[DebsW]

I am an adult adoptee (37 yrs) who always knew. My aparents were very open with us (myself and brothers). They also told us that if we ever wanted to find any bio parents that they would help us. My amother even told me that she wanted me to find bio family and to do it when she was alive so she could support me in the search/reunion.

I found my bio family last December 2005 and I am in the process of meeting lots of relatives-met bmom, sibs, grandma, aunt and a cousin so far. Everything has been going really well.

Last night and this morning my AMom tells me she cannot handle it and that she does not want me to share any more information with her. I am in shock. I grew up thinking this would be ok with her. I have always been sensitive through the process and have made great pains to make sure she knows she is my priority. I am feeling indescribable pain right now. My husband asked me if I was going to be ok and I told him "no". How is this going to work? Pretend nothing happened? Anyone have a similar experience to share?

DebSW

[SchmennaLeigh]

Could you discuss with your Mom why she's feeling this way? Simply saying that it's "too much" doesn't give you much to go on. Maybe she simply need verbal and active reassurance that you're not going anywhere. Maybe she's not used to being left out of a big part of your life.

In my opinion, you need to communicate with her on this one... even if she says she doesn't want to talk about it. THere doesn't need to be a life long rift between the two of you regarding this subject.

*hugs*

[DebsW]

I should have included more information. My AMom had heart attack, open heart surgery and four hospitalizations last fall. I had first contact with BMom in Dec 2005. Met BMom in this last spring two weeks before ADad was diag with terminal illness. He lived two months and passed away in June. She has been with me and other family for three months and is going home to the SW in a few days.

I think she feels like she is losing me now. I have been taking care of her for months. My BMom told me that I have to put AMom first. I did and I have been doing everything I can and even told her what BMom said. My BFather called me "daughter" in a conversation with Bmom and that was the piece that pushed her over the edge.

If I push this I am afraid she will have more heart problems, she is very fragile. I think I have to let it go.

DebSW

[healingfeeling]

deb...((((hugs))))

this is a terrible position for you to be in because you love your amom and she was always supportive until now.

leading a double life is not only hard, it feels lonely, it feels dishonest to yourself and it really doesn't solve anything...it sweeps everything under that proverbial rug you spoke of.

i'm dealing with it right now...except that my family was never supportive of me.

why is your bfather calling you "daughter" a problem...i'm very confused by this...???

i will respond more later on.

just know you're not alone...and there is NOTHING wrong with you having a relationship with WHOEVER you want.

[whitsunday15]

I think that your mom is dealing with a lot of stuff right now. I don't think that it is fair for you to carry that weight though. Your number one priority is YOU. Not your Amom, not your BioMom.
Your Amom is going to need time to sort things out and grieve over your father and come to terms with her life from here on out.
I think that if you push aside your own feelings and happiness for anyone, you will regret it later.
I say, let your Amom know that you love her and you care deeply about her, and that you will always be there for her. But, let her come to you. You've done all you can.

[Sniffles]

Hugs to you Deb

I can't really over any advice, I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you

[DebsW]

What kind people you all are. You have helped take the edge off some of the pain. Thank you so much. It confirms my belief that this is a place I can go and not be judged for the way I feel. My AMom said she would not judge my Bparents but she called my Bfather a jerk last night. He has been taking his time (as he should) in getting involved. He has just gotten to the point that he is now calling me his daughter, I am celebrating and then AMom calls him a jerk. I have decided to give her all the space she needs for this and I will not bring it up with her again. At least for now that is how I will have to handle it.

DebSW

[zxczxcasdasd]

I'm with Jenna, talk to her. I can't even imagine the stress and emotional burden of everything that's going on in all your lives right now. Don't let silence or assumptions start building walls now.

Everyone here knows that reunions are not easy on any part of the triad, they can be joyful and scary and overwhelming, but are almost always very emotional. I've heard advice given to "make sure you're in a good place" when you start your search or reunion because you will need a full reserve of strength and stability to handle it.

Not only does your mom not have a full reserve, and is not in a good place, she's in an extremely painful and difficult place with all the health and end of life issues. Even positive change causes great stress, much less difficult change (her health, your father's death, leaving you after a long visit, facing her own mortality- these are INCREDIBLY STRESSFUL and DIFFICULT things). I think she's realizing that it's just too much for her to handle combined with everything else she handling right now.

If I read your post correctly, she didn't tell you to stop or that she disapproved. She just said she couldn't handle it. That's probably her being very honest that she just can't take in any more emotion right now. There's nothing wrong with your bdad calling you "daughter" but it's not an easy thing for aparents to deal with. The difficulty of the adoptee is finding their bfamily and building a relationship with them. The difficulty of the aparent is watching your child start being someone else's child too. Doesn't mean that it's wrong, just that it's painful. It takes a lot of love and strength to deal with it, and she's just on empty right now. She's grieving and she's sick. It's hard to give others love and strength when you are in a place of needing it yourself.

I think it is so sweet and loving that you want your mother to walk through this with you and that she has wanted to until now. It speaks to your loving relationship with her how shocked and hurt you are that she's now saying she needs you to do it without her. Not knowing her, my guess is that it's just too much for her heart to handle combined with everything else.

I'm sorry you've lost your father and your mother has lost her husband. I'm happy that your reunion with with bfamily has gone so well. Just keep talking to each other and loving each other and each giving what you can and forgiving what you each cannot.

God Bless you all.

[silk]

Yes I was in a similar situation.
My amum was the one when i was 15yo who asked me if I wanted to find my bmum. I said yes and it went from there.
After we (bmum and I met) my amum started losing it, she couldnt cope.
So eventually I realised that I'll just keep the contact to me. 20 years later, my bmum and I are still really close. My amum and I are too, I dont mention my bmum to my amum and all is well.
Mums well aware i still have heaps to do with bmum, but she is very happy not knowing about it. And as I still get to have both of them, Im happy too as is my daughter and everyone else involved.

[jenn_e_ritter]

Originally Posted by whitsunday15

I think that your mom is dealing with a lot of stuff right now. I don't think that it is fair for you to carry that weight though. Your number one priority is YOU. Not your Amom, not your BioMom.
Your Amom is going to need time to sort things out and grieve over your father and come to terms with her life from here on out.
I think that if you push aside your own feelings and happiness for anyone, you will regret it later.
I say, let your Amom know that you love her and you care deeply about her, and that you will always be there for her. But, let her come to you. You've done all you can.

I agree with what Whit says. Your number one prioity is you. I am going through the same thing. I can not talk about this with my mom or any close friends. I have no adoptive brothers or sisters to confide in so it can be very hard.

Everything will turn out alright in the end. I wish you well. if there is anything you need, pm me I am only a click away

[BabsCanada]

You are a good daughter, all around.

Your mom is telling you she can't handle this right now; she's in a bad place. She's been supportive before; she'll come around.

Once your mom gets past her health/emotional crisis, she can once again join you on this journey.

Let others support you until your mom is ready to; balance your love for your mom with your own needs; give her time to heal;

Think positive.

Babs

[DebsW]

Thanks everyone. What a support! I have every intention of continuing my relationship with my biofamily. I am lucky to have them in my life. I think that I will leave my AMom out of the loop for now. I even emiled my brothers and asked them not to bring the topic up with her. I am just having a difficult time getting through the pain of it all. I keep crying about it, my girlfriend said I sounded despondent. I'm not sure how to pull myself out from under the cloud.

I also am afraid to tell m BMom about it. I am afraid she will want to pull back because she will not want to cause me any conflict with my Afamily. Any BMoms out there with any thoughts on that?

DebsW

[randloar]

First off, I am sorry for your loss of your father, and for your mothers health problems, I am sure that is all very stressfull to all involved (especially your mom, yourself and your siblings).

Next, it sounds to me like with time, your mom will come around but she is completely overwhelmed with all that is happening right now. As someone else stated, her statement that she couldn't take it was probably her attempting to be open and honest with you that she is at her limit for emotional issues. The fact that you grew up being supported with respect to searching for your bio family (to me anyways) indicates that if the timing of this was different, she would be excited for you and want to share this with you as much as possible.

And a question for you.....Is it possible that your amom called your bdad a "jerk" due to her grieving for your father, and feeling overwhelmed/threatened/intimidated that this other man could "take your dads place", and was unconsciously being protective for your father and his title to you? (remember, grief makes us think in a totally different and sometimes not so rational way, been there, and done that myself!!). Maybe talking it through with her at a peaceful (timing is everything) moment could get her to retract her statement and explain why she said that to you?

As well, my own recommendation is to make sure you allow yourself to grieve your fathers passing, this could strongly be influencing your emotional rollercoaster. When my adad died (I was 25) from cancer, it was a crazy confusing time for me and I can see how stressful this can be for you with meeting your bio family so recently as being torn between your alliances and who to protect and how....I am not a bmom, but would say to let her in on what you are comfortable with, and even tell her that you don't want her to pull back (either way, however you feel that is!!), and by all rights, if she pulls back for a few months, you could see that as a sign of respect for your mom and what your afamily is going through....ask her to be there for whatever part of it you need, and see what happens! She could be a good alternate resource for you.

Sounds like you are heading in the right direction, and are doing what you can to get through this. Its definately a tough situation, but remember that there are lots of people that love you and want to help you however they can, so let them and you may be surprised at the support you receive!!

Our thoughts are with you!

[cnb1099]

My situation is a little like yours but the opposite direction. My bmom found me recently and I too am 37 have known all my life that I was sopted and my parents always told me that if I ever wanted to find my bmom that they would support and help me.

Then the day came that she found me and being faced with it head on was very difficult for them. My father also wad been very ill for a long period of time, quadruple bypass, 5 months in the hospital almost dies, cancer 2 years ago..and when he voiced any concern over my reunion I walked on eggshells because I knew that he was still so fragile and I did not want to do ANYTHING that would hurt him. I felt like I almost lost him then and I could not bear to do anything that would "push" him.

But after getting advice here I realized that I could not walk away from what is mine. My reunion and my opportunity to reconnect with the woman that gave me life...her finding me was as much a gift to me as was my fathers miraculous recovery..(and it truelly was according to all of his doctors).

So I talked with them both and reassured them and told them that no matter what that they are my family and nothing and noone will ever change that..THEY were my mom and dad.

I tend to agree with landroar on the fact that maybe your mom is having to deal with so much at one time and she has lost her soulmate and does not want to lose you too. And she may just be looking at the fact that your bdad is now here after the death of your adad and she does not want your adad "replaced" because he passed away.

I would give her some time to deal with her grief and then when the time feels right to you, talk to her. The only way to get past this is to step up to it and let her know how you feel and do not get angry at her for her feelings. They may not always be what you want to hear but they are hers and they matter to her just as much as you matter to her..

I send you such big hugs and these forums are a great place to come and just "let go"...

HUGS


cnb

[DebsW]

randloar and cnb, thanks for your help. I do think that AMom is speaking from her loss. During her vent she commented on a lot of things that had nothing to do with the specific issue of "daughter" from Bfather. Bio parents got married one year after I was born and she was frantic about the possiblity of them wanting to come back and get me at age one. I'm 37 now and I assured her that it did not happen and I will always be here etc. Unfournatly when I put in my paperwork for the search last August I did not foresee any of these things happening, wish I could get one of those crystal balls and tell the future LOL. My parents had always been so healthy. They had traveled the world and were SO active so I really gave them a double whamy with this one. However I am moving on with my reunion, and I will savor each part of it. I hope I can do this and stay sane.

DebSW