[irisheyes33]

My relationship with my bmom since we reunited in June 2005 has been fabulous...we email daily and call weekly and have seen each other f2f several times, despite the fact we live on opposite sides of the country. I genuinely enjoy her company and she fulfills needs in me I didn't even know I had.

Now, for the first time in our relationship, we are faced with a long separation and don't know when we will see each other next. It hurts me terribly to be away from her, even with the constant contact.

I am getting odd feelings of wanting to "pull back" from our relationship. Grieving and missing her causes me to be non-productive and depressed. The more I am distracted (with school, etc.) the better off I seem to do.

I don't want to hurt her or end our relationship...but the constant contact only makes me miss her more...and I have no idea how to negotiate these feelings. Part of me thinks I need a "time out" to gain some perspective, but I'm not sure how to ask for this without hurting her deeply. And frankly, I'm not sure if that's even a good idea.

Why all these mixed emotions when I have such a perfect reunion?

[whitsunday15]

Hey Irisheyes! I certainly know all about your perfect reunion.
I think it is totally understandable what you are going through. I have that separation anxiety myself. I let out my honest feelings about how much I missed my mom and needed to be near her, and she had just the right words to calm me down and set me on track. I miss her terribly, don't get me wrong, and I count the days until I can see her again, but I don't have a date set as of yet. Only a target date.
I think if you are honest with your mom and tell her what exactly is going on in your head, she may have the perfect words for you. That's what mothers are for afterall!!!!

[Found at last]

Hi Irish,

I agree with Whitsunday. Tell your bmom what you are feeling, because not telling her will be a lot worse for her.

A sad bmom,
Found

[irisheyes33]

Thanks guys I'm just so afraid of hurting her. She has admitted to having an insecurity as to where and how she fits into my life, which seemed to get worse as school started and my life got really busy even though we've maintained the same level of contact. She gets so sad when she knows she is missing my performances and such (I am a music major). And then, much as I love to hear about the things she does in her life, I get pangs of jealousy when I hear about her spending time with this person or that person or going on vacation somewhere and I can't be a part of it.

I guess what it is is that I want these roller-coaster anxiety feelings to go away. I'm over a year into this, have seen my birthfamily for what they are, good and bad, and I love them anyway. I guess the honeymoon period is over by now, but the desperate longing is still there and I HATE it.

You guys are right. Maybe I should just spill my guts. I have a tendency to put up a "everything's fine" facade (a great trait I learned from my adoptive parents) but my birthmother can read me like a book. She probably already KNOWS something is up and is waiting for me to tell her

[kakuehl]

I once had a friend who would pick a fight every time a separation was approaching. It was always frustration for me although after a while I recognised what was happening. It was easier for him to be separated if he could tell himself we weren't friends and there were no expectations!

I'm with the others...talk to her. Tell her how anxious it's making you and even how jealous you are of the time she gets to spend with others when the two of you can't get together. Hang in there... it sounds to me like you are well on the way to a strong life long relationship with your birth family. I'm also a year into the reunion with my birth son. I find myself waiting for the shoe to drop.. neither of us has pulled back.. yet.

You might tell her what you told us, that you are better when you keep yourself distracted by staying busy with your school work right now. (And that is your main job as a student!) Tell yourself every day that this separation will pass. Remember, you only have to get through one day at a time.
Cyberhug from another birthmom!

[healingfeeling]

hey irisheyes,

i'm going through a reunion funk too....i feel like because i dont know when i'll see my dad again i just wish i didn't know him sometimes....

i don't regret my reunion...but my life has been turned upside down and inside out and i have all these crazy jealousies...

i was telling whit the other day...i was jealous that my dad was visiting a friend's mother in the hospital...it actually really hurt my feelings....its sooooo selfish of me, but i can't control the feeling...

i do know that i need to tell him these things or they won't get fixed and i advise u to do the same

hope things feel better soon!

[kakuehl]

[quote=healingfeeling]hey irisheyes,

i don't regret my reunion...but my life has been turned upside down and inside out and i have all these crazy jealousies...
...i do know that i need to tell him these things or they won't get fixed and i advise u to do the same
quote]

Yep, it works that for bparents too! I have to fight getting jealous of my kids. (When I talk to one of them and they say, D called today, etc. When I finally get the nerve to call D and my other kids are there...) Silly, isn't it!

Just a suggestion HF -- when you talk to him be sure to use "I" messages: Make it clear that the feelings and response are your own - they aren't his fault. (Of course his failure to keep his promises IS his fault - how you respond is not.)

[healingfeeling]

Just a suggestion HF -- when you talk to him be sure to use "I" messages: Make it clear that the feelings and response are your own - they aren't his fault. (Of course his failure to keep his promises IS his fault - how you respond is not.)

Kathy,

I agree, I will definitely own that is it MY issue, that is one great thing I've learned from the forums...own what you say

yes, his lack of follow-through is his fault.....but i can only control my response to it......

i'm sure he has his own issues with me as well....but he's never told me, so maybe he will when i speak to him about mine.

[irisheyes33]

Yeah...I think the scary part of all of this is that by opening up and putting our honest feelings "out there" we are making ourselves vulnerable...and for me it's also the "everything-is-so-perfect-what-if-this-ruins-it" fear. And really, my relationship with my birthmother is very strong. I can't imagine anything that could possibly come between us. And that's exactly what's wrong! Too good to be true...what am I missing here?

Kathy, I had to smile when you shared the story about your friend that would pick a fight before you were to be separated. I feel like that guy.

[whitsunday15]

Originally Posted by irisheyes33

my birthmother can read me like a book. She probably already KNOWS something is up and is waiting for me to tell her

This is sooooooo true Irisheyes!!!! Something was bothering me one day and it took my mom all of 2 seconds of observing and she was on top of me asking me what was up. At the time I didn't want to talk about it, but it was that night that I spilled my guts to her and was screaming and crying. She held me tight and made it all better.
But, anyway, the point is you might as well tell her because she'll know something is up anyway.
Dam* them for being so in tune they ALWAYS know!! My mom on a few occasions now has called me in the morning, unaware of the fact that I was having issues, and the first thing out of her mouth when I answered was "Are you okay?" In fact, she did it this morning.