[aisha101]

How is this for the second letter?

Dear Birth Mom,

What an informal way to start a letter. But, I suppose I need to call you something seeing as we have not been properly introduced for 37 years.
This is my second letter to you. I know that you did receive my first letter over 6 months ago and your silence has hurt me deeply.

You must have some unresolved issues concerning me. Perhaps guilt, embarrassment, shame or denial. Maybe all or maybe something else entirely but whichever the case I am sorry that you can't seem to get past them. Obviously I am no longer a secret as your other daughters know of me so it is just me.

As stated in my previous letter I do not blame you for what you have done in the past. You did the only thing you knew how at the time. I grew up spoiled and loved and I thought I was raised to be a strong person to which my circumstances did not define me.

I must however, say that in the last few months I have thought of nothing else. I obsess over it. And, that bothers me greatly. I am normally the one in control and yet this time I have no control at all. Or so I thought.

But, I do have control in my own ways and this is why I am letting you off the hook. I do not want to walk around wondering why you won't see me let alone write me back or call. I never wanted an explanation from you as I feel that your daughters did that for you. I just wanted to see where I came from.

I feel that the only way that I can totally let this go is to put my self back where I was a year ago. Not knowing and be fine with that. Unfortunately that will probably mean that I will also have to end my relationships with your daughters.

I am sorry that I am the cause for your shame or guilt and I think in order to allow us to relinquish those thoughts and obsessions we need to totally let each other go in our minds and hearts.

So, with that said, I say goodbye. I wish you well.

Your birth daughter

[eastendmommy]

Dear Aisha... I don't know where to begin... I am a birthmother, and it would absolutely KILL me to receive that letter. That being said, however, I didn't receive a first letter that I ignored... I cannot ever fathom why some birthmother's don't respond to their child's request for some sort of contact... What I wouldn't have done to have received a letter from my son...I am the one who searched, he was not looking... It seems we are always at different places in this thing called reunion...whoever is the one searching always wishes it were the other way around...
It's small wonder why we rarely get on the same page with this...

I'm sorry that your Bmom has denied you the courtesy of a reply to your first letter... It makes me so angry at times... I would give my left lung for a letter from my son... for ANYTHING indicating he wanted some sort of relationship...

Man, if there was just a handbook that got given to each of us, wouldn't that be something?! A blueprint for helping us to navigate this tricky canal... Too many twists and turns and too much nail biting and hair pulling... I think I've developed ulcers from the worry of it all...

I hope that jolts her awake...WAKE UP, SILLY!! YOUR DAUGHTER WANTS CONTACT WITH YOU, ARE YOU DEAF OR SOMETHING? Sheesh... Why can't it just be 2 grown adults, starting from scratch...the way you'd begin any lasting relationship in your life...why does it have to be any different?...

I'm sorry that this is what it's come to for you, but I totally understand from your end....just not from hers...


Hugs, Tammi

[aisha101]

Well the letter is written and now all I need is somewhere to send it. I do not want it to go though her daughters because I know they keep protecting this poor old woman so they will serve no purpose to me, as I think they will read it before sending it. Who wouldn't lol.


I think I am going to try some different avenues first. It may take time and some effort.

Either that or I will not send the letter but make it clear through her daughters that I am done. With them and her.

I simply have to get my life back in order. This is why I say sometimes it was easier and better not knowing anything. Ignorance can sometimes be bliss

I know that your son will look for you one day. It may not be today or tomorrow but I think it will be soon. We are all curious as to where we came from. It beats us all sooner or later.

Thanks for the support (((HUGS))))

[eastendmommy]

Hi Aisha! I started with a list of 120 names of boys born on my son's birthday, narrowed it down to 6 and just started calling phone numbers. Wound up talking with his Amom...within a month, she called me back with his number (he lives in a small town just 2 counties away from me, and I used to live there 6 years ago!)

I called and spoke with him in February, arranged a DNA test - to be sure, cuz...I was quite the novice on the computer then! The results came in this past Monday and I am his birthmother! I am so insecure about calling him... thought (hoped) he would call me when he got his notification... But I'm getting ready to go and call him in a little bit...

I am going really, really close to his house tomorrow for Easter, and I'm planning on taking the 'back roads' home and drive by his house...not sure why, just want to see where in my old town he lives...

Again, sorry that things have come to this point for you, Aisha. I really don't get your Bmom...

Hugs, Tammi

[aisha101]

Well I wish you luck tomorrow. Perhaps you will find the courage to knock on his door or have him meet you somewhere.

How old is your son?

How was his Amom when you spoke to her?

Keep me posted!

[eastendmommy]

Hi Aisha. My son is 25, married and has a young daughter. At first, his Amom was a little stand-offish, but who can blame her...I had prepared for the contact, she had not...AND she had been assured by the adoption agency that I would never darken their doorstep. After I spent some time letting her know of my intentions, and that I had no desire to swoop in and take over, she warmed up quite a bit. She was very courteous and kind for the rest of the conversation, even asked me if I'd ever be willing to meet them. I told her it would be an honor to meet the people who raised my son to be the fine man he is today, and that if she didn't mind, I would most assuredly give her the hug of a lifetime for loving my son the way she and her husband do.

I left a message on his answering machine today...didn't really want to do that; wished him and his family a happy Easter and would he please give me a call back...
I'll be gone most of the day on Easter; wonder if there'll be a message on my machine when I get back.

I have no intention of just arriving on his front porch on Easter of all days, unannounced and uninvited...Not a very good first impression, I wouldn't think... Not my style... I do have to drive within 20 miles of his house getting to the highway back home...was just planning on a little 'detour' by his house...maybe I'll get lucky and he'll be out in the front yard with his family...and I can catch a glimpse of my son...

I'll let you know if I should happen to be that fortunate!!

Hugs, Tammi

[Howdy]

I think the tone of the letter is rather mean. If you know that her daughters (your bsisters?) would find it necessary to protect her from it if they read it, then you also must realize it is mean.

It is understandable to wish you had gotten the response that you wanted. But that doesn't mean that you had any rights to getting a particular response from her. So being disappointed is okay, but being angry and saying unkind things is not okay.

I like your plan of seeing yourself as in a different stage/state of knowledge. But is it really necessary to pretend it was a year ago? Can you see yourself instead as being happy with what little info you found? Maybe instead of trying to close this door and go back in time, you could envision yourself putting it aside for a set period of time (such as 3 years or 5 years, etc).

I don't know how to handle an obsession, but have you read any books about it? There might be some good techniques for coping. For example, after my sister was murdered I read a book about grief that suggested standing up and shouting NO! whenever sadness is taking over at an inconvenient time. Although I wasn't about to stand up and shout at the office, I did do that in my mind and it was a very helpful coping mechanism. Another example is my daughter (adopted last year), she survived many horrible horrible experiences and is, for example, afraid to close her eyes at night to sleep because she feels she needs to stay awake to watch for danger, and in the daytime she is clingy because she is so afraid. Her therapist recommended walkie-talkies so we can stay in touch if we are in different rooms, and I am getting her a puppy of a breed known for being a good watch dog (a Shetland Sheepdog that if the breed descriptions are correct, should be both gentle with children and yet bark their heads off if anything unusual happens) that will sleep in her room with her and give her a feeling of security that someone is on guard. So probably obsession has coping mechanisms too.

[aisha101]

Well perhaps it is mean but those are my feelings towards her right now. She is 76 and does not have 3-5 years to wait and I have waited for 37 years and for what?

I guess everyone has different ways of coping with different situations. Mine is to shut out anyone who will or may hurt me emotionally.

What I mean about a year ago was that I was okay where I was emotionally. Now I am not okay. I have read a few books but nothing really helped me as it did for you. I am glad that it did because it sounds like you have been through a rough patch.

How old is your daugher? I think what you are doing for her is great. A dog would be the best thing for her. I have two dogs and they are very protective of my children. They are german shephards. Aisha is 2 (hence my screen name) and Athena is 1. They are great with the kids and Aisha sleeps just outside the kids room every night.

I hope that your daughter gets better soon.

[abcg1977]

Kudos to you for putting your feelings into words that are understandable and clear. You were not disrespectful or hurtful. They were truthful and honest. THAT is what this thing IMHO matters, honesty. She did not respond to you therefore you told her what you had to do for yourself. THAT matters too . We can not fill ourselves until we protect, are honest with and respect our own needs. She obviously has respected her's by ignoring you.

I would add one line tho, One that says if she ever seeks contact you would be open to that. But, it would now have to be at her request. I would also add you will not hold your breath for that day because your life has to be happy and settled and healthy.

There are days when I too have to think "I am having a hard day...I need to remember the me before and go there today". Sometimes it is only for survival. JMO but. I think you have been so hurt that that is where you are right now. Survival.

I hope you find peace and can feel good about your letter. My only other suggestion would be to wait about a month, make sure ou feel the same then.

About your sister's well again JMO but, I have to make clean breaks too. Loose ends just make it all harder.

Good Luck-Ang.

[healingfeeling]

Hi Aisha

I'm so glad you're working on a second letter!!! you go girl!!!

I do agree with the tone though...kinda harsh.... I only say this because I've been coached through the letter writing process. I am guessing that you want to elicite a response? You may not get one with a harsh tone. Its really good to get those thoughts down on paper though....you need to get them out before writing to her again.

It took me 2 full weeks...working every night and with a reunion coach, to finish my letter.

From sentence one in your letter I can feel the anger...maybe read mine again....some of the things you want to say to her should be said to her face so she can't escape you...not in a letter that you want her to respond to.

Thanks for letting us help!!!!! Can't wait to see more.

xoxo
Jessica

[itsmenancy]

Actually, Ang & I don't usually agree on things ~ but I too have to say I don't see where it is coming off harsh.

I'm usually one that let's words hurt me, but I wouldn't be by these words. It's honest.

Silence hasn't hurt Aisha? She is in no way putting the blame on her b.mom or even bashing her - she is saying she is letting her off the hook.. & that Aisha herself is admitting she's the one who has done nothing but think about this woman - who has not acknowledged her.

Pure honesty. Did Aisha get that?

[krielly]

Ouch! Sorry, but that was my gut reaction to this letter.....

Of course, it all depends what you are looking to accomplish with the letter.........
If you're looking to "vent" and let it go, and totally walk away from this.........then I think this letter accomplishes that.
If you are hoping this will encourage her to contact you, and pave the way for some type of future communications......I think you should work on the tone.....

JMO.......

PS: why would you cease contact with your sisters as well? Maybe you have explained it elsewhere in the forums, and I just haven't seen it...........

[abcg1977]

You are right Nancy we do not usually agree but, we are both awesome gals, Right???

I think you are getting good advice here "Aisha"... Honesty is best...I guess we are all just different in our deliveries...Do what works best for you...

Later- Ang.

[itsmenancy]

That's right Ang ~ we are awesome. We each have our own ways & nothing wrong w/ that!

BTY, I have been keeping up on your thread, I think you are making great strides in ALL area's!

Take care.

Nancy

[aisha101]

Well thanks guys for all your imput good/bad and the ugly lol. I think your right tho, I will wait a little while Jessie because those were my emotions at that time. Just having one of those bad days but it is how I felt and still feel. I have your letter saved Jessie thank you.

I really do not have anywhere to send it anywany. Just made me feel better to write it but it is here and the beauty of letter writing is that you can edit before sending.

I will re-vamp and re post.

Thanks