their should be absoutly no manipuations from eoither set of parents for your feelings. You will hear BUT..I love you...from both.....LOOK what I have done for you......DON't you understand how I feel....when in reality, you have to do whats best for you.

Keep talking, maybe some counselling to help sort it out.....

I really wish peole would understand what they are doing to others with their possesion attitudes.....

I want to say to both your "mothers" back off and let the girl live in realtive harmoney...

GEESh...I feel for you

[Baby Melissa]

I wish I this wasn't the truth, but my story is so similar it's scary. I'm almost 7 months pregnant with my first, and I've been in reunion w/ my birth parents since December. I can't say the same for my birth mom (she knows her boundaries) but my amom is SOOO JEALOUS and insecure of my relationship with my bfamily. It's becoming a bigger problem now that I'm about to have a baby. I'm an only child (my parents couldn't have children) so as is the story of my life, all her attention is on me. Ugh.
I like the idea that parents don't own their children, but I'm riddled with such GUILT when I get emails from amom asking if she'll be considered my child's grandmother b/c she's not biologically related. I'm trying to go with the theory that I can't control other people's actions, only my own, but the GUILT is terrible.
Question for you: do you have siblings? Are your aparents threatened of your relationship w/ your bmom?
I'm sorry you're going through this. I see a therapist, and it's very helpful.
Please keep us posted.
Karen

[Jackiejdajda]

IMO some actions have consequences.. Yes some women were forced to give their babies up for adoption.. and yes some women consider the child they gave up their child for ever an ever.. but wishing something were real does not make it so..

Having a baby is a very intense thing.. splitting your loyalties is robbing yourself of something very very important..

I agree with dpens.. “You are nobody's possesion.”

Some women will say they love the baby they gave up for adoption.. they love that person more than words itself..
But I wonder.. Some of these women are in love/hate with what happened.. some women are stuck in a place of going in circles.. wanting what can not be.. I think some of this also applies to adoptive parents.. Adopting a child has consequences.. I was told in the old days that I would never see my son again.. and I am sure some adoptive parents were told that it was best to pretend the birthparents away..

Its all old school and you are suffering (maybe) the consequences by being robbed of one very very important time..

I threw my husband out of the labor room when I was having my second child..(I was drugged for the birth of my bson)
I needed to be alone when I dealt with the labor.. I did not need anyone interloping what I was into or going through..

Give yourself that right.. and stand back and really look at what is going down..

Jackie

[Patty-cake]

I can't advise you on how to get your aparents and bmom to get along. It seems to me like they should try for
your sake. But you have a right to have who ever want with you at this time. As a bmom I would not expect to be invited to the hospital but be pleased to go if invited. I wouldn't want to add stress at a time like this. If you said "I want you to come to the house X days after I come home." It would be understandable but if you want her there just tell your aparents. You are the one giving birth!
I say the decision is totally yours.

One thing you cannot change is how your bmom feels about you. She may never be a mother to you but to her you will always be her daughter. That is just a fact. You can be a friends. She can control certain impulses around you because it is the right thing to do- but really what is the harm in telling your mother-in- law that she is your "other mother?" Was your mother-in-law ofended?

[Patty-cake]

I can't advise you on how to get your aparents and bmom to get along. It seems to me like they should try for
your sake. But you have a right to have who ever want with you at this time. As a bmom I would not expect to be invited to the hospital but be pleased to go if invited. I wouldn't want to add stress at a time like this. If you said "I want you to come to the house X days after I come home." It would be understandable but if you want her there just tell your aparents. You are the one giving birth!
I say the decision is totally yours.

One thing you cannot change is how your bmom feels about you. She may never be a mother to you but to her you will always be her daughter. That is just a fact. You can be a friends. She can control certain impulses around you because it is the right thing to do- but really what is the harm in telling your mother-in- law that she is your "other mother?" Was your mother-in-law ofended?

[jenn_e_ritter]

Your bmom was the first person you ever knew. She was the one who held you for 9 months. I think your aparents are forgetting without heror your first father, you would not be around. People will get hurt in this situation. I agree with Jackie. You have every right to make your own decision. Do not do it for other people. Do not let your fear over power what you want. It is your life, not thiers.

[Mom2be9257]

Firstly, thank you all for your responses. And btw - "put her in her place" - that came out wrong!!!

Okay, so ...

Momof4 - My husband agrees that bmom should be apart of what is going on in our lives and our child's life.

BRomanChik - Apparently, a lot of stuff happened when I was still a baby (bmom knew where we lived, a restaraining order was taken out against her). So, I do not know alot about that and it's their word against hers. More recently, last year, DH (dear Husband) and I wanted bmom invited to our wedding. My parents banned her from everything but the ceremony. Then, she threw us an engagement party and invited my aparents, who threw a fit and said no to her even coming to the ceremony. At this discussion, my aparents informed me that she is evil and they will not participate in anything that she is apart of.

Dpen - My bmom has met my In Laws a few times. They get along on the surface, but don't know each other super well.

Baby Melissa - The guilt is what kills me, too. No one has offered to throw me a baby shower, so Bmom and MIL set it up. Last night, my amom asked me about one, and this morning I had to tell her that one was being planned. That I would LOVE for her to do another one, and that I would love for her to attend the other one as my MOM, but I was still shaking and wanted to go throw up in the bathroom after I hit send.

Patty Cake - MIL was not offended ... but Bmom and I have had this discussion several times ... over what she is to me. I don't consider her my mom is the sense that she didn't raise me. She is my bmom as she gave me life. However, she wants the other side. She yearns for it. So she tells me how well she knows me, and she tells everyone that she is my mother. Not B mom, just mom. It's so hard, because what do I let her be apart (versus not) of that would define her true role?

*whew* LOL

[bromanchik]

You are the knot in their tug of war. It is just not fair to you. As far as a restraining order is concerned... back then most adoptive parents were freaked and threatened by any contact and the courts tended to agree with hem. They still do as a matter of fact. So your bmom could have made an inocuous phone call and it might have sent them over the edge. Given how they react to anything she does for you (including wanting you to have an engagement party and a baby shower) it would not surprise me that any contact she made when you were a baby was seen as extremely threatening. Can i ask how old you are now?

You should not have to walk on eggshells with the ones you love.

[hello&goodbye]

why don't you ask someone in your family like a aunt or someone about this time when a restraining order was issued. I believe you should know some more about this before you go any further. maybe it was just a phone call, and you parents overreacted, who wouldn't? But perhaps there was something more happening there, you really should find out more on this, for your own sake and safety.

[Mom2be9257]

Broman - I am 27 years old. Yes - 27. And still dealing with this stuff!!!

Actually, my amom handled the baby shower pretty well. She said that she knows this child is going to have 3 sets of grandparents, but she is going to love it, and raise it and be it's grandma. We'll see what really happens when push comes to shove, but it's a start.

As for the hospital situation, we finally came up with a good solution. We think Post delivery, it will be just me, my hubby, and the baby. Once we get home, we'll in vite my inlaws and my parents, then a week later, my bmom can come. I know that she may be disppointed that she may not see the baby right away, but we vowed to keep seperate what we could keep seperate.