[niandca]

Originally Posted by LouiseT

good post niandca

i think it is equally harmful for a child whether the contact is stopped by either the birth parents or adoptive parents.

as an adoptee, i can tell you that i'd be ticked off, not to mention confused and hurt, if my birthmother decided to stop seeing me. i'd wonder what i did wrong, did i do something to make her go away?

i agree that if the adoptive parents stopped contact i'd be ticked at them as well, for withholding something from me.

but i'd have to say both acts would be equally hurtful to me as the child. hence my confusion about who is really protected by an enforceable open adoption agreement. it doesn't seem like the child is.

just my two cents worth.

..and then again TLouise..you may care if your bmother disappeared or you may care if your aparents cut it off...but someone else might grow up not caring at all.

Just because you or I feel something should be, won't make it so. I do not agree with enforceable agreements simply because as others here have so eloquently put it..."stuff happens" (as in dd getting diagnosed w/autism--limited emotion, lots of anxiety). I'm in one due to time pressure & my own ignorance. If I had to over, I would not do a legal one, and I would certainly try to "think ahead" when crafting any kind of agreement. Teen years can be hell enough without a bparent that doesn't "have" to back you up undermining you. (should that happen).

[ourlove]

Dont spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things only hoped for.

I loved this quote! Thanks.

[ourlove]

Originally Posted by niandca

..and then again TLouise..you may care if your bmother disappeared or you may care if your aparents cut it off...but someone else might grow up not caring at all.

Just because you or I feel something should be, won't make it so. I do not agree with enforceable agreements simply because as others here have so eloquently put it..."stuff happens" (as in dd getting diagnosed w/autism--limited emotion, lots of anxiety). I'm in one due to time pressure & my own ignorance. If I had to over, I would not do a legal one, and I would certainly try to "think ahead" when crafting any kind of agreement. Teen years can be hell enough without a bparent that doesn't "have" to back you up undermining you. (should that happen).

No it should not happen but you as you said plan ahead or consider a closed adoption.

[ourlove]

Originally Posted by niandca

..and then again TLouise..you may care if your bmother disappeared or you may care if your aparents cut it off...but someone else might grow up not caring at all.

Just because you or I feel something should be, won't make it so. I do not agree with enforceable agreements simply because as others here have so eloquently put it..."stuff happens" (as in dd getting diagnosed w/autism--limited emotion, lots of anxiety). I'm in one due to time pressure & my own ignorance. If I had to over, I would not do a legal one, and I would certainly try to "think ahead" when crafting any kind of agreement. Teen years can be hell enough without a bparent that doesn't "have" to back you up undermining you. (should that happen).

How did you enter into an open agreement under a time pressure and ignorance? Although I respect your opinion I see this as part of the issue. I understand aparents concerns (remember I am an aparent) but I also think it is unfear to agree and because you later feel you did it "under pressure or out of ignorance" somehow makes it wrong that you are obligated to it. I also am concerned about the term "crafting". They should be done with honest, heartfelt, thought and consideration for all. This would avoid the need for them to go before the court at a future date.

[Southernroots]

If you can't enforce the birthfamily to remain in contact forever, then I guess what I'm wondering is how does an adoptive parent handle explaining that to the child?

You've asked this question a couple of times in this thread and I'm going to attempt an answer.

First, I think for an open adoption to be successful, both birth and adoptive families need some educating about how to make an open adoption work well. They need to all know too that it is best for the child if both sets of parents honor their commitments, work together and compromise when necessary. There should be a legal contract and a clause for mediation should the need arise in the future.

If the adoptive parents decide that they want contact to cease, mediation should be required. Only if a mediator agrees that it wise for contact to cease should that happen. And if it does,the birth family should be given concrete reasons.

If the birth parents ask for no further contact, it first needs to be determined why they are requesting no contact. Again, maybe this should be discussed with a mediator too. They need counseling and efforts should be made to make them aware of the detrimental effects of their discontinuing contact. It sounds to me like the chief release birth parents try to pull out is that open adoption is too hard and painful. If they are educated prior to the adoption and given adequate counseling afterwards, perhaps they would not pull away af often as many do.

If all efforts fail and the birth family refuses contact, then the adoptive family will need to find a delicate way to explain to the child. (I agree that you cannot force it, but, you can try hard to convince them that they should honor their word and not lose touch with their child.) They will need to try to frame it in the best possible way to insure as little hurt to the child as possible. Don't imagine that it will be easy - but, hey, there are many difficult situations that sometimes must be explained to children - death, divorce.

[niandca]

[quote=ourlove]How did you enter into an open agreement under a time pressure and ignorance? Although I respect your opinion I see this as part of the issue. I understand aparents concerns (remember I am an aparent) but I also think it is unfear to agree and because you later feel you did it "under pressure or out of ignorance" somehow makes it wrong that you are obligated to it. I also am concerned about the term "crafting". They should be done with honest, heartfelt, thought and consideration for all. This would avoid the need for them to go before the court at a future date.[/QUOTE

Sorry about the "crafting"--I meant as in "building or creating something"--possibly a better choice would be drafting.

It would take awhile to explain all that happened in a very short space of time, but it was time & ignorance, trust me. Definitely part of the problem! I don't know what kind of advice bmom had. I had zero. I do know she had legal counsel & therapy was offered many, many times which she refused. I had neither: wasn't even suggested. I would've jumped if I'd thought of it.

IMO, I do think the "legal" part is a burden and I am obligated. So? I'd feel obligated whether it's legal or not. I maintain a nice correspondence with bdad & his mother that is not legally binding (voided because he did not write for 2 years). It is very relaxed, respectful on both sides. I do feel it is an obligation but I don't feel it is a burden: in fact, I enjoy it.

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

We have an agreement with Bear's mother. But, I don't think it will ever come of anything. We haven't had so much as a Goodbye Visit with her yet. She started running away from her foster homes before she even relinquished. She resurfaced again about a month later, she signed the relinquishment papers and the open agreement, then she ran away again about a week later. She surfaced again right before Christmas, we were trying to schedule a visit for early January...you guessed it, gone again!

I honestly have no idea how I will ever explain it to him that we wanted this, tried, but she was not able to keep her end of it. I should mention, she JUST turned 15...maybe she just agreed because she thought it was the thing to do?? I have my own theory though. I think she did it because she was hoping that if she did, her own mother would let her come back home. They were starting to transition her back to her mother's home when she told the sace worker she didn't want her. I can't imagine what she must be going thru.

She is young though, maybe there is still hope.

[ourlove]

[quote=She is young though, maybe there is still hope.[/QUOTE]

I hope so. She is still so young.