[reunionspouse]

Dear Unklier:

DCMA gave you some great advice. Include them all whenever you can, ask to be alone when you need it : )

I know just what you are talking about with your siblings. Bson in the beginning was very rough and competitive when ever we played games, sports etc., several times I had to ask him to take it easy. In the end I just walked up and gave him a hug and told him I knew it must not be easy to see them being raised by his bdad and wife and have a life that he never got to know. He was really surprised that I figured it out. After that it has not been a problem but it is still underlying at times.

He would like to move his whole family to where we live so he can be nearer to his bmom and bdad and siblings. We are still trying to see if it is feasible……changing jobs, schools for the grandchildren, wife ….the whole move would be overwhelming and expensive. We are not talking across country we are talking across the ocean.

I would like tell you that by recognizing and being able to define the emotion ie: jealous, you are one step ahead in the game. You can make it work in your favor.

Good luck with meeting your bdad.

Karen

[reunionspouse]

Hi All’

On our first date my husband did tell me he had son and he had been given up for adoption. That was the only words ever spoken for about 10 years. Then Bmom returned to get married and we actually had lunch and met for the first time. We did not really speak of it again until we got the reunion call.

There is pain involved in all of our situations. Yours M4/5 came from not knowing and mine came from the fact that my husband actually got to see his son, visited with him, held him, fed him met with the social worker and thought his son was coming home. He was given up without his knowledge, consent or even an acknowledgement from the court. It looked like he had abandoned his son. He did not. He grieved for many years about his inability to change anything and the lack of support he had. Teen pregnancy is hard on everyone.

I give you credit for your honesty. For you to be able to admit all of your feelings will make you stronger through it all. We all come to these forums looking to vent and needing support. I am still here because I still need it too, the problems never go away they just change into something else.

Whether or not the pregnancy was accidental, when you are a teen most times it is, they still had to have some feelings for each other. All of those feelings were crushed when bson did not come home.

My husband has a saying, please do not take this the wrong way.

“it is better to have the skunk in the tent peeing out than outside peeing in”

I apply it all the time in many situations and it even gives me a laugh when I do not think I have one inside of me. Better to know all of the players and feeling up front so you will not be surprised again.

Bson loves the fact that we all get along. It makes it easier for him not having to play both ends against the middle……not having to wonder how to visit us and split his time. We have a bigger house so they stay with us, they come and go as they please…or we have planned activities, together and apart. Bmom has cooked in my kitchen but I will tell you that she is wonderful in her own right to have made it all work and share. She and her husband have the utmost respect for the emotions at work.

If bmom had not called to say she had heard from the agency we would not have known at least for awhile as bdads name appeared nowhere in the paperwork or the birth certificate. Her own guilt has weighed on her for many years.


My husband has said from that first phone call that the past is the past…he cannot change it…..so he will make the future the best one we can.

I am blessed. I know it.

We promised to always have an open line of communication husb and I, to share the feelings, good and bad. He includes me in everything and I him.

We make as many decisions as we can together. I am usually more generous than he is. So it is a win win situation.

Of course we have cried and I have ranted and I have had stomach aches and headaches about doing the right thing….it is normal…..my husb has had the same feelings and we just keep right on coming back to the same solution…. The greater good outweighs most every time.

Love is a powerful thing.

Karen

[dmca]

sorry If I posted this before. Chalk it up to age, if I did.
I do hope that when your spouse or you meet with the "other birth parent" the spouses accompany you, for moral support.
The one thing that you ( or the spouse) will have in common with the other birth parent FOR LIFE, is the child. It would be much easier, I imagine to have a good relationship with the other birth parent, when decisions have to be made, such as events where you both ( and spouses) will be present.
I know the "family " keeps growing. The other birthparent, their spouse, their other children and LEST WE FORGET, the parents of the child to begin with. It's not so bad, I don't think, love can spread and spread to include a HUGE amount of people . Juli, if your husband is going to meet with the bmother, why don't you go along and have your husband ask the bmother to bring along her spouse? Maybe he is feeling some jealousy too. Never know.
Oh my, then meeting the childs parents and siblings( the four of you). wow.
Huge amount of people again. ah well, I firmly believe that love ( of the child) is what matters.
Take your time, step by step and remember that you're not in this alone.
dmca

[dmca]

sorry meant the husband of the bmother. Guess that isn't going to be a problem.
dmca

[reunionspouse]

Dear M4/5:

The shock of your news is just that shock. But when the child returns the feelings are all bubbling to the surface. I have tried many times to place myself in bmom's shoes. I know I could never have given up my child but......I was also 26 when I had my first one. I got to call the shots. At 15 her choices were not the same ones I had.

I agree with DMCA about the going along.....I even suggest it for your children as things go along.

Bson..His aparents: His mom passed away shortly before he found us. She gave him all of his paperwork long before and asked that he find us. They had many conversations about it....she gave him her blessing to do it.
His dad: they were divorced when he was 2. Never saw much of him and had not seen him in more than 10 years when he came to the funeral. bson was pretty much raised by a single mom.

I am so glad that you have your sense of humor.

Good luck.

Karen

[shadow riderer]

Hey Julie (M4/5) I’m glad you are a little excited. Relax, she isn’t the enemy. (not saying that because I think that’s what you think, just as a reminder) She’s just a person, who happens to be your husband’s daughter. She is probably just as nervous about whether or not you will like her. I think it’s wise that you and hubby take this slowly. I jumped in head first, eyes closed. Within a week of getting the DNA results, I told everyone in my entire family, adoptive and bio, about contacting my Bdad. Sheesh! What was I thinking! So, not only did I have my own emotions and issues to deal with, I had everyone else’s as well. Things got really crazy and it was pure hell, especially since not everyone was quite as thrilled about my contacting my dad as I was and he was. Ahhh, hindsight is 20/20, but diving in head first is just my way. Lol

If any of those feelings we’ve discussed here just happen to start eating at you, try your best to fight them back. Even though Bmom may play a role in things now, that will probably fade as your husband and his daughter get to know each other and time goes by. It did for me and my Bdad. My relationship with my dad is just that, “mine and his”. As questions got answered and issues were dealt with, Bmom became less and less of a topic of conversation, and the focus turned to just getting to know each other. Besides, from the description of your family, there is no doubt in my mind that your husband would not allow anyone in to your lives whom he thought might hurt his family. Trust him, and give him time and space to get to know his daughter. I’m sure everything will work itself out. You will be fine and possibly even find a new friend? I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you. Let me know how it goes. Good luck.

[susan m sowell]

Idont think that`s bad it`s honest &if the fealings are notesed by siblings than explane to them your pain

[dmca]

Feeling bad today and helpless. My daughters mother is in her late seventies and in the hospital. It's an intestine problem that I hope works out well.
I love the woman , how could I not? She's part of my daughter, and besides, after meeting her, how could anyone not like her? I feel so blessed to have met her and be accepted by her. She's a remarkable woman.
Oh well, poor me, pass the chips for the "pity party".
I sure hope everything turns out all right.
dmca

[Lisasue]

I thought this thread was awesome. It makes us all think about the people who were not involved, the ones who we married and continued our lives with.

When my son and I came together last year. My husband although very happy for me and new all about my son and my past, became extremely jealous when I reunited. He felt all the feelings of a husband who had his wife stolen from him. At first I was furious with him, and as I spoke to a counsilor about what was happening ( my husband was going to leave me over all this) The counsilor explained to me that although alot of support is offered to the triad to help any bumps along the way. Not alot is offered to the husband's and wives effected when our children come back.

Sorry to run into the original thread here, I dont know how to create my own thread.

But what resources are there for the loved ones who have these past effect them. I think the word jealousy does not fit in these situations and I feel for the past writer who has had her life turned completely upside down because of it. My husband has since come to terms with the emotions he felt, and he and my son are very good friends now, as my children are with their brother.

Just wondering what other views on this are?

Lisasue

[dmca]

Lisasue,
I don't know much about this. How did your husband 'get over it"? don't answer if that is too personal.
Perhaps his story could help others. It's a dogonned pity that more help isn't around for people like your husband .
My husband is distant with my daughter. I suppose in time, as they get to know each other, that will change. ( I hope)
I simply can't and won't talk to him about it, her conception , my relationship with her bfather. Perhaps I could if he were alive ( the birthfather), but I feel I am giving his information away without his permission. I know that sounds strange but I honour his memory. Anyway, lisasue, just post here, and you will get some answers , I'm sure.
dmca