[Cpt. Nemo]

The feeling you get when a parent gives you the impression that they are okay with something of this nature and then revokes their support is like your nervous system being magnetized. Not only does it hurt, it is a rush of metal through your viens.
Your amom may have just been having a bad day and was looking for something to blame. Maybe not. Maybe it was a reaction to her personal emotions about raising you and then watching you find comfort in another family. Your birthfamily, to be specific. She may find it very threatening to her position as well as the emotional connection you two share.
Personally, I suffer from a similar inexplainable feeling. That I can not talk to anyone about. It drives me mad. My circumstances are different, but i can tell you this., Your amom loves you and was ready to take on the challenges of having a child when your bmom wasn't. My own amom has told me that she deserves me more than my bmom. And it made me flip when she said that. I felt that feeling. It was more than the offensive to me.
In closing, know that my thoughts are with you and that i hope everything works out.

[DebsW]

Thanks Cpt Nemo. We are still at the same place as two months ago. There is so much info I have not shared with her at all. Since she asked me not to I have not mentioned anything unless she asks and that is very seldom. I am still so sad about it all, I am in this glorious time/moment in my life where I am finding out so much about myself, learning about who I am really. I feel so much calmer internally now, it is like a new peacefulness in my brain. I don't know how else to describe it but she does not want to know anything about it at all. I have spent hours on the phone with my bfather and we are really getting to know each other and she does not even know. Soon I will be going to visit him for our first face to face and I cannot tell her. I can't ask her for an opinion on a gift to bring, or what I should pack, or what places to go there (she lived in the same state many many years ago as my bfather does now). I can't tell her about my fears or the successes after the visit, or about the conversations we have had and the many more we will have. Or where I got my serious health problems from.

Why does my mother not want to know these things?? I know it is selfish but I need her too. I have told her many times and she was never possissive of me growing up. I had to do battle to get time with her growing up so I know that is not the issue. I just don't understand it. I don't think I ever will and I don't think I will ever forget the pain this has caused me.

debsw

[Samantha Franklin]

Hi Deb,
I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. I can relate. Even though my aMom has always acted supportive of my reunion, I can see and hear the pain in her voice each time she asks me about my birthfamily. It is extremely difficult to live as an adoptee in this situation. We have to carry a burden of trying to make sure our adoptive parents are not hurt, insecure, jealous, etc. and it feels very unfair. It takes away our ability to grow and embrace our entire self-hood as growing up with our afamily, and also knowing the part of ourselves who are connected with our birthfamily.
And being able to feel free to have the joy and also experience the greiving process in reunion - feeling ok to grieve the fact that we lost our biological family in order to have our adoptive family. I think that is the only way we can truly heal.
Adoption inherently puts us in the middle, and we have to work extra hard to overcome the feelings of guilt, divided loyalties, etc. and become whole people.
I feel very lonely at times, because of the same issues you talk about above. I can't share with my aMom the same way I used to. It puts the light on the TRUTH that I am related to other people, as well as her. The truth that I lost those connections, and yet, I cannot share that loss with very many people, because they do not understand.
Hugs to you, and know that there are others who know what you are feeling.

[myheart]

Originally Posted by DebsW

Why does my mother not want to know these things?? I know it is selfish but I need her too. I have told her many times and she was never possissive of me growing up.............I just don't understand it. I don't think I ever will and I don't think I will ever forget the pain this has caused me.

debsw

[qoute]why does my mother not want to know these things?[qoute]
1st your a-mom has a heart attack, then she has open heart surgery..fall of 2005, then on Dec. 2005 you have 1st contact with b-mom. Six months later a-dad dies. Sounds like your a-mom is completly
overwhelmed. Your a-mom is physically weak and emotionally she thought she could handle it in the past, but now in the light of the situations feels it is too much for her to handle.


[qoute]I know it is selfish but I need her too.[quote]
Do you need her to know, because you two are very close and you always shared
everything with her?..Or,do you need her to Know just for the sake of knowing?
If you need her to know because you are close and you cannot bear to keep things from her, then perhaps you should share that with her.


[quote]I have told her many times and she was never possessive of me growing up.[quote]
Maybe she never felt threatened before. This is also very new for her. Saying something and then placing action on it are two very different things. I'm sure when she said she would support you in her search she was stronger physically. I'm not making excuses for your mom...just trying to help you understand the other side of the spectrum.
I am in a very open adoption, I am very close to my sons b-mom. When I decided to incorparate my sons b-mom into our family I had no idea what feelings i would endure in the future. The day I told my sons b-mom I would see her again ........
that this was not the last time she would see our son was the day I took my son home from the hospital. We never discussed an open agreement arangement,
it just happened. Solely because I saw and felt her pain that day. I knew that I could not bear to see another person suffering in the world. I wanted her in our lives, I did not know then that I would question my motherhood in the future
I had no idea of the feelings that would come over me. Such as, Why do I have to share my son.....why can't I be like all the other mothers I know and be his only mom. These were hard feeling to over come, but I did. It takes time and patience to push through those feelings. Your mom has to process all that has happened in her life. We are ever evolving in our lifetime. Someone posted that communicating with your mom is key.....it is so true...without communication...a wall of resentmant may build. I do not know your mom....but by what you have posted it sounds like you two are close. Maybe when she told you she would support you in the search, she herself did not anticipate the feelings that would arise in her.

Sharing your inner feelings with the people you love is so crucial for a continuous healthy relationship. If you feel she is not receptive to the words you say to her face to face.Then, may I suggest you write her a letter, sometimes reading a letter is easier to process.

I wish you nothing but the best !

[MamaS]

The others have said it well - your mother is physically and emotionally drained. Perhaps hearing your bfather call you "daughter" was the last straw. In her mind your deceased father was the only one who had the right to call you "daughter". I read in another thread that the choice of names for bparents in an open adoption was delicate. The aparents feel that the bparents gave up the titles of "Mother and Father" when they okayed the adoption. Perhaps if you referred to them as "Fred and Ethel" and kept the title of "Mom and Dad" for your aparents your amother might be more okay with it. IMHO.

[DebsW]

Thanks Samantha, My Heart and MamaS. It really helps to get different points of view. I think this will be a struggle for the rest of my life. My amom and I used to be somewhat close, however my adad was very jealous of us kids. I remember two family vacations my whole life the rest of our vacations were spent apart, each of us kids would be sent to family or friends homes for several weeks every summer so amom and adad could spend time alone. They had a very exclusive relationship that did not leave much room for us kids. I think we could have been closer if my adad had allowed it. I am not the only sibling in my afamily who believes my aparents should not have raised children - that is a whole different post. I have spent many hours with a counselor working that all out.

I cannot tell my amom how I feel about any of this because it gets misconstrued and if I write her a letter she will forward it on to everyone and their cousin (it's a family thing-they all do it) and I am a very private person and the thought of my personal thoughts and fears out there being read by everyone is just to much.

I think I have to live with this the way it is now and move on. I won't sit and dwell on it even though it weighs heavily on my heart. I want to be happy now, there are all these relatives that I am getting to know and all the weird things I do make sense to me now. I don't feel like an outcast anymore. My thought processes make sense to me now. These people have embraced me with their whole heart and I love them too.

My siblings both support me as do their spouses so I do have some family support. I'll just keep hoping that this will work itself out for the best.

DebsW

[healingfeeling]

deb,

its an uphill battle sometimes. it sounds like your getting soooo much good out of reunion. its baffling to me also that our mothers don't want to know about our families......it hurts and it doesn't seem fair.

take care,
hf