[lostNforgotten]

Hello, I have been lurking for awhile just waiting for myself to build the courage to come post. I have searched everywhere online for a message board like this one.

I grew up in and out of the canadian foster care system, I was adopted at the age of six and returned to the gov at the age 11. From 11 to the time I was no longer a permanent ward, I was in and out of group homes and foster homes. In many of the foster homes before and after the adoption...well they were incredibly cruel and I still have nightmares.


I honestly don't blame them for getting rid of me. People say what happened in our home was not my fault. I nod and agree with them but I don't believe them for a second. No, I didn't do anything really bad in the home. Their daughter hated me and did what ever she could to make my life a living hell and went to all extremes to get me into trouble. She succeeded in making things so much harder on me and she enjoyed what she was doing. I was a slave for my adopted mother, anything and everything that she wanted to do, well I was the one doing it all. If something was wrong in the family, it was always blamed on me. The name calling, the nasty comments, the teasing, the abuse. It wasn't uncommon for my adopted mother to tell me that they would send me back, well they did. I was never treated like a member of the family. At christmas, birthdays and holidays I was not treated like a family member. Well it didnt matter what the day was, I was never treated like a member.


My adopted parents were minister's. They would preach to people about family, love, honesty, caring, love, compassion and truth!! Well, none of that existed in our home when it came to me. I was the family bunching bag. I wasn't perfect because I was already damaged goods. Clinically you could call it adjustment disorder, attachment disorder, and childhood depression. But no one claimed to know how to really help. By the time my family got some help, they requested my immediate removal from the home!! I was adopted from another province than we were living in at the time so the gov returned me to the province that I was adopted from. To this day, they blame me for everything, according to them, they never did anything wrong.

Years later, I was living in a group home and so desperate for a family so I asked the SW if she could contact my adopted parents. For some bizarre reason, they did. I completely forgot about all the abuse that happened in the home, until I met them again face to face and the horror and terror instantly came back!! All the memories came back!! I really thought the terror was going to kill me.

I read a post awhile back about always feeling like you are on the outside looking in. That post made me cry!!! That is exactly how I have felt all my life. I still feel that way. I always wonder what I did to be someone that was never really wanted, loved, accepted, worthwhile, etc. I just believe that I am just this evil person that radiates evil so people stay away from me.


I have always wished that I had a family, people that always cared, people that were always there through the good and the bad, people that I shared memories with, people that I was always connected to, people that there was an unconditional love with, people that were accepting, people that cared if they didn't hear from me, people that wanted to hear from you, people that wouldnt leave, etc. I always wished I had some place I could call home. Some where you could stop by and things would feel "safe."


It is so hard to be around families because I feel this empty horrible "feeling" or something in me that literally feels like it will choke me. I always wonder what it would be like for someone to care what I was up to every single day. Wonder what I was up too. People that would reach out. But most people just forget and eventually I am non existant. As I was growing up there were a few families that looked into adopting me but of coarse NOT one ever worked out. When I was younger, no one ever really knew how to help me with my issues, now as an adult, poof they know NOW how they could have helped back then. *sigh*

Is it normal for people to "feel" so lost. I struggle everyday of my life with these horrible thoughts and these horrible moods. I have seen docs and therapists and no one ever really knows how to help. There really isn't anyone to call when things are this crazy. I do have some people in my life that are like "family" at convienent times but life gets busy and when you are out of sight, you are also out of mind.

I don't know what I did to deserve a life like this.


Most people my age are married, have kids, finishing their masters degree. And here I am with nothing, almost done a degree but lost. I don't have the first clue about life, and all those things. People tell me to go and create my own family. That won't happen because I don't know what guy in their right mind would want something this gross and disgusting and then I don't have the first clue on how to make a relationship work.


ackk I'm sorry for this.....I dont know how to explain this. Sorry for whining.


I can "disappear" and no one would notice for months, which is good for me.

...I don't have the energy to explain what being rejected from them has been like. For me, adoption hasn't meant "forever."


easily forgotten J

[Montraviatommyg]

I have no idea what it is like to be adopted, or go through foster care or groups homes so wont pretend to understand. What I do know is that you deserve happiness the same as everybody else and you do have every right to be honest about how you feel. There are others who do understand how you feel as they have been through a similar situation as you. Hopefully they will read your post and give you the support you need.

Are you searching for your birth family?

Hang on in there and keep posting as you will get support.

Hugs,
Pip

[lostNforgotten]

Thank you for your reply, I actually know who my birth parents are and things haven't been good there either. My father died a few years ago from cancer and from what I know about him, he never lead a good life. And my birth mother is verbally abusive so I stay away from her.

It is so hard to be honest with my "feelings" and thoughts. To be honest, I feel bad because my adoptive parents are innocent, if I wasn't so difficult then they would have never treated me badly. They really wouldn't have. They were never that way with their own children.

off to bed, good night

[Montraviatommyg]

Please don't blame yourself for the way your adoptive parents treated you. It doesn't matter if you was a 'difficult' child or not you should have still been treated the same as their other children.

I am sorry to read about your birth father so unfortunately you will never know the full truth. With regards to your birth mother you don't deserve to be treated like that.

It will help you to keep posting as there are so many people who can offer support and wont condemn you for how you feel.

Hugs,
Pip

[nobodys_child]

Hi Lost,

I read your story. My heart breaks for you! You have been through an awful lot in life. Please stop blaming yourself! Your adoptive parents most likely suffer from some kind of mental illness. It sounds like they could not relate to you, so they blamed anything they could on you. Think of it this way, when someone points their finger at someone else, there are 3 fingers pointing back at themselves. You really aren't to blame! It's not your fault you were placed in an incompatible family! They failed you, not the other way around!

I would say that this is a very safe & helpful place for the kind of feelings you have. Acceptance is something that I have longed for also, & it never happened when I was a child or into my early adult life. It seemed like most people who were attracted to me were also self-centered & could never think of me as having real feelings.

I'm 43 now, & have finally met a man who treats me like gold. He isn't abusive or possessive, doesn't suffer from mental illness & all but one member of his family is also fairly normal. I feel blessed for the first time in my life! Of course, I still have a lot of issues that I need to conquer. Still have a lot of insecurities, & feel like I don't belong, worthless, etc. However, this forum has helped me out by letting me know I am not alone, & I am not crazy! I hope you are able to work past your childhood issues, & find friends & can make your own family (not necessarily by having your own children, but by surrounding yourself with people who accept you & like & love you). People who can see who you really are. :-) Don't give up! I think it takes longer for people who have trust issues, & who have been terribly abused.

Good luck!

[jssj]

I wanted to reply to this post to let you know that you are not alone.

Your story broke my heart, but also made me feel like there are others out there like myself.

You seem like a great person. I also do not feel that you had done anything wrong. Sometimes we just cannot choose our life paths the way we would like.

I encourage you to read my post in the "Adoption Stories". The heading is "My Story"

I know once you have read my own story, you will definitely feel like you are not alone.

I wish you much peace and happiness

[lostNforgotten]

I was desperate to find a connection so I attempted to have a relationship with my birth family and that was impossible. Trying to reconnect years later with my adoptive family has been so incredibly hard, I have realized that they never wanted me.

It is so hard not to blame yourself, it is so hard to not take it all out on yourself, it is so hard to stop it from hurting so much. I look in the mirror and I hate, I absolutely hate who I am.

I have always so badly wanted a family that was real, a family that loved me, a family that was always there, a family that unconditional, a family that was genuine and safe, a place to call home. But that has never happened. Deep in my heart it was a dream, I rarely spoke of it because I knew it would never happen. How could anyone ever in their right mind ever want me, I can't stand myself, how could anyone else want me. They are the lucky ones because they can leave me, I'm stuck with me. So many people said that they would adopt me and funny how not one ever worked out.

My adopted family pretends that they did nothing wrong. Now they have taken all traces off me out of their house again, they don't return emails, don't phone.

The only time that they did really show that they were happy with me was if I had spent hours and hours cleaning the house, I didn't/couldnt go to friends because I had to be home to help them. I was a slave for them, something needed to be done, I was the one to do it, if something happened in the home, I was to blame. They always called me names, teased me, hated me. But they were wonderful to their own children.

If it wasn't my fault then how do I make any sense of it? How do I make it feel better?

[lostNforgotten]

kellster, I sent you a pm

[Montraviatommyg]

Originally Posted by lostNforgotten

If it wasn't my fault then how do I make any sense of it? How do I make it feel better?

When you was adopted you was an innocent child and I feel that you are still are an "innocent person" in all this. You cannot be blamed for the way your a-parents treated you but not having answers to why will make you feel like this. Have you had any counselling for your adoption issues? If you haven't it will help you to get a better understanding that you ARE NOT to blame for your a-parents behaviour. Your posts are beautifully written for someone who has been through so much pain.

Pip

[lostNforgotten]

I have been though counselling but not specifically about adoption issues. Honestly, I explain my life to them and they sit there stunned and not sure what to do or say. It is just such a bizarre story.

It is so hard to try and make sense of everything that has happened. It is hard to put it into words. It is so hard to admit everything that has happened and I always wonder, why did it happene to me. Why wasn't I worth fighting for. No one ever has answers. It is so hard not to blame myself when there are so many people that have never really wanted me or really fought for me. I've always been someone that is just indispensable, if they hear from me well that's fine but if they don't they no one cares. So it is just much easier for me to just disappear and it doesn't matter.

I have tried so many things in life to make my life better and there are good days and then days where I have to stay in bed because I can't ensure I will make through alive. I am almost done two degrees and volunteer and stay busy but ackkk there is a void that can't be filled. I try so hard to live life. I have this saying, I can easily live life but really living life is difficult. I get up and do what I have to do with a smile on my face and appear this perfectly happy, secure, strong, confident person because that is what the world expects. That is the easy part. Living with myself is a fight.

[Montraviatommyg]

You may never have the answers to your questions but talking/posting about how you feel will help as you will with time get them into perspective. You're vunerable understandably so you do deserve every bit of support you can get and here is a good start as you've found out already that at least one other person (sorry forgotten what thread you responded to) who has been through a similar situation.

Sometimes it is okay to let the mask slip a bit so others do see a bit of the pain you're going through. Maybe you will be pleasantly surprised to find there are people who do care about you. Unfortunately due to your upbringing you're probably too frightened to let other people too close to you emotionally - you do come across as having low self esteem and a lack of confidence in yourself. Sorry if I'm totally off the mark there but you've made a positive mark here as a survivor and that is something to be proud off.

Hugs,
Pip

[BrandyHagz]

Lost,

I read your thread, and I wanted to tell you, you do have worth, you are someone…who you are is not defined by the people who have abandoned and hurt you in your childhood…it is defined by how much you’ve grown and become stronger because of the hurt.

It was important for me to realize, as a young adult, that I didn’t need to seek the approval of my adoptive parents to be happy. I realized, actually, that distancing myself from those who call themselves “my family” actually did a world of good…I surrounded myself with people who loved me…got some counseling for what I later found out was some attachment type issues…and tried to live life the way *I* wanted to live life, regardless of how it would make or made my adoptive parents feel!

Looking back now, I am thankful that I had the life I had, because if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t be the person I am today. We are molded by the good and the bad in our lives…the bad can either beat us down and conquer us or it can make us stronger…what you have to do is find someone to talk to…come to the realization that you were powerless to control what was going on in your life as a child…and surround yourself with people who love you…

Lost, I was bitter and angry for a lot of years, I held resentment and pinned up rage…I was violent, I self medicated by drinking…I didn’t care about anyone because no one cared about me…but I realized one day that I was letting these people affect my other relationships…and I just couldn’t allow that to happen anymore…they’d already done so much, I couldn’t let them do this…even if it was all in my mind.

[nobodys_child]

Lost,

If I were you, I'd count my blessings & move on. You are quite articulate, & very intelligent. You don't need to prove anything to the people who adopted you, & then disappointed you & hurt you so badly. They were cruel, heartless, & evil. And for people who called themselves Christian, you weren't treated in a kindly manner. I'm sorry that you were used by them.

But you can overcome them! Make your own family!Surround yourself with people who like you & care about you. That's not to say that you should forget the past...far from it! But do not live to impress those who hurt you. Live to impress only yourself! Raise your bar above their level! And learn to love yourself! You can do it! You are not the enemy, they are!

I've also despised the person staring back at me in the mirror. It was difficult to learn to like someone whom everyone else hated. But self-hatred is also very destructive, & all it does is bring you down to the very same level as those who hurt you by living by their expectations of you that they created. You need to live by your own standards now. They have made their choices, & you are free to live how you want. The best revenge on them is your own success. :-)

I wish you well!

[rosemom43]

I feel so bad about your pain as an adoptee. As a founder and facilitator of a post adoption support group, I would encourage you to find a support group in your area... you will find adult adoptees that can offer you love and understanding ....where you will gain support. You will have someone to share with... If I only knew what city and state you were living, I could offer some resources! My heart aches for you and your lifelong journey of hurt ... /sh

[mtlover]

those feelings of not being wanted in your family and looking in from the outside. My AMom went to the point of destroying all of my baby pictures, baby book, adoption records and birth certificate.

I was her slave and I was called racist names and was the scape goat in the family. She would beat me until I peed my pants and threaten to kick me out every day. I finally left at 15. Yes she was mentally ill and I know that. It still hurt when it happened. And I struggled, and survived... searching my way through life.

A day comes when the hurt is no longer there and it is replaced with the rich deliciousness of life... and you have your experiences that are yours and you turn the pain into power. It does happen and you don't have to believe me. I didn't believe it when someone tried to tell me once. Now, though, I know it to be true. It will happen for you. Oh... I still feel pain, and feel sadness sometimes too... not everyday is perfect but that it what it is to be alive. I am very happy and strong, no longer a surviver... but a thriver! It will happen for you.

So, I say to you that you have much love and blessings in front of you. You have so much to give and will receive the abundance that the universe has to offer you. Keep keeping on and being the amazing, brave, brilliant and inspirational person that you are! You have survived... now to begin to thrive!

Much love and peace... a kindred heart who truly has been there!

Kim