[quantum]

Hi there,
I'm a bmom with a 21 year old son. I've done a search through the agency the adoption went through and they've found him. (horray!alive, in college!!). But he doesn't know at this time if he wants to make contact (fair enough).

Here's my question, as an adoptee, what sort of relationship do you have/would you like to have with your bmom? It would be interesting to know from adoptees who have both done searching themselves and those who were found...

Thanks in advance!

[pg13209]

I found my bmom after 7 years of searching. I contacted her it turned out well. She had been searching for 18 years on her own and hiring private detectives. We have a decent relationship the only ding in it is with the bdad. He is a real jerk and I wish I did not know anything about him. You see she was raped so it is a BIG sore subject with her. I can respect that but at the same time I wish she had never told me about him it would have made it easier. Now do not get me wrong it is VERY emotional and hard at first I am still on the proverbial emotional roller coaster. Everything happens for a reason, I found her when I was 25. I believe that if I had found her any earlier in my life that it would not have worked out as well as it did

[Lynard1210]

I am hoping to have a friendly relationship with my bmom and her family once I got over the fear of meeting them. I just found them 3 weeks ago. If I were college age, though, and they found me, I don't think I would have been ready and as interested as I am now, after being a mom myself. Not that this should deter you, just realize that college kids have a lot more on their mind than parents . . in fact they are probably doing their best to move away from parents at that time.

[quantum]

That's a good point! I have thought about him being in college and that might be a big part of not wanting to meet me. I also thought that at least now he knows where to find me and that i was looking, so maybe when he has kids of his own...

[LLAPHoping]

I am a forty-one year old adoptee. I would love to have a close relationship with my bmother. If I could find her or even know anything about her. I have talked to a lady named Joanne and she said she had info about them but I have to send her fifty dollars first I guess. I haven't as of yet, my financial situtation sucks! Then people were telling me to be careful about being scammed. Anyways, back to the question; I would so very much love to tell my bmother everything about my life, everything that has happened to me, just cry and cry for all these years of doing things on my own without aparents being alive, they passsed away when I was in my twenties. I have no support and no family at all except for my children and grandchild. Don't worry. I think every adoptee wants a close relationship with bparents and he's just young right now that's all. I have a 22 yr old daughter that was my firstborn and we were so close and yet lately she's been distancing herself from me and her younger (age 7) sister, -whom loves her very much and misses her-- which in turn breaks my heart so much- there's this horrible feeling of helplessness--there's not a whole lot I can do to get my older daughter more involoved with her baby sister. Sometimes I feel like I just can't take it anymore and am angry at my aparents for dying so young and it wouldn't be so bad but they chose to keep me very alienated from THEIR birth family and it was just me and my aparents. Then they up and retirewhen I was twenty-one and my amother dies when I was 23. Long story. I think I could write a book about loss and lonliness and hard times. Feeling alone in the world beyond words. Adoptee stuff, I suppose. Anyways, I would love to find my bfamily (ANY) cause THIS SUCKS feeling so alone. take care and know that no matter if your bson wants to make contact right now or not, you are loved and wanted and needed more than he may be able to handle right now, or for whatever reason he doesn't want to make contact. You're loved!!!!!!!
Sincerely, searching adoptee, LLAPHoping

[DebsW]

Hi, I found my bMom in Dec 2005. I went through the agency and they found her for me. It has been the most exciting and scary experience I have ever had. We wrote through the agency for several months, I finally released all my info in March and then we talked on the phone for about a month and then met in April. She let me set the pace all the way. We have a fantastic relationship and I am also getting to know bfather's family and bfather too. I don't think I could have handled it if she had pushed me at all during the process. During all of this my AMom had a heart attack and four hospitalizations and my ADad was diagnosed with terminal cancer and died. She is still giving me as much space as I need with my family. I think we entered each other's lives at just the right time. I do not have any regrets. I did keep my expectations low at the beginning. You never know how people will take first contact. I have been pulled into the family with open arms and I am loving it. I have a sense of calm that I have never felt before in my life. My AMom told me that when I first came home I had held my hands in fista for weeks and cried and cried. Even one of my coworkers commented that I seemed "very content" and that was before I even told any of my friends about my search/find.

I am 37 years old. I would suggest giving your son as much space as he needs. Just knowing you are there is a big deal. I had always wondered if my bMom ever thought of me and I know now that she did and it is a great comfort knowing that now.

My AMom is going back home since my ADad's death here (she lives in the SW) and she said she feels good that there is someone here with my best interests at heart and will make it easier to leave.

[JPDakota]

I have no desire for any kind of relationship at all. Never have.

[thediva320]

I searched mostly with the help of a search angel, but a lot of the work was by myself. Knowing my history behind my adoption, I went into the reunion with the intent of finding out medical information, if I had any other siblings, but I didn't expect a whole lot out of bmom. The only thing I asked from her is that she just be honest with me. It is a big deal to me that she is at all times about EVERYTHING. By everything I mean, past, present and future. She couldn't do that, so I had to end contact with her. I simply told her to contact me when she can be honest. I didn't expect much, like I said, cuz I already knew the circumstances surrounding my adoption and why I was adopted. (I was taken by the state). Although I am a firm believer that people can change, I also know that some people don't. She didn't.

[randloar]

I met my bmom at around age 19, and was happy to develop a friendship with her (although in some ways I needed to keep some distance to protect the family I was raised with). So it went in cycles with rounds of communication then lapses (on my part), and luckily, she let me lead the way and we are still in a good place. I know in my heart that she would like more, but what we have is all I can give, and she is okay with that. My point is that she let me have control of the situation with occasional gentle prodding when she needed more, which was fair and worked for us....

Now, my brother (also adopted), at the time I was meeting her, said he didn't get it and why did I need to meet her....he was 18 months older than me. I always wondered if he would want to look later in life, but never got the chance to find out as he was killed by a drunk driver at age 22. I think that he would have eventually wanted to know more, and always assumed that since he was a boy (I know, assuming is dangerous!!), but that he was just not ready to deal yet and would likely be more interested later in life, as he started thinking family, kids, etc.....

Bottom line is that since you are asking this, I get the impression that you are being considerate of what his needs may be, and that you are probably doing the right thing to keep letting him know you are there, but not pushing too hard or he may just back away altogether. I can say from my brothers take on it, at that age he just wasnt' ready to learn more, but I do feel that he would have wanted more with time.

Keep us updated!!!

[dmca]

It appears to me reading different things that the relationship is tough if the adoptee is young.
I've seen so many cases of this.
Am I wrong? or is that a fair assessment?
dmca

[InBlindFaith]

dmca - that's been my understanding so far.

[JPDakota]

Well, that may be the case. However, I have never wanted any relationship, as I mentioned above, and I am 46 years old. In fact, I would likely be extremely annoyed with someone who kept "letting me know they were there". Just my take.
I think its true that as we get older and know ourselves better our perspectives sometimes change. Not everyone's of course.

[dmca]

LOL, I'm just imagining e-mails to you and letters with the words " Hi there! I'm still here" Can you say STALKER? rofl
dmca

[JPDakota]

roflmao!