[julie23]

I have been reunited with my bdaughter for two years. She is now just twenty.

During that time, I have kept her updated on the status of my terminally ill brother. He is nearing the end of his life.

In the last two weeks, my grandmother has had a stroke and my father has had a cardiac emergency resulting in a triple bipass on Monday... we almost lost him...

I updated her on all this... partly because I had previously asked her if she wanted to be updated about this sort of stuff... and she answered "yes" (But can you really answer that question honestly??? Like... gee, No ... I don't think so!)

but... there's something else that drives me to share... I can't quite explain it... it's a deeper connection... it's on a level that goes beyond... ummm... beyond the surface...

I feel comforted when she sends her prayers.... or hugs... sometimes, I just feel better knowing she knows...

BUT... I wonder... if it isn't too much... I don't think she would tell me if it was... it's just so dang much.... it's too much for me.... and the girls I am raising....

and I wonder if I have put her in a difficult place... I think she has a sensitive spirit... and I think she does care about her birth family... even those she hasn't met... and I wonder if I should hold back... but that doesn't seem the right thing to do either...

but can a twenty year old young woman really handle the conflicting emotions that go along with life or death situations in her birthfamily?? I dunno....

I care about her so much... I worry about her ... and I don't want to be a burden...

I dunno...

[sspete]

Hey Julie....

I hope you are doing well girl....Long time no "see"!!!

I was off for awhile myself...So you may have been around when I wasn't!!!

Anyway....I know exactly how you feel!! You want to give them all of this information about "the family", and it is hard to tell if they really are interested????

I find myself doing the same thing!! Like my grandmother is selling her house...Emotionally pretty hard for me....I LOVE that place!! I told my bdaughter this through email, why I don't know....To me she is a part of my family....She is flesh of my flesh....But I don't know if she gives one flip!!!

Continue to share with her....It may mean more than you realize. She may not respond in the way you want her to, but it shows you feel she is part of the family!!! Just my humble opinion!!!

Staci

[julie23]

Hi... staci...

At this point, I am really perfectly happy with her responses...

I am pretty sure she is interested and does care...

My main concern, truthfully, is... is it appropriate? I mean... I don't want to add more stress to her life... you know?? Don't we all have enough??

but... then I guess, that begs the question... does an adoptee actually feel stressed by birthfamily crisis.... or can they easily detatch... since they don't know the people involved...??

j

[eastendmommy]

Hi Julie,

I think it's appropriate for you to tell her these things... what she does with that information is entirely up to her, though. You have to ask yourself this : if you didn't tell her, and she found out after the fact, would she find it more upsetting to learn that you chose to not even let her know something was going on? It's a catch-22 maybe... danged if you do, danged if you don't. I would continue to share these important family events and happenings...she has a right to know.

Hugs, Tammi

[SchmennaLeigh]

Julie,

I'd simply encourage you to ask her, point blank. Questions, especially with basis in compassion, go a long way to show how much we care for those we love.

"Hey, I just wanted to make sure that involving you, if only by information, in all of this extra "stuff" wasn't too much for you to handle. I'm not saying you're not strong enough to handle things but I don't wish for you to have extra worry or pain on account of me."

Or some variation thereof! I know if my own Mother approached me with that statement regarding some issues in our family (I'm not adopted, our family is just having issues re: some stuff) I would be forever grateful and feel touched that she was thinking of me at ALL in the midst of all of this other "stuff."

You're all in my thoughts and prayers right now.

[julie23]

thanks so much...schmennaleigh... That is the perfect answer... sometimes I think too much about things... and struggle with actually articulating my thoughts...

your quote covers all the bases.... I might use it just as you wrote it...

thanks...
j

[SchmennaLeigh]

Originally Posted by julie23

sometimes I think too much about things... and struggle with actually articulating my thoughts...

LOL. Don't we all? I've got all the words in the world when it comes to others' struggles and issues. When it comes to mine? I'm at a loss, most often.

[dmca]

[quote=julie23]


Julie,
Keepher posted on family business. She IS family and that is her RIGHT. She can tell you if she doesn't want any news and so far has said yes, she does. We'd tell a distant cousin if this were happening, so why not your daughter? Get me?
I too have just reconnected with my birth daughter and I know how difficult this is. My family doesn't have any boundaries, so I will leave it to her to set some of her own and abide by them. To put it simply, I will take anything she can give me and be content. Better than never having seen her again and always wondering. Right?
I understand how you feel, "not wanting to be a burden" and I guess we all have that feeling. The thought that we are not entitled to be a part of their lives or hearts. It's always there for me, as well.
Did you ever meet her mother? I'm hoping to meet my daughters Mother and brother. That would be such a gift to me. For us all to know that that particular boundary stays in place. That her Mother and brother will always be her Mother and brother.( as well as the rest of her family)
Hang in there Julie, take what you can from her and enjoy it. hugs julie.

[julie23]

i shot her an email... just being honest and "reasking"...

and she answered... she definitely wants to be updated on things... if she weren't to be updated, it would be like "blocking out my family"...

i think i am too dependent on asking you guys for advice... instead of just starting with her!!! LOL

strange... though...i just don't trust my instincts with her... too afraid of messing up... i guess... gotta get rid of the fear... doesn't do any good...

j

[snuffie]

Hi Julie!
Now you have your answer! I am reunited with my bsibs and sometimes there are major things going on in some of their lives. I want to know about them. It makes me really feel a part of the family when they share their feelings and highs and lows of their lives with me.
I have a "baby" brother whom I haven't heard from in many months and I wonder if it is because he is having some problems or if he is just backing away. Always a fear whether well founded or not. I know I too have to work on getting rid of that fear. If you have any ideas I could sure use some!

You are in my prayers. How awesome to be reunited with your daughter!

Snuffie

[SchmennaLeigh]

We all have some fears, Julie. All we can do is work through them. By asking us for advice now and again, you are doing just that.

I'm glad you heard a positive response back. *hugs* You did just fine.