[LLAPHoping]

Well, I hoped I helped a little,and if you ever want to talk or message me I should say,lol, please feel free to do so, as a matter of fact I would welcome that a lot! Take care and God bless you! Sincerely, LLAPHoping

[InBlindFaith]

Oh that is funny!!

[randloar]

LLAPHoping,

After reading your post, I would like to say thanks for sharing a bit of your story, and I am sorry that you had to go through both parents dying when you were so young. If I may say that going through that kind of a loss would make any person feel all alone, whether or not you were adopted, to lose your parents. I have only lost one parent, but at a similar age and would never have attributed my feelings to being adopted, but to the unfortunate pain that goes along with death.

And your point about your daughter pulling away a bit is a good analogy to the original post in that, all kids go through a time of figuring out who they are and what they want and have to go through that on their own. So to Quantum, he will let you know if/when he is ready I guess.

[ttate001]

I'm a 44 year old adoptee. I finally located my birthmom (through sheer luck) after searching for 3 1/2 years. I live in Utah, she lives in Indiana but I've been back to see her twice. I had hoped for a relationship but would have settled for just information. We've written letters, sent e-mail etc. I'm so glad to finally have some information about where I came from, and why I was adopted. We have a good relationship, but I must say that I am much closer to my half-brother, and my niece (only 11 years younger than me). In fact my birthmom is currently very ill in the hospital and my niece is my daily information on what is happening with her. Now I face the delimma of do I go to Indy right now, or do I wait; what if she gets better but it takes weeks, what if she passes on??? Knowing my birthmom definitely complicates my life, but it has also added so much for me.
Teresa

[ChristiBender]

After my own reunion about 2 1/2 years ago and from talking with hundreds of other triad members it seems to me that the younger the adoptee is at the time of first contact the more uncertain the relationship feels as it develops. In general, young people have a lot going on.... and that can tend to make it easy to think, "I'll deal with this later". Later might be next week.... or next year... or after they graduate, get a job, get married or move away from home.

All of this can put a lot of pressure on birthparents desperately hoping for contact.

Keeping an open door there through periodic casual contact, birthday cards, holiday greetings etc, is often a good way to go. Pushing invariably causes a reaction of equal and opposite resistance... so I love it that you are not sounding prone to that kind of behavior!

Good luck....

[irisheyes33]

Hi Quantum,

I started my search at 18, but put it on hiatus several times. When I finally found my bmom at age 33, she didn't want contact at first (mostly because she was afraid of upsetting my parents, and due to some of her own personal insecurities). She changed her mind two years later, and now we have daily email and weekly phone contact, as well as several face to face meetings. We are very close...and I am very lucky.

My bmom and I have a lot in common, and we have a relationship as two adult women. She definitely is a mother to me, and I love her deeply, but the foundation of our relationship is a close friendship. I don't know if I could have had such a good reunion if I had met her when I was 18...though I do lament those lost years now, simply because I now know what a fantastic woman she is.

[kang_keume]

Quantum~

(wahhh my first post!!!)

I am a 21 yr old adoptee, so I thought it would be fitting for me to reply. I just met my birth parents this past summer in Korea. I had taken three other trips back to Korea before I actually met my family, but at those times, I felt that I was probably too young to fully appreciate meeting my family.

I am really glad that I waited until now (even though I suppose I'm still pretty young keke...) because my concept of self had changed a lot since I was 14. When I first found my bmom, I was so excited and was pretty much ready to hop on the next flight to Korea. However, we corresponded through letters via my agency, and I ended up learning that I was supposed to be aborted if it were not for the dire financial environment my bmom was in.

Obviously, that made me rethink things. For about a year after I discovered that, I didn't make any further contact with my bmom and pretty much repressed my interest in pursuing a relationship. After dealing with these issues through therapy and medication, I finally came to the conclusion that meeting my bfamily was a necessity at some point in my life, so I ended up going this past summer. Of course I was very nervous, excited, scared, happy, and at the same time ready to not go through with it at all.

But all of those feelings were overtaken by sheer happiness when I finally met my bmom. I can honestly say that it was The Best experience of my life thus far. I had a good/great afamily growing up, and I love them in a way I never imagined I could prior to meeting my bfamily.

For me, the experience was what brought so much closure to 21 years of wondering. Although this is superficial, it was such a joy for me to see in my physical features and personality characteristics in my bmom and bdad. I got to learn all about the family history, meet relatives, and experience what their everyday life is like.

I really hope that your son chooses to pursue a relationship with you. I realize that sometimes these things don't work out the way we hope for them to, but in the very least, I think it will be great for you two to hopefully be able to meet at least once in the future, and even if that's it, it presents the opportunity for closure.

Good luck with it all... I really hope that every adoptee who meets their bmom is able to come away from it as content as I am!!!

[hello&goodbye]

I am an adoptee who is pushing 40 !!! While I have and will exhchange the periodic email with me b mother, that is as far as I want to take it. She too, is happy with this agreement. I feel one cannot change back the hands of time, nor should they try. I am too old and set in my ways to change now. Somehow I always knew I would never meet her face to face, so I am not disappointed. When I was younger my parents offered to help me look for her, I was shocked because until then the notion never crossed my mind. This is not a statment against her or any other birth mother, just another viewpoint from an adoptee.

[Lynard1210]

Hello,

Wow! I'm 40 also and I still haven't seen my birthmom - except in pictures but we have plans to meet next weekend. Nervous as all get-out. I think I need to speak with Christy - never heard of a reunion coach before - but before I check myself into a padded cell, would you mind emailling me Christy? (Lynard1210@aol.com). I have 6 days to try and get myself in a calmer state before hopping a plane alone to Philly where my b-sister will meet me and have me spend the night and then the next day my b-mom will pick me up and we will spend several hours in a car driving to Ocean City, MD. I cannot imagine how awkward that drive is going to be . . .

I have some of my a-relatives on the east coast on stand-by for any emergency back-up plans I might need. Hoping it all goes smoothly but I will be staying in my b-mom's condo . . . never know!

Funny, Christy - i was just thinking today about how it must be harder to do a reunion when the adoptee is still pretty young and the b-mother is raising a separate family. Imagine my shock when I found out my b-mom just told my siblings about me 6 months before I found her. I suspect her response would have been quite different had I contacted her before she had a chance to tell them.

Take care, all!

[StarryNights™]

I was reading through your post and I think you should meet her. I too had to deal with that same situation of having birthmom in the hospital. It was not easy by any means. But she had cancer and was on the brink. If I had not of met her I would have never of been able to see what she really looks like or who I really resemble or act like for that matter. Photos only go so far.

It will keep you from wondering in the long run if you are anything at all like me.

[aberdeen]

I found my bmom.. stumbled upon her, really. I wasn't looking, really - just curious. Once I realized I had found her though... I was very excited. Before I found her, I never knew what I wanted. Now that I have found her... I want the best possible relationship. The relationship that we have now is still new and fresh and developing but we are at a point now where ... we're trying to work eachother into our lives.

[quantum]

Well, it's been nice re-reading these posts and getting ready to tell you all my FANTASTIC NEWS!
I am in contact with my bson as of Friday. It turns out that he DID want to contact me before, but he's amom had gotten a bit scared and sent mixed messages. Whatever, I understand and I hope between what he's been able to say to her and what I've been able to say to him that she won't feel so threatened (NEVER my intention!).
Anyway he is nothing short of fantastic. He is amazingly mature for his age, and has no resentment towards me or his situation at all. We're trying to take it easy and be realistic. We're not making any promises, no big steps, starting with email and just waiting to see how life develops. The only thing I ask of him is to let me know if I overstep any boundaries or just tell me if he needs a break.
So there you have it. I feel like I really lucked out in my search and REALLY lucked out in what I've found.
Here's hoping that time brings us closer together in a positive way and I also really wish you all much luck in your searches and reunions.

My heart aches when I read of all the pain so many of us have had to endure. I just wish I could spread some of my happiness to help to ease some of that!

[sislookingforbros]

i am 21 and i would like to say that you should really let him keep the ball in his court. right now i would love to have a mom. any mom some one. comming from foster care though i never had it, but your son was lucky and adopted... he has a "mom". he has some one. maybe heis not going to be searching right now. i know my bro that was adopted took the initiative to find my bmom. from what i have heard and xperienced from my bmom, i have opted to accept the offer from my MIL and let her fill the role and it has actually worked out. just let him decide what to do. it is his life.
good luck

[alphagal]

I'm going to agree with the above posts...keep the ball in his court. I've been in reunion for 2 years and it is still a relationship full of struggle. Usually one-side wants a relationship more than the other. And the one who is questioning everything will probably be in control.

Regardless of the above...that is so awesome you have spoken to your bson and their is a mutual friendliness. That is so cool!

[BuffLum2]

Wow... I could have written the post below. Started and stopped searching/thinking about searching a dozen times, finally made contact at age 35. It's only been 4 months since we reconnected and we're still in the honeymoon phase, I think, but we are on the way to becoming very close friends. We are already closer than my aMom and I have ever been... so many things in common about our personalities, even our professions! She is "Grandma" and her husband (not my bfather, but a wonderful man) is "Grandpa" to my two children. There have been several times where she and her husband have 'parented' me in little ways--I think it's so cute!

All the best to you!!

Originally Posted by irisheyes33

Hi Quantum,

I started my search at 18, but put it on hiatus several times. When I finally found my bmom at age 33, she didn't want contact at first (mostly because she was afraid of upsetting my parents, and due to some of her own personal insecurities). She changed her mind two years later, and now we have daily email and weekly phone contact, as well as several face to face meetings. We are very close...and I am very lucky.

My bmom and I have a lot in common, and we have a relationship as two adult women. She definitely is a mother to me, and I love her deeply, but the foundation of our relationship is a close friendship. I don't know if I could have had such a good reunion if I had met her when I was 18...though I do lament those lost years now, simply because I now know what a fantastic woman she is.