[Wendiness]

I'm new here and I'm finding your comments about genealogy very interesting.

I'm compiling a book on the family genealogy for our big reunion. There are about 100 relatives and about 15% are adopted (cousins, nephews, my own son, etc.)

I've written an introduction discussing adoption and genealogy. I recognize that my adopted relatives might feel strange about a genealogy but I've tried to explain that genealogy isn't about who has blue eyes or brown but rather, for our purposes, the traditions, faith, and upbringing that has been handed down.

I don't want to ignore the issue but I don't want to belabor it, either. Likewise, I don't want to pretend our adopted family don't have an additional heritage.

I haven't made any distinction in the family genealogy as to who is or isn't adopted because nobody keeps track and I'm not even sure (except for my own son and nephew). I just know there are a lot.

How would you feel about this? I don't want to upset anybody.

[heartbeat]

Hi Wendiness,

cute name, makes me feel like I should curtsy deeply while saying "Welcome to our humble forum, Your Wendiness" <grin>

If I understand correctly, your concern is about your extended adopted family, and whether you making an introduction, or bringing up the subject of adoption at all, would upset anyone.

As far as the other adoptees goes, there's no way for you to know where they are in their journey, and the subject of adoption does definitely have some minefields. But, their issues are their issues. I see no reason for you not to do as you'd like to in order to protect them, especially since you're not naming names.

For those whose lives don't involve adopting, or those who have adopted, I don't see a problem.

One approach I think I would use is almost a celebratory one - 15% adoptees in one family is a significant number of people, and I think I'd be tempted to kind of make that the central point.

You've probably already thought of these points, but I'd make sure I spoke for myself. It's so easy to fall into generalizations. For example, rather than "It's natural for adoptees to wonder and even seek out their birth families" it would be better to say "I've always wondered about my birth family and where some of my traits came from." (I don't know if that's true for you, just pointing out the focus on me, rather than making assumptions about the other adoptees. Make sense?)

I recognize that my adopted relatives might feel strange about a genealogy but I've tried to explain that genealogy isn't about who has blue eyes or brown but rather, for our purposes, the traditions, faith, and upbringing that has been handed down.

It sounds as if for you, it's not about blue eyes, short nose, etc., but for many it is. Maybe instead of saying 'it isn't about..' you might consider saying 'it isn't just about eyes and hair etc, but it's also about...' That should cover all your bases. <smile> And, that would be a perfect lead in to something like, "Our family seems to be adding something to our heritage that many of you may not have considered, and that's the concept of adoption. Did you realize that 15% of this family are adopted? ...etc"

I'm just throwing out ideas that might be useful to you which might help get a favorable response. Kind of a 'let's take pride in our family for this, along with the many other reasons that we're proud of who we are.'

Obviously, you know them better than I do and have at least an idea of what will work.

Bottom line, imo, is that if you speak only for you, no one can fault you. They are your feelings, after all. Personally, I think it's very cool that you have such a large percentage of adoptees. Whether we want to be members or not, we are our own special group, as are any people who are grouped together due to a difference from the main population. The other thing you might keep in mind is that no matter what you say, there may just be an Aunt Prissy who won't like it. Maybe the whole family knows she never likes anything, or maybe that's not the case. I'm simply saying don't expect the worst, but be semi prepared so you don't have a disappointing day.

Sounds fun! Let us know how it goes - I'm sure interested!

Warmly, heartbeat

[esp1222]

Originally Posted by Wendiness

I've written an introduction discussing adoption and genealogy. I recognize that my adopted relatives might feel strange about a genealogy but I've tried to explain that genealogy isn't about who has blue eyes or brown but rather, for our purposes, the traditions, faith, and upbringing that has been handed down.

I thought the part about who has blue eyes or brown hair was interesting...and even funny to me. I guess I should explain. I have dark hair and really dark brown eyes and my skin is also very dark (especially in the summer or when I tan)...which has ALWAYS brought up the question "what do you have in you" of course I don't know the answer. I had a miscarriage and then a baby boy who was born 13 weeks early and lived only 31 hours. Then, my daughter Mackenzie was born. She is completely opposite of me! She has light brown hair (it used to almost be blond, but it is getting darker), she has blue eyes, fair skin, and lots of adorable freckles on her face (which I love, because I have none). She burns in the sun in a second.

I always assumed because I am so dark that I would be the dominant parent and my child would be dark also. I tell people now that God is just playing a little joke on me, to show me that the fact that she is part of me by blood really doesn't really matter, she came out looking like she did, and she is still mine. I always thought, even though I have no issues with being adopted, that having a child "blood related" to me would somehow still be different. It isn't. She is no more my daughter than I am my parents. It just doesn't work that way! Just a thought I wanted to share.

[heartbeat]

I tell people now that God is just playing a little joke on me, to show me that the fact that she is part of me by blood really doesn't really matter, she came out looking like she did, and she is still mine.

LOL Good attitude! Genes are so funny - one family can have 6 kids and you know immediately they belong together because of the resemblance, like the red-haried family in Harry Potter. Other families are all genetically related and no one looks like anyone. I had a friend whose husband was wondering and a bit upset because they were both dark, but had a blond, fair, blue-eyed baby. The majority of babies come with blue eyes, and if their genes dictate brown, they change later. My mom had pitch black hair by the time she was 5, but was born with blond fuzz. I told my friend to reassure her husband that it was quite possible - that they were both heterozygous for hair color and eye color. They were both blond/brown and if the child's eyes stay blue, then they were also blue/brown. Green eyes are another one that requires both parents to contribute a green eye gene. In a couple that's brown/brown and blond/brown, the blond will never be expressed.

Mackenzie - I've always loved that name for a girl. So you haven't found out what your heritage is? Let's seeee...Italian, Spanish, Mediterranean...oh, and American Indian. I wouldn't be surprised if in a gazillion more centuries, we're all darker and blond/blue/fair is eliminated since that type is more susceptible to skin problems and blue eyes are more sensitive to bright sun. If we still exist!

Warmly, heartbeat

[esp1222]

Heartbeat,

I know from finding my bmother that I am indian and irish...and I think my bfather was polish and russian...so, I figure, I'm a mutt...just like everyone else in this big melting pot! (I think the correct term may be salad now)...

Another funny (and another reason I am so thankful to be adopted)...my family is full of twins...they are everywhere. My brother has two sets. Identical boys that are 7 1/2 and fraternal girls who are 4. (No fertility drugs at all!) Anyway, my brother (who I still call Bubba and Kenzie calls "uncle Bubba") has brown eyes and so does his wife. The boys have brown hair and blue eyes. One of the girls has almost white hair and blue eyes and then there is the other girl...she has dark brown hair and dark brown eyes! Talk about looking like you don't belong....the girls look like they aren't even sisters, much less twins!

See how much Kenzie and me look alike? LOL....I attached a picture!

[amytwice]

I love genealogy! When I was small it made me feel part of my afamily to know the names and stories of the past. I have done research on my bfamily as well. It seemed such a gentle place to start. It was a good conversation starter too when things were dragging with the bparents. I have been so fortunate and have even gotten pictures of bfamily back three generations. I'm always looking for that familiar face.

[mlassi]

I really love this thread. I always research my afamily. I felt somehow they were connected to my bfam somehow. It turns out, the minister who arranged my adoption is connected to my bmom's fam. I still research all lines. My amom wouldnt talk about her family, and I have uncovered reasons why. My bdad was adopted by his stepfather, and I have that line to research. When my son took his tree to his school, it looked very odd. Name changes (bmom's dad changed the family name) and all the adoptions. But I was able to include all aspects of my family lines.
Mary

[kakuehl]

Geneology is always a fun subject. When I was little, my grandmother would drag us from cemetery to cemetery checking out where ancestors were buried and looking for more clues. I am a member of the DAR (Daughters of the American Revolution) which is fun for the genealogical connections (not so much for some of their "modern" views) and for the connection to my grandmother. My mother's dad started looking but stopped after her found the "skeleton in the closet."

One of the fun things I got to do with D was to share some of the stories about his biological ancestors. For me it's as much about the stories as the names. Or maybe I should say it's the stories that go with the names that I like.

I can see that being adopted adds a complication. I feel some confusion myself: D's afamily IS his family and yet my family is his family as well. I like the idea that being adopted just gives you more family connections to celebrate!

Have fun in your searches!

[happygmom]

My children make fun of me if we drive past a cemetary and I do not stop. I have been working on our family tree for many years and have found it to be quite an adventure.

Adoption just increases the joy of genealogy because it means an entire new line to discover. Remember - cultural ties learned as a child are as important as biological ties. I had the amazing experience this year of "connecting" to a family tree that was formed 3 generations back through adoption. My husband and I met a cousin through the adopted line last summer. It was thrilling with the most amazing stories to share!!

Happy G'Ma

[Calebsmom]

A family is enriched by adoption! I like your family reunion thoughts regarding the family members who were adopted.

I am an amom who is also a genealogist. My son prefers to identify with his adoptive heritage even though I have been his advocate for biological family information all of his life.

My son would have had a family middle name (from my side) when we named him, but we chose to use his original first name (given to him by his birthparents) as his middle name instead. He has recently stated that he wishes that we had used DH's first name as his middle name. He doesn't care for my ancestor's name.

If you don't have names to research, the DNA genome projects are collecting data on individuals enough to compare yours with others to see what similarities you have.