[djminimart]

I posted this on another board, but thought here would be a good place too.

My birth mom found me many years ago when I was a teenager. As I have grown up, I have desired less and less of a relationship. I feel pressured to have a relationship with her when I don't feel all that connected to her. I perhaps have some anger towards her too. I don't want to stop knowing her, I just feel like I can't do it on her terms. I would be comfortable seeing her and her family once a year, but she desires more than that. She also seems extremely hurt by my communicating these desires to her.

Do any other adoptees feel this way? The only perspectives I find are from those who are longing for a relationship.

I'd be interested in other perspectives. Please share if you have some!

[hello&goodbye]

Maybe you could write you an letter ot email her with what you just said. She needs to understand boundries, and if she does not, you may pull back altogether and then she would really be hurt. Do not let her manipulate you in any way. This is just like any other relationship, the two people must be mutual in thier wants and needs, and it seems hers is to have a more close relationship then you want. It is not all about her, you matter too. Yes she may have some issues, but they are hers, NOT YOURS. Is she needs to heal, she should see a therapist to work through her feeling. You are doing all you can, nothing wrong with that.

[randloar]

A bit off what you are saying, but, my bdad died when I was 5, and his family never stopped wanting to meet me. When I was reunited with my bmom, she contacted them for me so we could all meet. They met me and called me their first born grandchild (but I was the youngest grandchild......it freaked me out), and I quickly pulled away from them.

It took them awhile to figure out that this had to work on my terms and that I wasn't looking for a replacement to my grandparents or parents. I can say that I didn't handle it all that well (avoidance), but I was 19-20 years old and panicked. I know that I really hurt their feelings, but we are finally coming to a middle ground and I can send them cards and check in on them and it works better.

So, my advice would be to try to talk with her and let her know what your needs are, and maybe taking a step back would give you more control and help get your relationship with her to a point that you are comfortable with. Its not easy, but you have to do what is best for you. She is the one that needs to respect your space, and learn to let you set the boundaries to your comfort at this point. Hang in there and good luck!

[djminimart]

I too have been avoiding for the last 4-5 yrs. When she first came into my life I was 19 and curious and also a lot more passive than I am now. I went along with pretty much whatever she wanted. As I grew older I started to say 'no' more often, but never explained myself. The last few years I have felt worse and worse for not explaining myself, yet extremely guilty and fearful to say why...I just have communicated my needs this winter and I do finally feel some control over our relationship, however, perhaps because it is so recent, we're not on very good terms right now. She sent me a letter last week and I just felt like the most horrible person! I think I have hurt her a lot and that just feels horrible to know what I need is hurtful to someone else. I don't know why but I keep needing to hear from other people that what I desire is normal!

[jeepngretchen]

This is crazy, I have been searching for the last 3 days for someone to talk to about my problem, and seems that you have the exact same thing going on that I do regarding my birthmother. I saw you on here but couldnt private you quick enough because im out at sea and the computers are slower than dirt. Anyway, not real sure I wanna put all my details out there so shoot me an email please I would really like to share and listen.

Originally Posted by djminimart

I posted this on another board, but thought here would be a good place too.

My birth mom found me many years ago when I was a teenager. As I have grown up, I have desired less and less of a relationship. I feel pressured to have a relationship with her when I don't feel all that connected to her. I perhaps have some anger towards her too. I don't want to stop knowing her, I just feel like I can't do it on her terms. I would be comfortable seeing her and her family once a year, but she desires more than that. She also seems extremely hurt by my communicating these desires to her.

Do any other adoptees feel this way? The only perspectives I find are from those who are longing for a relationship.

I'd be interested in other perspectives. Please share if you have some!

[lalgee]

I am a bmom, and I desire to know my son, but he refused contact with me, as did his family. So now, I sit and wait to see if he ever changes his mind and reqeusts his file from the State which has my info in it. I'll never know, and will live my entire life waiting on it to happen. I have no hope that it will however.

It sounds like to me that your bmom may have some needs of her own that are unrealistic. I would say that she would benefit from some counseling in order to resolve her feelings about you. She sounds like she is clinging desperately to you because of guilt, but you cannot take that guilt from her and bear it yourself. She must resolve it on her own, and then come to you for a normal relationship not based on desperation and guilt. She has to accept the fact that what happened in the past is done, and that you are willing to be in her life but not on the terms that it has been.

I'm no professional therapist or anything, but I know if I ever get to talk to my son and see him it would be really easy to go into that mode where I think he could be the answer to my healing if he would just ______ (fill in the blank). Or, clinging to him desperately because I feel so bad for what I did back then. It would take me being really strong minded to remember that HE cannot absolve my guilt, so clinging to him would do nothing but push him away. But we as bmom's WANT to cling to you and hold you so tight because we have been in anguish since you left our arms so many years ago. Not that we think we can be your mom, but we WANTED to be your mom and couldn't. So, seeing you now, our minds and hearts think this is another chance, even though reality tells us it is not, and it is too late. It is facing this reality that is the huge hurdle we must get over withOUT putting any of that burden on you, the child. That's very hard work for a bmom.

Think about it this way: When you have a bad dream, like someone that you care very much for is missing or possibly dead, and the entire dream is you searching for them and trying to find them. BUT, everyone keeps getting in your way and hindering you, and bridges are washed out, and your vehicle breaks down, and there is a storm, and on and on...you know the dream. Every minute of that dream you are struggling and striving to find that person so that you know he or she is ok and not missing or dead, but everything keeps getting in the way, and your fears continually rise. You have a terrible feeling in the pit of your stomach, and worry consumes you.
THEN, you wake up. Your first thought is "Thank GOD that was just a dream! WHEW!". And your next thought is that you just want to go grab that person and hug them till they turn blue and never let them go because you're just so relieved that they are really alive and still in your life. You never want to let them go.
That is what it feels like for a bmom who finds her child later in life. You just desperately want to grab on to them and never let them go. Reality should tell bmoms that they are too late and there is too much water under the bridge, so they have to accept the relationship on different terms than what they desire deep in their hearts. THAT is a hard reality to face and accept. Throw some guilt in there, and you've got yourself a bmom MESS!
That is where her work should start - accepting reality and forgiving herself. That is why I say counseling would benefit her - because that is a hard place to get to, especially the forgiveness.
All of that was to say - NO - you are not crazy or unrealistic in your expectations. You are well adjusted and reasonable about your expectations of the relationship. Just continue to be up front with her about your thoughts and feelings - and how hers affect you - and you can't go wrong.
I wish you the best of luck and hope that a bmom perspective helps you!
L

[FallenChild]

You don't say how old you are, but it is relevant. Maturity is no doubt key in understanding what your mother may be going through because of your lack of desire for a close relationship with her. Are you a mother yourself? If not, could you possibly understand how she feels in her situation? Maybe understanding her from her perspective might be a very good start in knowing what is the right path for YOU! Like it or not, you are inextricably connected, and so understanding her may give you better insight into what might work out best for the both of you!!

Also, instead of puzzling over all mental contorsions in justfying your feelings, and/or rationalizing your conduct towards her and your place in her life (or lack thereof), perhaps you should take a different approach, and expect no more from her than you would expect from yourself. For instance, how would YOU feel if your child felt no connection to you, or wanted little or nothing to do with you? Would you expect such a fate for yourself? If it was your fate, how would you feel if everyone expected you to like it?

In short, I guess what I am trying to say is - try not to expect her to endure what you would not chose to endure yourself. And if you feel you must treat her in a way even you would not wish on yourself, perhaps you can at least not expect her to like it and terefore take it well.

[hello&goodbye]

It takes two people to make a relationship work successfully. If she is feeling crowded, there is nothing wrong with putting boundries up for her own well being if nothing else. You need to understand that not everyone is looking for a new set of parents, to reconnect on some level yes, but we already have parents, family etc., If her mother pushes too hard, what good will that do the adoptee, who does not welcome it?

You cannot turn back the hands of time, no matter how much you wish for it. Once a year, if good enough for one of the parties, should be good enough for both. Maturity has nothing to do with it, if it does, then should not the birth mother back off until she is older? Her daughter is fine and well, isn't that what everyone wanted ? As an adoptee, I know I would NOT welcome a new mother, or even a close relationship, that is who I am, not defective, just my personality.

[Toolate]

I wish I could have a relationship with my mother. I'll never have that opportunity.

[kdibattista]

Originally Posted by FallenChild

You don't say how old you are, but it is relevant. Maturity is no doubt key in understanding what your mother may be going through because of your lack of desire for a close relationship with her. Are you a mother yourself? If not, could you possibly understand how she feels in her situation? Maybe understanding her from her perspective might be a very good start in knowing what is the right path for YOU! Like it or not, you are inextricably connected, and so understanding her may give you better insight into what might work out best for the both of you!!

Also, instead of puzzling over all mental contorsions in justfying your feelings, and/or rationalizing your conduct towards her and your place in her life (or lack thereof), perhaps you should take a different approach, and expect no more from her than you would expect from yourself. For instance, how would YOU feel if your child felt no connection to you, or wanted little or nothing to do with you? Would you expect such a fate for yourself? If it was your fate, how would you feel if everyone expected you to like it?

In short, I guess what I am trying to say is - try not to expect her to endure what you would not chose to endure yourself. And if you feel you must treat her in a way even you would not wish on yourself, perhaps you can at least not expect her to like it and terefore take it well.

It's not up to the adoptee to understand her birthmom's feelings. She can only own how she feels and her birthmom needs to respect that.... period.

OP... good luck finding your comfort zone

[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by kdibattista

It's not up to the adoptee to understand her birthmom's feelings. She can only own how she feels and her birthmom needs to respect that.... period.

OP... good luck finding your comfort zone

I believe that an important key of healthy relationships is the ability to understand each other. It doesn't mean you have to agree with the feelings but the ability to empathize and respect one anothers feelings is very important.

[kdibattista]

Originally Posted by taramayrn

I believe that an important key of healthy relationships is the ability to understand each other. It doesn't mean you have to agree with the feelings but the ability to empathize and respect one anothers feelings is very important.

While under "normal" circumstances I would agree with you, in this case I do not. The OP is coming across that this is NOT a healthy relationship for her. Guilting her into trying to place herself in her birthmom's shoes is (I feel) unrealistic and unfair. I feel in these situations the adoptee calls the shots. If she is uncomfortable with the terms of the relationship then she has the right to step back and reevaluate and the birthmother needs to respect that.

[Montraviatommyg]

I am going to back Tara up on this and yes I have read the op so understand that djminimart has felt pressure to have contact etc BUT on the other hand communication also comes into it. Maybe birth mother doesn't realize what she is doing so a bit of communication goes a long way. It can be argued that an adoptee doesn't have to explain themselves to their birth parent but how can a birth parent know where they are going wrong if they are not told....JMHO.

Pip

[FallenChild]

kdibattista: Question!?!? Why is it unrealistic and unfair to expect her to place herself in her mother's shoes? Will this not help her understand her mother's position and therefore help her deal with the situtaion better?

[FallenChild]

[QUOTE=hello&goodbye] You need to understand that not everyone is looking for a new set of parents, to reconnect on some level yes, but we already have parents, family etc., If her mother pushes too hard, what good will that do the adoptee, who does not welcome it?

The suggestion was to simply see things from her mother's point of view and try to understand her position - the suggestion mentions nothing about "needing or looking for another set of parents." In your own words though, relationships require TWO people - does that not include understanding the relationship from BOTH sides of it? Don't "healthy" relationships meet the needs of BOTH people involved? Or should the relationship only benefit the adopted (adult?)? I presume that she is not so selfish to be only be thinking of herself, and just thought that being mindful of her mother's feelings and what the relationship is like for her mother would help THEIR relationship overall?

[quote=hello&goodbye]You cannot turn back the hands of time, no matter how much you wish for it. Once a year, if good enough for one of the parties, should be good enough for both. Maturity has nothing to do with it, if it does, then should not the birth mother back off until she is older?

I think this statement only proves that maturity may indeed have a lot more to do with it than is being appreciated.

Fallen Child