[TamaraKay]

I have been reunited with my Birth Child for some time.
On one hand I am thrilled to be a part of their lives. They, my BC and his parents, are great people and it is like we share a secret, unexplainable bond with each other.

On the other hand it is an emotionally draining event for me. My birth child is a teen and soon to be a teen parent. There has also been several suspensions from schools, being kicked out of the house, police calls, probation, drugs and anything else you can name. Seriously.

We offered to adopt the baby, as we are at a point in our lives where we could and do offer our children a very safe harbor. But my birth childs parents decided to move in the pregnant girl because she was really in a bad spot. Now the girl wants to keep the baby. My birth child does not want this baby. HE told me so. With everything going on in his life he does not need to have a baby around. The baby is really not in need of "teen parents" either.

So I feel like this and can't get past it. I know there are mistakes being made here with a helpless life involved. A baby! It breaks my heart. Clearly I have very strong feelings on teen parenting, adoption and beleif that giving a child the best shot at life is the utmost important responsibility that we have as human beings.

So I went to see a therapist and explained some things to her. SHE told me that I needed to close the door with my birth child and family for now. Had she met me before reunion she would of told me there was no place for me in the life of my birth child at the young age he was at. That was 16.

I am having a hard time handling all the bad decisions my BC is making and the bad ones his parents are making. Although I do not judge them because I am not in their shoes and do not know how I would handle the situation if it was in front of me with my kids at home. My husband does not want to talk about them anymore as he does not know how to handle the hurt I am going through. My teen son is taking all of this very hard. My youngest does not really know. I want all the problems to go away and I want to be able to love and support. But with what is going on the love and support is very draining and taking away from my family here.

I want to close the door - in my head, in my heart I want to move right next door to them and be there to help them and support them. So I don't know what to do. The last thing I want to do is hurt my Birth Child. I know this will as he is expecting me to be Grandma to his child. I go shopping for the baby to be and have to stop because I cry. I cannot get over the devastation of him being a teen parent.

Please help me with this..........my whole family is supporting me closing the door for now. But they do not know adoption personally. OF course it sounds like the right thing to do FOR MY FAMILY but what about him and his family. They just don't want to see me hurting.

[healingfeeling]

Tamara,

I am a product of teen pregnancy as many of us here are. My mother kept me and her then boyfriend (my bdad) didn't step up to the plate and quit partying and drugs as she would've hoped...so after a few years and lots of confusion she asked him to relinquish.

Eventually he agreed...but a day hasn't gone by that I haven't thought of him...I don't know him yet, but I'm sure he's experienced hurt over it too. I would hate to see your bson lose out on a possible relationship with his child...he hasn't even met the child yet...

[TamaraKay]

See I personally do not know the feeling of having a parent out there and not knowing who they are. I had 2 parents in the home, unfortunate for me as one was a drunk and abusive, and they raised us kids. So I cannot relate to the adopted feeling nor the feeling of not knowing who my parents are.

All I do know is that this is all bearing down hard on me. The future I had wished to give my son through adoption is not the future he is going to have from the point I met him until present. The funny thing is is he is too much like me when I was his age. I always blamed my behavior on my drunk dad, but my bs has good loving parents at home.

I will not judge the decision being made here. As everyone has to live with what they decide. My experience tells me it is a bad decision and because of that and what I have seen him go through this past year has weighed heavily on my heart.

When I hear him tell me he does not want the baby - then I feel more confused. He is on the side of this that gives him no choice of adoption or being a daddy. It breaks my heart for him and the baby, the mom and his family. But mostly the baby, because they are the ones that truly suffer.

The world is not perfect, I know this. I know I don't know how much more I have to give to this situation. I live far away and love my BS as one of my own. I have no control over where his life is going or no help to offer a teenager who is defiant with his behavior. I can't fix his life choices and worry about his safetly daily. This bears down on me and gives me less to give my direct family. My kids who are in my home and my husband. I am such a mess over everything he is going through that if we had a meltdown in my house I would be put in the looneeeeeeeeeeey bin.

[rapunzel_001]

You can't change this. You can only love him and be there for him if he asks. That being the case you would probably benefit most by working towards accepting it and focusing on things you do have power over. Your other children and your husband need you and you have active choices you can make concerning them.

I know it it extremely painful watching somone you love walk down a road that your consider to be a bad choice. I've been there- so I'm saying this out of compassion. But if you keep tearing your heart out over something you can't change you will make yourself sick with this grief.

[TamaraKay]

Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. Sometimes when you are in a situation it really helps to have other people help you put things into perspective.

[julie23]

hello TamaraKay...

last january... my then 18 year old bdaughter called me and told me she thought she was pregnant...

in all honesty... I was utterly delighted... I think for two reasons... one: I could just enjoy being a part of it all... I could buy baby clothes... I could welcome the new life... I could send toys.. and rejoice in the pictures... two: I didn't have the financial or emotional responsibility of actually dealing with it all.. that was her aparents job...

your son won't be 16 forever... he WILL grow up... he WILL mature... he may not make the best decisions for the first few years of the baby's life... but... he's the dad the baby's got... and like you said.. that has been decided for him....

his aparents have to deal with it all financially and emotionally... and they will be left holding the bag... however it turns out... I hated my parents for years after they forced me to place... I mean really really hated them....

a baby is a delight... he is not a curse... she is not a burden... life is an amazing gift... I know so many people who have fought so hard to give birth and haven't been granted that priceless gift...

congratulations!!! you are going to be a grandma!!! What a joy!!!! allow yourself the gift of experiencing the joy.... and let his aparents pay the emotional price....

[NJNative]

"his aparents have to deal with it all financially and emotionally... and they will be left holding the bag... however it turns out...allow yourself the gift of experiencing the joy.... and let his aparents pay the emotional price..."


You know, after reading this post I was practically speechless. Let me get this straight. I am raising my son, whom I adopted at 10 months, with everything that entails. Not only the good times, mind you, but also the private school tuition, the teenager's moods, the messy room, the endless nights of worrying, etc. (I'm not complaining about any of that -- I signed up for it.) But if he becomes a teenaged parent, I'm supposed to "pay the emotional price" and "hold the bag." At same time, a birthparent would just be entitled to "be the grandma" and "experience the joy."

Nice deal...but not for me. It would seem to me that if a birthparent is in a reunion with the child and wants to be a part of that child's life, that means holding at least a corner of that bag and paying at least $.02 of that emotional price. You can't have it both ways. If you are a part of the kid's life, you share in both the good stuff and the bad.

You know sometimes I get really frustrated with way adoptive parents are viewed. It's like we are merely babysitters who foot the bills and wipe the noses, until the birth parents come back into their lives. I know it's not everyone who thinks that way, and certainly not most people here, but there is that attitude from some people. And this post was sort of the last straw.

IF my son was to become a teenaged father, I would help him shoulder that responsibility in whatever way he and the baby's mother chose. But I certainly wouldn't be deliriously happy about it (as the original poster clearly isn't) and I certainly wouldn't appreciate someone else acting all delighted and thrilled with the situation.

I suppose this post won't be a popular one...

Robin

[billysmommy]

NJNative, I too found those statements very offensive and also innappropriate.

[julie23]

I am truly sorry that the post didn't exactly come out like I intended it... I in no way shape or form view adoptive parents as babysitters... as a matter of fact... what I really meant was... the adoptive parents are the parents... birthparents are not... even if in a reunion we have a place in their lives... it is by no means any place near the one their parents hold... it is on the outside edge... it is not as a parent... or as a grandparent... what i was trying to say... is ... well.... as a birthparent on the outside edge of my daughters life... I am certainly not included in any decision making process.. I am not included in any financial decisions... and I shouldn't be.... we are not co-parents... and we will NOT be co-grandparents... maybe this persons experience is different than mine... maybe her sons adoptive parents include her in all aspects of raising their son... but my daughter is fully and completely her adoptive parents child... and they will be fully and completely the grandparents...

my post did clearly state that I would enjoy sending baby clothes... and receiving pictures.... I don't think I stated that I would get true grandparenting privleges... and I don't think there is anything wrong with celebrating life... and welcoming life into this world... life is precious... life is a gift.....

also... speaking from the point of view as a birth mom... I really do struggle with the idea that an untimely pregnancy is a life ruining thing... for either the parents or the baby... if the baby is kept....

however... I do apologize for the offense... because it wasn't intended... and I can see how my words appeared to be flippant and thoughtless.... so I hope you will forgive that... it really wasn't intentional...

[billysmommy]

julie23,
I appreciate you taking the time to clarify your post. I personally was not bothered by the thought of a birthparent having grandparent privileges, because they are in fact grandparents as well. I was bothered by what I mistook for as you said "being flippant". As a parent, I suppose I would just expect (and perhaps wrongfully so) another parent (whether birth or adoptive parent) to be understanding of the emotions surrounding such a situation - understanding, not necessarily in agreeance though. Of course, my feelings come from my own experience, which is that of an open adoption. My children's birthfamily is involved in their lives , and though we do not co-parent, they most definitely experience "emotional responsibility".
I do agree with you here:

I really do struggle with the idea that an untimely pregnancy is a life ruining thing... for either the parents or the baby... if the baby is kept....

And NJNative:
If you are a part of the kid's life, you share in both the good stuff and the bad.
Well said!