[heartened]

I know this is difficult to think about, so thank you in advance for being willing to respond.

In a discussion on another site about the 7 children tragically killed in the car crash in Florida, someone raised the question, "Will the adoptive parents notify the birth parents?"

So here are my questions:

Heaven forbid this should ever come to pass, but as an adoptive parent, would you track down the birth parents and notify them if the child you adopted, died?

As a birth parent, would you want to be notified?

[lahdh4]

Since we are in contact, I have expressed to L that should anything life threating ever happen to J (knock on wood) I would like to be notified. She has told me that she would get in touch with me if anything of that sort happened.

[Leigh131313]

If it were a "closed" and I mean, NO contact in the past. No, I would not set out to find them.

However if I had contact info, even if we hadn't communicated to this point, I would notify them.

In our case, we are very open and of course I would let them know if he was sick/injured, or god forbid worse.


Leigh

[Montraviatommyg]

My son's adoption was closed with absolutely no contact whatsoever so if he had died I would have never have know. If I hadn't found my son I wouldn't have expected his parents to try and find me as they wouldn't have any reason to do so as he never let them know he was searching. They still don't know that we have had contact or that we both have pulled back so if anything happened to him now I wouldn't be told .

Pip

[MamaTo6]

I would contact my sons bmom if God forbid something horrible happened to my son. I would not contact her if he was sick unless it was terminal and close to the end. OMGod it is hard to even think about.

[crick]

I honestly don't know...

We are in a closed adoption and I'm not sure that I would be strong enough a person to not only deal with the loss of my child AND a new relationship/contact. I would likely find a way to have the bparents notified through a 3rd party, but it would not be first and foremost on my mind as I'd have my own grief, family, other children etc. to think about.

Don't mean to sound harsh...just being honest.

[Jackiejdajda]

I always worried and thought about my bson..

I would want to be informed.. It would be a kindness..IMO

Jackie

[Tigger27]

I would definitely want to be notified if something were to ever happen to either one of my girls.

And I think that I would be notified by each of my girls parents if something did happen. They tell me now when each of my girls are sick and everything so I would think they would tell me if something major happened.

[mom2sweetpea2]

I asked that if anything happen to him that I be told. I am battling a major diorder right now and I finding out the best way to deal with it and then I am going to contac the family and let them know. I need to make I'm okay 1st. Since I have level of respect for them, I think that they should have that for me. I mean God forbid it ever happen because then I would wonder what if he lived with me would it happen if it was an accident? But due to it being a seni-open adoption, yes I want to know, for sure.

[heartened]

First, I want to thank all of you for having the courage to respond - I know this is a difficult topic to even speculate about. I have a hard time even briefly visiting the idea of death when it comes to my own children.

But now I have another question, a different facet - this is particularly for the first moms, but maybe adoptive moms have considered this as well? Have you, as the adult, made any arrangements to ensure that the other family is informed if something happens to you? I guess this would be more likely to occur in open or semi-open situations, but I don't want to place limitations.

And I just want to explain - twice in the last 24 hours, I have come across stories which relate to this question. In the first, it was about those 7 children in Florida. In the second, it was an adoptee who was crushed because her first mother had died when she was 14, her adoptive parents knew (had read it in a newspaper when it happened and kept a clipping) and never told her. She initiated a search when she was 27 - found out first mom had died. Her parents knew she was searching and never said anything about their knowledge the first mom had died. She felt completely betrayed.

So I apologize for the morbid questions, but I'm grateful to all of you who have chosen to answer!

[Tigger27]

Wow, some heavy questions here lol . Well, in some ways, yes and in some ways, no because I have thought of these kinds of things before, but didn't know if anyone else thought of them.

Well and your question about having something arranged to let my girls know if something were to happen to me - I don't know if I really have had anything set in stone or officially arranged, but I would think that my parents would tell my girls parents and my girls parents would tell my girls.

I mean I suppose that's something else I could add to a will or something is to give specific written directions to contact my girls and their families to let them know when I died if something were to happen to me before I was in full contact with them since I'm not in fully open adoptions just yet. I would want my girls to know if something happened to me before they were older and we started having a relationship.

So, I haven't officially written or done anything in specific that would make sure my girls knew if something happened to me, but I have said to my parents that I'd want my girls and their families to know if something happened to me,- car accident, illness etc. besides dying for example. So, my parents would be the ones to alert my girls and their families until I get married then it would maybe be my husband as well as my parents that would alert them if something should happen to me.

Good thought provoking questions .

[sspete]

I cannot even imagine.....But as a bmom I feared when I started searching of what I might find!!!! I was so glad she was alive and well!!!!!!!

Even though she is as stubborn as the day is long....I know she is very healthy and happy...THANK GOD!!!!

Our adoption was closed so I don't know if I would have known anything.....WOW.....What a thought!!!!

Staci

[Leigh131313]

This was something I worried about when deciding who would look after DS if something happened to DH and myself. I wanted to make sure that whoever it was, they would respect our agreement. So, his bmom would find out, because she'd still have ongoing contact.

Now, if something happened to her, I'm sure her family would notify us. We get together with all of them, so I'm sure they would let us know. We have no contact with the birthfather or his family, so i doubt we would ever be notified of anything. We have not set anything up so that he would be notified of anything either.

Leigh

[eastendmommy]

For the last 25 years, I have worried about my son. Was he okay, was he happy and safe, was he even alive? It was as closed an adoption as it gets. No contact information. I would have wanted to know if (God forbid) something drastic had happened along the way, but I doubt I would've ever been sought out.

I have recently located my son, and my husband and other children know his name and where he lives now. If something were to happen to me, my son would be notified. Tammi

[crick]

I just want to clarify that I'm not a mean ole lady...

I would likely find a way to notify the bparents through a 3rd party, just wouldn't be the first thing I'd do in my grief of having just lost my child. I wouldn't let say 5 years pass before I notified them, but yes, I would be too consumed with grief to think about it right away.