[shef]

Hi,

I am struggling to make headway with my bsister whom I met when trying to make contact with my bmother,. I had a lot of naive expectations and really no awareness of the affects of adoption upon me when i started out on this search.....I feel really quite mixed up about having a bsister an dhow to build a realsitic realtionship....and what I can hope for in being in realtionship wit her...

I am also now searching for my bsisters on my bfathers side....and just wonder if its all worht it...

anybody else have sitautions with siblings they ahve found and how you are handling your realtionships, especailly if they are really up and donw and going nowhere...

shef

[dmca]

Up and down is the way of all families, not just reunited siblings.
My sons are up and down all the time. As with any siblings, they have to take the good and bad.
It's hard to be a sibling and a stranger at the same time, I know but, hang in there. Never know what will come out of it.
and remember, sometimes, siblings just don't get along, ever. That being the case, they usually, in maturity, are polite to each other and leave the relationship at that.
dmca

[pinkcarebear]

In my search for my bparents, whom are still together and married, my bsister intercepted the letters i sent to bmom. I had always been so caught up in the idea of meeting bmom/bdad that i never really thought of bsister. well to make a long story short, i met bsister and it was the best thing to happen to me. i still have not reunited with bparents but bsister was able to answer alot of questions and has been more support to me than anyone else in my life. we continue to have a relationship based on friendship without any expectations other than being friends.

[snuffie]

I am reunited with my 8 birth siblings. It's been five years now. I love each one and every one but each of our relationships is different. I think much like it must be in a "traditional" family that is untouched by adoption. My sibs never knew about me until I showed up so I had the advantage of knowing about all of them and preparing myself. I was a shock to all of them. They have welcomed me with open arms though and that is wonderful. Our lives are extremely busy and we live on opposite ends of the country but we email, write and talk on the phone, sometimes for hours. (Thank goodness for unlimited minutes!
Relationships take time to build and it takes time to feel comfortable with the amount of contact each one feels comfortable with.
The best advice that I was given was to take things slowly.

Having siblings can be one of the best parts of reunion!

Hugs
Snuffie

[Biggsista]

I have been reunited with a brother for a few years now..it has been very difficult..one week I am extremly happy that we started talking again, and then the next week or two later I am figuring out how I want to tell him to take a hike. I feel like since he has moved (about 45 min away ), it is only my husband and myself who make the effort to see each other.. Every time we invite him and the wife over here for dinner etc..there is always an excuse or they are busy with plans. I am the type of person that is all or nothing..I don't want just the obligated holiday or birthday phone calls..I don't want a one way relationship..my question?? Should I walk away instead of being further angry or hurt? Last time I did say something on how it took a month to get a phone call back he really gave me an attitude..Is it too much to ask for a little respect? Really, how long does it take to pick up the phone and say "Im sorry I got your message but I'm really busy blah blah" any input would be appreciated..

[shef]

hi biggsista,

I understand what you are experiencing ......in the desire for so much more than what your brother seems to be offering....or witholding really. My bsister was the same......it was me who had/has to do the pushing...and it used to get me into a real mood....and i often thought of just taking a hike myself. Nothing much has changed, except my expectations of a sibling relationship with soemone who does not know me, and is not sure she really wants what i want. We are what is called relative....strangers...if I want to keep in some form of communication, then i will not push it anymore.....a real live relationship is two ways......it might be that you dont have to end it all...but perhaps pull back and look at what is really realistic, and waht is the reality of this realtionship now you know a lottle more of how he operates..just my thoughts

shefalie

[Biggsista]

Hi Shef,
I truly appreciate your words and most of all your understanding..this is truly one of the most difficult things I've had to deal with. I often think.. "be happy, you at least know he is doing well" and then the other side says "screw him, you tried and you tried even when you were young, how much longer will you let someone make you feel bad" I agree with you about not "pushing" it anymore and wish I could be that way..truth is if I am hurting I will tell you exactly what I am feeling at that moment no matter what the consequences but it is really pure honesty from my heart..that is what I am afraid of..I don't wan't to end it..but then again, I don't wan't to feel this way anymore.. It is very hard for me to give anyone my heart and soul 100% I did and I feel like I made a mistake...I guess for now I will try and focus on other things but what to do when he calls again? I don't know how to handle it.. How do I keep the lines of communication open (if someday he is truly ready) without sounding as bitter as I feel and telling him to take a hike???? I honestly wish I could say "I love you and I always wanted to be a part of your life..but honestly I don't think that you were ready, I think that you were forced into a relationship with me when Dad was dying. When you are truly ready if ever and would like to have a relationship I will be here for you, untill then, please do not feel like you have to contact us..you owe us nothing. The only thing I ever wished for is that my family wanted to be a part of our lives. I have felt like myself and my husband has been struggling to be a part of your life when you have not tried to be a part of ours. Actions speak louder than words and thats what I have gone by my entire life. Anyway, take care of yourself and know that I do love you."

[shef]

Hi Biggsista,

You sound as if you have tried so hard in this relationship, and so many hopes and dreams...that seem possible to be fullfilled, but your goal...is not obtainable..becasue it has to be dependent upon his response....and that you are not in control of...and i have found that is so much waht causes me the frustration...if you know what I mean.

what you say here to me says it all:quote:how much longer will you let someone make you feel bad" ......what is is about what he does or does not do that makes you the one who feels bad? You desire to have a relationship is not bad. Your need to have him in your life is not bad. To me you sound an honest woman......with integrity.......just becsue he does not answer you...says more about him than you my friend...but again this is just my opinion for waht it is worth...I can feel your pain...and hurt.......
I have found being black and white does not bode well in important realtionships. Yet living in the unknown is hard.....allowing pswace to breath and to just be..and for growth in a relationship have its own process.....you have done much to try and get him interested inyou and your family.......you have written what you really feel..and if yo have all these negative feelings, maybe thats the way you can find to get it all out, instead of possibly dumping it on him if and when he calls......I know, becsue I had years of feeling that way with my sister, and I did dump on her..becasue i didnt know how to cope with it all......and there was silence then fromher end for years...until i got myself more together..and approached her again, and asked to meet f2f to talk about how she saw things...how i saw things....and how could we continue/ in the end she said can we just try to be like friends.....we are sisters by blood, but have no common history, no time together really, just the few times we have met, that does not make a realtionship......it truly is hard biggsista....keep sharin gout your feelings about it an dlet us support you through this difficult time......untilyou can see the way a bit clearer....of course only if you want too

shefalie

[Biggsista]

Hi Shef,
Thankyou so much for your post! I have been thinking for the past couple of days and you are right in what you say.. I guess I am more hurt at what he doesn't do. I think if it were that way in the beginning though I would chalk it up to him just being him. I feel like I guess, the "novelty" wore off for him and now feel dumped. It especially ticks me off seeing my husband call him every week without a return phone call. Not just me, but I feel they used him. My husband has done so much for them, construction on their house and everything else and they cant even be bothered to call him back on a Sunday and say hey, come on over for football. The one thing I do realize is that I can't make him out to who he is not. At this point I really don't want to talk to him at all because I think it would be more of me telling him off than anything. Today I am not just hurt I am mad and dissapointed all wrapped up in one. Thanks for listening to all my crap..getting it out helps..

[Mom2be9257]

Shef,

I am reunited with my bmom. She has a son, and I consider him her son, not my bbrother. The first time I stayed at her home, he literally terrorized me! I had just gotten out of the shower and he kept trying to get into my room - literally throwing his body against the door. So, there went that relationship!

The point that I am trying to make is that growing up, I always dreamed of a brother or sister. In reality, you come into this persons life ... and they may not be ready for you. Good Luck!

[chris1965]

Shef, after reuniting with my bmom two years ago I have yet been able to establish any type of relationship with her only son (my 1/2 brother), who's one year younger than me. We've met once and had a good visit but we didn't seem to really hit it off and I have yet to hear from him. He and bmom do live almost 6 hours away. I don't think he's resentful or jealous of me in anyway; I just think he simply has no interest in this aspect of his/his mother's life. As long as my relationship with my bmom progress, I see him as a bonus to my reunion experence and not a necessity.

Chris

[Hillory]

Finally I have found you all! This forum is the reason I came to adoption.com in the first place. To talk about my bsister. I met my bmom in March and in April I met her daughter. I am 20 and her daughter is 18... she was only 15 when she had me. Anyways more or less my bmom is happy that I have contacted her but her daughter is not so happy. She hasn't spoken much to me and it doesn't seem like she wants anymore to do with me. This really sucks for me because I want to have a relationship with her... even if things are rocky for the first while between me and my bmom I would love to have a relationship with her. It's hard because there are so many things that play into this... she's so young and graduating etc etc....
I just don't know what to do and I really want to know her. Help....

[ripples]

Hi Shef,
I've been in reunion with 2 of my birth siblings here in Taiwan since last November. And through the barriers of language, culture and socio-economic circumstances, there is a lot of push-pull dynamics going on. Plus, my birth sister is extremely jealous and even from comments from my Taiwanese roommate, she comes across as really pushy even by Taiwanese standards. My birth brother keeps hitting me up for citizenship sponsorship even 'tho I've only met him for 2 days of my life.

I recognize that there are all kinds of reasons, happy reasons, painful reasons, etc; behind the dynamics in post-adoption reunions. It's tough, it's a roller coaster, but all I can say is that I keep reflecting back to the question, "If this were one of my not-so-well-known relatives on my adoptive family side, how would I respond?".

I agree with the others who'd responded in this discussion - go slow. Have patience, keep in touch with what you're prepared to do and what you're not. In the end, we really can't control what others think/do/feel/say, we can only do our best in responding in a way that is both true to ourselves as well as has some respect/integrity for our b-siblings.
In some cases, it may well be a situation (as is the case with non-adoptee relationships) that you and your sibs don't get along.

Today will be our first in-person meeting since last November. Roller coaster, here I come. I'm glad I at least have some basic Chinese language and cross-cultural skills - from what I've read on this web site, trying to navigate post-adoption reunions/relationships is hard enough in one's native language/culture.

[dmca]

ripples? Did you have to learn chinese as a second language or did you learn it while you were young?
I've heard it's a difficult language to learn, is that true?
So? did you get any pictures of Taiwan? man, am I nosy. sorry. One of my dreams is to visit Asia.
hugs
dmca

[Biggsista]

Hillory- it is difficult because maybe your sister is somewhat jealous? 18 is a young age to all of a sudden have their mom paying attention to someone else? (even though you are just as much a daughter as her) Anyway, unfortunately you can't force someone to have a relationship with you.. I had a great reunion in the beginning and now all of a sudden I feel like I was dumped on.. It really hurts..I'm just hoping that people will come around eventually but I cannot continue to make all the effort. As far as your sister, maybe you can send her a card saying exactly what you said to us and as she matures she may come around.. if she doesn't try to focus on those around you who really appreciate you.. take care and keep us posted!