[tinamcgraw4]

See, these are some of the things that stick out very badly. When I was pregnant with my son, I was living with my natural mother.

• She drank and took prescription drugs every day
• She fought with me mostly everyday
• She sold all our furinture for booze
• She told me one day that it did not matter that I was pregnant she would hit me anytime she wanted to.
• She did not buy any food at all.
• Her boyfriend made a pass at me I told her and she kicked me out because it was my fault.

I ended up going to a womens hostile. I had stayed there for two months then ended up going to Toronto.Ontario, I had my son in Toronto, I went through all this by myself, the birth, the adoption, and then the greiving.

You know there is always a reason for everything. If I could learn from these experiences, Yes I have learned from these and it is not to do these cruel things to my own daughters. That is what I've learned.

How about you ? How would you handle these?

[Montraviatommyg]

My parents are respectable, middle class people yet behind closed I suffered with years of emotional abuse from them. This included being compared to my older "perfect" sister ... she could do no wrong whereas I could no right in their eyes. Subsequently I have little self esteem, little confidence and have suffered with depression for many years.

When they knew I was pregnant firstly they were furious that it was too late for me for me to have an abortion so they were adament my baby was to be adopted. Even though I had a responsible job with the (British) civil service my parents really put me through the mill. I was constantly told I couldn't look after myself let alone a baby, they would make sure I was homeless/not be able to get accomodation, that they would nobody would support my decision. I was also told I couldn't afford to keep him (I could) and if I was unemployed I would have the same probaby but as they would make sure I was homeless that social services would take my baby away anyway. In the end they virtually brainwashed me. That along with the case worker telling me eventually me that it was too late to put a stop to the adoption made me believe that I didn't have a choice.

Pip

[Jessiedo]

Tinamcgraw4,

In answer to your question, I'm not sure I would have had the strength to handle the situation you were in as well as you yourself did. Yet it seems when we have a tiny child, a soul inside us that maternal, protection, "mama-bear" instinct kicks in in high gear and we are capable of much more than we previously thought. We become stronger for our children.

I commend you for realizing the actions your mother carried out were not due to anything you did. They were/are her problems and are NO reflection on you.

It sounds like you are giving your daughters the love and motherly devotion that your mother was unable to give you.

[tinamcgraw4]

I try very hard in life to suceed. It is something I have to work hard every day. Well my natural mom took her own life. Why? I don't know. It is something I struggle with every day. My girls do not know that she took her own life. I thought a couple of times, maybe if I had been there more for her, or tried harder to help her get the help she needed as a drinker. Not sure .

I thank you for what you said
Tina

[heartened]

Originally Posted by tinamcgraw4

I try very hard in life to suceed. It is something I have to work hard every day. Well my natural mom took her own life. Why? I don't know. It is something I struggle with every day. My girls do not know that she took her own life. I thought a couple of times, maybe if I had been there more for her, or tried harder to help her get the help she needed as a drinker. Not sure .

I thank you for what you said
Tina

Tina, I'm sure that you know this on some level, but it bears repeating - You are not/were not responsible for "parenting your parent." This is one of the hardest things for children of abusive and/or alcoholic and/or addicted parents to remember. Had you "been there more" for her or "tried harder," you would likely only have been drawn deeper into her drama, and likely suffered greatly for it.

My situation was not exactly like yours, but I can relate on some levels. When I was 16, I was raped and became pregnant. I had an abortion. My adoptive father blamed me for having been raped, and would have blamed me as well had he learned I was pregnant. Abortion was my only option at the time. It didn't make much of a difference, he still threw me out at 17.

When I was 20 and became pregnant with my oldest son, both of my adoptive parents put a great deal of pressure on me to relinquish him. I refused and kept refusing. I'm certainly glad that I did, but I remember how hard it was to not cave in to their demands. Old habits die hard. I believe that what "saved me" was that in all ways (financially, emotionally, living arrangements, etc.) I had already been out from under their thumbs for 3 years at that point. I truly believe that being thrown out at 17 was what allowed me to be in an emotional place where I could resist.

Quite honestly, it was still several more years before I was able to break off contact completely. I had to, for my own mental well-being. I've no interest in renewing my relationship with my adoptive mother - adoptive father is now deceased. I was more than a little relieved when he died.

Sweetie, we handle things as best as we are able as they arise. It is not until later, when we have hindsight, that we begin recriminations against ourselves. Yet we have to remember when we are judging our actions of the past that we are no longer the person we were when we took those actions. We can look back and say "I should have done this, I could have done that" all we want - but in reality, we have grown and changed in the intervening years, partly because of the actions we took. Forgiving the "self" we once were is often very difficult.

[tinamcgraw4]

"Struggling with life's difficulties makes us a little wiser, a little more capable, enabling us to comfort others who experience pain."

I was 16 out on the streets. Sleeping inbetween doors at night. Going to the Y to shower, not eating in days. But if I had never experience these trials in life I would not be the person It was rough. but I have came a long way since. My adoptive parents did not want the three younger children to see what I was doing with my life. In there mind I was wasting it. In my mind I just had to get out of there. or I would go crazy.

It is amasing the stuff you read a one certain word triggers something in my mind. And I have to share it because it must of been something I left out.

I am so sorry for your pain and hurt.
Tina

[heartened]

Tina, be proud of who you are today. Just from what I've read of your posts, I know that you are an amazing, strong woman with some incredible gifts to offer the world. That IS who you REALLY are. You have not only survived, you have thrived. This is something to be so proud of. You're beautiful, Tina, in every way that matters.

[tinamcgraw4]

You seem to know what to say when needed. I will say that right back to you.

When I was seventeen on my way to meet my natural dad I had met this women on the train and she wanted to write a book on my life. At that age in life I had already went to hell and back.

I use to say to my adoptive parents, when my brother took his own life, he had everything go really good for him, He was going to U of montreal. he had a beautiful girlfriend, I had nothing then. So I said to my aparents, see he had everything going for him and still took his life.What about me. My adad said I was to strong of a person to do that. Don't get me wrong the thought had cross my mind more than once, but I just couldn't do it. The hurt and pain and greiving some people would do because I took my life. NOPE couldn't do it.

It took me a long time to get to the person I am today. And I always try to improve also.
I hope some day that my son will be proud of the person I turned into.

Tina

[taramayrn]

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Tina I truly believe it. You appear to have really flourished in your life despite some less than encouraging circumstances. That is something to be proud of.

[tinamcgraw4]

Thanks Taramayrn
yes it does make us stronger. I truly believe that. But it is still hard some days tring not to remember the bad times. Sometimes it is so overwheming I just cant seem to think or any other things. Yes, I am proud of myself. I had a history of not doing so well in life. I woke up one morning and said to myself, Self there has to be more to life than this. I signed myself into a detox and dried out and start my search.
I found my husband of 16 years together. I have finished getting my GED for school. And I take care of my beautiful girls.
Some days I can't be this positive but I have had alot support lately which I say how much I appericate the words of wisdom.
Thanks again.
Tina

[taramayrn]

I understand that some days it is hard to not relive the mistakes and to wonder "what if" - I think the less of that we can do the better.