[C.C]

Hi there
I met my bmom 4 months ago to find out that I was a big secret. She told her husband9who had no idea) and she told her sisters and brother (who knew I was born)
We met and it was nice. I knew all my life I had a sister and I met her too. She didn't find out for a while. I came to learn that she is bipolar and was in a group home.
My family and I visited with bmom and her family for a while and noticed that they fight, scream and yell alot.
My 13 year old son was not comfortable with this. Either was I. Over the months we continued to visit and see this awful stuff. Bmom would bring bsister over and all she would do was scream at her. It was very uncomfortable. Over the months my family learned that anything we said was not heard and that no time was spent to get to know us. The bmom seems to think that she needs to spend every waking moment with bsister.
In the last month bsister has gotten her own appartment and is doing well. She knows who we are now and was very angry with her mom because I am younger. Bmom willnot give out any info of where I originated. She tells people that it is her past and none of anyones business. (even her husband of 30 years)
So, ever since we met the conversations have been all about my bsister and how the bmom can't put up with her anymore and all about their fights. She never asked about us at all.
I wasn't feeling good this last week and my bsister called me. I told her and she said that she could come and help me out wich was nice. I told her if I am feeling a little better then we would see. Next thing I know I am gettin a call from bmom saying that she needs to know right now if bsister is coming over. I toldher that I was not feeling good and she told me to stop playing games and that she never would have told my bsister about me if I wasn't willing to spend time with her. She actually screamed it at me. I told her that I would see her but I am not well.(She expects me to see her everyday) She got mad and hung up on me.
Later that night I get a call from bmom and I told her that I didn't appreciate being spoken to that way.
She then started screaming at me that I have to see my bsister more. (afew weeks before she asked me if something was wrong and why we haven't been coming to see her)So when she started screaming I told her that things were wrong. I told her that she has no regard for us and that my son doesn't like going over there because of all of the yelling and that I don't appreciate her coming to my home and screaming her head off for no reason. Also when we talk she doesn't listen It is all about her.
She hung upon me and left numerous messages on my machine about why can't I accept my bsister. It has nothing to do with her. All we wanted was some time to get to know the bmom but she is never home or when she is she is yelling at my bsister.
She doesn't get it!!
So she said that I eneded it and she is fine with that and I haven't heard from her since. I did however hear from my baunt who thinks that they are all crazy!! My bmom called her up to tell her how rude I am and how when we go there we cry poor. I was not impressed. Needless to say I guess its over. I am nothing like them anyway. I am glad I got the opportunity to know them and now move on.
Any advice would be appreciated
thank you

[kune]

I'm feeling really sad that you haven't been able to have a meaningful relationship with you birthfamily. I'm a birthmom myself and can understand your reluctance to take this any further, especially since she has issues which impact on you and your family. BUT…….

When you began your search (I presume you were the searcher) you would have been looking for information and to KNOW your birthfamily. You had all that time beforehand to prepare yourself for what was to come. You would have worked out how you could intergrate another family into your own life, and how you wanted to approach it. 4 months is such a short period - (When I was found, I was in an emotional tailspin for at least 12 months (probably more) without the pressures of a bipolar daughter to contend with. (Have you considered that your bmom may also suffers from bipolar and what you are seeing is a highly sensitive or reactive behaviour and it’s possible that reunion is bringing out these highly emotive incidents).

I’m not saying your take on the whole situation is wrong, but I don’t believe it would be best for you to close off the possibility of it working well sometime in the future. I suggest perhaps writing a letter to your bmom thanking her for being open to a relationship but also explaining that there are differences and emotions which you are finding hard to process …..and you wish to step back and take a break. The door isn’t closed - you have just left the room for a while. Be respectful at all costs - pointing out a persons faults is not the answer here - you are then the accuser. From your post…… I think your bmom is scared - she has made it through the telling of her big secret (and it would have been a huge step for her to make), and from the 1st word from you she would be scared of being judged too harshly, scared that you would be angry with her walking away all those years ago, scared that you will not stay in her life now, scared that you will not bond with your sister, …….yep - just plain scared that none of this is working despite the energy she is expending.
Give it/her time- your "moving on" sounded so final and meant forever?

Oh CC, Forever is sooo long - This could be too important to discard after 5 months. Set some boundaries (eg only weekly e-mail contact) It’s very hard not to "listen" when the words are in front of you, and perhaps you both could reach a level of understanding by reading how each other feel instead of listening to raised voices?)

I wish you well - none of it is easy - but it can be all you wanted with a lot of work and an open heart.
Ann

[cathy102]

CC...I am so sorry for what you have been through. I am sure not all reunions work out great. You have tried to visit and talk on the phone but a person can only take so much. I am not adopted but if my own mom was like that with me, there would be a time that I could only take so much and I would not want to be around her.. You need to do what is best for you and your family and your son. I hope that she will realize what she is doing and that things will work out...

Prayers to you....Take care...

[C.C]

My family and I have tried for 5 months tobe a part of this family.We have shown up baked cakes hugged kissed snd I even tried calling her mom. My bsister and I get along just fine without the bmom around. The bmom wants to control everythng my bsister does. My family have seen it and so have my friends. This woman wants to control everything around her and that is why I am not sure that she can accept us. We don't need her to do anything for us except accept us SHe keeps telling us how much eeryone needs her(money, drives, etc) . I think she is so used to doing this for my bsister she can't se that we are normal functioning people.She uses my sisters illness as a way of control. If this poor girl was given a chance to do things on her own she would be ok. Even the doctors say so. This girl is controlled from the time she wakes up in the morning until the time she goes to bed. Even my bsister is sick of it but feels that she has to do these thins inorder for her mom to take the visits with her and her 8year old son. (Icourt ordered)It is really sad. I haven't heard from either of them in a few days and I didn't expect to. I feel really discarded again. It seems it was so easy do do it all over again especially a wek before birthday. She never expected me to find her(she told me that) so now she has her regular family back. They can yell and scream all they want now cause I can't handle seeing it and neither can my husband and son. This is a woman who walked right up to my amom when we saw her in a store and told her "thank you for raising my baby her mama is here now". We were mortified and my poor amom was very upset. She had never seen her before and even when we saw her walk into the store I sked her not to say anything. She doesn't seem to have any regard for anyone elses feelings. It is all about her. I think the retracting on my part started when I bought her her first bday present in April. I wanted to find something special for her tohave forever and I told her this. I bought a gold bracelet with a heart on it and the next week I saw it on my bsister. What can I do???

[itsmenancy]

C.C. - you sound so rational, yet b.mom seems so un-rational. I'm sorry this isn't the fairy tale ending we all hope for.


You must do what is best for your family and yourself. I hear you on the part of not wanting your son around the ranting & raving - if you decide to continue to have a realtionship w/ the b.family, is it possible for your son not to have to be around it? ...It's not something he sees in your home life, so maybe this just can't be a part of his life until they settle down.

Maybe b.mom has issues that you aren't aware of yet... It sounds to me, you seem very concerned for the b.sister. Your heart & head are telling you different things. You mentioned she has bi-polar. That is very treatable - does your b.mom treat it as something horrible? You mention a group home - your sister was in a group home, but now lives w/ b.mom? Does mom get any therapy?

Sounds like your b.aunt is of some help.

Trust your gut feeling. Go with what you think is right.

Take care.

Nancy

[RobertHafetz]

You have to keep in ind that she is bi polar and has a mood disorder. Of course she screams. You have to learn how to deal with a person with that disorder. First dont react to their emotional oubursts she cant control them like you can. Just let her vent. Dont judge her or try and control her. Just tell her you cant talk to her when she is like this and youll just have to talk later. She needs to be on a mood stabilising medication before you can really make any progress. People with bi polar do are very sensitive to the way you react to them. Remember she cant control her emotions the way you can

[C.C]

bmom is not bipolar bsister is. Bmom just screams at her in front of everyone no matter where they are. bsister doesn't like it either. Bsisteris stablenow and is realizing that bmom is trying to control her every move

[RobertHafetz]

Did you write to me ? If so please write again I lost the Email roberthafetz@comcast.net

[RobertHafetz]

There is a genetic component to it. IN any case you have to be non reactive. I realise this isnt easy

[susiesgirl]

hi
i am an adoptee who is also bi-polar. SO i know where your bsis is coming from. She really doesnt need your bmom yelling at her all the time and neither should you or your children have to put up with it. I am sorry that things didnt work out well for you.
Is it possible that you can stay in your sis life without too much interference? Sounds like your sis could use you right now.
maybe you could step back for awhile from your bmom and get reaquainted? Good luck!

[abcg1977]

CC- I had a similar situation with my b-father except his wife was the one who was verbally abusive and nasty to me. I had to just tell him, I can not deal with her. He is welcome to call me when she is not there and I will be happy to meet him and have dinner when he is in town, alone. Other than that I can not be abused like that becuse of her issues. She is not one of my b-parents and even if she were I woulnd't put up with that.It sounds like you could have contact with your sister and not her. Your sister would probably want that. I'd tell b-mom when she could talk not yell and listen to something about someone other than her you'd be happy to talk with her. Till then "bye".

More importantly, I wouldn't subject my kids to that. Your first job is as a mother, not a daughter or sister. At least that is my opinion. Good luck, keep us posted.

Ang.

[C.C]

I would love to say in touch with my bsister but the bmom won't allow it. I haven't heard from them in a week. This is what happens. When the bmom doesn't like something she drags everyone in on it with her. It's her way or no way. Bmom is always threatening bsister. If she doesn't do what she wants then the bmom won't take the court ordered visits with bsisters son. She did that last week. She didn't like what bsister had to say and took the child on her own. Nice mom eh?
As for my son he is 13 and knew right from the start that he didn't want to be around these people. All they do is yell! It is all very sad. My birthday is on Wednesday and I guess I will wait and see if anyone contacts me. It seems to me that is was ok for her to give me up once and even easier to do it again. She is just to tied up with my sisters life. I think she doesn't have a life and wants to control everyone elses.

[Lovemends2]

CC,

My bmom was like "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" when I accidently mispoken an offensive statement to her sister (my aunt). So I have not been in contact with bmom for 4 years now. I think it is better that you move on without bmom and bsister. They are really "strangers" to you. Think of your son and yourself. You will only pull yourself down to their level. I am so sorry CC but I think your choice to move on may be the best way to gain the peace and happiness you deserve.

[Lynard1210]

CC, I know this is a late post, but I have to say I am surprised at all the encouragement you have received to continue a relationship with your Bmom, even after she has shown you she is inconsiderate, rude, self-centered and downright mean. This is abusive behavior and should not be tolerated. She sounds like somebody with a personality disorder (see Narcissistic Personality Disorder). If that is the case, she will not change and will only continue to lash out at you. Your poor adoptive mother. That comment would have been the end right there for me. I feel bad for your bsister, but that is her burden to carry. She was already dealing with it before you entered the picture. It sounds like maybe you could have a relationship with her on the sly (if she isn't a minor). I am an adoptee and I am getting very scared from reading these posts about even beginning a search!!!

Take care of yourself and your family first!

Lynard1210

[C.C]

Thank you for replying. It is going on 6 months now and nothing has changed. I have been very sick and had to have mouth surgery. She hasn't enen called to see if I am ok. Too busy bugging my sister. My sister called from her house the other day to see how I was but I still haven't heard from her. Needless to say I haven't called her either. I haven't fely like talking to her to hear about everyone else. Oh sorry she did call after the first surgery, and in the same breath told me that she would come by to help me out and then proceeded to say that oh she had her grandson and couldn't come. Oh my....FORGET IT!! I have been looking into my bfather on my own cause she still won't tell me anything. I am to the point that I relly don't want a relationship with someone who won't tell me the truth and lies all of the time. She just had her 32nd anniversary with her husband and I find it really weird that I just turned 32 in July and her 32nd anniversary was August 13th. So that means she had a baby with another man,(maried none the less) and two weeks later she marries another man who had no idea I existed!!!!
Any advice would be helpful thanks!