[makauff2]

As some may know, my biological daughter made contact with me in late 2004. Now it is 2006. She is not sure what she wants, if anything, from me. I am sad by this. I am not sure what to think. I am not sure if there is something about me that I did not live up to in her mind/heart, or what? I made it a pact within myself that when I gave her up I was not going to put myself in her life unless she wanted me to be. She found me with her mothers help through the wonders of the internet. She finds me, we start a dialogue and now nothing. I have a great marriage to a wonderful man who is torn as to how to help me cope with this. I have email addresses and physical addresses, but I don't want to come across as putting myself in her face or her life, if that is not where she wants me to be. I think that she is still young. She is only going to be 23. I am going to be 42. I wish that there were some magical book that shows you how to go from point a to b without someones feelings getting hurt. Weird how the clock can get turned back more than 20 years in the beat of a heart. I guess I was just wondering if there was anyone else out there going through something even remotely similar?

Thank you for reading.

Rebecca
BMom

[lillian47]

Hi Rebecca,

Reading your post I feel as though I could have written that post. I am faced with same situation. I found my birthdaughter she had registered in a registery back in April in search of birthmother and we shared a few e-mails and pictures but have not heard from her since May. I have learned from other adoptees on the fourms that she is in what they call "Pull Back".
I know exactly how you feel my husband also helps me and continues to tell me that in time maybe she will respond. She also has my home address and phone numbers. All we can do is hope and pray and put it in Gods hands because I believe that she decided to search for a reason. If you would like to PM me you are more then welcome to.

Lillian, Bmom
They can take the child from the mother but not the mother from the child.

[makauff2]

Thank you for writing Lillian. I know that what I did in 1983 was the right thing to do for her. If I had it to do again, I would do the same thing. It sometimes feels that I should email something, send something, but I don't know that I can handle it being returned. It may have been too soon for both of us. I don't know. I was not setting out in this life to find her. But the adoption was closed and for the majority of my adult life I have gone through it knowing that I was in a good and healthy place. It amazes me just how quickly I could be taken back to that time and those emotions. I thought I had long since come to terms with my choice and was at peace. I wonder if we ever are, or if it is always to be a place in our hearts that can be made so raw so easily? Time is what she needs, and what I am more than willing to give her. It is all I have to offer her. She already has my heart. She always has.

Thank you so much for being here, I appreciate your thoughts more than you will ever know!

Rebecca

[Pinakitha]

Yes, I would agree that it sounds as if your daughter is in "pull back". I understand the correct thing to do is to send a llittle note or email once every 4-6 weeks. Keep it light, friendly and undemanding. Don't expect her to answer. Just keep on doing it. Send a card on her birthday, Easter & Christmas (or whatever is appropriate for her religion) & simply sign it with your name and an "x" (no "love" etc - which some adoptees seem to have a hard time believing that bmoms can feel!).
This is what I have done with my son as he frequently pulls back for several months at a time. It has worked quite well for me because he generally responds once he has had a bit of time to "process" and regain his equilibrium. However, it may take your daughter longer. Don't forget, she is in her 20s & will also be enjoying herself - as she should (& you would wish her to as well) - that doesn't mean that she doesn't think about you. It simply means that she needs time & space.
Keep the line of communication open and your fingers crossed. You never know, although it may take several years, she may return one day.
In the meantime, try to focus on your life and making it as happy and fulfilling as possible. You owe it to yourself & your husband.

[kune]

makauff2 and lillian47

I too am a birthmother, in reunion with my son for the last 4 years and congratulate you both on being found by your children/adults. To know they have a good life and to share even a small part of it is amazing. The length of time you have been patiently waiting for more contact is aslo amazing.

In the early days of my reunion, (I was found by my son) for every e-mail, I would respond. With the arrrival of a letter, I would reply. Then we moved on to telephone contact. I didn't want to be seen as "pushy" or interferring with his busy life so let him set the pace. He took my lack of initiative as not really wanting an active relationship with him. (I think that sometimes we can appear passive unless we step outside our comfort zone and make a positive attempt to be pro-active and part of their life.) We talked and agreed that each contact the other when we wanted to - and it's working out well. I ring or write more often than he does, but most times he responds by email or text, and when he feels like a long chat or has some interesting "stuff" to talk about, he calls.
We see each other every 6 months or so, and we are getting there!!!

Every reunion is different, and yet if contact has been established I would (in your case) try to make a re-connection either by telephone, e-mail or letter. All our children need to know we care, they are loved and thought of often, and have a place in our lives. Tell them you don't want to appear pushy but that the silence has been deafening. Explain how you spent years believing you didn't have the right to interfere in their lives, but now with the rush of reunion emotions over. you are seeking their help to find a regular contact pattern that would fit in with theirs. I definitely believe that ommunication is the key to any meaninfull relationship

My experience is ..... they want to see that you have a good life - one they can see themselves being a part of - they want to be able to laugh with you and share stories, they want to know their 1/2 siblings - and somehow meld into the family group rather than be the outsider and to see that the future is full of promise - as is the relationship.

All suggestions only -and I wish you both strength, peace and understanding. (Sometimes they are just as elusive)

Ann

[Southernroots]

He took my lack of initiative as not really wanting an active relationship with him. I think that sometimes we can appear passive unless we step outside our comfort zone and make a positive attempt

That is such a good point! I had a rather long post on this - now in cyber space somewhere. But, I took the initiative to stay in touch with my son early on and was determined, persistent, insistent nearly that I made sure he knew I wanted contact. If he had ever told me to slow down - I would have. Actually once I did pull back just a teeny bit cause I thought it seemed he wanted me to. He asked me about.

But reunion is about teaching our children we are stable, consistent and can be trusted. We do that by continuing to keep in touch - yes, brief notes, etc. once a month, every 6 weeks or whatever seems appropriate in each situation.

My persistence has paid off and our relationship after 4 years is good - and he calls me now as much as I do him.

[makauff2]

Thank you!

I just sent the following email to her and hopefully it will get a response:

Good afternoon K and C,



I just wanted to drop you a note and let you know that I have thought of you often and wondered how you both were doing.



I hope that you know that even though we have not been in contact you have been Mitch and my thoughts and prayers. I know that this is a different road for all of us and I wanted you to know that you can contact me any time you would like, even if it is just to say hi.



My email is always open to you as is my heart.



I have a new address that I would like to give to you in case you ever want to write to me:



Rebecca &



This is a new journey for all of us, and I am more than willing to take this at whatever speed makes you most comfortable. If you ever have any questions you would like to ask me, whether they are serious, simple, or anything in between, please feel free to ask. My life is an open book.



I hope that 2006 has gotten off to a fantastic start for you!



Take care,

Becca

[kune]

Well done Becca

It is a great start to 2006!!!

Ann

[makauff2]

Thank you, I hope so too. I am friends with the adoptive mom, so I know that she is pulling for this too. I really like her as a person. Funny, I know her much better than my daughter. Hoping in time that will change, too!

[lillian47]

I have sent my birthdaughter 2 short e-mails since May and no response. Just a Hi, Thinking of you etc. and one for the Holidays wishing her and her family a great holiday. They were short and only signed my name. Should I have put more on it?

Lillian

[makauff2]

Lillian,

I wish that I knew. You know, the person who comes up with an etiquette book for people like us would be likely to make a fortune. I am just taking it easy, and trying not to pressure her into anything that she would/might not want. Follow your heart. I just don't have enough experience with her to feel comfortable doing any more. I sent an email to the mom since I know her better and hope to hear from her tonight or this weekend and get some feedback from her, since she knows her daughter far better than I do. I really like the mom. I think that she is cool and bighearted to help her daughter reach out to me.

Hugs,
Rebecca

[kune]

Lillian
May is a long time ago for a birthmother. We want it all now!!!!

Was there something else you wanted to say but held back....for whatever reason? How old is she? e.g. Has she got college or work or children/ husband? Is something else going on in her life that you know about? The only advise I have is keep the contact up like Southernroots said. And...if you feel like writing a newsy letter, sending her some updated pics of a holiday or your family celebrations or just asking her some questions about the non-response....do so. The more comfortable you are...will hopefully be reflected in her response.

Ann

[my2miracles]

I am an adoptive mom just piping in here to show my support. My daughter is only a year old. We are currently in an open adoption with her bmom.

I cherish my daughter. Her bmom holds a very special place in my heart. God bless birthmothers!

[rapunzel_001]

I can't really provide any explaination for ignoring a call or an email from a birthmother. I know I do it all the time. I think that the levels of need are just so different. My birthmother deperately loves me and craves a relationship with me. I do not reciprocate these feelings. I have a wonderful family and don't need or want another mother. Her contact can feel invasive and even annoying. And it's not that I don't think birthmothers love their children, its that when she makes an exclaimation of affection or signs an email with love, I feel sad that I can't respond and then anger that she keeps asking for me to return an emotion I do not feel.

On the other hand, I think that if she never made contact I'd be hurt too. I just wish the contact was lighter and that she did not express all of her longing.

It seems almost impossible that a healthy relationship could grow out of such varied wants and expectations.

[Southernroots]

It seems almost impossible that a healthy relationship could grow out of such varied wants and expectations.

I agree that it may seem that way - and I think that my son and I initially worried that it was possible. I remember him expressing the thought after a year that he worried that he would be able to give me what I wanted and that my happiness depended on it. I assured him that no matter what, I intended to be happy.

I know that I had two choices, 1) accept him for who he was and what he was willing and able to offer me; or 2) kept pressuring him to meet my expectations and drive him away. I choose the first option. As hard as it was, I wanted our relationship to flourish more than anything else. I had to swallow my pride and be patient more than I thought that I could.

Also, I did need to reconfigure and lower my expectations and pull back a bit. By pulling back a bit, that allowed him to move towards me more - and yes, we did have some of that dancing back and forth for a time.

I will say though for us, it was possible with our different expectations to find a middle ground that we both felt comfortable with. Wasn't easy, and I had ferocious inner battles with the thought that I'd need to settle for less. I am somewhat stubborn and wanted what I wanted. But, I believe that our relationship really calmed down and mellowed out once I let go somewhat.

So, it is possible, to forge a good relationship when the initial expectations are very difficult, but it is extremely difficult and takes two people committing to the relationship and ready to work hard. Honestly, I wasn't certain in the beginning that it was that important to my son, but, I think that I was wrong.

Building our relationship has been the challenge of my life, but, it has been worth it and I do not regret all that it has taken. I'm just glad that I was strong enough to hang in there and that my son cared enough to do the same.

Rapunzel, would it be possible for you to tell your birth mom to lighten up a bit? I practically had to be beat over the head before I realized that I needed to. But, my son was very honest and sometimes blunt with me (I know, you're all laughing wondering how my son could possibly be blunt) - and I needed that. Maybe your mom could handle it and change her direction a bit, maybe not, but, isn't it worth the try?