[heartbeat]

I've always been interested in family history and heritage, and I recently started focusing on it with charts and genealogy sites rather than 23 scraps of paper. I tend to concentrate more on my a-families because of years spent hearing names of distant relatives, but I also work on my b-families names. It's kind of unique having 4 families to search for. btw, when I was around 10 I'd hear my folks say things like "She's a Mormon" or "He comes from the Mormon side". When it finally dawned on me that we attended a Presbyterian church, I said "Mom! I thought we were Mormon?!!" When the laughter died down - did I mention I hate big brothers? - Mom said "No, honey, Grandma's family name is Moorman."

Do any of you enjoy genealogy. Do you have a tendency to search one family name over another? Are you doing it for a specific reason, or simple curiosity?

Curiously, heartbeat

[rilo kiley]

Heartbeat...lol about the Mormon bit. Oh I could share a few of my own...if I felt like reliving some of grief I took.

Genealogy. My afamily is big on it. At least on my dad's side. A few of them are always seaching. Telling us things that are supposed to really interest me. And to tell you the truth, it never felt like it belonged to me. It's not my genetic makeup so why should I care who did what to whom? However, where our last name came from really interested me. So, since the name is a part of my identity- I can claim it and be interested? But while the actual history of the people doesn't relate to my biological makeup I reject it? I don't know.

I just sent a letter to my bdad today (the second letter) and asked him to share any of his family's history with me. I told him I was hungry for it. That I hated the family trees in school because they didn't feel related to me. And I was thinking, since I wrote the letter, and even before, my bparents and their history isn't really mine either, I'm stuck between two families. But, I am currently really interested in my bfamilies history. I want to see family trees, I want to see the records, family names, the whole thing.

My brother (my aparent's bio-son) just had a baby boy 2 months ago and he was looking through all that family history my uncle found so he could look at "family names". It really upset me. I can't express it exactly. But "family names" have always irritated me. I guess because I haven't ever felt that names have as much importance as families place on them? Like, if they meant so much to who you are, shouldn't I have my original name? Where do I belong? Or better yet, Who do I belong too?

Maybe it's been a part of my rebellious spirit. I don't know. I'll be curious to read other people's thoughts on this. Thank you for the thread heartbeat~ really intersting things...

[heartbeat]

Hiya Rilo,

Interesting reply. I can identify with your feelings about it not being your family, etc. I think part of my interest is it's just fun - I could be researching Jane Doe down the street. It is a funny feeling when I think I may be onto something cool in my afamily, because then I go, "ohhh I'm adopted."

I think another thing is that I'm able to step back and remove myself from my parents. See, in my family, it was mom and dad as a couple, and then 3 adopted kids. We always felt that their relationship was more important than the family relationship and felt excluded. But anyway, I can step back and view them objectively, and when I do that, and eliminate negative growing up stuff, they're pretty neat people. They're also both gone. I think it's easier for me to see them as people, with hopes and dreams and goals and problems now. Not to mention this has been an active, ongoing project for me for almost 30 yrs.

I feel relief. I started to say, and miss them, but no - I miss the family we could have been. I didn't let go of the fantasy that many of us have until a few years ago. There were steps, I didn't do it all at once. But that was one of the hardest things I've ever done. They would never give me what I needed, support me like I wanted, accept and love me like I was aching for. To give them the benefit of the doubt, maybe they did love me and accept me just as I was, maybe I really was good enough. But ya know...if the letter you wrote never gets mailed, it's as good as not having been written.

Interesting too the way you feel about names. They've always been very important to me. I don't mean as in lineage or being a Kennedy 54 times 80 removed. I mean just names. Now I know what the social worker named me, and it's a fine Irrrish name.

I don't know how old you are rilo. I suspect it's significantly lower than 50. I don't mean this in any way shape or form to be condescending, but I think you'll find more peace as you get older. I found my bfamily in Feb, but I was more at peace even before finding them than I was just 5-6 years ago. They unintentionally damaged me in ways I'm not sure will ever be healed, but I released them of that about 10 yrs ago. I was who I was. They were who they were. Not much else to think about beyond that, for me. I'm still in therapy working on long-buried wounds, that's my stuff now.

Did you find out your heritage? I was dying to know that.

But, I am currently really interested in my bfamilies history. I want to see family trees, I want to see the records, family names, the whole thing.

<nods> Even if you didn't participate in their history previously, those are your genes, what in large part makes you who you are.

Warmly, heartbeat

[rilo kiley]

Heartbeat- yes 20 years shy of near 50. I think you're right. That's what I was trying to say, not very concisely, that I'm beginning to understand and admit some of my indifference to the family history could be a rebellion of sorts. Or of not allowing myself full ownership of the family ancestry.

I have tried to get my amom to tell me all about her childhood and all she can remember about her family since I was 13, she doesn't want to share very much. It seemed if I could understand where her fears and anxiety came from (her abusive family) then I could unravel and forgive and understand the way she parented me. I used to have no patience for my older brother because he didn't care why she did what she did- only that it was wrong or hurtful to him.

Interesting to think about who we are, what we inherit. My adad has a favorite song he plays at family get-togethers and takes off his glasses and sheds a few silent tears to (he never cried when I was a child, the only time and first time I saw him cry was when we put our family dog to sleep, I was shocked at his tears, I was 5 or 6.) it's a Marc Cohn song.

It's called, "The Things We've Handed Down."

"Don't know much about you
Don't know who you are
We've been doing fine without you
But, we could only go so far
Don't know why you chose us
Were you watching from above
Is there someone there that knows us
Said we'd give you all our love


Will you laugh just like your mother
Will you sigh like your old man
Will some things skip a generation
Like I've heard they often can
Are you a poet or a dancer
A devil or a clown
Or a strange new combination of
The things we've handed down


I wonder who you'll look like
Will your hair fall down and curl
Will you be a mama's boy
Or daddy's little girl
Will you be a sad reminder
Of what's been lost along the way
Maybe you can help me find her
In the things you do and say

And these things that we have given you
They are not so easily found
But you can thank us later
For the things we've handed down


You may not always be so grateful
For the way that you were made
Some feature of your father's
That you'd gladly sell or trade
And one day you may look at us
And say that you were cursed
But over time that line has been
Extremely well rehearsed
By our fathers, and their fathers
In some old and distant town
From places no one here remembers
Come the things we've handed down"



So as a grown woman I see my daddy cry to this song. He needs to share it with the family. He is expressing himself in a way I have never before witnessed. He is sentimental now. He is older. He is soft sometimes around the edges. Though still hard and narrow and sharp at the drop of the hat. And as much as I try to let this song and his emotion pass onto me, I get caught up in the biological parts. I know also that we hand down a lot of things- issues, addictions, abuse, fears, frustrations, loves, appreciation of art, music, beauty, knowledge, strength, all sorts of things- but I guess since I am not quite yet at mid-life (if I get a good long life, but even if it were mid-life already- it would be a blessing of a life time) and I am so new with the bfamily reunion- I want to know those things. The things passed down on that side as well. I think knowing both sides all 4 sides (like you said!) would be the best. I hope to find out. I don't know anything yet about my bfamilies history. They haven't shared more than their stories which they began right before my birth, so I still don't know.

Heartbeat, you are working out so much. I love to read your posts. I am always happy to think about what you bring to the front, to the top, well, not always happy, but always thinking....

Thank you for the thread. It makes me feel ok to reconcile some of these juvenile responses.

[rilo kiley]

Oh, heartbeat, also, I liked what you said- "stepping back" from the family while you research. Once removed. I can really appreciate that. I felt ok and happy with the family trees until I had to publicly own or gush over them.

Maybe because I really wanted to own them. That history. But then I feel like a fraud. Claiming a history that isn't mine? Confusing.

[heartbeat]

ohhh I just wish I could hug you tight. I understand so much of what you're feeling. I don't think you'll take this negatively - I wish you could allow yourself to feel close to someone in your afamily. Sounds like your dad might be a good one. It's hard to see your dad cry, isn't it? Hard to witness the vulnerability. I wanted to know how to handle it, how to feel myself, so I imagined myself crying in front of both of them when I was 15 and so angry. And I pictured different reactions they could have and how those might make me feel. Turns out the best one, and the most painful, at least at first, was to simply look at dad, acknowledge the tears, put a hand on his shoulder - basically just say with or without words, I'm sorry you're hurting, or I see that you're hurting. I knew that the time I was crying, that if they'd looked away or gotten up from their chairs muttering things to the therapist about needing to get going, that it would only emphasize their discomfort, which in turn would increase mine. I was already angry that I was crying in front of them, that reaction would have made it much worse, I think it would have caused me shame.

Your mom not talking about her past. Like you, I'm sure it would have helped you a lot. But I can also understand not being able to. I think it's possible that the reason my mom never suggested getting a physical when year after year passed and I still had no period, might have been in part because of her infertility. She didn't know why I wasn't, but maybe in her unconscious she was afraid there might be reminders or pain if she helped me with it. She had TB just after she got married, and had to spend 6 months in what they called a TB Sanitarium - nothing to do with mental health. The TB scarred her tubes badly.

I kept my folks at arm's length since about age 14. It was self-defense. I simply couldn't trust them any more with my feelings, that had been proven numerous times. I never gave up the wish for true closeness though, and I'd try 'just one more time' several times over the next 20 yrs. I'd go to them with big stuff, hoping that this time they'd give me what I needed. I actually turned away from my then DH and went to them when my best friend was killed. She'd betrayed me horribly by sleeping with my fiance - someone she'd set me up with, and we hadn't spoken in 2 yrs. She was 19 and I was 20. We ran into each other on a Saturday night, got together Sunday to talk, we forgave and accepted forgiveness, planned to meet Monday, and she was killed late Sunday night. I went to them, crying, and told them. Dad said, "Well, L***had a lot of problems." EXCUSE ME?? So she's better off dead?!

Oh well, like I said, I had to finally let go of the fantasy and instead see what was.

Heartbeat, you are working out so much. I love to read your posts. I am always happy to think about what you bring to the front, to the top, well, not always happy, but always thinking....

Thank you. You don't know what that means to me. I have probably close to 25 posts in My Documents that I wrote but didn't post for various reasons. Mostly because I feel I've written way too much and its a personal story and I wouldn't blame people for wishing I'd shuddup. I try to remind myself I'm here for me, not to please, but it's hard when that's what you've done most of your life. My life has been so darned full of experiences. Something will be said that reminds me of a story and I have to decide whether or not it's one I can shorten. Like earlier in this post when I was talking about crying in front of my folks. That's a story in and of itself - someone may have literally gotten killed that day due to my tears and immaturity and choosing to runrunrun get away. I'll never know. But I'm sure they were seriously hurt at the very least and though I didn't mean it, it sickens me.

I have hundreds of stories - I was a very wild child after 15. Between good timing and the right persuasive friend, I've decided to write a book. I've often been told I should, but no way could I face all the pain before now. Having it in black and white, on paper, makes it so much more raw, in-your-face, and sometimes downright ugly.

I just don't get why life has to hurt so much. I'm a loving, compassionate person. What did I do to deserve so much pain. Almost every freakin memory I have can be associated with a painful experience. Darn you - that post about your dad got me all teary.

Thanks for listening.

Warmly, heartbeat

P.S. anyone who cries over a dog is darned good people in my book.

[rilo kiley]

hello heartbeat-

Thank you for your thoughts. My dad is a good man! It's nice to share that and have you say that as well. It made me a little choked up. We've always had dogs and they were always very loved and respected members of our family.

Unreal about your bestfriend. I'm so sorry to hear that- and also so glad you reconnected with her before the tradegy. Forgiveness- such a beautiful gift.

Have a happy day heartbeat.

[SchmennaLeigh]

When I placed Munchkin, my Mom and I made a CD-rom with her entire lineage in an Excel file.

[heartbeat]

We've always had dogs and they were always very loved and respected members of our family.

Yep, when I adopt a pet, or it adopts me, it's for life. I'm thankful I've never been put in the position of having to decide on a place to live or my animal, with no other options available. If it were a choice between homelessness or keeping my pet, I would probably have to choose losing my pet,(but maybe not) but I'd lose a chunk of self-respect and question how committed I was to my values.

I'm glad to hear you say your dad's a good man. I sensed you felt it, but it kind of cements it when we declare it.

Unreal about your bestfriend. I'm so sorry to hear that- and also so glad you reconnected with her before the tradegy. Forgiveness- such a beautiful gift.

I've had a few strange events in my life; for the most part I don't believe in coincidence. I believe that a universal power or force put us in close proximity so we'd have the opportunity to finish things. I could forgive so as not to live with guilt that could never be resolved; she was given the chance to ask forgiveness so her spirit wouldn't carry an unfinished lesson. To top it all, she was buried on my birthday - we were both adopted, so b'days were significant to us both.

Warmly, heartbeat

[heartbeat]

When I placed Munchkin, my Mom and I made a CD-rom with her entire lineage in an Excel file.

That's awesome! What forethought, Mom. So you'll keep it for the day she might find you?

I'm really impressed. Do you have any idea how many adoptees would love to have one of those, or heck, even a bunch of scraps of paper with scribbles!

Very sweet gift for your Munchkin.

Warmly, heartbeat

[annelizly]

oh I totally get this!

Whenever I say something to one of my cousins about our grandmother(whom none of us knew because she passed away before any of us was born) I start to say "our grandmother" and then stumble over the words and end up saying "your grandmother". I just can't say it! I don't feel it! I know more about their family history than they do but I don't think I feel the same towards them. I can't claim them because the only thing that any of us share with ancestors that we never met is "blood" and "DNA".

[esp1222]

It's funny that I came up on this post. I love to study genealogy!!! I started searching and making our family tree a long time ago. I have only looked at my family that adopted me. To me, they are my only family. I guess some people would think it is silly for me to research a blood line that I don't even belong to, but I feel like that doesn't matter, they are my family...so I love to learn about the history and past of my family.

I would love to also research my birth family, but that is virtually impossible since my birthmother and I don't communicate and when we did, she wouldn't even give me medical history info, much less tell me anything about "her" family.

[heartbeat]

I guess some people would think it is silly for me to research a blood line that I don't even belong to, but I feel like that doesn't matter, they are my family...so I love to learn about the history and past of my family.

Well, I'm one of the ones who doesn't think it's silly at all. Like you said, they are your family.

I'm older than dinosaurs, so I'm thinking open adoptions weren't even invented when I was relinquished. In reading throughout these forums, I see one positive about closed adoptions - there was no question - they were your family, period, and were so forever. They've never been less than that to me, and they never implied or even reminded me that I wasn't born to them.

I would love to also research my birth family, but that is virtually impossible...

Granted, that would make it more difficult, but it could be done if you have her name. I don't have a soul to consult with in my research. When I'm doing my adopted family, I go by memories and recognition of names, and of course records like marriages that connect other names. Right now I'm simply gathering a lot of data - some will be rejected as I find out they're not related. My bfamily is harder since I know very little and it'll be a while before I can learn anything.

Glad you liked the topic. It's been kind of free-flowing and going here and there, which is perfectly ok.

Warmly, heartbeat

[heartbeat]

I start to say "our grandmother" and then stumble over the words and end up saying "your grandmother".

I'm guessing you're referring to your bfamily? If so, yeah, I know what you mean. I stumbled a couple of times when referring to my b-mom to my halfsisters. But they've been very welcoming to me, so I finally said screw it - she's my mom too. In fact, she was my mom before she was their mom! LOL

Warmly, heartbeat

[snuffie]

I've always been very interested in genealogy and also very frustrated too. Being an adoptee I didn't really want to research my afamily as I felt that even though they are my "real" family the gene part of genealogy didn't hold true.
Now that I am reunited researching my family tree has been one of my most favorite things to do. I have history back to the 1700's and would like to go back even further if I can someday when I have more time on my hands.(Hah, like that will ever happen) I have some pictures of great, greats too!
It is awesome!

Snuffie