[aisha101]

I was adopted and since then have had two children who are now ages 12 and 9. I recently found my birth sisters and meet up with them for lunch or coffee from time to time and my kids have met one but just introduced her as an old friend from school because my kids have no idea that I was adopteed and my husband does not see the reason to tell them and I myself have not always been open about it.

Just wondering who else has not told their kids and if not are you planning to or if you have told them how did you go about telling them?

[abcg1977]

I have told my daughter, my son is way to young (3). My daughter is 7. I thought it was important because I am somewhat open about it. I wanted her to hear it from me and no one else. I wanted to tell her how I felt and guide her through without fear. I wanted her to know it was ok to ask a million questions. I did not want to lie to her about her b-g-ma and aunt and g-g-ma ect. I want her to know them to some extent...

No matter what I think honesty matters very much. No matter if you tell the whole world or just keep it within your family.

My persoal opinion is however is that your b-family is thier biological family too and they deserve the wholeness of honesty.

Later and good luck. Ang

[aisha101]

Thats just it. I am not open or honest about it with hardly anyone. When i told my best friend this summer that I may of found my birth sisters she just kept telling me to shut up because I was lying to her lol. She had no clue at all. She is the only person who knows really outside the family.

I honestly do not know what sort of relationship I am going to have with any of them. One is more screwed up then the next and if I told anyone what I have learned so far you would all tell me to run and run fast lol.

One thing I know for sure is that b-mom did me a favour.

[carolynppk]

I have always been open about it, but that is me, I am an open book ~the good and bad. My parents got me at 6 days old and told me from the first day they got me. (They'd tell me the story of me when they would rock me to sleep at night) so I never had a moment of someone sitting me down saying, "Guess what, you're adopted." Same with my kids. I have always spoken of this and so has my mom. People would comment to my mom how much the grandbabies looked like her when they were born. My mom would just smile and say, if love could do it. SO there has never been a moment of explain this to them, they have always known.


I am sure my bmom is going through a lot of this because she only told her children once about me when they were teenagers so they would not be in the same situation she was in, but I was never spoken of. I am sure now that we have reunited, it has been very hard for her girls (I know it has been) but even more so explaining to her grandchildren who I am.

Honesty is always the best policy. The longer you hold something in, the longer one feels that they were betrayed, even if you were trying to protect them. Just because they know you are adopted does not mean they have to be involved in your reunion. I would wait until you felt it solid enough to bring them into it. Good luck.

Carolyn

[krielly]

Gosh, my son is 14, and I don't even remember telling him I was adopted.........that's how long ago it was, I guess. Must be his reaction was pretty uneventful, cause I don't even remember it.

I was adopted at 10 days old, and the same goes for me, I was so young when my parents first told me that I don't even remember it.......I can't remember a time when I didn't know...........

That's probably why i just told him so young, because that's how I grew up, always knowing. My husband got married and divorced at a young age, and to make a long story short, relinquished his rights to his daughter when she was about 2 1/2. My son has also known about this since he was very young.

I guess I just feel like honesty is best. the younger the better.

It's strange how things we think would be so earth shattering and affect them so much are so often just shrugged off.........kids are so funny sometimes. I just got my 1st picture of my bdad this week (he died before I ever got to meet him). Anyhow, my son had the day off from school and was on Yahoo IM, so I attached the pic and sent it to him. told him it was his biological grandfather. He was like "oh yeah? cool". That was the extent of it He's such a teenager!!!!!!!!!!

Karen

[kperoc]

I was an older child placed in adoption. I told my husband when we were dating. We told our kids and it was uneventful, I don't even remember how long ago we told them. They are 22 and 18 now. The boys know I'm reunited with my birth family, and don't seem very interested in that facet of my life.

I agree with the others that honesty is best. Good luck to you.

[AdopteeKris]

I too am an adopted adult with two boys 9 and 6. My boys both know that I am adopted though the 6 yr old really doesn't know what all is involved. Both have met my 3 full sisters and my birth parents. My eldest is most curious, as to why I am not as close to my "Mother and Father" as my husband is to his. I think that if I were to start all over, I would not have introduced the two as soon as I had, as now there is very little communication between "them" and "I". I think that introducing them as "family" only after a relationship is well established would have been better. Hope this gives you a new angle on the situation. ~~Happy Reunion!~~ Kristin

[jazzfan99]

When I started my search for my birthparents, back in 2003, that was when I first told my children, ages 2 & 3. Since it was always a part of my life, I mistakenly assumed that they knew what I meant when I used the words "adopted" and "birth family." I was wrong! We even read some children's books on the subject to try and explain it to them in a different way. It just didn't connect with them that their Mommy had been like the baby in the story. After I finally was in reunion, just after my first contact with my bdad and bmom in Jan 2005, I was so emotional and completely absorbed in the events swirling around me, I lost sight of how confusing that might be for my little ones. One day, I had just recieved a picture of my bmom on my email (the 1st one I'd ever seen), I was really emotional and my then 5-yr-old daughter said " I wish I could find my birthmother!" It dawned on me right then that she really didn't "get" what was going on around her. We sat down and looked at the pictures of her first moments in this world, with me there having just gone through the labor, and tried to put into context all these new things. It's been a year now and we're just finally getting to a point where they can keep everything straight and how we all fit into this big life puzzle. I would just say that you have to be so sensitive to your kids and their emotions and how yours effect theirs. It can be a very confusing thing for them.

[snuffie]

My kids always knew I was adopted. It was just another part of who I am. It was so natural to them. When they grew up and I found my bfamily - They just accepted it and were excited about all of the new aunts and uncles they have.

I think kids are sensitive to our feelings and we just act calm and normal about it all, they will too.

[Pumpkin]

My children have always know that I'm adopted. It's a part of their heritage, and I see no reason to keep it a secret. I'm very proud of my history. Since my search they have had the opportunity to meet an aunt,uncle and cousins and a great uncle. This is their family. They have a right to know them as such too. I could never decieve them about that. They are very much loved by both sides, and I see that as nothing but positive. Just like me, they have a biological family and an adoptive family. They are both very welcome in our lives. I see no reason to keep secrets from them.

My adoptive brother, on the other hand, has a relationship with his birthmother. She visits a few times a year. His three children still have no idea who she actually is. This makes me really sad. He is ashamed that he is adopted. I feel they have right to know. But, to each his own, and his own reasons.

-Pumpkin

[MJ parker]

Aisha,

I was just dealing with this a few moths ago. My girls are now 10 & 6. I have never talked about being adopted and don't discuss it with other people either. I never expected to reunite with any of my birth family, so it was always a non-issue for me. As far as I was concerned my a family is the only family I expected my kids to know. Until my b-sis found me. (not that I was hiding) My "whole" family A & B live in the same city. So it's not hard to "bump" into someone. At any rate, It took alot of guts and encouragement from other adoptees in the forum to gain the courage to talk to my kids. My youngest was the last to know and still doesn't understand, which is fine, we will deal as we go along. My oldest is VERY mature for her age but both of them are still very sensitive and can get upset easily, so I took it slow. I debated for a long time because like you I wasn't sure of the extent this reunion would go to. I still am not sure of that, but I always knew at some point in their lives my kids would "Discover" the truth and I would rather get it over with (telling them) than try to hide it. I never lyed about it and I didn't want to start. My 1st face 2 face with bsis the kids where there. She asked for that. I brought them but we met in a neutral place where they could play and let us talk alone. I introduced her by name and gave no explaination for her relationship. As I started giving my oldest daughter information, I would relate back to this meeting. I left out alot of detail about the reason for my adoption and the falling out between my A & B family because I didn't think it was necessary, but I did tell my daughter that other than b sis no one wants to know us. I told her it's ok because we know we are loved by our a family. I also stressed to her that nothing has changed with them because she knows about my adoption. My dad is still her grandpa and loves her very much. I still refer to b sis as Miss... when I talk to them because the youngest doesn't understand and we aren't ready to call her aunt. It's too soon and too drastic. I would just say you know your kids better than any one else. You should decide how and when to tell or if to tell on your own terms. Keep in mind that each one will react differently and plan on what you will say if asked questions. I was breathing a sigh of relief because I planned for every quetion I possibly think she would ask and she asked very little. Mostly she listened to what I had to say and I expect your kids will too. Be honest and as straight forward as you think you need to be, even tell them that you feel your adoption was the best thing that could have happened to you if you think they should know that. Take your time think it all though. It will be worth the time. You're in my prayers.