[julie23]

shadow riderer... i second that round applause... gret posts...

My bparents spouses have some personal issues and problems that don’t have anything to do with me as a person or anything I’ve done. It’s just who they are.

i think that is a great perspective.... in my reunion, i have had to work through a lot of personal issues that have absolutely nothing to do with my birthdaughter as a person.... unfortunately, as I hammer through some of this junk, i might get a little "edgy"... or insecure with her.... or whatever.... in my case, my birthdaughter has been great about being patient.... and she seems to understand it's not about her....(i tell her that, too)....it's my "baggage"

adoption is complicated.... no matter what part of the tirad you come from.... as a birthmom, i have myriads of issues from the basic, painful loss... to how that came about... to my extended family's "handling" of it all back then.... to the reunion stuff.... to discovering that i have probably parented my kept kids differently because i am came from a perspective of loss.... to all sorts of weird stuff....

and truthfully, it's not about my birthdaughter....

so... i am glad that you seem to "get" that aspect in regards to the spouses...


juli... how are you today?

Somehow we will make this right for everyone to the best of our ability.

that's a big challenge... and probably not even possible.... i know that I get stuck on what is the "right" thing to do... alot. And sometimes the "right" thing isn't really clear.... or it is clearly right for one person... but not the other two.... you know what I mean?

i want to go shopping, too..... when?

j

[shadow riderer]

Correction: 50 something anniversery not reunion.

Well, if we are all going shopping, I think a stop along the way for a slice of cheesecake, chocolate to be specific, is in order as well. Whatcha say?

[shadow riderer]

Hi Julie (M4/5), Glad your feeling a little better. To be honest, I wouldn’t exactly describe my adoptive family as “wonderful”. I wont say I had a “bad” childhood, but it probably wasn’t the kind my bio parents would have wished for me. My Amom was a good mom. She did the best she could, and I love her dearly. Things were what they were and life goes on. You asked about how adoptees relate to all these different “family” relationships. I sure wish I could explain what it is like. Sometimes, the feelings are very confusing. I think that how the adoptee may feel really kind of depends on the situation and the other family members. For me my family is “my” family, whether it is my adopted side or my bio side. They are all just “my family”. I love them all, but, just as in any “normal” family, some of them I don’t “like” very much at times. As far as the feelings for all four of my parents, well, the relationships and feelings for each one are just different and way too complex too explain. This topic would make for a really interesting thread. Maybe you should post that question here to see what others think.

After reading your post, I can certainly see how your husbands wondering about that stuff would be a hard thing to hear, especially if adoption had never touched your family before, and his keeping it to himself for a time, I’m sure, didn’t make things easier. Not to defend him, but finding out he had a daughter had to really come as a shock. I know that I completely knocked the air out of my Bdad. I never came right out and told him, “Hey, I’m your daughter.” I kind of let him figure it out for himself. Really, how do you tell someone something like that in a kind and compassionate manner? We laugh about it now, but believe me, at the time, it wasn’t funny at all. After a year, it, is sometimes still a little unbelievable. I can only imagine that it kind of knocked your socks off as well when he told you about her. If you don’t mind me asking, how did your children react? If that’s too personal, I understand. I’m just curious as to what they think about having a sister.

Julie 23, Thanks for sharing that. I know my Bmom has some of the same issues as you. I guess we all have our own issues. I guess all any of us can do is what we believe is the right thing, and hope for the best. Wouldn’t it be nice if there were a manual that would just spell it out for us?

You know, you guys, sometimes, I just get really tired of having to deal with all this emotional stuff. Sometimes, I just want my life, as I once knew it back. That doesn’t mean I would not want my reunions, I would just like to feel “comfortable” once again, or maybe “safe” is a better word. Oh, well, for now I guess it’s just one day at a time. and cheesecake when necessary. There is a country song out. I don’t know who sings it, but part of the lyrics goes, “When you’re going through H*ll, keep on going. Don’t slow down. If you’re scared don’t show it.” Something about getting through before the devil knows your there. I can’t remember any more, but every time I start getting down or feeling beaten, I think of that song. Kind of gives me a little courage to just keep going.

[shadow riderer]

Julie, Wow! Your statement about it “not being my responsibility to tell my Bdad, was one of those “light bulb” moments. Would you believe I had never thought about it like that. You are exactly right! It wasn’t my responsibility, and it finally puts into words my feelings on the subject. If you like, go back and read some of my previous post over the last year. I think they will explain the biggest part of the story. My Bmom wasn’t completely honest with me about much of anything where my Bdad was concerned. She never volunteered anything about him or their relationship. She made herself out to be the “poor, naive” victim that had been taken advantage of. When I would ask questions, she would pull out the “It was just such a painful time in my life” guilt trip, and so I never pushed, because I didn’t want to cause her more pain. Sixteen years of “not quite, exactly the truth” has put a little bit of a strain on my relationship with her. not to mention her reaction to my contacting my Bdad. It’s something she never wanted me to do. As for why, I don’t know, but I have a good idea that it is because she didn’t want me to find out she wasn’t quite the “victim” she made herself out to be. AS for why she didn’t tell him, well, to give her some credit, she did call him after she had moved into the home for unwed mothers, but she never came out and told him she was actually “pregnant”, much less pregnant with “his” baby. My Bdad had been discharged from the Service and had already returned to his home state several months before he got that call from her. Not to excuse any blame that may be due my Bdad, but let’s say you’re a guy. This girl you had not seen or heard from in 4, 5 or 6 months, calls you up and says she thinks she might be pregnant, and then you never hear from her again, well, I can kind of see his side of the story. You know, in one of her first letters to me, she actually wrote that his story would probably be different from hers. Go figure?

I’m still not ready to let go of my anger at my Bmom on this particular subject. I still have questions. Like, why wasn’t my Bdad the first person she told? Isn’t that what most girls would have done: called the boyfriend first? In that phone call, why didn’t she just tell him she was pregnant with “his” baby? Why did she wait so long to even attempt to call him, and after my birth, why didn’t she call him and at least tell him he had a daughter? I know that I could just ask her, but considering the lack of honesty in the past, how could I ever believe anything she might say? The other part to that is that whatever her answers to the questions, I think it would just cause me more pain. Knowing what I know now, and contemplating what she might say, there is just no “right” answer to any of my questions. The bottom line: the past is the past, and none of us can go back. I guess sometimes you just have to “let it go”. (Deep breath)

It sounds like you have a great family. It’s hard to know just how everything “fits” at times. Sometimes I wonder if we “think” about it all too much, instead of just letting things work themselves out. I’m sorry about being so long winded in my post. I guess I just needed to get some stuff out. Thanks for listening. I’ve enjoyed this, and it’s helped to talk to others. Hang in there, I know everything will work out. I’m in TX, but not close to Ft. Hood, or anyplace else for that matter. Lol If, by chance, we ever do meet up, the cheesecake is on me.

[reunionspouse]

Dear Juli (M4/5) and Shadow:

You can also look up my posts but I could have been you two years ago.

My husband and I have been married for 16 years together for 19, we have a 15 year old daughter and an 11 year old son.

We are 2 1/2 years into our reunion with my husband’s bson (age 26). This reunion also includes bson’s wife and three sons so we added 5 people to our family of 4.

I can understand your anger, jealousy and your wish to have life return to normal but I will tell you that it will never be the same.

Where my story changes is that we live in a small community. That community includes his bmom, her husband and all of her extended family as well as all of my husband’s family……..we all live within 10 miles of each other.

When the very first call came from the bmom about bson wanting to find his parents all of the feelings surfaced….I had to decide right then that I would put all of my feeling aside and do what I thought was the right thing. 26 years of repressed feelings were about to surface for not only my husband but the bmom as well.

All of us needed support, understanding and love. Hugs were very important.

I had to remember that I got to marry him, have children and have a wonderful life. I had to make room in my heart for everyone, even if it hurt to do it. That the relationship he had with the bmom was over long before he met me….but he would always have a place in his heart for the bmom.

I scoured these forums and read books and articles about reunion, the good, the bad and the ugly. I learned a lot and tried a lot of the suggestions.

Because of our small community we decided to tell everybody about bson, family and our reunion.

The timing was bad for me as the initial telephone calls were being made while I was on a four week trip with our daughter. After my husband had his first telephone conversation with his newly found bson, I asked for the number and called him myself from our traveling locations to welcome him into the family.

I then sat down and composed an email to his bmom that I would welcome any and all participation in the reunion process, what help did she need, what help could I be. I opened my arms and my heart to her to help all of us including this young man who wanted to know his bparents.

When the first pictures arrived we cried together as he looked exactly like my husband and our children. My first thought was that God had played a big roll in this as there would never be any question who his father was.

We went out to dinner when I returned from my trip. I brought her a framed picture of our new family and wanted her to know that I was her friend and we would do this together if she wanted.

Well, the rollercoaster started and we are still on it. We have had many highs, many screaming trips into the dark and of course the lows. The lows come when we are scared and unsure of how to behave, the highs when it all works out great.

We are three families merged into one. Our biggest challenge is bson and his family live 3000 miles away from us so we work on helping him with his own jealousy of not being closer to all of us.

When we are all together he gets time alone with both of them, individually and together. Time with just us as a family and time with his bmom and her family.

Bmom and I have lunch every week, unless one of us is away, and have since our first dinner. The four of us have dinner at least twice a month (bmom+husb+bdad+me) sometimes our children come too.

We have celebrated birthdays and holidays together and a stranger than strange truth is, we have the same wedding date! We see our new family together and apart………and yes, my husband has lunch with her when he wants, calls her when he wants because I trust him. We want this young man to be in our lives and remain a part of our family so we work at it….everyday. We share a friendship with her sisters and mom and dad and since the community is small we see them all the time, grocery stores, shopping malls, tire shop etc…..

Our friends are amazed that we have come this far. Amazed that we can all be friends. We make an effort to be mature and work together, focus on one goal, family and love.

As I said before it did not come without lows but we had to pick ourselves up and move on for the good of everyone.

My best wishes and hugs to you.

Karen

ps: you are allowed to have any feeling at anytime it is what you do with it that counts.

[unklier]

Jealousy is a funny thing. I am jealous of people I have never met. I meeting my bdad tomorrow and I know he has 2 children, boy 32and girl 31. I am 35. I find that I am jealous of them. Because they know him, because they got to be with him, because I feel like that's where I should have been.

I like to think everything happens for a reason( it makes me feel better) but I still can't help the jealousy. I'm jealous that they know their family history and where they come from and I don't. Everything I always thought is wrong and I cry for this because I feel like this part of me that I thought I knew has died. I know that sounds dramatic, but its the way I feel.

My concern is that when and if I ever do meet bdads kids they will sense the jealousy and it will cause a problem. At this point I feel like a 2yr old and I want him to myself. They had him for 30 yrs and now its my turn.

Its interesting how the child in us will just show up and take over when we go through things like this. And as many of us know its hard to control a 2yr old.

unklier

[Jan18]

Thank you Karen for sharing your beautiful story! I am amazed at how hard you all are working at making your son's reunion with his father a good one!!

[dmca]

unklier, although you missed out on your bfather, it's the time you do have ahead with him and your siblings that count. We can't go back and change the past, but we can enjoy and enhance the here and tomorrow. Wouldn't suprise me if your siblings don't feel a touch of jealousy about this all, too.
Having your bfather paying so much attention to you. It's only natural that he would, but, they may feel the same jealousy that you feel. Understand?
Think of the joys of today and make plans for the future to "stall" jealousy. Why don't you send a nice letter ,picture, e-card ( all of them) to your siblings.
Never know, they may make things easier for you.
Big hugs
dmca

[shadow riderer]

UNKlier, I understand where you are coming from. I’ve felt those same feelings on and off over the years. Those feelings of “It’s just not fair” and like you were cheated out of something are sometimes very strong, especially in the beginning of reunion. It’s all part of the mourning process, and the intensity of the feelings will fade in time. It’s very hard to watch our bio families, knowing that we weren’t a part of it. It’s even more difficult if the adoptive family you grew up in wasn’t exactly ideal, and your bio families are the kind of family you wished for. It hurts, and sometimes the only thing to do is get off to yourself and have a really good cry. It hurts and it’s hard, but give yourself some time and you will get through those feelings. Just take one day at a time.

Karen, I wish you were my Bdad’s wife. I’m sure it was not near as easy to put your own feelings aside as it sounds in your post. You are very lucky everyone involved was mature enough and considerate enough to do that. I live in a small town too, so I have to admire the way you all are handling the situation. I kind of have to agree with Julie. I can’t really say I would be comfortable with my husband meeting an old flame for coffee, even in a situation like this, without being there. Not that I don’t trust him, I’m just not that secure. In a small town scenario, if they just happened to cross paths at the local café, that’s one thing, but not an intentional meeting. It would just make me uncomfortable, but that’s just me. I admire you for being bigger than that.

I’m a little curious as to how your husbands son feels about all of you getting on so well. I know my situation is completely different. I know that this has a lot to do with my anger at my Bmom, but I have to admit, I have a few little issues with my Bparents meeting up. When my Bmom found out I contacted my Bdad, she wanted me to give her his address so she could write him a letter, a letter 40 years after the fact? Well, you can probably understand where my anger stems from. There is a lot more to the story and no need to go back there, but I certainly wasn’t comfortable with the thought of them meeting or talking for that matter. I’m stil not, but if they both wanted to talk to each other, I wouldn’t prevent it. My Bdad wasn’t exactly thrilled about the thought of a meeting either. He is also, understandably, a little angry at my Bmom, as wellas, a little angry at himself for not putting the pieces of the puzzle together back then, but said if it would help me he would be willing to talk with her. He still says he has no interest in meeting or talking with my Bmom, but if their paths cross he would, of course, do his best to get along. If that day ever comes, it is going to be a very awkward and uncomfortable day for all three of us. After 40 years, really, what could they possibly have to say to each other that would do anyone any good? Like I said, my situation sounds like it is completely different from yours, but your husbands son is really cool with all of you being so close? He is very lucky. I think I’m a little jealous. Seriously, it’s really too bad there are not more reunions like yours where everyone works together to make it easy on everyone. You guys are to be commended.

[unklier]

Shadow riderer and momof4or5?,

Thank you for you help and support and suggestions. Today is a better. The jealousy has gone for the moment(it seems to have a mind of its own sometimes). I hope all these feelings will subside eventually. I"ve only been processing this situation for a week and Im sure it will take more time to figure out where everything fits now.

I believe the events in my life have happened this way for a reason, I just dont know what yet. I am trying to be open and accepting and "go with the flow". Its so nice to have the people here though when I become irrational and that 2yr old shows up. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.

Karen.. I am in awe at how you have handled your situation. That must have been very hard for you. I hope my situation ends up half as good as that.

unklier